found his trash stash, now what?

In ALL, DATING & MATING by Stephanie Klein50 Comments

QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER: My story is not long and complicated. I’ve been in a relationship for almost two years now. We moved in together about 3 months ago. He’s takes care of me, makes me feel loved. He’s funny and handsome and annoying and frustrating sometimes, but we have a good thing. He’s 30, I’m 28. Just a little background.

To cut to the chase- the other day, I found porn on his computer. Pictures. I wasn’t snooping. I was on there trying to view a dvd for a night class I’m taking, it didn’t work, I tried to look around to figure it out, and oops, a folder with 200+ naked chicks came up. Shit.

I was surprised. Shocked even. Not because I’m a prude, because I get it. Many guys are into the naked girl thing. Hell, even I don’t mind porn sometimes. At the bottom of it all, is obviously, my own issues with self esteem. The usual questions of “why does he need this fix if he has me?” ensued in my crazy brain. I’ve been analyzing this to death, as I’m won’t to do.
It’s exhausting.

He was away on business when I found it. We’ve talked about it briefly. He has assured me, that he loves me and this is no reflection on me, and he finds me attractive, etc. And I believe him.

Ultimately, this has just brought my shit more to light. I have to work through my stuff. I understand this is a guy thing, many do it, I get that. But. It doesn’t make me feel any more reassured, or any less uncomfy with myself.

A few months ago, we had a brief conversation about this stuff. I straight out asked if he’s into porn, he said not really. So, finding this stuff, kind of threw me for a loop, you know?

I don’t want him to feel like what he did was wrong. I get it (mostly). I don’t love it; it makes me feel not so great about me, but I understand this isn’t about me. My insecurities are my own shit; I need and want to work through it, ultimately to make me feel better, but as an added bonus, to help our relationship.

I could drive myself mad, looking at the dates and times he’s looked at these pictures. I don’t want to go there. I just want us to be honest with one another. To feel like our relationship is a safe place where he can tell me stuff like this. I’m just not exactly sure where to go from here. The good thing is, he’s willing to talk openly about this with me; he recognizes the weirdness for me with randomly finding this stuff. This isn’t a deal breaker, but I need to work through it, we need to work through it together.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this one, if you have the chance. Thank you!

Answer: Is here.

Comments

  1. I guess I’ll go first…is the porn bothering you or the fact that you asked him a few months ago if he was into it and he lied? Because I’d pick #2.

    I’ve never had a problem with a boyfriend being into porn if he was straight with me. But stumbling upon 200+ pictures after a ‘not really in it’. Yikes.

  2. Honestly, let it go. It’s not a big deal, not at all. And you say that you know that, then you talk about checking time stamps.

    You even admit that it’s brought up your issues. So if the issues are yours and nothing he can say can possibly placate you (even if he says I’ll never do it again, you’ll never believe him) then you need to seek out a therapist or someone who can help you work through this. Maybe a couples’ therapist so the two of you can work through it, if it’s that big of an issue to you.

    But really, guys are going to look at porn, they just are. They’re visual and we’re not always available or willing to put out. Women masturbate to erotic stories of fantasies on the silver screen and men use porn. It’s not a problem unless he starts asking you to bleach your ass or get cosmetic surgery or he tries to push you into really uncomfortable sexual positions (and I’m not talking about the back of a Volkswagon).

    You say you’re not a prude, but you’re kinda acting like one. I’ve been married for 12 years, with my hubby for 14 and I’ve known about his porn for approximately 13.75 of those years. We’ve discussed it and it doesn’t bother me. And it shouldn’t bother you. If it does, then you need to talk to someone who can help you navigate this issue. But don’t expect him to just stop and don’t force him into making promises you both know he won’t keep. It’s not fair.

  3. See – I think “into” is probably relative for boys. He probalby has friends who are so “into” it that they live and breathe it so comparitevly having a folder of images on his laptop – no biggie.

    Unless there are other trust issues, then I think you already have your answer – that you have some body issues that are requiring your attention. Period. Don’t talk relationship anatomy over this if there’s not been a “death”.

    1. …I assume from the writing you’re a woman. If not, gay porn is play and fantasy too. And interesting.

      The rest of your relationship sounds solid and healthy, so the “do you” question prolly just embarrassed him so he quickly copped out.

