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showing up without panties

April 17, 2015


A Five Star Life

When my sister Lea was four-years-old she attended a wedding of our cousin and flashed the priest her vagina. Not once. It was vagina party time. Flowery dress, white¬†eyelet socks, shiny black dress shoes, hair in ribbons, and there it was, on full display, as my terribly bored sister played with the hem of her […]

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latest obsessions

March 16, 2015


Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt #streamteam

¬† I’m obsessed with the show “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.” I attended the advance screening and brought Phil as my date. Phil doesn’t like anything. If he says, “It was okay,” it means he wants to spread his seed and make illegit babies with it. After watching the first two episodes of Tina Fey’s newest show, […]

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defacing time

March 12, 2015


Rodner Figueroa

I can only imagine what Rodner Figueroa called me after this photo of us was taken. “A hideous bag,” he might have said, “and the clutch is awful, too.” He would’ve been right about the clutch. It’s time to deface this photo in light of his recent derogatory remarks about Michelle Obama. Appropriately, Univision fired […]

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watercolor marriage support

February 17, 2015



When I showed Phil my latest watercolor painting, finally complete, his response came first from his raised eyebrows, and then from his sour mouth. “Well, I wouldn’t spend your days doing it is all I’m saying.” The subtext for those playing along at home reads: don’t quit your day job, not that you have one. […]

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you’ve got to move it, move it

December 18, 2014


King Julien 003 S1E2

Almost all of my holiday shopping has happened online. That is, it would’ve happened online, if most everything weren’t out of stock. Here’s a thing of beauty, though, say it with me: Price Match Guarantee. I print like there’s no such thing as ink, here at home. I comparison shop online, find the very cheapest […]

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daring not to feel

November 10, 2014


I dare you not to feel. Not to cry. Not to love this.

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the color of sick

October 7, 2014


the color of sick

The color of sick would not be green. It wouldn’t even be somewhere between yellow and green, something toxic looking or unnatural, though it might be tinged gray. On the color-wheel, I imagine it would slip into a wedge of yellow ochre, a muddied yellow, like the rotted hearts of sunflowers. I’ve been in bed […]

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“this” only scrambled

September 11, 2014



Let’s start with “this.” Now, unscramble it, and you’ll begin to understand what I’ve stepped in. So, I’m pretty sure my kids ate Sour Cream and Onion flavored potato chips for breakfast today. We’re gonna go ahead and call that two vegetables. Abigail had the wherewithal to tip her head outside and nod to the […]

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