Blah. Blah. Blah. There. Now that that’s out of the way, we continue with our regularly scheduled randomness.
The beans graduate from Kindergarten this week, although school isn’t out until June 21st. At which point they’ll head off to day camp, where? Good question. I’ve been avoiding signing them up, mostly because I don’t want to hear from Phil how it’s money out the window, especially if I’m not working. Said discussion leads to my feeling like anti-depressants would rock right about now. Seriously. I was on them a long time ago and now I think it’s about time I give ’em another go. Because I feel blah again, quiet, inside. This past weekend, while visiting with Alexandra in her Hamptons home, she asked how the writing was going. I had nothing to say. Just blah. No excitement. Just down, really down.
While I say aloud daily all I have to be so thankful for, and it’s a lot, it doesn’t lift my mood or energize me. I went back to my gynecologist, who tested my testosterone levels, saying they were, once again, “Still, very very low.” So, now I’m to use a bit more of the Androgel and re-test my blood in 6 weeks. Perhaps that will put some drive in me, sexual and otherwise.
I’ve gained 6 lbs since February. I weigh 135 lb. now. But at least I’m in the right mindset where my weight is concerned. My focus is now on eating healthfully, avoiding grains and processed sugars. I feel better about that. But then I think about signing them up for camp, and I feel heavy again. It has to be a total ass-drag to read this blog. Sorry. I feel badly about that too.
Know what will cheer me up? Spending the rest of today making a “Year in Review” video of the kids. Because in the end, that’s what matters most, the memories and the deliciousness of our lives, savoring the smaller details and delights. For now, that’s where I’m trying to focus. Convinced? Me neither. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this funk– I just caught myself there. “Why pull yourself out? Just accept that this is how you’re feeling, become a witness to it, just observe it. Don’t judge it.” Someone sure is listening to perhaps a few too many self-help gurus. What do you do when you get the blahs in a big way?
Time with friends. Check. I just did that. It didn’t help. I tried watching trash TV, Pretty Little Liars via Netflix, seasons 1 and 2, also not helping. Food definitely won’t help. Magazines just emphasize the materialistic. And The Bacheloreete SUCKS this season. All the “Man Candy” is stale.