  4. Please ignore the spelling of p-rn – the spam filter wouldn’t let me post this comment with the word spelled correctly.

    When you ask a guy if he is into p-rn and he says, “not really” that actually means “yes, but I don’t want to admit it since I don’t want to fight about this.”

    I can’t really help you with your concerns, since I think it is normal for men to look at p-rn, and I would only be upset to discover that my husband was looking at a dating website like adultfriendfinder, child p-rn or hard core fetish p-rn. But normal p-rn, where two consenting adults have sex, doesn’t concern me. If it makes my husband happy and doesn’t hurt anyone else then I have more important things to worry about.

    And even if it did bother me, I don’t really know what can be done to stop it. I assume that if you forbid your partner from looking at p-rn he will simply do it when you aren’t around and delete the evidence from the computer.

  5. Give it straight? Okay. Porn is normal. Porn is good! I like that you say you don’t want him to think you feel he did something wrong. That’s really open minded of you considering that your discovery brought up some uncomfortable and insecure feelings. You’ve already reacted in a good, mature way by making that clear, so props to you.

    I think the best way to go about the conversation is total honesty. “Honey, yikes, the pictures made me feel insecure and kind of uncomfortable. I don’t want you to delete them or swear off porn, I think my reaction is my own stuff, and it’s complex. I really value being able to talk to you about my feelings about tough stuff.” Basically, right?

  6. I disagree with all of you. I think its crap. Two hundred + photos?? Nah. And especially since he said he wasn’t into it. And you keeping on saying its YOUR issue?? Nahhh again.

  7. Saying he’s “not really” into p0rn means that p0rn is okay, but nothing he’s going to spend time with on a regular basis. Being “Into” p0rn means you’re a regular viewer and you’ll spend money on websites or DVD’s, etc.. I wouldn’t say he lied.

    Men are visual. We all know this. If you think that daydreaming about you should be enough to fuel his masturbatory fantasies, then I think your expectations are a little far off.

    Looking at a picture or a video here and there is nothing like staying up late every night to watch p0rn. It’s not the same as choosing p0rn instead of sex with you.

    Your issues are your issues and you need to decide if you want to bring them into your relationship. Do you want him worrying that any fairly innocent gesture or comment will set you off on a self-esteem spiral? It shouldn’t be an issue, but you’ve made it one, so you need to figure out why.

  8. From a guy: If all he has is one folder with 200 pics, then he is pretty definitely “not really into porn” …

    1. Agreed. 200 pictures could have easily been accumulated over time anyway. If these are your issues, then stop making them his.

  9. Every single person can and will disasgree with me. P-orn is an addiction. It is. It can drive a wall between a couple. He starts thinking of someone else, or needs someone elses image to get him off? Thats not healthy. Its not about intimacy, its about ‘getting off’. Thats not cool.

    Plus, to have an entire folder of it? Not just a few websites here and there sometimes, but a whole folder? Thats not cool.

    Yes, men will look. Thats fine. But to have that much; thats not just a little sneak peek here and there. It doesnt lead to a healthy relationship.

    Stop beating yourself up about it, and saying its your issue. He has an addiction, and okay so you have low self esteem. Together thats going to mess you guys up. Talk about it, and stand firm. if you dont have a problem with it; then you wouldnt be discussing it or bringing it up. You’d say “hey baby, I found these, share them with me”.

    If you dont like it, stand by it. You deserve the best, and you need to decide if its something you’re okay with or not.

    1. Really have to disagree. Porn CAN be an addiction. Do we know how long it took him to compile the folder? He sees a photo that’s worth remembering and drags it into the folder. If it’s 200 in a week, maybe. 200 in a few years? I wouldn’t call that an addiction.

      Since they didn’t seem to have any problems with their relationship before, I have a hard time thinking that he has an addiction that’s driving a wedge between them.

  10. I agree with the first poster, I have a feeling that you are more upset about the fact that you know how that he lied then it is about the actual stash. Let’s be honest, almost all women probably want to believe that their man is different and that he is totally satisfied and would NEVER EVER want to check that kind of thing out. I’m not saying he isn’t satisfied but I think that maybe we take it too personally and make it all about us when we find out that maybe he is just like all the other guys in this regard. If you really think the issue needs to be addressed again I would point out that the lying got to you because that makes everything seem shady (if in fact you really don’t have a problem with the stash). And work on those issues.

