advice: I’ve caught him in a lie, now what?

In ALL, BREAKUPS & BREAKTHROUGHS, DATING & MATING, STRAIGHT UP ADVICE by Stephanie Klein40 Comments

QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER: Ok, so I have a boyfriend, and we’ve been together for about 8 months now. We worked together before we started dating for about 6 months. We started dating August 1st and moved in together August 7th. It is weird because we were always friends but then something just clicked and it was the right time for both of us.

Everything was perfect and rosy; we were inseparable. Just one problem: he is constantly traveling for work. He travels every weekend in an industry that I have worked in and seen first hand the infidelity and what not that goes on. He always talks about how he would never cheat on me and that I’m the one. I want to trust him but he was such a player before we started dating (well, I am his first serious girlfriend since high school). He says he was just waiting for the right one and he is a self proclaimed workaholic that he never cared to try and make any relationship before me work.

I am trying not to judge him because I was no angel myself, but it is hard when I question some of his morals due to past occurrences (I know I shouldn’t judge).

During the week when he is home things are great, but as soon as he leaves, I start to feel insecure and needy. I HATE IT!!! Now, granted, it is hard because he says he will call at a certain time and then doesn’t and is always busy. A few times when he has come home I have looked at his phone (really bad I know) and found information that would lead to the fact that he was not, for example, in bed when he said he was; instead he was at the bar. I don’t think he would cheat on me, but why not be honest about what he is doing? Is it a guy thing where they need to feel single or something?

He travels with a group of 8 guys on his team every weekend (NASCAR) some married, some single. If I tell him I am at home, that is because I AM!! I would never think of not calling him, but I guess that is just me. How do I talk to him about the lies before they possibly turn into bigger ones? I hate that it makes me neurotic (and I know that is my own problem), but I don’t want to have to check up on him all the time. A lot of my insecurities come from past relationships, and I know it isn’t fair to bring them into a new relationship, but I do. Please help!
straight up advice
Before I take a smack + crack at answering this (and I will), I’ll let others weigh in with their own words of wisdom. Floor’s all yours…

My advice, as promised: Let’s start here with this telling statement: "I am trying not to judge him because I was no angel myself."

So often the reason we mistrust others is because we don’t trust ourselves. Read that sentence again. We project our shit. We know how devious we’re capable of being, know how we’ve behaved in a certain Stays In Vegas environment, so it’s our next logical step, that others will behave as we have.

That said, it’s usually those whose knee-jerk response is jealousy or mistrust who you should really watch out for. It’s not always an insecurity wheeled off the failed relationship conveyor belt. How much of this scenario is you trying to deal with you?

Bear with me here, but it’s similar to parenting in a way. As a parent, you want your children to know they can’t pull the wool over your eyes so fast because you, too, were once their age. "I don’t just know that trick, kid; I invented it."

It feels easier to suspect and assume than it does to believe and trust because we don’t want to be played for a fool. But at the end of the day, if someone wants to cheat, they’re gonna find a way to do it. And no amount of control and access to information, or rules about where he can and can’t go, will change it. In fact, as soon as you begin to suspect things, a certain Chicken Egg cycle can emerge.

By Sherlocking the shit out of your relationship you can drive someone to want to hide things from you. Even small things, to avoid an argument. Lying by omission. Because it’s just easier, and he doesn’t have the energy to deal, or just wants to have a nice night and is tired of quelling your fears; he has reassurance exhaustion.

And once you "catch" the chicken at his game it only confirms to you that he’s not being 100% forthcoming, and if he can’t be honest about this trivial thing, what else might he be hiding? Like I said, Chicken Egg.

Personally, I feel like I’ve actually been the Mayor of Needytownship, once upon a time. And to hear people say "follow your gut," I completely understand their intention, and absolutely believe in intuition, but what happens when your gut is wrong? When your gut is you getting in the way of you? When your gut is a whole clusterfcuk of insecurity and projection.

