what not to wear, ever

mobile uploads from a fitting room

In FRIENDSHIP, PREENING, STYLE by Stephanie Klein30 Comments

Because really, this is what happens when you grow up and have children. You no longer have the luxury of shopping with friends. It’s rare, and it used to be a given. Weekends were spent weaving in and out of boutiques, mostly browsing, but definitely bonding. Talking in relationship redux while commenting on lipstick shades. Now, we resort to text messages, where I stand naked-ish in a fitting room awaiting a reply.

When did shopping stop being a group activity? When we’re young, we have our mothers, next our friends. Eventually a boyfriend who slips into the fitting room mostly to grab a handful and eyeful, hoping to entice you to “do it” quiet-like. Then the saleswoman asks if you need another size, and with him flashing you now, you ask her for something bigger, enjoying the irony. Soon, we’ll rely on our kids and buy anything that might be included on a colorful cereal box—anything loud, graphic, or sparkly.

And, yes. With regard to the photos below, those are BAGS, not of the shopping variety. I was running on empty, and if I were the praying type, I’d get down on both knees and beg that I get some decent sleep and even better creams.

My girl texting conversation below:

STEPHANIE: LeighaLove, with what do I wear such Kardashian pants? It’s not as easy as you’d think! How about this? And FYI, they are olive green pants. Leopard belt, black thin blouse, brown shoe.
J Brand Cargo Pants with Zippers

LEIGHA: ummm holy shit skinny girl! i love it! Such a a cute combo. I gotta go to nordies rack and see if they have those at my store.
STEPHANIE: Okay, what about this? Way too cougar trying way too hard, right? Yay or no way?
Sky (Think Housewives of Cougartown County)

LEIGHA: No way Jose! Love the color but not the style of dress, specifically the butt thigh band. I would pass.

STEPHANIE: Shoulder pads?? Buy?
LEIGHA: Hmm, it’s interesting. Nice little waist btw ;)
LEIGHA: I think I’d be for it as a dress, but I’m undecided as a shirt.
LEIGHA: Might as well then!
STEPHANIE: Though I’d have to spend a fortune getting 2 hairdos if I wear as dress…
STEPHANIE: Way too short. Not a chance!
LEIGHA: Just a few inches. What’s the blue tank there?
STEPHANIE: Getting that blue Rebecs Taylor tank. [shown way below, once I’m home] dyeflow
STEPHANIE: To wear with jean short?
LEIGHA: As in ‘yes,’ good w shorts, or over bathing suit
STEPHANIE: Ignore tank underneath
LEIGHA: I like that
LEIGHA: Pretty! I like the neckline and waist. How much?
STEPHANIE: 60 beans
LEIGHA: Are we in danger of your boob popping out
LEIGHA: I love the long green dress. Just have to say again.
LEIGHA: I enjoy that
LEIGHA: I have a Rachel Roy kinda like that. I wore out when you were here
LEIGHA: Maybe pop an orange, turquoise, or studded belt on that.

LEIGHA: I was on hike. Lots of pics to look over, shit!!!
LEIGHA: Skirt and tank r cute
LEIGHA: Brown shirt dress looks comfy and like you
LEIGHA: Brown, blue and pink dress are all so-so for me.
LEIGHA: Orange floral is pretty, good for a wedding. U look great in it but I’m not obsessed
LEIGHA: My faves are long maxi. Blue print short dress and skirt combo.
LEIGHA: Ew to that green sequin tank thing
STEPHANIE: Ha, ok. Blue tie dye dress? Tealish skirt/ strapless thing? Eh
LEIGHA: Cute to tie dye. I’m on fence about strapless thing
STEPHANIE: Then I will pass. That shit always gives me flapjacks.
STEPHANIE: So, no to this?
LEIGHA: Fence. Your call.
STEPHANIE: YES! It’s so so light.
LEIGHA: It has pockets and would be a good day dress. Do u have anything like it?
LEIGHA: Get it girl. You’re sassy!

STEPHANIE: $545 later…
STEPHANIE: Now, what, oh what, to return?
STEPHANIE: ooh, here’s top I didn’t show you
LEIGHA: Classy and fun, could even belt it.
STEPHANIE: What would I do without you? I’d have more money, for sure. Though I’d walk around with sandbag ass and sequins, so my bumps thank you.

[ FYI: I did NOT buy the shoulderpad top, the blue tranny dress, either of the tie dye ensembles, nor the flapjack boob killer skirt/dress. Said no to the orange flowers, the gray stripes, and I’m now returning the green maxi dress because Phil says I look like I’m in the army. “What can I say? I’m just not into camo.” Keeping the sequin off the shoulder sweater, the bright blue patterned dress, the very light splashy dress, the very last blue tank (shown with cream pant). Then I made the mistake of “just looking” through the shoe department, and snatched up the softest leather golden ballet flats with a chunk of sparkle on the toe. Ah, to waste time and play while the husband’s away. Girl bliss.] Now there’s packing to be done and even more girls to start missing! I know NO ONE in Florida (ya, know, aside from my mother, 45 minutes north, and my sissy, 3 hours away).

I’m sad to be leaving, but I’m also excited for the new. Making the most of the mixed.


