QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER: I have been married for 13 years and have lived in the same small town for 13 years. During these years I’ve become very frustrated with the dynamics of my husband’s family, especially my mother-in-law. She is a tyrant and a bully. She bullies her son and/or ignores him completely. She does the same with her grandsons. I have persevered long enough. I cannot seem to accept that my husband has no strength to face his mother about how she treats him and his sons. She acts like they don’t exist! They are a prominent family in the town, so there is a constant reminder of their presence. Since my husband doesn’t have the courage or strength to stand up to his mother and call her out on her actions, I have to do it. Now my in-laws and husband blame me for the family disconnect. I am tired of being the scapegoat and have encouraged my husband to change, but he is unwilling to make a change in hopes his mother will accept him one day. I feel like the only way I’m going to grow is to leave this dysfunctional family, which means leaving my husband. I am unhappy and have an emotionally void husband that has mastered blocking anything uncomfortable out. It is toxic and continues to crop up and poison me, no matter what. I am at a loss and feel my marriage is on the brink of divorce and do not know where to turn. I feel healing together without the presence of his family in the same vicinity would help us. My husband’s retort is basically "Suck it up. We are not going to run away. We have a nice home." I am at a loss and feel torn, as I love my home, as well. Do I present an ultimatum to my husband? I think this is the only way, but then he says I am threatening him.
What strikes me most about your letter is that this is your problem. That is to say, it sounds like everyone else is actually accepting of the way things are. Maybe your husband is mildly unhappy about the way his family is, but it’s also what he knows. This has been the dynamic, I’m guessing, forever. It’s his familiar. It’s worth noting that you’ve been married for thirteen years, and this dynamic was always what it is, and yet NOW you’ve become very frustrated. I wonder, what is it that has changed in you, what has ignited this… hurt. I’m guessing that what you’re really feeling is wounded. It’s a gut instinct. Because you feel he’s choosing his mother over you. And you feel wounded that he doesn’t respect you enough to change. And you feel hurt that she treats you this way, too. And, quite frankly, I don’t blame you. It does hurt.
Yes, it’s frustrating as all h-e-double hockey sticks, and you wish your husband was a different man. But this is the man you chose to marry, a man you vowed to love in sickness and in health, and right now, that sickness is his infectious mother-in-law. And you’re letting it get to you.
I hear you. Been there, divorced that. But I didn’t divorce him because he wasn’t man enough to stand up to his parents. I actually accepted that it was one of his limitations in life. That is the world he knew, and it wasn’t going to change overnight. I just saw it as a flaw; no one is perfect. You know what I learned to do? I stopped complaining to him about his mother (not the world, I was fine with that, but to him). Putting him in the middle doesn’t help anything, and will actually only frustrate the fuck out of you because it’s highly unlikely that he’s going to change. It’s why ultimatums just don’t work. No one wins there. Because what you’re saying is, it’s me, or it’s her. Instead, there’s a way to soften it.
On a scale of 1-10 of importance, this is a 10 to me. I know you have lived and operated this way all your life, and I don’t expect it to change overnight, but if I’m important to you, you will at least show me that you care about how this is affecting me, and will make steps toward changing this dynamic. I know you’re okay with it. But I’m not. It’s a very big issue for me, and I need to know, that you, as my partner, want to work on changing this dynamic. I’ve helped to create this dynamic by not expressing how much it has affected me over the years. But things cannot continue this way. I don’t want to put you in the middle, so from now on, if I have an issue with your mother’s behavior, I’m going to speak with her about it, and I need to know that you will support me, no matter what, if she then goes to you to talk about it. I need to know that you will tell her to deal directly with me about it, that you, as my husband, are fully on my side.
I’ll also say this. A friend of mine began having mother-in-law issues as soon as she got married. She and her husband sought couples counseling, as the mother was making them fight constantly. The therapist told the man that if he wanted to make his marriage work, he had to realize that his wife was his family now. He said that a husband and wife should be a two-person team that supports one another 100%. If any outside force (his mother) were to try to come between the team, he should always choose his wife over the other. Although this is what his wife had been saying all along, the husband needed to hear it from an outside party. He didn’t choose his mother, but he did choose you as his family, and he does need to put you first. If he admits that he cannot put you first, that he’s incapable of respecting how important this is to you, then I would, in fact, think long and hard about what this marriage means to you.
