the bowdabra b(l)ow job

This post is about packages. The kind you give and the kind you receive. The one for which you sometimes buy silk boxers, mostly out of guilt after purchasing one thing too many on an "I’m just browsing" day. So, look away if you think this post is about crafting.

Yes, the ridiculousness of The Bowdabra warrants its own post. The professional bow making tool comes with its own instructional DVD, offering 12 bow option tutorials. Me, being who I am, I couldn’t help but think that some of these bow titles could double as suggested b(l)ow techniques and sexual positions.

blowdabra

The Party Favor
This immediately brought to mind "The Goody Bag." If you ask me, this b(l)ow would involve a rocking motion to the sack with a surprise ending up in the crack.

The Dove Tail
Back door entry with a chocolate mint kiss to wrap things up at the end.

The Scrunchy Bow
*Here* is where things get personal. This technique comes round when dysfunctional dieter is feeling her best. Because the move takes self-esteem. There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to blurt it out (skip ahead if you’re squeamish; look away if you’re a family member, or a lady from the country club): this move involves giving a blowjob with your vagina. Straddle him, feet on the ground, frog-like, then do squats. Up and down so he can watch. Hopefully he’s just looking at his manbone and not the scrunch of your squishy parts… for once I’ll leave something to the imagination.

Double Fold and Twist
Is it just me or does that F just jump a word or two? How after reading the above don’t you go straight to Double Fist? That’s right. It’s code for the Double Fist never gets Old. I better go lie down. I’m a whack job.

Package Bow
This one is for beginners. The package b(l)ow is your most basic move. Most ladies, for whatever reason, reserve this bow for Birthdays. Then their men complain to friends about the once-a-year Package Bow. You need to abra-bowdabra that situation right quick.

9 Responses to “the bowdabra b(l)ow job”

  1. cali Says:

    omg! love it! i’m going to have to work on these…

    Reply

  2. Jen Says:

    I love it… and your mind. You’re not the only one who associates things like this!

    Reply

  3. Jodie Kash Says:

    Do you need to get laid?

    Reply

  4. Sarah Says:

    fucking funny.
    if not a little inappropriate for work.

    Reply

  5. Rayna Says:

    Stephanie, please post more sex tip type posts. I feel funny asking friends this kind of info and find the self-help books very… antiquated/ hokey. You say it real, honest, and raw. It’s post like these that keep me coming back!

    Reply

  6. Adam Says:

    Now THAT is the woman I know and LOVE. (No offense “Suitor”)

    Reply

  7. Diana Says:

    Wouldn’t it be tragic if Cohen were to trip and fall head first on the pillow right before that racquet came SLAMMING down?

    Reply

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