may I just say: a list of life observances

In ALL, LIFE OBSERVATIONS, MY LISTS by Stephanie Klein33 Comments

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I so love the gay man. I need to adopt some here in Austin. I’m actually being set up on a fag hag date. I don’t know if there’s anyone more fun. I need more Austin lady friends who want to go to gay bars with me to befriend the fabulous gay man. Anyone who can say, "I’d like to see a bit more glitz" is a good scrambled egg.

I do not approve of these jump vest numbers. Why is the one piece jumpsuit back? And what is going on with the drop waist? Drop waist dresses are for the Good Ship Lollipop.

Hello: I love Dwight. I totally get why Real Housewives of Atlanta is so popular. I have a friend here in Austin who is the white NeNe–and I adore her. Can she be a bitch, yes. But can’t we all? I have to say, whether we like it or not, we’re fascinated by people who are true to themselves. They might say some really dumb things, they might be insecure and needy for attention, but if they never apologize for being who they are, we kinda can’t help but love them.

Chris Noth is small, not big. The whole Criminal Intent series of Law & Order kinda sucks. It’s such a poor man’s SVU. The mysterious "who done it" isn’t mysterious. The "who" is usually painfully obvious in the first act. And honestly, the freckled chic with the pixie cut could stand to wear a dress. The studs in her ears are smaller than a first ear pierce gold ball. She’s terribly asexual–what the hell kind of type-casting is that for a cop?

People can’t possibly enjoy bathtub sex. Let’s begin with the fact that you’re WRINKLED. Face it, any natural lubrication your body secretes is washed away, and you’re left with a soapy in and out mess.

4 YEARS AGO: Dookie, Turning Corners
5 YEARS AGO: In a Step

Comments

  1. hahah, i SO agree about Criminal Intent, that girl bothers me for some unknown reason…
    if i was in austin i would jump at the chance to go gay bar hopping, used to be a favorite past time of mine…

  2. No, no, no, drop waist dresses are heavenly for tall girls with a bit of a soft belly (to rub like Buddha) and long, yoga lean legs. Wear with capri footless tights and high sandal slides. It’s my uniform.

  3. Nope, last one – we actually do enjoy that. Even if it’s a small tub, it’s all the laughing & maneuvering that makes it good.

  4. You completely nailed why I watch Housewives of Atlanta. Dwight and NeNe. Flaws and all, they are who they are. The older I get, the less I apologize for who I am and it feels wonderful.

  5. Have to disagree on L&W CI, though I was not a fan when Chris Noth was on the show. Jeff Goldblum however, is fantastic! I even like the chemistry he has with his female partner, Julianne Nicholson. That being said, JN was much more attractive in the terrible “Little Black Book”, when she had long hair, much softer and cuter with all the freckles. I could be biased though as there aren’t many female leads out there with as many freckles as me.

    I much prefer shower sex to tub sex, though I will turn neither one down.

  6. yeah, gotta say I found that a little offensive. Would you describe a black person in such a cliched way?
    I’m sure you didn’t mean to be rude, but you make it sound like you’re going shopping for a pet.

  7. Ugh–this may have been a light-hearted, but not all gay men are 2 dimensional pets or accessories, which it sounds like you are seeking.

  8. Agree about bathtub sex, same with hottub sex, OUCH!
    Gay men are the best. They tell it like it is, they won’t let you leave the house looking like ass. They usually have your back, unless a twink walks by, then you might be on your own! lol

  9. Jumpsuits are for four year olds.

    Also, I would love to know which books you recommend reading again and again re: screenwriting.

  10. Next time I go dancing on 4th street with my boys (who are, in fact, adorably glitzy, unabashedly gay, handsome gentlemen, and yet capable of being as bitchy as a PMSing commenter on a website when they need to), I’ll drop you an email. How much advance notice do you need for a Friday night downtown? :)

  11. I love that picture of you & Linus! My 2 gay male friends are middle-aged, fashion clueless, not the least bit bitchy, and rather ordinary. Fag hagging: I iz doin it rong.

  12. You are missing something massive in your comments about LO:CI.

    Vincent D’Onofrio IS the show, Noth and Goldblum are incidental. They were only employed to take some of the huge load off D’Onofrio’s shoulders.

