I’m back at the apple store. Breaking up with my Air because it won’t give me enough space. Literally. The space bar is being a punk when my hand is even slightly to the right on the bar. Sigh. This is just the way my life goes when I’m anywhere close to technology. Where, oh, where has my apple love gone? Yes, this is my excuse reason for not posting sooner. That and my blog editor software needs some toilet paper.

Yoo hoo, Texans. Over here. A wee bit closer. Bam. Here it is, an opportunity to hear me speak from the heart about strength, courage, and wisdom. I’ll be my own version of an India Arie song, sharing the raw reality of wrong turns, right turns, doors, windows, destinations, and our life’s journey, about the wisdom, tips + tricks I wish I’d known earlier. About what I’ve done right, and what I downright shouldn’t have done (though, I’m still secretly glad I did). Is “meant to be” an excuse we drum up to make ourselves feel better, or is there something to living like a “leaf in a stream,” waiting to see where the universe takes us? Is destiny a matter of chance or choice?

I’m the closing keynote at the upcoming GET SMART CONFERENCE, on October 21! Not only will I be speaking for 45 minutes, answering all your questions for another 15 minutes (do the math), meeting you and signing books, but now there’s also a special drawing for those who register between now and October 17:

PURE Austin has donated a 3-month membership ($180 value) for a drawing.
To be eligible, register between now and October 17, and use the code PURGS2010 in the comments filed of registration.

ABOUT THE GET SMART CONFERENCE
Get Smart 2010, AWC Austin’s professional development conference is scheduled for October 21 in Austin, Texas. A diverse group of marketers, journalists, publishers, PR specialists, writers, radio/television/film professionals and others will gather to network with old friends and meet new ones, to advance their career skills and knowledge, and to be inspired by the personal and professional journeys of keynote speakers Matthew Dowd and Stephanie Klein, as well as learn from four fabulous breakout sessions! “Destination Get Smart – Your Journey Begins Here!” Let’s Go!

What people are saying about the last Get Smart Conference:

Girl, what you waitin’ fo? Didn’t anyone tell you that today is the first day of the rest of your week?

In celebration of the paperback release of Moose: A Memoir, there’s a
new giveaway. To enter, simply email a picture of yourself holding a copy of Moose, the
paperback version. Lounge with it poolside or wrinkle yourself elsewhere: in the tub. Prune with it. Have a bacon explosion together. Sing a ballad. Do a line dance. Hang out with it at a BBQ. ke it your friend; share your mustard packets with it. One winner will be selected at random to receive The
Fabulous Purse from ModCloth (which incidentally, will easily be a home for your new paperback copy of Moose. All pictures must be submitted here (moose dot memoir at gmail dot com) by June 21.
Winner will be announced next Monday, June 22. To earn a second entry in the giveaway and increase your chances of winning the ModCloth bag, simply announce the giveaway on your own blog, and send a link to your post to the email above. Anything to help spread the word is always appreciated.

4 YEARS AGO: Caution, Wind, And Other Problems; Too; Too Part Two

I realize of course that it’s asking a lot. To click on something daily, which isn’t even like an ad that helps support this site. But I need help! Please click here daily to vote for Greek Tragedy. I never win anything. Except that one time in sixth grade when I won a phone from calling some hotline on a SeaBreeze box. If you do, I promise to continue to exploit my marriage and children. Woo hoo.

It was hot as balls last night. I ripped all the covers off, and slept on my stomach, my thong-clad ass mooning the moon. It worries me, this idea of sleeping nakedish. Our care-provider Norma arrives each weekday morning at 7am. She opens my bedroom door and adds a gate to keep the sprouts out, so I can sleep in. And my fear is that one day she’ll crack open my door and get a flash of crack– no way to start her day. I mean, really.

And this morning, my day didn’t start out very well. I have some interesting items on my bedside table. It does, after all, define who you are. Among the telling details of my life were my iPhone and a tall glass of sugar-free iced tea (okay, really, it was wine). It was hot enough last night that my vino was "perspiring." Condensation on the glass formed a puddle, which made its way into my iPhone. Well, that gigabites.