"Now my in-laws and husband blame me for the family disconnect." They happen to be right. You’re the one who has a problem with it, not them. That dysfunctional way they live is what they know. Here’s what I would do, if I were you. I would tell your husband that YOU have found a therapist, that you’re at the end of your rope and need help. I would tell him that you plan to see the therapist whether or not he wants to go. You would like it very much if he went with you, so the therapist could hear both sides of things, so the therapist doesn’t only hear your ranting and raving, but if it’s not important to him, then you still plan on going. I would, in fact, make an appointment with a therapist who deals with couples therapies. And then, most importantly, I would tell your mother-in-law that you’re going. Tell her that you don’t want to live like this anymore, and that you welcome her to come to therapy, that you are going to discuss everything that goes on with her and your husband, and you welcome her to voice her side of things. Let her know that the dynamic has to changeand you’re no longer going to sit around and complain about it. You’re taking steps to do something about it.
She may laugh, she may ignore you completely. But she’ll fall asleep at night wondering what the hell you’re telling this therapist, and she may just want to put in her two cents and get into that therapist’s room. Even if she doesn’t, she’ll know, she’ll expect the dynamic to change.
That’s all I’ve got. Perhaps others will join in…
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January 6th, 2010 at 3:02 am
I think this was spot on excellent advice.
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January 6th, 2010 at 4:09 am
There is an amazing book called “The Dance if Intimacy” by Harriet J. Lerner which is a wonderful resource in giving the strength, validation and resources to handle such intractible problems as yours. Read several times, and turned to in moments of despair and frustration as a guide, it makes an incredible difference. It’s a light in the darkness.
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January 6th, 2010 at 4:47 am
If it were me, I’d talk to the therapist before I told my mother in law anything. If the point is to keep her from invading your marriage, dragging her into another situation seems questionable to me.
But, I absolutely agree that therapy is needed. Lots of therapy, but since we’re only in control of ourselves, the best thing to do is get yourself there. At least.
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January 6th, 2010 at 7:58 am
like
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January 6th, 2010 at 8:46 am
You mean “She’ll want to put in her ‘Two Cents’ not ‘two sense’.. (no need to post this just edit this part)
And V good advice..beat her at her own game and do not let her win. Well done.
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January 6th, 2010 at 10:01 am
Long time reader, first time commenter!
When you point out that she IS the cause of the family rift – holy cats – that blew my mind! I never thought of it like that. Brilliant. Definitely a way of thinking I can apply to my own life. Thanks!!
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January 6th, 2010 at 10:44 am
I have a difficult MIL who “threatened” to go to therapy over our relationship – something she unfortunately hasn’t followed through on. I think there are people who are just plain difficult and you either have to learn to deal with them (by avoiding or decreasing contact) or break the relationship off with that person. Either way, you need the unconditional support of your spouse/partner and it sounds like this woman’s husband needs to man up and decide who he wants to have as part of his life. If he’s waiting for mommy’s affirmation and still hasn’t gotten it after all this time, that should be a warning to him.
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southpengirl Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 2:03 pm
I agree with the “avoiding or decreasing contact” part. My MIL is very agressive and feels her way is the right way. She threatened to “disown” my husband when she found out we wanted to elope. I compromised for the sake of my husband. 3 years later, I limit my contact with her, ignore the passive-aggressive, and support my husband when he is a total loss of how to handle her. I choose not to get involved because I don’t have to and I’m happier for it. It’s between my husband and his mom.
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January 6th, 2010 at 10:59 am
Unfortunatly all you can really do is politely talk to them.