Here is what I know from being this same insecure, sherlocking woman as you are who’s also had the "benefit" of being in two very different scenarios: 1) with a man who intensified these insecurities 2) with a man who alleviated them. Wanna guess which scenario is a helluva lot more fun? And this is where gut comes in. I still had the knee-jerk reaction of assumptions and a mild distrust with contestant numero dos, but overall, I knew, deep in my gut, that it was my shit. That he adored me and wouldn’t risk losing me. And no amount of talking it through with him can talk you into that feeling. It’s either there or it’s not. And if it’s not, you move forward without him. Whether or not he was lying or cheating isn’t even the point. If you don’t feel in the deepest part of you that he would never, ever, risk losing you, that you’re the best thing since sliced brioche, then you need to move it or lose it, sister. 

All that said, and back to this parenting gig, if you were my daughter, and I wanted to save you from what I’ve been through, and you were willing to listen, I’d tell you that you need to move out, and plan to live in a space that’s your own until you’re married. That move alone will save you years of pain and anxiety. I know it well, that desire to be family, to share every moment, to be an us. I just happen to believe you can have that without giving up your apartment (until you’re married). Sadly, I genuinely, from my gut, know you won’t take this advice. Because it will feel too hard. It brings up too many fears for you. You’re not going to listen, until, I know this too, you’ll one day look back at this and say, she was right, why didn’t I listen?

As for the guy, I’d personally be straight up about it. Come clean. Clear the air. No anger at yourself or with him. Tell him you want your relationship to be safe, for both of you. That you might have inadvertently "punished" him in the past, but that’s not who you want to be. You want a safe environment that promotes honesty. Bottom line, I’d tell him, I know myself well enough to know that I NEED to be with a man who will tell me what I don’t necessarily want to hear, even if it’s easier to just say nothing. And you’ll have to work on breathing through those knee-jerk reactions and try to just listen.

go ahead, ask

GOT QUESTIONS? NEED ADVICE? If you have questions or need advice on anything from where to eat to how to get over the bastard, just email your question to my advice email address. Nope, I’m not a shrink, but since people keep asking for my opinion, I might as well share it and air it, so everyone else can weigh in too.

Comments

  1. Two thoughts:

    1. “I am trying not to judge him because I was no angel myself, but it is hard when I question some of his morals due to past occurrences (I know I shouldn’t judge).”

    The thing about morals is that they can evolve. If you’ve said you’re his first serious gf since high school, you don’t really have a precedent to look at how he treated past gfs, and I don’t think you should take his behavior when he was “single” as an indication. Because it’s a totally different thing.

    2. Personally I’d give him the benefit of the doubt about not calling when he says he will. Again, if you’re the first serious adult gf, it takes getting used to reporting back to someone where you are. I know personally with friends and family I forget to call when I said I would, or I’ll say I’m home already because I know I *should* be. It doesn’t mean I’m inherently dishonest or trying to hide something, some people just suck at these things. It sounds like he’s trying to project to you that he’s being well-behaved, going to sleep early, etc to ease your mind, when in reality he wants to stay out at the bar late with his friends sometimes. I think it would be dangerous to assume more about the situation.

  2. I’m sure Stephanie and some other readers will have sterling advice for you – none from me. What bugs me about your post is how apologetic you sound. It’s all your problem – your insecurities, your neuroses, your neediness. Fact is, he’s travelling a lot, he’s not being 100% honest, he has a past. How you guys work this is out is another story, but you need to own it. There is nothing wrong with having some concerns!

  3. This is not a good scenario (listen to yourself). Regardless of what he is doing, it sounds like he brings out the worst in you … this is not heading in a good direction. Move on.