  11. This may seem completely unrelated to your question, but you’re both at or close to 30. You’ve been together 2 years. You made no mention of future plans. Are there any? If so, are you both on board? If he’s very “let’s take it day to day” or “let’s not worry about the future,” I’d draw a direct line from that attitude to his 200+ image folder.

  12. See, I just don’t think that he lied, or that he’s “addicted to prn”. Come on. “Not that into prn” can mean a million things to a million different people. I’m willing to bet that if you surveyed 50 guys (who were honest about it), you’d find that 200 pictures in a computer folder is a drop in the bucket. Now, if they were pictures of women that he’d personally photographed? Then I’d be more concerned. But it sounds to me like an innocent, occasional thing.

    Now, this is not to say that you were wrong to feel upset. It’s a surprise finding something unexpected, especially when you were legitimately not snooping. But…dare I suggest that perhaps you are not very familiar with prn, and thus part of your discomfort may have been encountering something you consider shocking? I could be way off the mark here — but allow me to offer my personal experience.

    I had watched prn on the odd occasion, and never found much interesting about it, except for a slight fascination with the variation in genitalia (sheltered child). When I started dating my boyfriend, I found a folder of DVDs. I wasn’t surprised, given that he was open about watching them occasionally, but it still felt a little squicky. So I decided to see if my perspective were to blame for my shock — I grew up not even knowing about prn, and certainly felt like you — a bit insecure, a bit jealous, a bit affronted. Was this my fault? Not necessarily, but again, I chose to look at it as a learning experience.

    I started watching some videos, a small amount at a time, when he wasn’t around (not because I wanted the secrecy, I just wanted to see what my reactions were without the “pressure” of someone else wondering what I thought). At first, I was reeeeally uncomfortable. Then, over time (and we’re not talking about regular watching, or obsessive watching, just a gradual exposure over about a month), I found that *gasp* I actually liked some of it! Not all, mind you (and I quickly learned from friends both male and female that people have individual prn preferences just as they are attracted to different kinds of people), but some of it I found fun. I actually felt it supplemented my sex life, though clearly it will never become a central figure.

    I want to make it clear that my boyfriend never pushed me into this; it was my idea. But when I mentioned I was beginning to like prn, his jaw dropped. He loved that. And now it’s something we occasionally even watch together. He still has his own prn time, I’m sure (as do I on rare occasions), but it’s become an adjunct, another way to spice things up. And I never would have been able to do that had I not exposed myself to something that I had prejudgments about.

    Now, this is not to say that you will love prn. But I think perhaps it might be worth trying out. It’s safe to watch (obviously certain types of prn are not, such as child prn), and varied to cater to all tastes. And it can be a fun addition to your sex life.

    Lastly, I would caution against trying to get him to “stop”. He won’t. I wouldn’t view this as an addiction unless it regularly interferes with his daily life and functioning, or replaces sex with you, or otherwise negatively impacts him. If you guys have a healthy sex life and open lines of communication, prn is just not that big a deal.

    1. Can I just say you’re awesome! Sometimes I think the porn issue is so much about control rather than the sex at all. I love that you took your curiosity and empowered yourself so that the two of you can enjoy it together or alone. You’re just awesome!

  13. I guess for me, I just assume that my boyfriend looks at porn. I don’t need to ask him, and I don’t need to know. I don’t view it as him wanting something he can’t have, or me not being attractive enough. The boyfriend did nothing wrong, and you she said it herself, the issues are hers and have to do with her own insecurities and self-esteem. So I would recommend working on those issues together, and I would recommend that her boyfriend password-protect his computer.

  14. This is totally normal, and genuinely not a big deal. He sounds like he isn’t really into it compared to most guys–I hardly know a man who can use just still photos anymore, it’s always a hard drive full of videos…unless you just missed that in your snooping. Consider yourself lucky, and don’t ask him a question you already know the answer to.

  15. It seems like there are a number of issues here. As a female that watches and enjoys prn, I hardly think that 200 saved images is an addiction. Finding what turns you on amid the media mass can be tough. Saving things just provides easy access when you want a self-quickie. I wonder if the person owns a vibrator. I think men can be as intimidated by toys as women are of prn.

