real housewives of the lone star state: bantam babes won’t you come out tonight?

In ALL, BOOB TUBE, JUDY BLUME MOMENTS, PREENING, STYLE by Stephanie Klein10 Comments

chicken12
"Ma, you can’t feed the chicken chicken!" "What, I should make separate meals?"

They’re coming. The real housewives of The Lone Star State. They’re really coming.

Growing up, I’d always heard my mother refer to the women at our country club as "Cackling Hens." In particular she meant the ladies who sat poolside beneath an oversized yellow umbrella, at a table with an ashtray, playing Bridge. I remember their hair, always sprayed, pulled off their shoulders into big up-dos, as if they were ready for prom. Their bathing suits never had straps. No halters, no two pieces. All of them, as memory serves, wore strapless tube-top-styled suits. And I envied, so much, their long white tubes of orangey Bain de Soleil gelée. I remember trying to eat some, hoping it might taste like tangerines. It didn’t. Though today, when I want to taste the beach, I drink anything with Malibu. It tastes exactly like Coppertone. I digress…

This weekend I was home sick hugging a bottle of codine-laced cough syrup (which tastes awesome, actually) when Phil made his escape. With sprouts in tow, he headed to the club, cozied up to the bar, and exchanged how-do-you-do’s with one of the women from The Real Housewives of The Lone Star State. I’m not sure when the official taping begins, but here’s one thing I know: the chicken crossed the road to try and whore herself out.

Phil came home talking all about cackling hens. Only he called them Silkies. I assumed he didn’t mean the Lone Star housewife was out and about in her silky PJs. "Yeah," he said, "One of her best friends owns a Bantam silkie. It’s the latest designer pet." This is coming from a man who wears tee shirts printed with photos he’s taken of sunflowers. In public.

"The latest thing, huh?"

"Yeah, look ’em up."

I had a vague feeling I’d heard of these Poultry Princesses before–back when I was having nightmares of chickens being strapped into baby strollers–in the comment section of this blog back when I’d posted about finding hair folicles on my chicken. Still, I looked them up again. Let me just say: there’s something to be said about designer pets–especially when said pets are often entree items–but what that "something" is, I’m not so sure.

I understand buying local. Produce. Meats. Poultry. I get it. Support Mom & Pops. All for it. In fact, even today, we drove past a truck selling squash, just squash, on the side of the road. Okay, we didn’t stop, but I support the idea of stopping.

BUT. Raising a flock of chicken cheeks hoping it’ll read as chic? Instead of designer poodles, people are strutting about town with pet chickens in their designer dog carriers. Scoop up your Silkie, tote him off to Neiman’s, and if you’re hungry, you can sweet talk your Silkie into prepping you an omelett. But, like everywhere else, you’ll still have to pay extra if you want egg whites only.

Why? Why? Why? Why would you even consider putting a rhinestone collar on a chicken?

Their poops are as small as chicken scratch. And now laying an egg is no longer a euphamism.

"And Doll, they’re just precious! And practical now that I’m back to the Atkins." Shame she’s still on the waitlist for a pink one. "Really? They come in pink?"

"All colors. Lavender, scarlet…" That’s what we need Phil! A scarlet silkie we can name Tara. We’ll let her "play" with Rebecca’s German Shepherd, Rex!

(crickets)

I know. I butchered it. HA!

It’s my father’s influence. Blame him for the corn.

2 YEARS AGO: Disposable Income and People
4 YEARS AGO: Stephanie in Wonderland
 

Comments

  1. is this is a joke? if they’re for real, how come i don’t know about them? they remind me of chinese cresteds for eccentricity and charm. beautiful and cute.

  2. Don’t I know it! My son raises chickens and after doing a great deal of research learned about the growing popularity of Silkies. He purchased a rooster and a hen and at the end of April we had our first brood—they are hilarious looking!!! Mama Silkie is now sitting on 10 eggs that are due to hatch soon! We think they look like Muppets!!! We were thinking more along the lines of SELLING them as opposed to toting them to and fro!!!
    P.S. I’ve changed my site from Bitz&Pieces to The Brooding Chick…I’m one of the crazy fans who met you in Austin & again at the Jewish Center in San Antonio. I always knew we had some things in common…but NEVER would have guessed Silkies!!! Ha!!!

  3. yeah real cool, and what happens when they tire of them? I just took my 4 year old granddaughter to a farm animal sanctuary in the Catskills (NY) that houses all kinds of rescued farm animals, a majority of which, get this, come from NYC. One of the chicken rescues was a silkie. Abandoned. People find animals/birds wandering the streets. Some animals come from slaughter house saves, some from people who think it is cute to get a little chickie or piglet..and then find out WHOA – I don’t want this anymore. Little chickie gets sent to slaughter or if lucky, is adopted out to a place that will respect the life of the animal.

  4. That is just plain bizarre. But no more bizarre (I guess) than the day when I was 18, went to a ranch with my now ex-husband, and found out two shocking nature facts: Cows have hair (my leather coat didn’t have hair) and eggs are born hard. I always imagined they were born soft and little – and grew in to full-hard eggs. That’s nearly 25 years ago, and I’m still amazed.

  5. The chick thing is disturbing.

    But this — “…long white tubes of orangey Bain de Soleil gelée,”
    OH MY! I remember using that stuff. HA! That really took me back :)

  6. the real housewives are coming to D.C. and I don’t even want to imagine what kind of pets they will have. eeek!

  7. My mom always referred to them as “the bathing beauties” and a roll of the eyes. Same chairs at the pool. No exceptions. Misting bottles of water. And you’re totally right about the strapless bathing suits. More like bathing “costumes.”

  8. Seriously? The chicken HAS to be the stupidest animal God created and people want them as pets? What ever floats your boat I suppose. Too funny- ha ha

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