adding sex to your to-do list is a don’t

In ALL, DATING & MATING, MARRIAGE by Stephanie Klein43 Comments

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When the producers of the Rachael Ray show phoned, they wanted to know how I felt about scheduling sex. My first response, "Sure… with whom?" But the truth is, I wouldn’t schedule sex with anyone. I get that sex deserves top billing in your life, right up there with composing your Thanksgiving menu, but the rush and excitement we get from dating, the thrill of the unexpected, to whittle it down to a to-do item yanks the rush right out from under your spankable bottom. It kills the very uncertainty you’re trying to keep alive.

Besides, just because you use a sharpee to scribble it in to your weekly planner doesn’t mean it’s happening. I start arguing with my husband about parenting styles–his iron-fisted way of taking over–and the last thing I want is his tongue anywhere near any part of me. Others might say that you need to add sex to the schedule so it doesn’t fall out of sight, out of mind. "It’s hard to find time," they say. But kids go to sleep eventually.

That said, in all honesty, I don’t remember the last time we had sex. Phil tells me it was 3 weeks ago. And I of course remember a time when I visited my gynecologist, seeking meds for a urinary infection. He prescribed meds I could take, just one, each time after sex, to help ward off the UI. In writing his prescription he asked, "How often would you say you’re having sex?" He needed to know how many pills to prescribe. "I dunno, like 3 or 4 times a day." I was being 100% serious. I was single. Now it’s once in 3 weeks. And the sad bit is, that’s just fine by me. I think the whole female sexual peak happening in our early 30s only applies to unmarried women. The truth is, though, when I really stop to think about it, that when I was single, I had more needs. I was needy, hungry for attention, for validation; I wanted, more than anything, to be wanted by someone I wanted back. And once I found that, I calmed the fcuk down.

And yet, when I’m sitting at dinner, or an airport, or even crossing the street, I’m jealous of the infatuation I see between other couples, the way they grab handfuls of each other and make out in public. Without care of what others might think or see, their want is clear to everyone–what’s unclear is how long those waves of infatuation last. One thing’s for sure, I wish I could schedule the unadulterated want that goes with the sex. 

2 YEARS AGO: When A Man Loves A Woman
3 YEARS AGO: Leftovers
4 YEARS AGO: Peanutbutter Should Be One Word
5 YEARS AGO: Power Moves

Comments

  1. My husband and I have scheduled sex before. We both work long hours and travel a lot, and we were at a point where we were both going out of our minds because it had been so long. So, that day, we decided to leave work early and meet at home so we would have time to get down before having to go to a friend’s party that evening. It worked beautifully. We have done something similar a couple of times since then, and it is always great. I don’t think it’s unromantic. With as hectic as life gets, I think it is important to make time for sex, even if we have to put a reminder in Outlook to do so.

  2. We set the alarm half an hour earlier some mornings – does that count as scheduling? If so, I am all for it!

  3. My hub and I have had a Monday night funfest for the past 4 years. Actually putting that in writing looks pathetic.

  4. Just saw you on Rachel ray and now I’ll delve into the world of Miss Klein. Thank you for your writing. I am in awe of your honesty.

  5. I just got married and look forward to the newness of everything not the scheduling. I hope i don’t change. Thanks for this.

  6. Whenever I need a laugh I come here. Your posts make me think and snort coffeee out of my nose. How is Phil feeling besides sex deprived?

  7. Your blog must be overrun with visitors as it took me three times to get this to go through. All I wanted to say was thanks for this, you look wonderful on RR and to make a suggestion- Stay a night in a hotel room every once and a while. Change the scenery helps.

  8. Being from the other side of the gender spectrum I would say some times it is easier not to engage. It can be a lot of work with you women! DVR’ed Ray for today. Thanks for making the fights with my girlfriend easier. Sometimes I just forward a post you wrote.

  9. Website down a long time. I need my Stephanie Klein fix! Please do something about this.

  10. I’m getting married in January and can’t wait for the normalcy of it all. Already thinking of pots, pans and leather boots.

  11. Just over here from The Rachel Ray website and must say WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!! Seriously, I am laughing my somewhat sizeable butt off at your posts. And the comments! Jeez Louise! Keep on keepin’ on.

  12. Great post Stephanie! When is it too early to lose drive? I mean I can watch porn(I know I’m a girl but love me some porn) but thinking about the work it’s gonna take to teach him what I want doesn’t seem worth it. Thoughts?

  13. Why don;t you do more shows like Rachel Ray? In fact you should have your own show as when I watch you I get intrigued and love what you have to say. Those other two moms? Yawn.

  14. I heard you do the keynote at BlogHer and love your honesty. My truth is I still get randy about my man and he about me. Must be the Atlanta water… Keep on keepin’ on!

  15. I remember in your first book reading how you tried to spice up your marriage and his reaction. Now years later we are all finding our way through the stresses like finances, self esteem, boredom. It’s amazing I have the strength to brush my teeth. Wait, maybe that is the reaon we don’t have sex any more?

  16. My to do list includes things like buy perfume, make his favorite meal and learn to say “Yes, i’d love to try it again. This time please go slow”.

  17. I wonder if Madoff has it on his “to do” list with his new husband?

  18. Wow, just read your blog for the first time and I have to say you are my new best friend! Wanna go for a Pinot?

  19. I work at the hotel you stayed at when taping the show. I knew you were going to be on as I saw who booked the room. I so wanted to send up a bottle of Vino and say thank you for writing MOOSE. I was that girl and now that woman. You helped me through some difficult times and don’t even know. Thank you.