  16. I feel like the pieces of this story don’t slot easily into place. I don’t know why, but it’s like there’s a piece missing. I’m surprised it took you guys so long to have a conversation about porn, I would have thought that given that you’re open about it this would have come up as part of understanding each others sexuality.

    If you don’t mind porn that means you understand why he has it in his life because to be frank, sometimes you go to night classes.

    I think first check that you’re one hundred percent sure that

  17. sorry finger slip…

    be sure that you weren’t snooping, in any way, cause sometimes we do that stuff subconsciously, because if you were maybe there’s a trust issue and maybe the porn is uncovering a fear you have about him and you need to work through THAT.

    But if not, it was just wrong time, wrong place and you don’t want to make him feel bad then don’t. Leave it, buy a laptop. If you really thinks it’s your shit, don’t dump it on him. Get a therapist for a while and talk it out.

  18. I agree with sarahg, even though it isn’t the popular answer. Maybe most men do it, but if she is uncomfortable with it, if it makes her feel bad, she should go with her gut. Isn’t that what we always hear? Trust your gut instinct? It is degrading to women. It just is. It can easily become an addiction. I’ve seen it happen to many people. It ruins marriages. Those are facts. Does it make him a bad person? No. But the point needs to be made that if she is not comfortable with it, it doesn’t mean SHE has issues to work out.

    1. I think you’re right, but I don’t think the porn is the issue. If she felt it was degrading and it made her respect him less then that would make sense, but she ‘doesn’t mind’ it and ‘gets it’. If she thought his use was excessive or affecting their relationship, which she doesn’t say is the case, that would make sense; but she’s clear it makes her think she’s not good enough, which I think is her issue, although it’s one they could sort together.

      I don’t know where I stand on porn. I’m interested to read this comment, because I’ve never heard of it ruining relationships and maybe it’s the sort of thing that happens that people don’t talk about? Alcohol and gambling can easily become addictions to the right people but I’m not gonna freak out when my boy comes home pissed from race track today. Is it the secrecy? Is the comparison? Is it the fact that it’s harmful?

      1. I don’t think for a second that lying is the only issue here. I don’t even know that he was lying. She said it makes her feel not so great about herself. That’s the key. It most definitely ruins relationships because of the way it can make women feel, and because it can go too far. Anymore, everyone wants to give the answer that it’s fine, get over it, be more confident, deal with your problem … but I want women to know that having a problem with this, doesn’t mean you need to be more confident, or that you have a problem to work out. It is okay to NOT be okay with it. Educate yourself about the consequences that can be associated with this, and decide how to move forward. It’s okay to respect yourself and do what feels right to you.

        1. Thanks for your answer. Sorry to be a pedant
          but when you say it’s okay NOT to be okay, it seems as if
          you’re referring to the material itself. And I fully
          agree with this, but this writer says she doesn’t have a
          problem with it or do you think she’s fooling herself and her
          discomfort suggests otherwise?

          As for this being the popular answer I think the majority
          of people here are being honest and not wishing to follow
          a trend. This honesty probably comes from the fact
          it’s something they ‘appreciate’ themselves.

      2. @charlotte: I totally agree with you in that I don’t know where I stand on porn, intellectually at least. On the one hand I understand its appeal from a consumer’s standpoint; on the other hand I think it sucks that women have been coerced (for the most part) into thinking they have to accept their partner’s consumption of it, unquestioningly.

        Emotionally, I know exactly where I stand. I *personally* don’t want to know the answer, no matter how much I might tell you I do. And if the answer is YES, I WATCH PORN, I hope you have enough respect for my marked objection to at least do a good job of hiding it from me. Call me prude, I don’t care. Knowing the answer to a question that is going to upset me is like touching that painful tooth every two minutes: I know it hurts, I’m just verifying.

        But seriously, in this day and age, can’t we all just choose “private browsing” on our computers?

        1. Charlotte, it is in her comment about how the material makes her feel about herself. I am sure people here are being honest, but too often we send the wrong message. That is why I made the point that it is ok to NOT be ok with it. Some people are, some people aren’t.

          I agree with what Fembot said about women feeling like they must accept their partner’s consumption as if there is no other way. It is interesting to me though that while we are discussing the issue of honesty, you say you would not want honesty. Just goes to show everyone has their own views and opinions. Thanks for the discussion!