  4. I’ve been through a situation similar to this, on two different occasions. The first time it was with someone who was indeed cheating on me, and I spent a year of my life in paranoia and developing neuroses. He was lying the entire time, and cheated on me from start to finish. In the second situation, I was insecure based on my previous relationship and was mistrusting and neurotic and the thoughts in my head sounded a lot like you’re sounding. This time, though, he and I talked about my issues, and he told me he would always be honest, no matter what, and that I just had to believe him. My previous boyfriend had said similar things, but for some reason they never rang true with me. The fact is, we can’t ever KNOW that someone is worth trusting. There is a point when you just have to make the decision to trust someone you love and then never look back. That’s what I did, the second time, and now I’m happier and more secure in my relationship than I’ve ever been. I know I’m making it sound more simple than it is, but if you worry about it and make it more complicated, you will drive yourself crazy. Talk to him about your concerns, and if it’s still too much for you to get through the day, then chances are your instincts are telling you that you can’t trust him. But in the end, it’s about deciding what’s worth it. I really hope he’s worth your trust and you can get through this together. Good luck!

  5. The bulk of your story doesn’t really matter, no background is needed. Here’s what I do know- a cheater is a cheater. A non cheater is a non cheater. There is literally nothing you can do, ever, to keep a cheater from cheating because everyone has free will and it’s just not possible to be around someone all the time. If they want to, they will. And there are non cheaters in this world who will never cheat regardless of the situation because the core of who they are tells them that it is wrong.

    You have two choices, you can continue to make yourself sick over it and waste a buttload of energy trying to prevent something that may or may not occur whatever your actions are or you can just trust him and enjoy the relationship. Because what you have now is not great and it’s not a relationship, without trust there is nothing but unhappiness.

    For the reasons that he isn’t telling the truth about everything, it’s possible that he IS lying which is a bad sign but it’s also possible that you are looking at texts which you don’t know the bulk of the situation behind and misinterpreting. Unless a tidbit of a one sided conversation says “i can’t wait to have you on my c*ck later” you can always misinterpret things.

    My advice: tell him how you are feeling. That because of your experiences in the past you are having trouble trusting him because of what’s going on on the weekends and anytime he doesn’t do what he says he will (like not calling) worries you. Say that you will work on it and that you would love it if he could stay in better touch. If he’s willing to discuss this open and honestly, you have a keeper. If he just gets defensive and acts like an infant then he’s still not ready for a relationship and it’s probably better to find out now.

  6. Guys need to feel single? You my friend need to wake up and smell the self esteem.

  7. 1- You used to work in NASCAR?
    2- It is both of your fault. He needs to be a man and honest and you need to give(and be able to give) him space.
    3- You used to work in NASCAR?

  8. I used to date a guy who had two phones. I quickly learned that is a red flag. Get your own place and your own life. Use Stephanie’s “Pair and a spare” advice. Good luck.

  9. Advice- Get knocked up and squeeze him for everything he’s got. That’ll teach him to lie.

  10. I always defer to honesty. be honest and communicate. If someone’s gonna lie and cheat they are gonna do so w/o your wonderfulness.

  11. When it comes to advice it is very clear. Follow your gut. Never feel ashamed or bashful about confronting a relationship with concerns. You will be doing yourself a disservice. Good luck.

  12. That fact that you believe talking with him about it will make his lies not turn to bigger ones is shocking. Get a houseplant. Ditch the guy.

  13. What is shocking is this guilty before spoken with demeanor. Maybe he he isn’t lying? Is that an option?

  14. From a guy’s point of view I say he’s taking you for granted. You don’t provide some thing he desires. maybe it is being single, freedom, someone he doesn’t need to be close with to be intimate with, sex not love.

    Or maybe he’s a dick.

    1. Well said.

      You should not be feeling this way period. If you suspect he is cheating walk. If you are just paranoid that he is cheating you still need to walk, and work on your self esteem a bit.

      I cannot tell you how well I have learned those lessons from 2 guys in my past.