So today, I’m off to purchase a new G3 iPhone, despite the fact that I was told today that I should first try to open the sucker up and shove it in a bag of rice. "The rice will dry it up, and then your phone will work again." This reminds me of the advice my mother once gave me for stopping charlie horse cramps in my feet. "Put a bar of soap under the sheets." Oh how I love the lure of homeopathic remedies. My question is this: how the hell do people discover such remedies? Who wakes up one day and decides a bar of soap belongs in the bed? That mayonaise should be applied to their hair, honey to their dry acne face? I get that a plucked chicken accidentaly fell into a pot of boiling water, and chicken soup was discovered. But how they discovered that boiling a few cumin seeds and giving it to an infant stops gas… well, it’s beyond me.

Life happens on the sidelines, in the smaller moments, the side roads. It also happens in the comment section of blogs, where people post and run, where they never have to see you, where you get to roll your eyes, discard what’s being said or give it pause and consideration. I might not always respond, or even post every comment, but I do read them. I posted this comment a month or so ago, but I’ve decided to post it here:

So I’m going to comment and you may have banned me already or choose not to post this and that’s fine, at least you will have read it. I’ve read you for the last three years. I read your book <i>first</i> (keep that in mind, I came to you as a fan of your book not your blog initially and I’ve always given it to you straight) then found your blog through the same co-worker who insisted I read your book (she’s Maggie on here).  One thing I liked about your book was the raw factor.  It felt like there were no airs, it was just you. Maybe because at that time in your life when you wrote SU&D you had just come out of the shitty relationship, and it was easy for you to be raw.  Raw from the relationship as is, I’m sure, vulnerable, emotional. Perhaps it was easier for you to express yourself at that time in your life?

Whatever it is you need to get back in touch with it.  Your inner funny who doesn’t take herself too seriously.  Because lately it seems you’re not giving us Stephanie, you’re giving us Stephanie Klein.  Just a suggestion. Take it or leave it but your blogs used to be more personal and not chock-full of similes and metaphors. This is not in reference to today’s blog mind you, only in response to the latest from your blog (contests and comments). You pissed me off but I still want you to be successful and happy, because I think you deserve it. Just don’t lose yourself in the process.

And my quick response, with the subject line reading "Not For Nothing":
Not for nothing… as in, your comment wasn’t for nothing. So thank you. Also not for nothing, but I’m reliving and re-writing Straight Up And Dirty on a daily basis in creating this television show. My blog is a place for me to spill the extra stuff, not to work on my inner funny. Not sure what I did to piss you off… your words, not mine, but when I began this blog, I wasn’t writing a book, certainly not two books, or a TV show. As for the contest, people love when you give shit away and it gives them something to do. No one complained when I gave away an Hermes scarf for putting my video on their blog. Everyone will find a reason to get pissed or feel like I’ve "lost my edge." Bottom line, some days I have more to say than others, and I don’t always like writing about how I’m pissed off at my husband, how I’m feeling fat, how I want more time with my friends, how, ooh, I just found interlocking wood-like foam matting for another playroom for the kids where I’m getting them a play kitchen, some dinosaurs, a dollhouse, and a mock tool bench. Then letting everyone shit all over it telling me I’m materialistic, uninteresting, out of touch, shallow, and annoying. It’s not worth it. I’d rather save it all up for my next book, for my show, for something where I don’t have to read comments about what a fuck up I am or how mean I am to Phil. Is angst what we connect with most online? Yes. Second to that, it’s finding funny in our everyday lives, the lives we live where we have nothing interesting to say, where we wonder if we’re living the life we should be.

I continue to take risks in what I post, but I realize my best posts are those where I’m passionate about something. And sometimes I’m just grumpy and not in the mood, and that’s okay too. Mostly, I’m exhausted, but always, I’m thankful.