Valentine’s Day hell has been thrown into the semi-weekly snow days off from school for good measure. We’re sent home a list with all the names of the students in each class, and a look of dread washes over my face. Make a valentine for each student. Sounds like a nice gesture to some. Know what it sounds like to me? WORK. Torture akin to writing Thank You notes. Hovering over Lucas, seeing that he spells each name correctly and legibly, managing scraps of paper on the floors, markers rolling off tables, glitter in cracks. I used to delight in such projects, and now I’m nearly ready to buy a boxed set of cards, advising only that my pea pods sign their own names to the bottom of each.
Perhaps this is to do with my hormone imbalance. Or maybe I’m tired of doing things just so. I turned to Phil last night and said, “I can’t take it. You have to deal. I’m not putting them to bed, not packing their backpacks, not cleaning that Valentine mess all over the dining room table (pompoms, paper scraps, glue sticks rolled in carpet fibers without caps, scissors and two types of tape, birthday presents to be wrapped). It was all too much. I’d had it. Only in the past, this never would’ve set me off. I would’ve delighted in the whole ordeal, tying on an apron and a camera, wanting to mark the making of a memory.
I went to the gynecologist yesterday, telling her that I’ve noticed that without testosterone, I have no drive, sexual or otherwise. That I’m content in bed without moving. That’s not normal! She was reluctant to draw blood and look at my levels since she’d just prescribed a new testosterone gel for me to try. But, I insisted because really, what the hell is going on? How am I to know what my levels are based on a topical gel? There’s no pill to take, so it’s the same exact dose each day–nothing like that. No, it’s a gel pain in the ass, and each time I apply it, every single day, I then scrub my hands twice, fearing it will transfer to the kids. I’m always very careful about this.
May 29, 2013
Testosterone, Serum: 11 ng/dL (8-48 is standard)
Free Testosterone (Direct): <0.2 pg/mL (0.0-2.2)
She told me 11 was very low for a woman of my age, and it might explain hair loss, low libido, and lack of drive. So onto Androgel I went. She took blood again after a while and the level moved up from 11 to 15, still very low, she said. “Use more.” So, I’ve been using more, hopeful that I’d feel a difference.
February 05, 2014
Testosterone, Serum: 172 ng/dL (8-48) Above Normal High
Free Testosterone (Direct): 1.6 pg/mL (0.0-2.2)
My doctor’s tone when she called today was panicked. She told me to dial it back, go back to using just one drop, and of course I agreed. I think I’m most bothered with this latest result because I feel no difference. When my testosterone was low, my estrogen and other hormones were also out of whack, and in general I felt very short-tempered and easily irritable. I feel the same way now, without any marked sexual desire or muscle tone. And I despise that I have no real measured way of knowing what my levels are, that there’s no measured dose, like in a pill, where you just know where you are.
In the end, Abigail has decided to glue hearts to lace paper doilies, handwriting a note to each classmate, while Lucas chose to give Cheddar Goldfish to his schoolmates, with a note (created by mama, who also had to buy goldfish and labels and bags and then design the thing, distribute the fish, cross off each child’s name, oversee the writing on each, etc.!) saying how thankful he is to be in the same “school.” Pinterest is not my friend.
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Oh, the class Valentines! We’re enough years past them now that they almost sound like fun again. My high schooler only needs help sending flowers to his girlfriend at a different high school. His younger brother, however, wants us to bake cookies… JUST FOR OURSELVES.
I’m so sorry about your hormones. One “perk” of having done the whole cancer thing is instant and complete menopause. I only need take one little purple estrogen pill a day (or grow a full beard). I do remember how miserable I was when my hormones were wackadoo, though – no fun at all.
I think your kids’ Valentines sound darling. Cut yourself a break and let the picture-taking every cute occasion thing go. Goodness knows my memories are full and rich, and pictures documenting my childhood are shamefully scarce (I was the photo-forgotten second child).
While I’m busy giving unsolicited advice (you’re welcome!), here’s another piece: post more often here. I hated coming by just to see that post about that insane perfume place for so many days on end. You’re too good a writer to give those people top-of-blog attention for that long.
Be well,
Sallie
I love Jewish pre-school with no Valentine’s Day. (And no Halloween. I’m the bah-humbuggiest about this stuff). I despise forced holiday crafting. Or any crafting. I dread this stuff coming next year in public school.
But I know how you used to revel in such things. So I’m sorry you’re dealing with this testosterone thing. Any of these docs suggest OTC dhea? I know your issues are more involved than just an OTC thing but I was told that helps symptoms you’re talking about. Hope you find the right thing to make you feel like you again.
I loved Jewish pre-school for those reasons, too. Also for all the “Challah Days,” when they came home each Friday with Challah that they baked.
And here I was thinking we’d you’d be sharing an skool Valentines Day itinerary.. Ah homrones. Romantic indeed. I am curious (totally selfishly asking btw) do you go to a hair doc for the hair loss or to a regular doc for a blood panel to check hormones? I take biotinm iron, and other vitamins. Don’t yank the hair back in a ponytail either.. anyone else have this happen?
