QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER: I’m currently visiting my boyfriend who lives in Austin. This is my second extended visit, and when I come I typically stay for a couple of weeks. I still feel like I haven’t gotten a taste of what Austin has to offer. We went to First Thursday, and I love Trudy’s. Per one of your older blog entries, we visited Mozart’s last night, and I really enjoyed it. Are there any other places you can recommend? They can be things done during the day alone while he’s at work or things we can do together.

Here’s what I can offer as someone who’s lived in Austin for the past SIX years (am I the only one who’s just realizing it’s been that long?): a sense of miss. I know what I miss about Austin already, just a few weeks out. Aside from missing my friends, I can say this: the people in Austin are all smart or interesting. I’ve never (aside from NY transplants) met anyone living in Austin who isn’t really interesting. Yes, huge sweeping generalization, but huge truth. So, I say, go meet some people!

The shops on South Congress are a great way to spend a day alone. Aside from American Apparel, the stores are unique and have that special Austin flavor. Austin, above other cities I’ve frequented, is whatever you want it to be. It’s granola, old school country, lots of ink, live music black jeans – anything goes, old Dallas gone Austin Country Club, fundraisers up the waz. So, I’ve asked this very question of one and all in Austin, and here is what was shared with me:

Blues on the green in Zilker park
Mana Culture on South First (add feather or sparkle hair extension, etc. to your hair)
Texacana Café on 360
The Drag – Guadeloupe (I have personally never understood the draw)
Toy Joy
East Side Café
Ride the Train at Zilker Park
Kayaking on Ladybird Lake (Lake Austin)
Barton Springs
Amy’s Ice Cream (local version of Cold Stone Creamery/ Steve’s Ice Cream)
Trudy’s
Chevy’s for Creamy Jalapeno Dip
* Alamo Drafthouse – ABSOLUTELY, and you must order fried pickles
Salt Lick
Sandy’s for fries and frozen custard
Hyde Park Grill – people rave about the fries, but this place (and its fries) do nothing for me
Perla’s – yes and yes. Holy fcuk, go now. Frozen drink special each day is almost always fantastic. Get the lobster roll and split it as an appetizer.
Mayfield Park – special place in my heart from my time with the Girl Scouts. It’s a park with koi and peacocks.
Capitol
Lake Travis, skip Oasis and head to Iguana Grill

GOT QUESTIONS? NEED ADVICE?
If you have questions or need advice on anything from where to eat to how to get over the bastard, just email your question to my advice email address.

QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER: A dear friend is getting married, across the country from me, in Florida She wants me to be there; I cannot afford to attend her wedding. And when I say I cannot afford it, I mean, I am on food stamps, haven’t bought new clothes (even shitty ones from Old Navy) in ages, and live in an apartment where people regularly overdose on meth or get murdered. But, she wants me there. So much so, that she is willing to take some of the money her mother is giving her for this, her second wedding, to fly me to her wedding.

I am almost comfortable letting someone buy me a cup of coffee, but I have the instinct to twitch when they buy me lunch and I can’t reciprocate. So, allowing someone to fly me 3000 miles? Oy to the vey. How do I deal with the fact that if she does this, I still can’t afford the cost of the train to the airport here without sounding like I’m squeezing her for more money? How do I tactfully say, “I know you’ll be swamped with a thousand details, including friends coming in from other countries, but you’ll be able to get someone to pick me up and bring me back to the airport in Florida, right?”  She said something in an email to me about, “If you can swing an air mattress…” I don’t want to be bitchy, but I don’t think she gets that I can really, truly, barely swing rent. I do not own a couch. So no, I definitely can not swing an air mattress. I am fine with sleeping on a floor, because the important thing is a friend wants me to support her on her special day. But I really cannot financially support the cost of emotionally supporting her?