  19. I had a female friend recently who found her boyfriend’s p0rn collection. It came close to ruining their relationship. It wasn’t that he had p0rn… it was that he lied about it. Twice. Her problem is that he did such a good job of lying to her that now she doesn’t know the truth from him.

    The first thing I did, upon hearing that, was told my girlfriend that I have p0rn. A lot of it. It’s in my closet and it’s on my laptop. I never asked “was this okay with her?” because I didn’t want to have that discussion. I just told her “I have lots of p0rn, and I want you to know.”

    Our relationship is new and dynamic. I don’t think she cares about the p0rn. She might, at some point down the road, and if she does then we’ll revisit that issue. If she wants to see it, I’ll be happy to share it with her.

    Asking me to give up my p0rn is kinda like asking me to stop masturbating. Not. Gonna. Happen. Doesn’t mean I don’t love you, but I’ve done certain things for years now and I’m not going to stop.

    1. Lying is bad. Yes. But do we have to share every little torrid fantasy with our partner, surely we’re allowed to keep something to ourselves? So this guys ‘not really into it’ was his way of being honest without having to be explicit, seems cool, but I’d forgive someone for lying outright as long as they had the sense to cover their tracks (internet, when in the house alone, delete all trace from comp people)

      Women are lucky they can work a lot better with their imagination, but would they tell their man about their stash of mind porn?

      Well done for being confident enough to be honest!

  20. Oh. My. God. Get over it. This is a non-issue. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t even think of pictures as porn. I wouldn’t even consider what he told you to be a lie. If you say ‘porn’, I think videos of two (or more, I guess) people having sex. Your 30 year old boyfriend likes to look at pictures of naked girls? Congratulations, you’ve found yourself a straight 30 year old single man, who you seem to be perfectly happy with in all other respects, and also seems to love and care about you. Marry him.

  21. “Why does he need this fix if he has me?”
    How many different types of dessert are there? Would you be willing to stick to JUST ONE for the rest of your life?

    Men masturbate. Women masturbate. They are thinking about someone/ some act during the course of masturbation and often men use p0rn (hell women do too). It doesn’t sound like you found some extreme, shocking pictures on the computer, just that you were shocked to find pictures at all.

    Normally, I would wonder if he lied when he said he wasn’t into it, but at the same time, if he was really worried about you finding anything, why would he give you use of his computer where said p0rn is stashed if he wasn’t completely open? To me, it sounds like what someone else said: His response of “not really” meant “yes, but I don’t really want to talk about the details of what, how and when”.

    Since you already broached the subject and it doesn’t sound like he flew off the handle at you for spying or some other such nonsense, then work through your insecurities about your body with him. To me, it sounds like your issue is that you don’t feel like you look like the women in these photos. Maybe talking to him about more reassurance that he is attracted to you would help. That’s an issue I’m not really sure I know how to handle, except through communication. Best of luck!

  22. I am 35 and just want to chime in here on behalf of my social circle.

    Not all men feel the need to view porn.
    Not all men feel the need to masturbate.

    My friends and I may be in the minority but our wives are more than enough to sexually satisfy us. We are all happy & satisfied and come from the belief that any of those actions would be awfully disrespectful towards any woman in a committed relationship. At least this is how we were raised and this is how my sons will be raised.

    A real man does’t need porn.

    J

    1. THANK YOU J! It is not the popular answer, but thank you for being man enough to say it, and for acknowledging that it would be disrespectful towards women.

