That Dr. Oz, love him or hate the idea of him because of the apple juice arsenic kerfuffle, is making me want to do something. I feel like upgrading my cabin to first class, or even business class, by way of supplements. I sat there watching a show of his weeks back, reaching for a device–a pad and paper is never to be found–eager to type in notes, word for word, on how to kick-start the metabolism I’d recently drop-kicked into left field.
Drink red wine, he said. With ice chips and some mint. This I could do. And what’s an extra pill to swallow, what with the estrogen and progesterone and testosterone gel rubbed into my thigh? Might as well go all out.
So, I joined a gym, had some metabolic testing done, where they secure a face mask over my mouth and nose, making me look like some sexual deviant on a treadmill. It was very Silence of the Lambs. And when the trainer spoke to me about working my most important muscle, the heart, all I could do was think, TONGUE. “Because without your heart, you die.” He said. To which I replied, “Yes, but without a tongue, you were never really alive.” Taste and licking and flicking, ice cream for goodness sake. Oh my heavens, and this new Cinnamon Buns flavor by Ben & Jerry’s is obscene. I used it this weekend, smeared onto a biscuit, smothered in mashed strawberries and a chiffon of fresh mint. Dying for more.
Instead, I will order things I cannot pronounce over the internet, because it’s cheaper than buying these items at whole foods. Then, I’ll scurry to the gym where I’ll once again strap on a deviant mask for my calorie point, where I’ll be told how much many calories my body needs to do absolutely nothing but exist. I need more education on this.
As for the online purchases, I share the obsession with you now. According to the great and powerful Oz:
FucoThin, 200mg daily with food.
Fucoxanthin is typically found in the chloroplasts of brown seaweed, giving them a brown or olive-green color. Seaweed is a group of multicellular marine organisms that obtain energy via photosynthesis. Fucoxanthin helps create the heat in the cells that burn the fat. Increasing this process at the cellular level helps increase your metaoblism and thus maximizing weight loss!
Sacha Inchi is derived from a nut grown in the Andes Mountains and rainforests of Peru. It’s loaded with vitamin E, omega-3s, and anti-inflammatories that attack belly fat. Available online or at health food stores, take 600 mg of Sacha Inchi once a day.