Also, what do I do about getting them a wedding gift? I’m already almost two years late getting my own brother a wedding gift. I don’t want to be tacky by showing up without a gift. I know the “you have a year” rule, but I have no way of knowing if my financial situation will right itself in a year. Or, do I get her and her future husband a really cheap, blatantly tacky gift like chocolate hearts and make a corny joke about it?

Or, going in another direction, if the best thing is to just not go, how do I tell her tactfully (she is of a different, more formal culture than mine, and I’d hate to offend and ruin our friendship)?

As always, the floor is yours. Please try to offer anything that might help out our wedding-challenged friend…

Though I will say, off the cuff, that friends really don’t give a shit. I mean, sure, they want you there, but please. I, for one, adore my friends, feel they’re my family, but the world would not end if any of them couldn’t attend my wedding. I would completely understand and wouldn’t take it personally.

I get that she wants you there, is willing to pay, but if I were you, I’d send her a picture frame, engraved (it’s $20, plus shipping) with the year and location of her honeymoon inscribed: Hawaii, 2011. It shows forethought and isn’t cheap looking.

I also get that you don’t want to explain your whole situation, because you don’t want anyone feeling burdened or sorry for you. But, you know what? You live once. And your being at her wedding isn’t all that important, BUT being honest with her is. My script would go something like this (and the color girls sing…)

I adore you, you know that. And I’d love to be there with you, and I am so appreciative of your offer and recognize how much you’re willing to do for me to be there… and you know a “but” is coming. Before I give you the “but,” I want you to know that this is not personal, at all. I quite simply can’t afford it. I really wish I could, but I can’t. And there are all sorts of small expenses that add up, and I really don’t feel comfortable, as gracious as you are, accepting your offer. I love you and don’t want you to feel anything but deliriously happy.  I am thrilled for you and will be raising a glass (of water) in your honor. P.S. That was a joke. For real though, I will 100% be there in spirit.

Only, I wouldn’t write it. I’d say it. Less room for misinterpretation and analysis.

GOT QUESTIONS? NEED ADVICE?
If you have questions or need advice on anything from where to eat to how to get over the bastard, just email your question to my advice email address.

QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER: I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness. That’s odd for me to even type because as long as I’ve remembered, it’s been difficult for me to share that with people. I was married just as I was turning 20, to someone who I really thought I was in love with. There is still a part of me that hurts because there is still a part of me that loves him. We married because that was just the next step. In reality though, I believe it was more about being the only way we could stop sneaking around having sex—which of course, we weren’t supposed to be doing until we were married anyhow.

I thought I was happy those first couple of years. Then I started to realize that this marriage and this life was turning me into someone I didn’t want to be. I always felt like something was missing. I was not a happy person, and I was not happy with who I was. The only positive from this marriage was that my family loved him. I had always been the black sheep and now, finally, it looked like I had done something to win their approval. My relationship with my family flourished and that was what made me happy.

My husband did not want the same things that I now wanted. He was lackluster about having children. If they happened, they happened. He never wanted to move beyond the confines of where we had both grown up. He wanted to keep playing bachelor with his buddies. Pretended to be a rockstar in his bar band. I realized it was a one-sided relationship, and I was trying to put in enough effort for the both of us. The same few fights kept reoccurring like they were on a giant lazy susan. And there was never any resolve. I didn’t mind taking my share of the blame, but I did mind that he could never take any part of it.

When I was 23, I met someone who made me feel something I had never felt before. He was raised in a polar opposite religion with polar opposite beliefs. He was not physically “my type.” He was not who I would ever have imagined myself falling for.
He was the type of person who would take a vacation to Mexico and never come back. Or travel to Thailand to teach children how to speak English. He had lost his mother to cancer recently and had so much appreciation for his life and the people in it. He had lived this life that made me realize how much I had been missing out on.
And how much priority I had been putting on things that didn’t even matter. He made me laugh and made me think and made me question things I had been scared to question.

Then I kissed him and everything got turned upside down.