  15. Sleep with his best friend, brother, step father, boss. How do you like them apples?!

  16. Is it possible he wasn’t lying to you? Or is even asking that question inferring you are a needy bitch? Confront him and if you are not satisfied with not only his answer but more importantly his solution for not wanting you to feel like that then pee in his shampoo and move in with someone else on the pit crew.

  17. Simple, no long ass advice needed for this sort of thing. If he’ll lie about something small he’ll lie about something big. END OF. And it’s more than once too, so really, what more is there to know?

    Ditch this now before you invest (read: PISS AWAY VALUABLE TIME) more here and it’ll be easier. You’re a woman with stuff to offer not a charity case who should accept scraps. I say this b/c we all have something to offer we will eventually stumble on that person who recognizes it.

    It sounds to me you already know this but just need to hear it again. Trust your gut, you were already right.

    Ps- SK did not coin the ‘Pair and a Spare’ term, to a comment above. I read it in a book years ago called ‘How to Date Like a Man’ A very funny and useful book btw:) Pair and a spare it not bad advice though..and whoever said get knocked up I hope you were joking.

  18. Run. Pack up your things, walk out the door, and do not look back. This has disaster written all over it. You are feeling needy and insecure for a reason. That is your intuition telling you that something is not right. Listen to it girl. Save yourself the heartache and move on. Life is too short.

  19. You moved in together after a week? No, six days?

    And you check his phone on the sly?

    And you haven’t actually caught him any lies, just simply imaginating and creating them in your own way-too-much-time-on-your-hands head?

    Yeah, I vote houseplant (maybe a hobby). And a pair of self esteem lady balls.

  20. Best advice….RUN!…..run away from this as fast as your feet will carry you because it will only get worse…(the sispicions)….& you will end up depleted & never able to recognize an HONEST man when he comes along….TRUST me…I’ve been there.
    Best advice I ever received….& from a MAN was this:
    Don’y pat attention to what he says….pay close attention to what he DOES….then you will know the truth.
    TRANSPARENCY in his ACTIONS are the key.
    Good luck!

  21. I can sum up 11 years of adult dating with this: if you have these insecurities and anguish already, this isn’t the right relationship. You may want it to be the right relationship, and it may feel like it is right now; however, once you find the right man, you realize how easy it is. That doesn’t mean you’ll live happily ever after and there aren’t problems, but it does mean you’re with someone with whom you can have an honest conversation. It means he won’t lie about being at a bar, instead of in bed. It means you won’t feel the need to check his phone, email, etc because you KNOW there is nothing to hide. It means all your neuroses will not overwhelm your relationship.

    This is something I finally realized when I started dating, and eventually married, my now-husband. All your angst early on is not a good starting point.

  22. One piece of advice I will always remember: character issues are the difference between a life sentence and a life of blessing. Choose your mate wisely.

  23. Seems like you are learning other valuable information besides the lying/character stuff. You would prefer to have a boyfriend who is on the same work schedule as you. There is nothing wrong with that, and it is darned hard to build a relationship when you have different down time.

    Yeah you gotta be able to trust your guy, but you gotta be able to see him also. Who wants to spend every date night alone, go to every couples event alone? Some of your “neurosis” is just plain loneliness.

    The cheating problem can’t be talked out. I am watching a friend go through it and even with the PI evidence, the lies sound so real.

    So get a new apartment and the get a new boyfriend. Maybe you might date a little more than a week before you move in next time.

  24. What you’re doing right now? All the speculating? This is what ruins any kind of relationship whether it be romantic, friendship or family.

    The constant cycle of speculation some people do to entertain their minds and fill up their days is destructive.

    I wonder if this is a pattern in your life? Be honest. Do you notice that? Are you always creating “Drama” in your relationships? Always looking for something to be wrong? Always trying to get to the bottom of it?

    Here’s the facts you’ve given us — he travels for work with a group of men in a sports related industry (although I can barely call Nascar a sport).

    He tells you he’s going to bed when he’s really at a bar.

    Well, let’s take those two facts you’ve given us and deal with them.