    2. Well said J. If only there were more men like you.
      I am amazed that in a day and age when women are supposed to be rising the ladders of respect and equality that we still kid ourselves into thinking that our natural aversion and uncomfortable reaction to our significant others porn stash is somehow OUR problem.
      Sweetheart, the reason you are feeling inadequate is quite simply because your boyfriend is masturbating to the thought of f*Cking other women. Plain and simple. Those perfect tits, that pink little pussy, a rounder firmer ass. The list goes on. They are getting him off. None of them yours. He’s absolutely right when he says it has nothing to do with you. You’re not feeling bad because you’ve been too “sheltered”. You’re feeling bad because it feels bad to have the man you love ejaculating to other women.
      If a woman entered an elevator with your guy and stood naked touching herself while he jacked off, you would reasonably sound the siren of “It’s over.” And nobody would call you crazy.
      But simply add a filmy computer screen? Oh yes, that is supposedly “healthy” and “normal”, and now it is your problem! Is this insanity or what?
      The reality is that there is literally an actual woman out there selling herself (and you) out for money (not to mention the litany of personal issues she herself probably has as a porn star). And your boyfriend is buying. The pictures are of real people. And the fact that it is filtered through cyberspace is no different, regardless of the progressive hype about porn being so normal. It isn’t. It is understandable. Men are visual, absolutely. And I like donuts…but I don’t need to eat the entire bakery and try to pass that off as normal behavior.
      It’s ironic that as obsessive as our society is getting about organic food (i.e. eating food in it’s most natural state), so many of us are learning and experiencing sexual intimacy in completely NON-intimate, isolated fashions: jacking off in front of a computer screen. You call that natural and healthy?
      You are NOT the one with the problem, despite what others may say. We can kid ourselves all we want into thinking that our gut instinct must be wrong, but it isn’t.
      Your boyfriend should have eyes for you, and you only. It wouldn’t hurt him to learn a little self control for the betterment of a committed relationship and a more happily secured woman. You’re worth it.

  23. I can’t even pretend to understand the no-porn-if-you’re-in-a-relationship attitude. What, should girls who have boyfriends not be allowed to watch romantic comedies either? Because really, you should be getting everything you need, romance-wise, from your partner. And knowing how much you love watching Matthew McConaughey make wild romantic gestures, topless no less, might make your boyfriend kind of insecure.
    No, I just don’t get it..

  24. Here’s what confuses me – why he has over 200 photos saved on his hard drive when he could just go to a multitude of free video pr0n sites, get his two minute thrill and be done with it.

  25. Holy shit Rachel! Wow! I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for 12. We do not need p0rn in our relationship. Very happy, healthy relationship. Maybe we’re just “old” (I’ll be 38 this year) but it has not been part of my required lifestyle and as a mother of two little girls (8 and 10), I particularly find the sexualization of women frightening. If I found p0rn on his computer I’d kick his freaking @ss. I don’t want in in my house, around my children, period. I don’t feel that we have to accept it as part of our culture, and having two brothers, trust me, I get that men are visual and probably most men would enjoy it. But that doesn’t mean it’s required and that I have to allow it in my relationship and house. I have checked out internet p0rn out of curiousity and I think some of that shit is beyond degrading. I think it’s teaching men that all women want you to ejaculate on their faces and have anal sex as the norm. And if your man gets bored because you don’t want to do those things every night, we’re just supposed to go let them watch p0rn? I don’t believe that it’s helping foster healhty REAL relationships, and that bothers me. Young teenage boys are going to be so let down by what real womens’ bodies look like that they can only be satisfied with visual BS? I don’t like where this is going.

    I love you J and Rachel.

    Not being ok with p0rn doesn’t necessarily mean that you have issues. I suppose in a child-free home, if it’s something that two people both want and are ok with, whatever. I just don’t buy that we have to accept it and that we are insecure for not wanting it around.

    1. @jeninco, your comment is ridiculous with capital “R”.

      First, I will give you that he shouldn’t watch them with the 8yo girl or the 10yo. BUT anything beyond that are all out of whack.

      So, you would kick your husband’s ass if he, on his own time alone, jerked off while watching some porn??? And it’s not “allowed” in “YOUR” house? Is he allowed to jerk off while on business trip at a hotel watching pay per view?

      Just b/c you find it – whatever that “it” might be porn gambling etc – bothersome or beyond degrading doesn’t make it problem/abnormal/unhealthy. Now, if porn is interfering with his normal routine including the sex life between you two, then ok he might have a problem. BTW, as others mentioned already, having some 200+ images in a folder is certainly not abnormal by a long shot.

  26. Dude, do you have children? Do you know how much 8 and 10 year olds USE computers? And no I try not to allow them free-range on them, but I can’t be there over their shoulders 24/7.

    If it’s on there, there is a HIGH probability that they will find it. Because kids are inquisitive.

    And that trumps all else. So damn skippy-that stuff better not show up in my house. Period.

    There is a HUGE responsibility to owning porn that I’d guess most aren’t up to taking on. By that I mean keeping it away from children. I don’t want my kids seeing fake ass bodies and thinking that’s the norm. I don’t want their ideas of sexuality to come out of fabricated BS. That’s my right as a parent.