  20. I’ve read your blog for years and have seen you grow so much from a tempestuous nightlife girl to a responsible mom, author and wife. Congratulations for guiding through life’s tribulations with grace and curls perfect. Love your NPR interview.

  21. I’ve tried it all- Match, EHarmony, JDate. Can’t seem to meet someone I’m sexually compatible with. It’s not an online dating thing either. I fear once I do meet him that it’ll be a head fake and i’ll end up in one of those sexless marriages. Love what you said on the RR trailor- “Balance is BS”. Can’t wait to see the show. Love your blog and books.

  22. Stephanie, that Bumpit is rocking in the photo. I’d be afraid I’d screw it up.

    I cried when I read your article on miscarriage and laughed at your he said/sh said videos. Mark of a true talent and person.

    Thanks for the good times and introspection.

  23. The only thing I want to schedule is a heart to heart with my mother in law and that should be limited to 10 minutes.

  24. I saw you on 20/20 and from there have been a fan. Would you ever consider having your own radio show or possibly a web show with call in? I think your advice helps us feel less alone.

  25. Imagine this is a hot topic. For me it is about too much sex and not enough talking. Start the grumbling…

  26. When did Ricki Lake become an old divorcee? She used to be the hip Tyra/Oprah. How the chubby have fallen. I know you outshined everyone. I can tell.

  27. I think you should collaborate with Tyler Perry. His views on th things and yours would make for interesting bedfellows.

  28. Having been through a divorce and now dating like a nun straight out of being kicked from the convent, I applaud your honesty and drive. Sometimes you say something taht resonates so much with me I need to email to about 50 people. Thank you.

  29. DO you think this is an American thing? A socioeconomic thing or are we all like this after a while?

  30. I’ve been a reader for years and loved loved loved seeing you on Rachael Ray!! I only wish the segment had been longer as it seemed to go by way too fast..

    P.S. You have some major cleavage going on! I wish I could borrow some of that!! ;)

  31. Well, who says you have to want sex to do it? Maybe that’s exactly why you should have more. Try something spontaneous and kinky. Do it because it’s fun and it feels good. And maybe you’ll end up sparking your interest again.

  32. Wow, your site has been so hard to get to today! Glad to finally be able to see your smiling face! Rachael Ray Show was amazing!

  33. What hair and flair hands on RR today! Loved what you said. Just give up the goods to your man.

  34. Hello Erin,
    I just was introduced to Stephanie after watching Rachael Ray. I love her!!! Don’t you? I found myself stopping at your comment. My fiance loves porn, however he keeps it to himself and just about hides it from me. I have asked him about it and asked to have him turn it on with me and he almost seems embarresed. He does not know this and I have never admitted this to anyone but I do love porn as well. The only thing is that I feel that my fiance only knows what to do because of all the porn he watches. I wish he was his own person and not what he watches. I agree it is almost not worth it to teach him what I want!!!!

  35. I agree with Adam above. As an almost 46 year old woman, having been with my sweet husband for 24 years and married 20 of them, with 2 teenage boys, sometimes you just do it because you should do it. Yes, there have been courtesy f*cks galore but he’s happy, I’m not withholding and actually I usually really enjoy it once we get into it. And I have also said no but never longer than a week or so, tops. Videos and toys from the Sinclair Institute, Tabu here in Austin are great inspiration. Happened to see Phil wheeling the sprouts around the HEB while you were in LA; really a sweet threesome you have there! Get thee to the bed, kitchen island, back yard, stair landing, SOMEWHERE and have a go at it!

  36. I was leafing through Maxim the other day waiting for the train and there’s currently an article on SEX that all you woman must read. I would post a link but I’m at work and don’t want to get fired. It talks about how a change of scenery always helps. How some couples don’t do @nal except while on vacation. How couples ump up the bedding and the sexiness while away. How basically everything gets hotter when you leave your crap at home and take off for a weekend, a week, or even two weeks.

    The hubby is opposed to scheduling. He loves the hype, the wait, the seduction. Yday I tried something new and told him I had no underwear while at work. He was a drooling dog by the time I got home.

    And yes, I to sometimes long for the lustf couples show everywhere. But I think back to a passage that was read at my wedding. While my hubby might not come home crazy lustful to meet me and kiss me everynight, he comes home, with a smile on his step, knowing that if god will’s be, we’ll make this crazy relationship work until the end of time.

  37. Danger! Danger! If you haven’t had sex with your husband in 3 weeks, he will hump a tree, or much worse. Have sex regularly even if you don’t want to. It’s not for you, it’s for him. All the other stuff that he does (like being a wonderful father to the beans) is for you.

  38. Erin and Sarah,

    To make a long story short: I start admitting to my husband that I do enjoy porn and its done WONDERS to our relationship. WONDERS. I used to think that admitting that was gross/lewd/whatever, but it isn’t. I’m going to say it out LOUD and WRITE it. I’m turned on by watching heterosexual couples have sex. There. Say it. Do it. I’m proud of it.

    Something that might help both of you is to order some couple’s porn online: Comstock films has three great DVDS that we’ve enjoyed. Forget the couple’s name of my favorite but the byline is : “Better than Ever.” Order it, sit down and watch it with the hubby, and get busy. Sometimes when we need to spark things up we make it a porn night by having dinner inside taking our drinks for the sofa and getting hyped for great sex.

    SK: You should try Naked Night with Phil. My husband instilled it as a must – and its getting cold back east so we do it less, but it works as well.

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