    Number one, I’m sure hanging out at the bar with his co-workers is probably quasi-part of his job. I’m sure there are some nights he’d rather go chill in his room and watch a movie, but instead gets talked into having a few drinks with the guys. These things happens. Doesn’t mean he’s banging co-eds in the closet.

    Have you considered that he wants you to think and believe that he’s being a good boy by telling you he’s in bed instead of at a bar? Perhaps he knows you’re a bit emotional and suspicious and you speculate and doesn’t want to give you any fuel for the fire. He could be trying to protect you from yourself by not telling you he’s out in a normal social situation that would threaten you.

    I mean, it doesn’t excuse lying, but I have on occasion told my extended family or a friend I was home sick when I was really just home doing nothing to avoid spending time with them. I’ve told people I was in a relationship that I had to stay late at work when I instead snuck off to go to a movie. That doesn’t make Satan.

    I also know telling a romantic partner that I spent the night with my friends at a bar has the potential to make her freak out if she’s not secure.

    Which, I believe, is the problem here. You’re insecure.

    When you are spying on him by going into his phone have you found any evidence that he is talking to other women? If no, then how do you know he’s cheating on you?

    Is it just because he goes to a bar with his co-workers and doesn’t tell you about it? For some women that might be enough, but I’m realistic. We’re human and make mistakes and telling a lie that he’s going to bed when he is instead at a bar isn’t all that awful unless he’s at a bar picking up women…which you don’t seem to know if he’s doing.

    I see it from your angle and I understand where you’re coming from. Clearly you need to know if he’s cheating on you and you’re going to push this to a confrontation that is going to reveal to him that you have gone into his phone and have doubts about him. Although, I’m pretty sure he already knows you have doubts in his character. Guys are dumb, but they are perceptive at times.

    That said, this is not going to end well at all. This relationship is already toast.

    I’m not telling you that you’re wrong to have doubts. You’re not. But you also could be wrong and if you really want to save this relationship you have to be very careful with how you choose to deal with your questions about him.

    Just do yourself a fave and take a look at yourself and recognize if this kind of speculation/behavior is something you do often in relationships. Is this a pattern? If it is, I suggest working on ending that pattern before looking for love.

    1. a guy,
      your perception is on point! When going through his phone I have never found any information that would make me think he is cheating (only went through it once and have sworn to never again). He is upfront with everyone that we are together, that we live together and that he has finally found “the one”. I know that this is a pattern for me and in other relationships I have always been proven correct that the others were cheating or being unfaithful. You make lots of good points about him knowing that I am emotional and he may be protecting me. We do talk about my sometimes feeling emotional and he is always very supportive and understanding and agrees that this is his first real relationship and may not always be good at it. I know that I have way too much time to think and i tend to make up situations in my head that are completly fabricated. I take full responsibility for my insecurities and am working on them. I know the last things guys like and likewise with women are feeling their partners are too needy.

      It is not a regular occurance that I worry it is just at certain times and I think i need to look at those situations. I just fear that small lies can turn into big ones and I don’t want to have any secrets between us. I do 100% believe that he would never cheat on me. I feel like I am going to sabatoge things that could be easily fixed.

      Thanks for you opinion and advice always like to hear from a male’s point of view as well!

      1. I don’t want to defend lying any more than I already have. The fact of life is, we all lie. We lie about our weight. What we had for dinner. How we feel about gifts. To the insurance company. You get my drift.

        We also lie to spin situations. Sometimes for nefarious reasons. Sometimes just to save us the headache.

        I don’t know why he is telling you he’s going to bed when he’s going out. Obviously, there’s a reason he doesn’t want you to know.

        I know in my situation I’ve been away on business and I’ve told my significant other I was probably going to do nothing and stay in tonight because I wanted her to feel that I wasn’t off having a party without her. In my case, it was to spare feelings. When you’re thousands of miles away from someone, the last thing you want them to think is you are having more fun without them.

