QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER: I am desperate for your advice, but have been hesitant to solicit it for fear of your fans, or worse, your despising me. You see, I am having an affair with a friend’s boyfriend.
He and I had an instant connection from the moment we met about three years ago, but we always kept our distance from each other because we knew not doing so could spell trouble and we were right. About four months ago we agreed to meet up for dinner. I went home with him that night and we’ve had an on-going affair ever since.
He and his girlfriend have been having some problems for a while. They rarely have sex (this has been told to me by both parties). They are basically best friends with no sexual connection.
I can’t help it, I have feelings for him (and him for me, or so he says) and we have an amazing connection. I feel like he is the one. Cliché, I know. I thought I could be this go-with-the-flow cool chick and not put any pressure on him. That in time, he’d see how amazing I am and realize that we are also like best friends, but so much more. But four months have gone by and I’m starting to wonder why he’s still juggling us both. I’ve put some pressure on him to make a decision, telling him I will walk away and let him work on things with her if that’s what he feels he needs to do, but he still hasn’t given me an answer either way.
It’s going to hurt like hell, but I have to be realistic and realize that I need to walk away. I need advice on how to be strong enough to cut him out of my life and not go back to him. And do I need to walk away from my friendship with the woman as well? It’s so hard to hear her talk about him, and I’m constantly making comparisons between her and myself.
Any advice you can give would be appreciated. And please know I do feel awful about this situation and will never allow anything like this to ever happen again.
Lost and confused
ANSWER: You say, “I feel like he is the one. Cliché, I know.”
I say, you’re right. He is “the one.” The one who lacks character, the one who doesn’t have the courage to live life cleanly. He’s the one who is capable of lying. He’s the one who has the capacity to live a separate life, while living a lie. He’s the one sticking his dick into both of you. And you’re the one who’s allowing it.
What would your childhood self think of you now? Would she feel good about this? Would she tell you to wait? And wait for what, exactly? You already have your answer: this is a man capable of this behavior. Do you want to spend any of your time in a relationship with a man whose moral compass allows him to live this way? You aren’t living up to who you want to be. So, what do you do? Just that, you do. You don’t talk about doing, think about doing, you just do.
Change is a so so hard, but it’s also exactly what you have to do in order to experience true joy. You won’t, I can promise you, experience joy and giddiness waiting around for him to make some decision. And good for you for making one, a decision. Now do.