I became the cheater, which I never in a million years would have foreseen. This was not ever supposed to happen, and it is a decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Eighteen months later, I feel as though I am finally settling down. I separated from my husband for two months. Got scared of disappointing family, friends, the church. Being on my own for the first time was scary too. Got convinced I should try to make my marriage work. Broke the “other guy’s” heart. Got back together with my husband, and tried to work things out for four months. That didn’t work, and the whole time all I could think about was this “other guy.”

My husband asked for a divorce, which I agreed to. I fought myself on that decision for a long time. Only just recently has that fight seemed to subside. Meanwhile, the “other guy” took me back with open arms.

Four months ago, we moved seven hundred miles from home. I am slowly but surely building a new life here. I ignored all the rules and all the advice about rebound relationships. Taking time to heal on my own. Not jumping into something too fast. We have a lot of things to overcome, what with religious beliefs and family. I want to make everything work but I’m not sure how it will. And everyday I fall more in love with him.

I lost 99% of my so-called friends. Nobody cared enough to call or even email when the news got out about the separation, let alone the divorce. I didn’t feel it was my duty to contact people to let them know. Maybe that was my mistake. Maybe I should have. Regardless, it was like these people and life as I knew it had just never existed in the first place. I was disfellowshipped from the church, which basically means I am completely shunned until I repent and come back. If I pass someone I know on the street who is a JW, they aren’t even supposed to say hello. I don’t see why they would since none of them said as much before I was disfellowshipped.

My immediate family, the one who’s new found relationship I had begun to rely on so much, is gone. They haven’t contacted me now in over a month. I’ve attempted to tell them about this new person in my life, but they don’t let me get too far. They were just as hurt by the divorce as I was. As well as by the decisions I’ve made.

Have I built a bubble for myself, and am I just convincing myself I’m finally finding “happy”? I feel like the only thing missing is my family and the only way to get them back is to become a part of this religion that I’m not even sure about. Another part of me keeps saying that it doesn’t matter. That I will do whatever it takes to get that relationship with my family back.

I realize it’s difficult to give advice on this subject when you haven’t personally walked in the shoes of someone who has been raised in such a….controversial, I suppose is the right word, way.

I just really need some insight and have always appreciated your opinion.

QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER: I am desperate for your advice, but have been hesitant to solicit it for fear of your fans, or worse, your despising me. You see, I am having an affair with a friend’s boyfriend.

He and I had an instant connection from the moment we met about three years ago, but we always kept our distance from each other because we knew not doing so could spell trouble and we were right. About four months ago we agreed to meet up for dinner. I went home with him that night and we’ve had an on-going affair ever since.

He and his girlfriend have been having some problems for a while. They rarely have sex (this has been told to me by both parties). They are basically best friends with no sexual connection.

I can’t help it, I have feelings for him (and him for me, or so he says) and we have an amazing connection. I feel like he is the one. Cliché, I know. I thought I could be this go-with-the-flow cool chick and not put any pressure on him. That in time, he’d see how amazing I am and realize that we are also like best friends, but so much more. But four months have gone by and I’m starting to wonder why he’s still juggling us both. I’ve put some pressure on him to make a decision, telling him I will walk away and let him work on things with her if that’s what he feels he needs to do, but he still hasn’t given me an answer either way.

It’s going to hurt like hell, but I have to be realistic and realize that I need to walk away. I need advice on how to be strong enough to cut him out of my life and not go back to him. And do I need to walk away from my friendship with the woman as well? It’s so hard to hear her talk about him, and I’m constantly making comparisons between her and myself.

Any advice you can give would be appreciated. And please know I do feel awful about this situation and will never allow anything like this to ever happen again.

Lost and confused

ANSWER: You say, “I feel like he is the one. Cliché, I know.”

I say, you’re right. He is “the one.” The one who lacks character, the one who doesn’t have the courage to live life cleanly. He’s the one who is capable of lying. He’s the one who has the capacity to live a separate life, while living a lie. He’s the one sticking his dick into both of you. And you’re the one who’s allowing it.