        This dude could be cheating on you, but you don’t have any evidence of this at this point. If you really love the guy, I’d work on communicating and getting things to the point where he wouldn’t lie in this kind of situation.

        But expecting someone to never lie about anything is about as pollyanna as you can get. I’m not talking about big “I’m sleeping with your sister” lies, I’m talking about lies we all make for various reasons in our lives.

        If you talk to him about this, I would be honest about what you saw in his phone. It’s obviously bothering you so get it out in the open.

        The woman I’m currently in a relationship with started dialing numbers she didn’t recognize in my cell phone one night when I was asleep to see if women answered. The next morning I had about 10 messages from friends wondering why I called and hung up on them at 2 in the morning. That could have been a relationship deal breaker, but I was in love with her and we dealt with why she felt the need to do that so early in the relationship and we’ve never had a problem since.

  25. Food for thought — he might be lying about being in bed when he is actually at a bar because you are suspicious and he doesn’t want to deal with the consequences of your reaction if he tells you he didn’t call because he was out drinking until 4 a.m. I’m not saying it’s acceptable, but it’s my hunch.

  26. Lady,take this advice like a man, no matter who comes into your life, you’ll always be Elin Nordgrening his cell phones, maybe with good reason, who knows,you’ll never know…

    You write that you ‘would never think of not calling him’, are you afraid he’ll get lost on his way home from school? Allow the man to, breathe, you’re suffocating him like a 1 and a half.

    The reason you were given a cha cha was so that you could use it, now go out and use it, before you have to give it back to the manufacturer.

    Work on your self esteem issues, it sounds like you got more problems then an unemployed porn star on crack.

  27. Like many have said before me, you can’t have a good relationship without trust. But you can’t have trust without communication. If you don’t bring up concerns now, they will just grow into something that could have been prevented in the first place. You remind me a lot of how I used to be. Back in the day when I would always take the blame for any situation. I’d give the guy every excuse, justify his actions for him – anything to avoid conflict. There were so many things I wished I could say, but I always feared rejection, loneliness, the inevitably moment when he would get mad, realize that I wasn’t worth the effort and run away. And guess what – it happened regardless. There were actually instances when the guy dumped me because I wouldn’t tell him when things bothered me! A relationship without communication is doomed from the beginning.

    I whole heartedly believe that the only way to ease your mind is to talk to him. Like another person said before me, if he listens and is willing to work with you on these issues… then he really loves you. If he gets defensive and mad and doesn’t want to work on making things better in your relationship… then he doesn’t. that’s not love. i hope things work out for the best – but that doesn’t always mean having this particular relationship work. because it seems like you have things to work out in your own life, about yourself. if he is willing to be there for you and help you do that, great. if not, then it’ll be impossible for you to grow and become the person you want to be.

  28. Someone already said it but it needs to be repeated: Follow your gut. You shouldn’t feel awful, guilty or neurotic when in love with someone. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard or that you won’t have your moments but living with that constant worry cannot be easy. I would just man up and ask. You’ll know what to do from his answer.

  29. if it rings true, it probably is.
    if it doesn’t, it probably isn’t.

    we all know how to listen to our instincts. it’s the *doing something about it* that’s hard.

    but it’s A LOT lot harder when you don’t. A LOT.

    seconding (or 3rding) the motion for a houseplant with a side order of self-esteem.

