I admit a lot of things, things people sometimes won’t even admit to themselves, never mind the world (wide web). I watch The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and worse still, Bachelor Pad (and it’s boring!). That’s right. I admit it. I do nasty things we really needn’t get into, which is more for your sake than mine. I have very little shame. It’s why I’m up to admitting that I’ve been known to string together “giddy” and “J.Crew” in a single sentence. So there it is: I was giddy when the September ’10 J.Crew catalog arrived.
Until I opened it.
Holy suckhouse. How is it even possible that I leafed my way through its pages and not a one got dogeared. Aside from an unremarkable Black Watch Mackintosh Coat for $795 (are you taking your meds correctly?), and a long and lean single tweed blazer, upon which the unfortunate name Harriet was bestowed, nada struck my fancy. What is this mess of a season? And, uh, excuse me, but is that a typo? $695 for a lace cami that will likely tear one night when you’re trying to yank it over your head in a rush of passion?
We get it, you want to be taken seriously, to have “Collection” pieces, be seen as both affordable yet still a provider of luxury. Pick a flavor and be on with it—no catalog should offer both an item with the word “Barn” in its descriptor and another labeled, “Harem.” What you need is an adequate supply of lithium carbonate to stabilize these mood swings.
Sequin harem pant $650, complete with drawstring and tapered bottom… sold out. What am I missing? Apparently everything. Because to me, these pantaloons might look lovely, on say, a jockey, but women want to be touchable, soft, approachable. You say yourself that “this month’s roundup is a treasure chest of tactile delights.” No one wants to brush up against sequin pants. They do no-body any good.
Martinete Feather Jacket $1200 – I think you mean Marionette Chicken. Wear it and you resemble both Fozzie Bear + Camilla the Chicken after a salon stylist betrayal. Or, more to the point, wearing it will make you look, um, less than sweet. You’ll look like a battered Muppet.
If you’re going to feature a Mongolian Lamb Stole at least show someone how to wear the thing. Throughout the September ’10 issue, the stylist has left the thing hanging, limp, as though the butcher wouldn’t take this particular slaughtered lamb, so you threw it over a shoulder like a continental soldier. It just hangs, untied, as if no one knew exactly where to place the thing. And it’s no wonder. It looks like Cher’s backpack from Clueless.
And whomever approved the look on page 032 titled “The Many Moods of Minnie” needs to be fired via email – explanation futile. Though the model is holding a nice glove in her pissed-off hand.
As for the wool bell skirt (below), I was sure there had been a mix-up. On the same page you feature a Buena Notte Bag, and I wrongly assumed the titles had been swapped. Your bell skirt looks alarmingly like an ad hoc paper bag I might dress my daughter in for Sukkot.
You’ve left us in despair, and for fall, the most luxurious of seasons with its rich colors, velvets, jewel tones, and tweeds. In short, you’ve taken a mighty fall this fall. I hope we might meet again come October when you’ve got your act together.
With love + woolen thigh-highs,
P.S. This isn’t really a letter, and damn you. I’ve been staring at this bag skirt ensemble for so long that I’m starting to dig it. I’m just a sucker for knee-socks.