What would your childhood self think of you now? Would she feel good about this? Would she tell you to wait? And wait for what, exactly? You already have your answer: this is a man capable of this behavior. Do you want to spend any of your time in a relationship with a man whose moral compass allows him to live this way? You aren’t living up to who you want to be. So, what do you do? Just that, you do. You don’t talk about doing, think about doing, you just do.

Change is a so so hard, but it’s also exactly what you have to do in order to experience true joy. You won’t, I can promise you, experience joy and giddiness waiting around for him to make some decision. And good for you for making one, a decision. Now do.

QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER: I really don’t know why I’m writing, as I somehow feel all the answers I need are in each of the replies you’ve given to your readers already. But, I do need advice, as I am also trying to get over a guy. I really thought he was the one.

He is a bit of a cliche–he went to the East to find himself, to travel the world, etc. etc., (the Eat, Pray, Love – male version) after his divorce, and after he was made redundant in his job. He’s taken on a profession as a yoga teacher. We met while he was traveling, teaching yoga; I was a yoga student.

I guess he was different–he was sort of intelligent but not an intellectual. And since I, too, traveled a lot for my job and he was traveling, we would follow the other to wherever the other was to spend time. We did spend 4 months in one country together. We had our problems, but nothing so big. Suddenly he bails on me after a wonderful time traveling around China. I’m in one country, and he’s in another (he’s in India, of course). He hints at it in an email, but I actually am the one who lays it down and says ” Yes, let’s break up.”

He had been wanting a relationship and then he became non-committal throughout the time we were together, and I was tired of it. And this cowardly hinting was really not my style. It’s been a month and some weeks– but I’m still ruminating over the break up and am very sad about it all. I have bouts of crying still. I did fall in love with the bloke, and now he’s taken up with his best friend of 3 or more years (another yoga teacher); and so quickly, too!

She was the one he called each time we ran into a bump on the road of our relationship. He’s admitted to me that he has had feelings for her in the past, which she brushed away, then. After his divorce she was there to help him out. I suddenly feel like a trick horse–our relationship, a reason for him to call her and ask for advice. But I can’t get over it all still. I really did fall for him hard. I am hurting so much that I want a lobotomy to remove all the memories of us together! I’m wondering how I can get through this. I feel incredibly used and have somehow lost faith in myself ( even if i know I’m successful, attractive and smart despite being on the wrong side of 30). What do I do to get past this?

I want to be over this now and its been very difficult. I’m now in yet another foreign country doing research and I have no close friends here. I feel rather alone and abandoned. My work has taken second place. And I just can’t get over how sad I feel. Anger would have been easier to deal with. I would so appreciate a shake from you and some of your straight up advice.

–Aimless and Confused in Bangkok

You say Bangkok, I say ban-cock. Let’s call the whole thing off.

This is so When Harry Met Sally. In case you haven’t seen the film, the recap goes like this: Harry, a neurotic pessimist, becomes friends with Sally, an optimistic picky eater, when they agree that theirs will be nothing but a platonic friendship. Harry marries a woman who tends to retain water, then divorces her when she cheats on him with a tax attorney named Ira. Meanwhile, Sally falls in love with Joe, then breaks up with him after playing a game of “I Spy” with a little girl who spies “a family.” Sally wants marriage and the carriage. Joe, not so much. Fast forward, and our heroes trail and error their way through relationships, sharing every detail with each other. Until, that is, Sally discovers that Joe is marrying his perky secretary, that he does want a family, just not with Sally! Taking comfort in her friend Harry’s arms, Sally is a mess of tears and leaky mascara, which lead to some sex, which ruins their friendship. They both date others, then Harry pursues the crap out of Sally. Coulda, woulda, shoulda is Sally’s favorite rhyme. He had his chance. We’re done. And they are done, until Harry realizes he wants to spend the rest of his life with Sally and is willing to scream it from the rooftop. Their wedding follows, with a delicious cake, with the sauce on the side. THE END

ASK YOURSELF THIS: WHO ARE YOU IN THIS WHEN HARRY MET SALLY SCENARIO?