  1. A,lexandra E.

    Holy hell, your figure is amazing!! Congrats on your newfound skinny and I hope you do feel great! (note: I don’t think skinny is a “must” for visual reasons… I am all about the health benefits though)

    That skirt/top ensemble (second pic from bottom) is fabulous!! You are one hot lady. Too bad you didn’t take the flowy tie-dye top, though, I really loved that on you. And yay on the silver sweater, very cool.

  2. Lela

    Loved this column. I so would like to have those best shopping girlfriends again. Also, because my husband and I moved something like 17 times before we had children I know the feeling about being both happy and sad. So I just started to think that “I will bloom wherever I am planted!” Try that phrase on too!

  3. kb

    So skinny, girl! What are you weighing now, and what size are you? Is it simply the Weight Watchers (recording your food), or are you exercising a ton as well?

  4. anon1

    Ew to them all. You will fit in very well in Florida. And complaining about your kids tuition, then dropping a load (pun for you, cuz you are gross that way) on ugly clothes? Fail.

    1. bayou

      If you read the post, you’ll see that she didn’t buy most of the clothes she tried on. The total had she bought them would have been nearly $600, but she didn’t buy them all so it didn’t.

    2. Rainy

      Do you ever have anything positive to say or are you always so negatve?

  5. Leigha

    Too bad about the maxi dress, I loved it but I guess we do want Phil to like how ya look, I guess;)

  6. Louisa Huber

    Love your writing-style! It`s makes me laughing and it`s so true. The last time i was shopping, I took my four-years-old daughter with me. 20 Minutes – then she was crying and crying and crying… So we went home. No chance to enjoy a shopping tour with kids in that age. Hope my husband will take her this weekend, so that I can meet my girlfriend…

  7. Megan

    Anon1, I think you’re thong is on backwards.

    You look great, Stephanie. LOVE the Rebecca Taylor top. I, like kb, am curious what you weigh. I’m thinking somewhere around 125?

  8. Megan

    Anon1, I think your thong is on backwards.

    You look great, Stephanie. LOVE the Rebecca Taylor top. I, like kb, am curious what you weigh. I’m thinking somewhere around 125?

  9. CC

    Anon..you seem to really dislike sk based on a lot of comments. Are you a formmer friend? I
    Am curious why you come here so oftten when it seems she annoys you? Genuine question not needling you.

  10. Kimberly

    LOVE the first picture! Congratulations on the weight loss! You look fantastic.

  11. CC

    First one is the best! Cool and not trying too hard. The tie dyes always look
    Tacky no matter the material or price. The olive maxi was cute keep it!
    How are you so thin when you drink a fair amount socially (not calling you
    A lush! Haha) and are such a food lover. Weight watchers and nothing else?
    It’s awesome. I would post pictures showing off my weight too

  12. Alison

    Just wondering…when you’ll stop being so obsessed with your weight. Sorry to call a spade a spade, but would you have posted these pics if you weren’t so skinny? Is this a post about shopping or a post about being skinny.

  13. Andrea

    I really think the green maxi dress looks fabulous, you should reconsider returning.

    And Anon1 is an a-hole (I think I may have mentioned that before). Is this person a former fat camp friend who wasn’t as successful as you in keeping the weight off? I figure there must be a reason for all the vitriol…

  14. Kayte

    Wowsa! You look absolutely fabulous! I really admire the determination, self-discipline, and physical work it took to transform yourself. Good for you. And for what it’s worth–I love the clothes on you in pics 1,6,7,9,15, and 16.

  15. Caro

    The green dress looks great on you – if you like it you should keep it. Wear it for yourself when Phil isn’t around.

  16. LolaD

    Totally jealous that your boobs stay big even when the rest of you gets skinny!

  17. Cat

    For some reason, I thought your sister lived in Montana. Maybe I’m not reading carefully and missed when she moved.

    You seem to do very, very well at meeting new people and making friends. I have a feeling you’ll do fine in Boca. Plus, with a mom and a sis, I would be so happy to have both (albeit 3 hours is far).

    1. Author
      Stephanie Klein

      She used to live in Montana, became a massage therapist. Then, 2 years ago (I think) she moved to Gainsville… going to school for Acupuncture and Chinese Herbs & Medicine. And, yes, I’m very excited about holidays now!

  18. jocelyn

    last pic blue top cream pants. You look great, don’t listen to anyone. I have also sent pics to friends from dressing rooms and waited for response, has nothing to do with vanity. I am in new york, sister in MT, friend in AZ, we are all too seperated these days. Good luck on the move.

  19. Julie

    This is where the iPhone Facetime would come in really handy because you could talk live with a camera and not have to wait for someone to text you back!

  20. Madda

    I urgently need your sense of fashion and tastful eye. I’m going to a wedding in a few days (a summer-afternoon-park party) and have this amazing black dress (I was looking for somethin colorful but then fell in love with this one)

    I wear it with silver high heel sandals. Which accessoires are a must? What would you suggest?
    Let me know,

  21. Brian

    I found this post by chance through a Google image search. I feel like the boyfriend in the room with you as these are the sexiest PG photos. :) You look great in everything, but that gray and white striped dress would have to be the boyfriend favorite. ;)

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