pounded into submission

January 22, 2013

entertaining, food love

I can’t be alone in this. Tonight was to be pork chops smothered with spiced apples, served over bacon-laced grits.

When a recipe calls for pork, say, to be pounded into half-inch cutlets, I’m incapable of eyeballing it. I keep a metal ruler in my kitchen drawer for just this purpose. I have a general idea of what an inch looks like; I can eyeball the width of air between my fingers, but after an inch, it turns into the biggest fish I ever caught. The space widens and pieces of meat, or apple, or time begin to look distorted. They refuse to wear the uniform. But when I rely on the ruler, everyone’s a soldier.

With this recipe, which called for six pork chops, pounded within a half-inch of their lives, I steadied the ruler and got to work.

Only, when is the last time I pounded meat into submission? I cannot find my mallet. I left it in the 90s with my apartment. When pounding meat, best to do so in the middle of a table, lest what happened to me happens to you. There it is. There it was. There it went.

Sandwiched between two sheets of parchment were my one-and-a-half-inch chops. I began to beat them with the back of a saucepan. They flattened to 3/4″ islands, and all too soon I understood from where the saying, “I’m gonna beat you to the floor” came. Like continents that split apart over time, cracked by oceans, the cutlets spread to the corners of my table, inching slowly apart, close to their death. With one last whack of my pan, my poor little meatballs rolled right out the door.

12 Responses to “pounded into submission”

  1. Rachel Says:

    Your blog entries make no sense.

    Reply

  2. glenda Says:

    Hey Steph I use a rolling pin and beat them to death }}}

    Reply

  3. Sallie Says:

    I thought this was a sweetly self deprecating glimpse into Stephanie’s mundane.

    Sometimes I find her writing overwrought (sorry, Stephanie), but this entry read honestly.

    I appreciated the restraint shown in the brevity, and frankly I giggled: fun, fun, little snapshot.

    Reply

  4. GP Says:

    When was the last time you pounded meat into submission? I don’t know, should we ask Phil? (Sorry, couldn’t resist, even though I’m pretty sure the double entendre was intentional…) :)

    Reply

  5. Jenn Bo Says:

    Oh this was hilarious! I love it. PS – I get it. =)

    Reply

  6. freya Says:

    Hi Stephanie,

    Hope all goes well with Phil today.

    Sending warm thoughts from the UK!!

    Reply

  7. Angel Says:

    Stephanie,
    It takes a keen mind to appreciate all your blogs and books and I have appreciated every word, Keep on writing!!

    Reply

  8. Marilyn Says:

    The other day I was congratulating myself on being a good cook after making a particularly tasty dish of mushroom ravioli, original recipe. Then, I started thinking of the thousands of meals I have cooked over the years and thought…”You’d have to be an idiot who never learns by her mistakes or a complete lazy a$$ if you weren’t a good cook by now.” I don’t know why your post reminded me of this… I found it cute though.. your post that is.

    Reply

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