degrees of metabolic suckatude

September 5, 2012

dysfunctional dieter

That Dr. Oz, love him or hate the idea of him because of the apple juice arsenic kerfuffle, is making me want to do something. I feel like upgrading my cabin to first class, or even business class, by way of supplements. I sat there watching a show of his weeks back, reaching for a device–a pad and paper is never to be found–eager to type in notes, word for word, on how to kick-start the metabolism I’d recently drop-kicked into left field.

Drink red wine, he said. With ice chips and some mint. This I could do. And what’s an extra pill to swallow, what with the estrogen and progesterone and testosterone gel rubbed into my thigh? Might as well go all out.

So, I joined a gym, had some metabolic testing done, where they secure a face mask over my mouth and nose, making me look like some sexual deviant on a treadmill. It was very Silence of the Lambs. And when the trainer spoke to me about working my most important muscle, the heart, all I could do was think, TONGUE. “Because without your heart, you die.” He said. To which I replied, “Yes, but without a tongue, you were never really alive.” Taste and licking and flicking, ice cream for goodness sake. Oh my heavens, and this new Cinnamon Buns flavor by Ben & Jerry’s is obscene. I used it this weekend, smeared onto a biscuit, smothered in mashed strawberries and a chiffon of fresh mint. Dying for more.

Instead, I will order things I cannot pronounce over the internet, because it’s cheaper than buying these items at whole foods. Then, I’ll scurry to the gym where I’ll once again strap on a deviant mask for my calorie point, where I’ll be told how much many calories my body needs to do absolutely nothing but exist. I need more education on this.

As for the online purchases, I share the obsession with you now. According to the great and powerful Oz:
FucoThin, 200mg daily with food.

Fucoxanthin is typically found in the chloroplasts of brown seaweed, giving them a brown or olive-green color. Seaweed is a group of multicellular marine organisms that obtain energy via photosynthesis. Fucoxanthin helps create the heat in the cells that burn the fat. Increasing this process at the cellular level helps increase your metaoblism and thus maximizing weight loss!

Sacha Inchi is derived from a nut grown in the Andes Mountains and rainforests of Peru. It’s loaded with vitamin E, omega-3s, and anti-inflammatories that attack belly fat. Available online or at health food stores, take 600 mg of Sacha Inchi once a day.

10 Responses to “degrees of metabolic suckatude”

  1. Amy H Says:

    Thoughts on the raspberry ketones? That’s the show I saw and he was pretty excited about them. I’m a type 1 diabetic and I don’t think he ever gives any warnings about preexisting conditions

    Reply

  2. Jes Says:

    Hm. Interesting. Please report back with results!

    Reply

  3. erose Says:

    How long have you been taking the supplements, and how are you feeling? I have been thinking lately that it might be good to get my metabolism tested and get a better idea of what is going on in my body. Right now, I feel like my metabolism is 3. As in, I burn 3 calories a day.

    In other news, I have recently started acupuncture for joint pain and stiffness I have been having, and I love it! In one session, I had some improvement. After the second session, the worst of my stiffness is gone. This is after 6 months of labs and doctors and no diagnosis or relief. Unbelievable. So, if you are up for alternative ways to just generally improve your health, it might be worth a try…

    Reply

  4. Jen Says:

    Have you considered muscle testing? I have been visiting naturopathic physicians for years and I did not start to feel better until I was muscle tested on all of my supplements. I was able to keep some that I was already taking and others I had to replace. Within a week and a half of changing my supplementation regimine many of my ailments disappeared. Many people think that it is BS but I swear by it. Every few months I go back and I am muscle tested again as my body tends to change. I have found that some supplements are not good for you. I was tested on three different brands of Vitamin C until we found the right one.

    Reply

  5. Jen Says:

    Based on the concept of internal energy fundamental to traditional Chinese medicine, muscle testing is a noninvasive way of evaluating the body’s imbalances and assessing its needs. It involves testing the body’s responses when applying slight pressure to a large muscle, to provide information on energy blockages, the functioning of the organs, nutritional deficiencies, and food sensitivities, among other things. It can also be used to test the body’s responses to herbs and other remedies.

    In a typical example of muscle testing, you’re given an herb to hold. You extend the other arm and are asked to keep it straight. The practitioner presses down on this arm and the opposite shoulder with equal pressure (to facilitate balance). If the herb is something you need, you’ll be able to resist the downward pressure and hold your arm rigid. If not, you won’t. The same procedure can be used to determine how often you should take each herb and how much each time. It can also be used to test the body’s responses to foods (for allergies), thoughts, sounds, colors, and emotions. – from goodhealthinfo.net

    Sounds crazy, right? I thought so too, but my experience has been unbelievable. I even tried to trick the naturopathic physician performing the muscle testing because I was skeptical, but your body doesn’t lie. She also performed supplement testing using dowsing rods. Once again I thought that this was crazy, but it appears to be working. I previously had IBS for about 5 years and without changing my diet it went away within a little over a week (I did however change the supplements I was consuming).

    In addition to the supplement testing she also tested me on different types of food. I found that many of the foods that I eat do not agree with my system. Unfortunately I have not followed the dietary changes needed to lose weight. I have heard that if you cut out certain foods that do not agree with your system you can lose weight. Dr. Oz even has an article pertaining to this on his website.

    http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/anti-allergy-diet

    Reply

  6. Annabelle Says:

    I enjoy reading your blog, and I’m all for you making a little extra money from it, but don’t you think it would be more professional to disclose that all of your links to Amazon are actually affiliate ones?

    Reply

  7. Sara Says:

    i tried this product years ago and saw no changes other than my pocketbook. he IS paid for his product endorsement.

    Reply

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