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January 6th, 2010 at 11:09 am
run fast
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January 6th, 2010 at 11:20 am
This is SO Off topic but knowing your Lost Lust…. check this article out.. look at the picture of them.. interesting yep.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1240846/Lost-fans-promised-shocking-finale-cast-recreation-The-Last-Supper.html
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January 6th, 2010 at 11:45 am
Yes, the wife is the cause of the rift in the family because she is the one causing the upheaval in the status quo, so there is that to take into consideration. I agree that a husband and wife must support each other as one team, however if one is expecting the other to completely banish a parent (unwillingly) to create this support, something is wrong and the person being pressured should run away very quickly. Both should be accepting of each other. I was in a similar situation and thank GOD I gave that diamond ring back before I married the sucker!
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January 6th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
Spot on, Stephanie! Good for you! I completely agree with the “leave and cleave” philosophy, though easier said than done. Thanks for giving all of us something to think about!
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January 6th, 2010 at 12:41 pm
This is not helpful advice, but I can say that one of the benefits of divorce is NEVER having to be anything but civil to my ex MIL ever again. God, I loathed that woman…and she, me.
One thing that I advise anyone considering marriage to do is evaluate those family dynamics from a truly neutral standpoint. Watch the interactions with the knowledge that you cannot change them. Especially watch how he treats his mom and see if that’s how you want to be treated (I know that’s old advice – but it’s true!) Watch how dad treats mom too…that’s a biggie! I wish I’d listened all those thousands of years ago when I was warned “look how he treats his mom…he’s an ass!” and my reply “oh, that’s just his mom. He’ll never treat me that way.” Sigh.
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January 6th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
I’m not usually turned off by controlling people, provided I believe their heart is in the right place. I see their need to control as THEIR problem. In the end, I’m going to do what I’m going to do. I’ve been down this road…with myself. Manipulating and controlling others is what you do when you don’t trust the flow of life. It’s fear.
I grew up in a family of strong women that controlled the flow of the family. Then I married a man who had a mother that was just like the women in my family. Is she a bit controlling? Absolutely, but it doesn’t bother me because it’s familiar to me. I see the the controlling nature and I see the fear and love that usually triggers it in her. I can’t make her change, so I choose to focus on the latter.
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January 6th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Another book, looks totally cheezy but I think a lot of it could apply to this lady and her husband… Making Love Last Forever by Gary Smalley. I think I’ve given this title to Stephanie to check out because I would love her opinion on it too.
Any way, I think Stephanie gave some great perspective.
Good luck!
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January 6th, 2010 at 1:59 pm
Did anyone else notice that writer also said that the mother in law is also bullying and/or completely ignoring her GRANDCHILDREN?
I agree that this woman and her husband need to work together to figure out how to deal with his mother, but in the meantime I think that she should keep her children out of the whole situation and until it’s resolved away from bullies.
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January 6th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
Beautiful
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January 7th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
This was me before I talked to my husband (early on, mind you) and told him it was unacceptable. It turned out well for us and she’s been cut out of my life (he goes to visit her every few months without me and without sharing details of our lives with her).
I think the advice about therapy is good, but I respectfully and adamantly disagree that you should tell her about it and invite her in. Her meddling in your relationship is the problem and validating her role in your lives is going to backfire if she chooses not to go (which she probably will, because really, who would?). You know her better than any of us, but think about it.
As for your children being mistreated, this would be a big sign that your husband sees you and your children as the “extended” family. That’s so unfortunate. If he’s not willing to man up, perhaps ending your misery and divorcing him will be an excellent lesson to your children. You do not want them thinking this is normal family behavior.
Good luck!
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January 7th, 2010 at 8:24 pm
What I am most struck by is “I am unhappy and have an emotionally void husband.” Now she is really getting somewhere with that statement. I wonder if the MIL issue is just a safe topic and distraction to vent about when the real issue is the relationship steadily growing more distant between the couple. To be honest, this post kinda took my breath away, as I could have penned it, right down to the 13 years. While opposites initially attract, emotionally expressive wives may eventually tire of being the only one in the marriage who is feeling anything. As for me, in hindsight, there is something to be said about marrying a man with similar emotional intelligence, which I didn’t do.