Sometimes it helps to look at your own situation from a new perspective, temporarily lifting yourself out of the relationship equation to get a bird’s-eye view of you. This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships, by the way. Look at families, alliances, friendships and endships.

It’s easy to vilify, to call him a creep for leading you on, but the truth is, he’s as lost as you are. You’re both just feeling your way through this stuff. If your Yogi-boy is Harry, and this other woman has been his Sally the whole time, then it’s clear to see that you simply are not his happy ending. 

Here’s the fantastic news, love. You don’t want to be on the wrong bus when the right one pulls up. By not being in this love triangle tangle, you’re free to create your own happy ending.

“WHAT DO I DO TO GET OVER THIS?” YOU ASK.
I answer: Every time your whiny victim self comes out feeling sad and missing his smell, you give yourself permission to be a tearjerker and play your sadass clit-rock. Love her. Appreciate her for her ability to love openly; comfort her the way you’d console a child. Put a time limit on that shit though. Then take a look at your no-room-for-bullshit self. Imagine her. Seriously, close your eyes and picture her. Is she a big black woman? A Jillian Michaels lookalike? She’s going to kick your ass if you don’t quit feeling sorry for yourself. Get the hell out of the house. Sit in a cafe, realize that life goes on outside of you and your dramas. And love her. Love your inner “We ain’t got time for this shit, now move it or lose it” self. Watch them both duke it out. Get some distance from it. Just watch. And it will suddenly feel less dire.

Keep yourself busy, go outside, cut off all communication with Sir Yogi, and I promise, promise, promise you will be writing in again to tell us how giddy you are about your new life.

GOT QUESTIONS? NEED ADVICE?
If you have questions or need advice on anything from where to eat to how to get over the bastard, just email your question to my advice email address. Am I a doctor? I don’t even play one on TV, but people keep asking, so I might as well air it and share it.

QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER: I married a Jew who hates, HATES Christmas and has been grumbling about it so much that it’s hard for me to even get excited this year – and I so want to because I’m pregnant and need to ornament my nest. He says I’ll just never understand why he doesn’t like it. I get that it’s not his holiday and before I came along it was always something that other people did, but he doesn’t have to be such a grump. I said we could do Hanukkah if he would rather, but he’s not religious and feels like he’d be a hypocrite if we did. I just want a holiday to be excited about and make crafts and cookies damn it! Anyway, I know you’re a Jew who likes her some Christmas and I’m just looking for ANY suggestions for warming him up to the idea of holidays.

ANSWER: “It’s hard for me to even get excited this year.” Your fault, sister. You’re letting him be the squeaky wheel. You need to stand strong. As much as he grumbles, you won’t let the “grinch” ruin your good holiday mama cheer. Soo…

Avoid angels, crosses, and the color red. Instead focus on Old Man Winter. Snowflake cookies, mittens, and baby booties. Sleds and cocoa. Bake cookies (hard to resist his favorites). Throw a cookie swap party! Wear winter whites with arctic themed leg warmers and slippers (Target has them aplenty).

How to soften him up? Do what makes you happy. Be full of joy and love, and you’ll be hard to resist. When he makes a face, pouts or huffs, ignore it. Don’t make it a discussion. Let HIM bring it up if it still bothers him. You are NOT allowed to whine, “Why can’t you just enjoy it?!” Instead, you enjoy it and let him sulk, but don’t feed into it. Let him have his tantrum.

Listen sister, you can’t let him crush your spirit and joy or you’ll resent him. If it does become a discussion, do what I do, tell him it’s not about Christ’s birth and it’s not religious for you, it’s festive and crafty and creative, and most importantly, it’s about traditions. You want to keep the traditions you have had, traditions he had (offer to make latkes and incorporate any of his family traditions, too), and then think up some traditions of your own. Something new that’s just yours. That doesn’t work? Get him piss drunk off eggnog and call it a day.