    1. Glad someone pointed this out! Every other pair of detectives they’ve tried on this show pales in comparison to Goren & Eames. This is the L&O that’s not about the story, it’s completely character driven and there is NO better character actor than Vincent D’Onofrio. Chris Noth just doesn’t belong in this show. He’s not quirky enough, so they gave him a partner that’s EXTRA quirky to try to even it out.

      Regular L&O is all about the story and SVU tries to be somewhere in between but the problem is I’m SICK of their characters: yes, yes, your mother was raped and you identify too much with the victims and it gets you into trouble, yes, you’re a hothead who takes your work home with you and it almost ruined your marriage, we know… just have sex already and get it over with.

    2. amen (although i love chris noth from his original l&o days). unfortunately for eames they’ve reduced her role to keeping goren out of trouble.

  13. Of course there are three-dimensional gay men who happen to fit the stereotype, as with every stereotype. For this reader, however, it’s just another example of your intense focus on image. When you’re not writing about the importance of things, you’re writing about the importance of people as things. You seem to have so many wonderful people in your life, so why do you sound the most passionate and connected when you are singing the praises of the material, superficial, stuff?

  14. I agree with Val–Vincent D’Onorio IS the show! And LO:CI is the best of all the L&O’s, the only one that makes you think. Sometimes you know in the beginning who did it, but usually not. The fun part is in watching Bobby (Vincent D’Onofrio)figure it all out, usually by deterimining why the perp did it, leading to the perp himself. It isn’t as obvious as you might think. It’s a very smart show. And my all-time favorite show.

  15. We love you too Steph! Don’t worry, I’m not offended and I volunteer to be your gay friend.

    I like your blog because you have that funny, sharp insight that comes from being a former fattie who spent childhood on the perimeter and later blossoms when you realized you could work flab to fabulous!
    God knows we can relate in our own unique way.

    I don’t think it is so much a stereotype as we just relate to being on the outside with a finely sense that sees things from two, not-quite-right, perspectives… a little off, slightly skewed, and damningly sarcastic because that pretty much sum the joke up for us. That comes from realizing God played naughty and a bit kinky (bears for god sakes?) and now we have to live it.

    To be honest, the term ‘fag hag’ demeans the woman. We should be able to have all kinds of friends and not be labeled because of it. I like having older people as friends, but I wouldn’t want to labeled a ‘sag hag’. Anyway, all women should have a gay friend because as you get older we’re the ones who will keep you away from chiffon and back lighting.

    Anyway, love ya and good luck on your date… And if you find a cute keeper, please let me know!

  16. Hear! Hear!

    I still pine for the exceptionally stupid and blistering hot Jordan Catalano.

  17. Maybe you’re being genuine about your need for gay male company…but come on, really?

  18. Are you saluting in that picture? Linus is a cutie…did he really have a shirt that said, “Can’t touch this”? That makes me laugh everytime I think of it…

  19. I also found the “adopt a gay man” offensive.
    I also would like to know why you’re posting old photos now – first the one of you and Phil when you first met and now this one of you and Linus? Just askin’

    1. Author

      I figure an old photo is better than no photo at all. If I don’t have a current photo on hand (meaning on this particular computer), I use what I’ve got.

  20. Stephanie, I hear ya on the bathtub sex. And as for Housewives of Atlanta….I haven’t been able to get into that one….I was however quite addicted to the Jersey wives.
    Good post and love the pic of you and Linus!

  21. EVERY woman needs a gay man in her life!! I don’t know what I would do without my Gay Husband!! When I’m grumpy and getting on my husbands nerves, he just sends me down the street (5 houses) to my Gay Husband’s house for cocktails!!

  22. Thanks for your honest, tell it like it is, writing. You write the things I would like to but never find the time to do. I needed a laugh today and you delivered.

  23. Hi, pretty new to your blog but I think we may share a brain.

    That girl on CI has driven me NUTS the whole time she’s been on the show. It’s like they cast a 12-year-old boy…and now she/the character’s pregnant. Ugh. So annoying. I’m glad I’m not the only one…Mr. Perfect doesn’t see it.

    And, um, also not the only one who doesn’t get the shower sex thing. I really *want* to get it…but on the most basic level, how does one solve the lubrication problem???

    Also, I hate jumpers.

    The end.

  24. I so love the gay man. I need to adopt some here in Austin. Anyone who can say,
    I’d like to see a bit more glitz is a good scrambled egg.

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