  30. I married a liar. He’s the most wonderful man I could ever ask for, and he is the love of my life, but he lies. He lies and isn’t even aware of it…mostly about stupid things. It’s almost an automatic response anytime he feels threatened or backed into a corner. It’s self preservation. I used to let the white lies go because they were harmless.
    However, about 2 yrs ago, he lied about a big thing. He lied about finances and it was devastating on so many levels. Suddenly his lies weren’t harmless anymore. And his apologies meant nothing. He went into therapy to figure it all out. But, I began a crusade against him. It became my mission in life to call him out on every lie. I checked his phone…his e-mail…EVERYTHING. I punished him every day. And we fought constantly. I couldn’t forgive the lying because he was still doing it! And then I finally took a step back and realized that this was not the life I wanted. I punished him for about a year until I realized that I was actually making him lie MORE!! We were miserable. But, through all of this, it became clear that if I didn’t want him to lie, I needed to treat him as if he wasn’t a liar. Somehow, I managed to move beyond the anger and stopped punishing him. This was a process. I stopped checking his e-mail. And we grew stronger, little by little. In the end, the whole ordeal actually strengthened our relationship.
    This is not to say that I ignore my instincts. And, for the record, if he cheated on me, I would pack his bags and have the children wave “bye-bye to daddy.” We all have our limits. But, for some of us, white lies are an automatic response of protection. My husband will probably always tell white lies…but, I married him. The lying part of him also represents the side I love….that charismatic, “I’ve got it all handled” kind of guy. None of us are perfect. So, you just need to decide if the good outweighs the bad. Because I’m sure, years from now, when the sh%# hits the fan, he will lie to you in a big way. And at that point, you will ask yourself, “Is our relationship strong enough to move beyond this??” If the answer is no now, then save yourself years of anguish and move on.

    1. woah – that is intense! and I can relate, even though I don’t wanna admit it, because ppl always say that lying is the worst thing EVER.

  31. My first Husband was a liar and he lied about everything. It may just be little things now but trust me if they lie about little things you will never be able to trust him. I could not ever stay with a man who thought he needed to lie to me about anything. Honesty is the basis of longterm relationships if you don’t have that you have nothing. I will also say that if in your heart you think there is something wrong, there probably is. We women sometimes try not to listen to that little voice inside we should not betray ourselves like that.

  32. Talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel. Admit you once went through his phone then apologize and explain why you felt you had to do that. This may not be as easy as it sounds, but this may be the only way to really figure things out.

    Cheating, to many is bad but it’s a fact that people do cheat for a number of reasons – to hurt, to protect, to preserve, to make things simple, the list goes on. Most may not agree with me but cheating may have actually been resorted to for a good cause – at least to the cheater’s judgment – and may lead to a good thing. This once happened to me.

    My fiance’s ex gf is a ‘woman on the verge’, if you know what I mean. They’ve called it quits for close to 3 years already but she’d still e-mail and call him, even his friends with – get this – names she’d just made up just so he’d pick up. Several times this had happened.

    As it’s no secret she’s like this, I simply asked my fiance to avoid every possible chance that he’d figure himself in a situation where she’d be around him. When he said yes, I took his word.

    Then came the time I was juggling full-time work and Bar review – I barely had time for myself. I struggled showing up at the office and reading books and exam materials. Fiance was best man to a friend’s out-of-town wedding and I could not show up – no question. He went alone. When asked how it was, nothing but just good times and fun stories of seeing old friends from college.

    Until a month after, I came across the wedding website with group photos and my fiance and his ex gf were there – nothing cozy really. It got me feeling really bad because I was kind of expecting he’d at least tell me he saw her there but not a single mention. I thought he’d tell me if he had nothing to hide. Cheating by omission.

    He explained that the ‘not telling me’ was actually intentional because he didn’t want me to get stressed with hearing again stories of his ex gf stalking him, etc. all in the middle of my preparation for the Bar exams and that he in all honestly planned of telling me when my Bar exams were over and there would be time for these not-so-important things. He’s a friend of the groom’s, she’s a friend of the bride’s so seeing her there was not totally unexpected. This explanation I accepted whole-heartedly.

    Postponing telling the truth – if driven by good intentions – I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. Talking feelings is no easy thing to do and good timing is one important factor to consider. If you can do it without being confrontational and disagreeable and granted you both really love each other, I think you’re in for a sweet deal here.

    I wish you well :-)

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