7-year-itch, linked to trailer living

June 15, 2013

straight up advice

QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER:

Help me please.  My husband came home one day and said he is retiring at the end of the year and that we are moving into a camper…No way I am going to live in a camper behind his elderly mother’s house. There’s a 65 yr old blind daughter that lives there, too (My line of work is as a nurse’s aid). We’ve been married going on 7 years now.

Long story short, now we are getting a divorce, and I was going to file and ask for it, but he beats me to the punch.  I got my papers one week ago at work. I came across the state, 1,700 miles, to move here and marry, after knowing him over the Internet. ( Big mistake, I know).  I do believe he has narcissistic traits because there has been a lot of bullshit along with our marriage.  Like stonewalling and he gets very angry when there are subjects he will knot discuss. Anyway it is over and I want to put this past behind me and move back home. Well now the problem is that he has brought his mother here, mind you, into our home.  After she just had a heart attack earlier this year and was in the hospital and nursing home for 6 weeks…   They both are sleeping on the sectional sofa,  and this is not a healthy situation with my husband always being abusive to me.  He has not bought any groceries. Just for himself and now just for his mommy, too.  This morning I go downstairs to get a cup of coffee, and he takes the pot and dumps it down the sink. I am always mad, and he is making me crazy on purpose.  I try not to get mad at her, but it’s really hard.

This is so bad, I just want to scream and now that’s just what he want me to do, so I look bad! What can I do? They are both driving me crazy.  Please, I go to my attorney on Wednesday. But my nerves are shot now.  What can I do.  I go to work and come home and there they are plotting against me. She had the nerve to tell me she doesn’t want to get involved, but there she sits. Going on 8 days now!!!!!!

Please answer back soon with sane reasonable advice.  I can not take another day of this!!!! Sent from my iPad I gave up everything I had to move here, good job, house I was buying, household furniture and my family. I want to get all I can to start over back home. Help me.

straight up advice

Oy. Do you have access to a good liquor cabinet? I understand that you’re reaching out, but I don’t even know where to begin. Perhaps others can weigh in first.

Okay, my turn. First, this is obviously an unhealthy situation, and you need to remove yourself as swiftly as possible. You must have a friend or relative who is willing to help out. You could also contact an abuse hotline or women’s shelter for suggestions. In the meanwhile, I’d contact my credit card company and ask for statements going back to when you purchased the household items (before you were married), then speak with your lawyer and tell him/her that you have proof that you bought these items before marriage and now that you must leave an abusive home, you want to take these items with you. Can you have the items shipped “back home,” where you plan to start over? It is essential that you get yourself out of that hostile situation, as it’s bad for your health. Genuinely.

“It is over, and I want to put this past behind me.” You’ve said these words, but are you living them? Have you stopped telling yourself the story of how you’ve been wronged and taken and replaced it? With what? With compassion for yourself. You made a mistake. You’ll make more, but hopefully your next mistakes won’t be a carbon copy of this one. You chose wrong. Learn from that so you don’t choose wrong again. Make a list of all the things that once appealed to you about him, and why were you so quick to marry him? What need did it fill? You need to make sure that you’re able to fill this need yourself before you even consider dating again.

go ahead, ask“I am always mad, and he is making me crazy,” you say, but no one can make us feel anything. You let yourself get crazed by him, by her. Easier said than done, to simply turn off the caring and the defensiveness. Try to view every encounter you’re forced to have with them as a witness. Take some mental distance and just observe the dynamic. It helps calm us and lets us be our best selves. Be kind to yourself, get some therapy, someone to vent to–girlfriends help. And try to see this moment in your life as a lesson, from where you can one day say, “From that day on, I was my best self. My life completely turned around once I stopped trying to be saved and chose to save myself.”

 

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If you have questions or need advice on anything from where to eat to how to get over the bastard, just email your question to my advice email address.


8 Responses to “7-year-itch, linked to trailer living”

  1. Carol Says:

    This is such a complicated situation that I’m not sure casual advice will help unravel it for you. I recommend you find the hotline/shelter for abused women and call them immediately. They can guide you much better than we can. And “abuse” means “emotional abuse” as well, so yes, you are an abused woman and they should be able to guide you. They might be able to temporarily house you but for sure could point you to mental health help (you need emotional support and help unraveling the situation so you can make a plan to re-start your life) Good luck to you.

    Reply

  2. Kimberly Says:

    Prepare yourself with a meeting with the lawyer by bringing all relevant documents. Pay stubs, tax returns, mortgage/rental information, an inventory of items you brought to the marriage that you would like to keep, retirement accounts, car notes, etc. Make a list of all the outstanding issues you can think of and assemble documentation. This gives you something tangible to focus on and will help get the ball rolling when you talk to your attorney.

    If you have a joint bank account, make sure you take out some cash in case he drains the accounts. Either open up a personal account or keep it someplace very, very safe.

    If it makes you feel any better, your lawyer has probably seen it all and then some. You won’t be alone.

    Reply

  3. Lisa Says:

    It’s sad to think you’re wasting time in escaping and getting out of that crazy place!! Your psyche is only going to continue to be repressed by all the emotional abuse. Clearly you know this is all wrong, or else you wouldn’t be seeking help. He’s done you a favor by already serving papers. Just cut your losses and leave everything behind. Do you have any friends or family far, far away from this house? Someplace you can escape and have a reprieve? A place to regain your confidence and your soul? Perhaps find a women’s shelter for domestic violence? Clearly this man is abusive… It’s important to find and surround yourself by those friends and family who loved you. They will understand and take you back…Just get out of there!!!!

    Reply

  4. MERRITT Says:

    Hope it’s okay to refer to another blog, but Kris Carr’s pep talk post today seems like relevant advice for your reader Stephanie.

    Reply

  5. Renee Says:

    Speak with your lawyer, but I think this is one of those situations where material posessions don’t really matter. My guess is that fighting for ‘stuff’ will only prolong the emotional abuse. I would want out of this mess even if it meant starting over from scratch. As long as I had the negativity out of my life, it would be worth it.

    Reply

  6. Jacks Says:

    WHAT RENEE AND KIMBERLEY SAY.

    Reply

  7. Naomi C NYC Says:

    Stephanie, when are you going to answer the question?

    Reply

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