Once yo hit 40 I know it’s a ‘thing’ and I am freaked out. Long thick hair and suddenly noticing breakage on the temple area (like significant enough for me to obsess over but not enough for say, my husband to agree with me- or maybe he is scared to lol). I have no idea how much hormone replacement costs or whatnot even with our insurance. Great, already stressed about this before making the appointment. Anyway, the irritable and low energy symtpoms (tired easily) I read here makes me want to book an appointment to be sure. See? Your blog helps people, yo. I also laughed at the valntine name list; they cancelled school again today in Texas (too cold, they say..ha) and my kindergartener is sprawled on the floor making frantic looking cards for his buddies. When he runs out of steam I am taking him to the CVS down the street to grab some pre made cards. Haha.
I do not go to a hair specialist, no. My regular internal medicine doctor checked my thyroid (1.9) (range is 0.3-3.0), and most people tell me they feel best when theirs is closest to 0. And he sent me for an ultrasound of thyroid and kidneys, said all was normal. All blood tests are normal, except for now with the high testosterone. Before they said, “You’re losing hair because not enough testosterone.” Now what’s the reason? TORTURE.
I realize I have a lot of hair! Very fine, and a lot of it, but I’ve noticed around the hairline it’s thinning, and I was super paranoid about it. I already take 5000 mg of Biotin and it does nothing. Maybe I need a better quality Biotin? I wish there was a doctor who could tell me WHY, what has caused PREMATURE menopause, at age 36 (maybe 37). Now I’m 38. It’s not cool, and I wish they’d find a culprit. This is what my internal medicine guy asked my gynecologist, and she told him, “we simply don’t know.” Joy.
I assume by 1.9 you mean that’s your TSH? While the range they gave you is the “normal” range, the “optimal” range is actually 1-2 and you’re pretty close to the top of that. But what I really wanted to tell you is that when checking the thyroid you can not just look at the TSH levels, you need to have your free T3 and free T4 looked at too, as well as your vitamin D and B12 levels. Most GP/internal medicine docs don’t do this. Your TSH could be OK-ish like it is but that wouldn’t show if your body is converting T4 to T3 well, which could be the root cause of your problems.
Ooh, so helpful. Thank you!
Ugh – so sorry to hear about the hormones. Keep looking for a doc to help, someone is going to have the answers.
Now – to V-Day. OH how I hate it – HATE IT. I hate it even more than Christmas, and that’s saying something. In the realm of the universe, and let’s be honest, who really likes it? If you’re single, it singles you out. If your with someone, it’s a death-trap. Most of all – it’s a completely made-up, fabricated and nonsensical day. It is nothing but an opportunity to stomp on feelings while trying to be sincere and precious. UGH.
I was not always so cynical – I got engaged on Valentine’s Day. Oh, my sweet, hopeful, optimistic, blissfully ignorant 19 year old self loved everything about it. It was so romantic and delicious, he, on bended knee, presenting me a beautiful ruby and diamond engagement ring, champagne at the restaurant (though I was a minor), champagne at my parents’ and his parents’ homes, and then the symphony complete with dancing afterward.
Every thought I had was seen through that diamond and ruby filter – skewing the red flags that this was not the right move into a veritable rainbow of colors. Every brain cell (and admittedly 19 year old girls don’t have many), I rode the high of the ego-boosting proposal right out of fantasy and smack into a 13 year marital nightmare reality.
This year, with the teens strewn across the world, I am sending boxes of chocolates to them, and sending myself roses. I told my lover this morning that I love flowers and I’ll buy them for myself. I refuse to be caught up or lost in the drama of the day ever again. I think we’ll have a heart shaped pizza, and I’ll express my love to him that day just like I do every day. Drama-free.
The Valentine’s Day craft projects sound like a bundle of mishegoss wrapped in a bow. How does this activity relate to education (apart from teaching manners)? It detracts from education! Not to mention wastes the valuable time of a parent.
To get a consistent dose of T, you might consider an extreme solution–injections rather than gels. Works for bodybuilders. You’d have to vet this with your doctor, and be careful not to overdo it. But it small doses this might be a solution to bring the T levels to normal.
Give yourself a break, stop being your own worst enemy! The truth of the matter is that your kids are going to have fun and great memories either way; making a “perfect” valentine is wayyyyyy more about YOU than it is about them…. So make it easier for both of you, and just let them do as they please (sounds like you did that anyway). Then, you’ll have some energy stores for when you have a dinner party and want to make fancy homemade invites. Win-win! Hope you’re feeling better soon…hang in there!
Amen! Try to be aware of being such a perfectionist. The world will not end if a marker rolls off the table or Lucas misspells a name. It’s exhausting just thinking about it. And don’t kid yourself for a second that your kids don’t feel the pressure of mom needing them to be just-so. That’s the kind of dynamic that has been shown to be linked to eating disorders later on. I think if you had a job you might be forced to chill a bit and not be so type-A at home. Terribly sorry for your hormonal struggles but I wonder if it’s not responsible for your lack of drive & panicky symptoms. I’d really encourage you to see a psychiatrist about those because I think depression is at play here.
If I read this from pretty much anybody else, I would be nodding on my side of the laptop. But for you, I am actually concerned, because this seems to be such a deviation from your normal verve for crafting. A long time reader of this site, I remember your posts on the beautiful first year books you made for Lucas and Abigail and even your dream craft room.
I sincerely hope that you get to the bottom of whatever ails you because this seems so out of character for you. There are a lot of people cheering from her for you. Take care.