    Call it ridiculous all you want, aint hurting my feelings none. I don’t think someone paying people for sex should be telling ME what is ridiculous.

  27. I didn’t mean that quite as bitchy as it came off. I’m assuming you aren’t a father, I’m guessing you aren’t married.

    Whole different way of life is all I’m saying.

    Didn’t mean to sound quite so judgemental-the things that you were talking about IMO, are completely inappropriate for my kind of lifestyle.

    I have never met a woman in a committed relationship, particularly one with children, who is ok with her S.O. paying ANYONE for sex of any kind.

    1. OK, so you think your 8 and 10yo is inquisitive and computer literate enough where it’s HIGH probability that they will find some pictures in a folder on your husband’s computer but not porn from internet? Now that’s ridiculous. You should pro-actively teach your kids about “fake ass bodies and the idea of sexuality” so their idea doesn’t come out of fabricated BS b/c they will find porn on their own even if they didn’t want to b/c it’s everywhere unless you were hardcore amish which you are clearly not. Banning your husband from saving some porn in his computer amounts to sticking your head in the sand.

      And I don’t know where you got the idea that I paid for sex of any kind unless you consider a lap dance from a strip club or paying for dinner and/or drinks then getting laid afterwards as one. And regardless of whether I did pay someone for sex of any kind, “your comment” was still ridiculous.

    2. So what are you going to do if your husband did save some porn in his computer despite your stern warning? What if he says “You can kick my ass all you want I’m gonna keep my porn in my computer”? Are you gonna send him to a porn addiction therapy? Are you gonna divorce him? Can he start saving porn in 2020 since 8yo will be 18 by then?

  28. Jeninco – I love you right back, and am curious like you to know the relationship details behind everyone commenting. I think you’re spot on saying Adam isn’t married, and doesn’t have kids. Could be wrong though. It would be interesting to see who is married/in long term committed relationships and for how long, etc. in order to see how the opinions divide down the line. I’m not really that interested in the opinion of some porn loving girl-advocate with daddy issues who can’t get her boyfriend to ever commit telling me what is healthy and normal about porn viewing. In my opinion women are desperate to convince themselves its okay and healthy because if they don’t then they have some issues and reality to face in their own relationships. It’s much easier to convince yourself that your initial hurt and reaction are incorrect rather than to accept the fact that you and your partner might have remarkably different standards and values that needs some serious addressing.

    For the record – I’m happily married with daughters. Happy husband, happy life, happy sex life. No porn. I wouldn’t hate my husband, or find him hideously abnormal for finding it appealing – but we have both agreed it’s not something needed or necessary in our relationship. We think it is a measure of protection of the complete fidelity of our marriage to stay out of that junk. As shocking as it seems, we like boning each other enough. ha! :) Imagine that?!! I’m a lucky girl.
    Thank goodness.

    And I only take advice from people whose lives I’d actually like to emulate…so Adam, I think we’re okay having completely different opinions on the subject. I’m assuming our lives are nothing the same either, and once again – thank goodness.

  29. I urge everybody in this discussion to read Porn again christian by Mark Driscoll. You can download it for free. This man has an awesome way with words. He hits the nail on the head. Even though I know it is morally wrong, I have watched some porn. But, after reading About some of the evils that go along with the industry of porn, I HATE IT!!! There is an interview with Ted Bundy, one of the most notorious serial killers, that is down right scary! God help us. Wake up people God is fixing to squash all of the evil of this world. There is a spiritual battle happening as we speak between good and evil. Another good read is 23 Minutes in Hell by Bill Weise.

  30. It is just a bunch of n@ked women…Who cares. It is his to enjoy. That doesn’t mean he loves you any less, it just means he is not out with the real women. For some reason women want to know too much about their men. That makes most men withdraw and then feel what they are doing is wrong. I am sure many women drive their men “underground” by sticking their noses in where it does not belong.

    There is nothing wrong with looking at pictures of n@ked women. In fact, I would say any man who does NOT look at pictures of n@ked women is UNHEALTHY. It is completely normal and healthy for men to want to look at n@ked women.

    Leave your man alone and let him enjoy his n@ked women thing. That is all his, you will never understand it completely and you will never be part of it. Just accept it as part of him being a man, and part of who he is as the man you love.

    You never know, he may be able to increase his “game” in the bedroom by learning a few things from the internet.

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