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January 7th, 2010 at 8:53 pm
i don’t know how else to say this except: you are brilliant. i have LIVED this. this is what initially connnected me to you, and your blog, is the mother-in-law issues, and being a young manhattan divorcee. reading your response has stirred some unpleasant memories i keep tucked away, and how i wish i had you to bounce around my thoughts with 6 years ago! thanks for the insights.
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January 8th, 2010 at 4:36 pm
That’s great advice, and especially timely give my post today. I completely sympathize with the author of the question as my husband’s family can be quite difficult as well.
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January 12th, 2010 at 11:51 am
Wow sounds so familiar. My MIL is toxic as well. In my case she has been allowed, by the family, to behave this way for so long that there really is no good solution. If you confront her she will block you out and blame you for any further problems. It would create a huge mess in the current dynamic. My husband did lightly confront her so she does not think things are sliding past us. But this is the extent of it. I have to just let her always have her way, have her say even if I don’t agree. This is the only way of dealing with her. At 80 years old she isn’t going to change. Sorry that I do not have a good solution.
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January 23rd, 2010 at 1:34 am
After 16 years of marriage I recently divorced my ex for many of the same reasons listed in the reader’s letter. His mother invaded every aspect of our lives and each time I objected or tried to reason with her the end result was always: “You are difficult and why can’t you just pretend to get along with my mother?” In his mother’s mind I wasn’t the wife she wanted for her son and I wasn’t the mother she wanted for her granddaughter. She found fault with everyone around her, including her spouse and dear son and anyone that stood up to her was subjected to the cold treatment along with insulting comments. She is the master of holding grudges and her son made it clear to me that he valued the material things she could give him much more than the emotional support I could provide.
We did individual therapy, family therapy all together and marriage counseling and both my ex and his mother dropped out of counseling because they felt that the therapist wasn’t helping and I was the only one that needed to change. I was told that if I changed to suit them then their lives would be much happier.
Well, I stayed in therapy for 4 years, working on rebuilding my confidence and self esteem and you know what? I did change! I looked at my ex and his mother and said, “You two are welcome to stew in your dysfunction but I can’t live this way so I’m leaving.” Imagine their shock but now I can breathe and feel so much more alive. My daughter sees me being truly happy now and much more relaxed. That is the best example I can set for her and sometimes it really is best to walk away.
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February 24th, 2010 at 4:18 am
I have to say that you give sound advice, Stephanie.
I’ve been there done that too, but I’m a lucky one as my husband chose me after all the hassles. Actually he chose to just cut off my in-laws all together – I always supported his decisions but it came down to his decision to cut them out of our lives.
It was never a case that he’d take their side he just jumped when they called and never standing up for himself. Even the day that we were ‘offically’ estranged did they argue or anything, it was a quiet thing. We have great communication! This helps so much.
Good luck, a MIL that sucks OR a FIL as was my case, actually both, is never an easy thing on a relationship.
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March 9th, 2010 at 9:41 am
I am finally in divorce process and one of the main problems was the in laws, esp. mom in law from hell. I never got any cooperation from husband in handling her, and when i tried to talk to her several times, we got nowhere. Everyone in their family was used to the “status quo”, just how she is, she has always been “controlling” the neighbors and friends would even say in the small town, and only in the last year did my soon to be ex husband finally yell out “my mom was controlling my whole life!”, upon me finding out about his affair and lies and losing his job, etc.., he finally admitted it, a dysfunctional family , a controlling mom, a dad who was always going on hunting, fishing, golfing, men’s trips way too much, most likely to get away from her. So what i see now, after dealing with these people for 10 plus years, is that people do not change, and i saw many red flags early on, and i guess i thought it could change. The only time she was nice to me was when they finally found out about the affair and what all their son had done, for the first time treated me in a good way, but i think they just didnt want the problem son and his addictions back to handle, they were seeing I had to cope with it instead. so now, he has been back living with them in small town, and hating it, and so where they wanted to spend so much time with him, and everyone blamed me for keeping him away, etc.. now they can all have each other, i wont have to deal with them, and they wont have to look at me and i wont have to go to that god awful town ever again! So yes, look good and hard at the family, because that is very telling for your relationships!
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