the case of the hairy nutsack: a lecture

July 9, 2009

book publishing, excerpts

bologna24 039
Oh, nuts.

Smut. It’s what they caught me with, age 15, at sleepaway camp for fat kids. I was then lectured by a man who asked me if I thought I knew a lot about boys. Fellatio, as far as I was concerned, sounded like a flavor of gelato I might like to try. You know, like stracciatella.

A man with a knuckled chin lectured me about porn when my nickname was still Moose. Mind you, he did nothing wrong, and he certainly wasn’t a pervert. But I was am. I accidentally caught a glimpse of his manly bits and have forever thought of them as his golden oldies. Just thought I’d share. Excerpt below.

“I asked what your parents would think about all this.”

I didn’t think the word “porn” would trigger any feelings of surprise on my parents’ behalf. Poppa referred to me as “Little Miss Hot Hormones,” a term that still bothers me today. Hearing “hormones” coupled with “hot” from my father makes me want to run down the halls of my house with my arms flailing, chanting “go away go away go awaygoawaygo” until I can hear nothing but the sound of my own voice. Certainly my parents wouldn’t have been surprised by a phone call alerting them that I still had raging hormones. If anything, perhaps they’d find it reassuring that I was still the very same daughter they’d last seen through a tinted bus window in a Yonkers parking lot.

I wanted to say this to Doc, tell him that my parents would mostly be pissed that those bastards rummaged through my belongings and stole from me. But I wasn’t certain how they’d react. If Mom answered the phone, I’m sure she’d have just apologized and replied with tsking sounds. “I just can’t believe it,” she might’ve said as if she were told I mutilated a finch. Instead of answering Doc, I just sat there, trying not to notice his oldies.

A YEAR AGO: Napa Next Week, Silk Purses and Sow Ears
2 YEARS AGO: We All Have Bad Days, Ruby Red
5 YEARS AGO: Opportunity Cost Analysis, The Notebook

Get On It (Keep On It)

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24 Responses to “the case of the hairy nutsack: a lecture”

  1. China Says:

    So…you put his picture up there? He lectured you in nothing but boxers? Wow.

    Reply

  2. Kris10 Says:

    Oh, good gravy, that’s not how I pictured him at all! Not someone who looked like he could be someone’s grandpa! I pictured a toupee, gold chains, knee socks… I would have died a little right there, having seen them. Ugh.

    Reply

  3. AKH Says:

    I can’t figure this post out. Did this man do something other than inadvertently reveal his balls? Was he wearing boxers? From your post are you are implying that he did something illegal? I realize we are in an age where there is no such thing as absolute privacy, but does that give you the right to post this picture? You might as well just have put “PERVERT” under the picture in 12 point font. I think you’ve really crossed a line and are approaching on defamation of character. This is not only risky, but just plain mean.

    Reply

  4. meredith Says:

    That is NOT what I pictured to look like at all!! GROSS! Old man nuggets… yuck.

    Reply

  5. Kristy Says:

    Stephanie,
    You never cease to deliver a good round of laughs. Thanks.

    K

    Reply

  6. Beth Says:

    I agree, with AKH. First, I don’t quite understand how you were able to see them. Second, I think it was inappropriate for you to post the picture.

    Reply

  7. Danielle Says:

    I don’t really understand this post either. And I read your books, is this a direct excerpt? I only ask because of the tag.

    I realize you can’t write about what you’re writing about, but it’s been a rough couple of weeks on Stephanieklein.com

    More than a few posts have been sort of a vomit of words with a hasty explanation later about being busy and/or too lazy to write something concise and clear.

    I get that he was wearing running shorts, you were in trouble because they found ‘girly mags’ in your bag, and you were getting the stern talk, with the threats that adults throw around when they aren’t your parent’s (I wonder what your mother would say about this? I wonder what your father would say about this?).

    Then you go into a memory of your parents thinking you had raging hormones, so you didn’t think they would be surprised at all by what the camp found in your bag. “That’s just Stephanie. Little Miss Hot Hormones”

    But the way it’s presented, the way it’s phrased and framed, it’s the same problem I have with your books. It’s a whole lotta mess that could have either been edited better, for clarity, or re-written in a tighter fashion.

    It could be me though. I’m in the midst of a Hemingway phase. I’m quoting wiki here when I say his writing stye is characterized by economy and understatement. Yours is anything but.

    Reply

  8. Isobel Says:

    Yeaaaaaaaah… I have to agree with the posters who think you crossed the line by posting his picture. While I think it sounds terribly suspect that you had a view of his um… yeah, that’s another matter. In this day and age, if someone who knows him or of him comes across your site, this could cause a lot of trouble that he might not deserve.

    Reply

  9. also Says:

    i am also surprised that you would put a man’s photo on your website with the accompanying text – i would you think you could get sued for that?

    Reply

  10. Sma Says:

    um, AKH go back again and re-read.and pay attention this time…ok… ok. thanks.

    Stephanie wrote pretty clearly that he did nothing wrong and that he certainly wasnt a pervert.

    and what I got from the post was that he was wearing, and I quote “wee running shorts ” and I am guessing here, that he maybe crossed his legs or moved somehow and she accidently saw his golden oldies!!

    gawd AKH you didnt read closely at all did ya, ya just skimmed and then RANT ON.
    stop reading if ya dont like what ya see.

    Reply

    • AKH Says:

      I posted my comment BEFORE Stephanie changed the post to make herself clear. (Which doesn’t change my opinion that posting someones picture within this content without them knowing is wrong) If you would have been able to read the original post you might have better understood what I was trying to articulate. I realize not everyone will share my opinion.

      Reply

  11. Kat Says:

    This is a direct excerpt from Moose; it’s more clear in context in the book that he isn’t a pervert, just had an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction.
    I sort of agree that posting the picture is of questionable taste.

    Reply

  12. elle Says:

    is this the same post as this morning? it certainly seemed way more ambiguous in the AM PST

    Reply

  13. Stephanie Klein Says:

    I’ve revised the post to make it clear that the man I’ve shown here did nothing perverse.

    Reply

  14. Jacks Says:

    I DON’T THINK ITS APPROPRIATE TO PUT THIS MAN’S PHOTOGRAPH HERE AT ALL. Under any circumstances. You’re looking for trouble.

    Reply

  15. Samantha Says:

    I don’t post very often, but today I have to. I agree that no where in thsi post says he is a pervert but putting up his picture was wrong. I would be terribly offended if he was someone I knew. I know it’s your blog and you can post anything you want to, but as others have said, you crossed a line.

    Reply

  16. Jacks Says:

    The heading is “The case of the hairy nutsack” and there’s his photo underneath, large as life. I think you’re being really mean, and I think you’re trying to subliminally promote your book by posting it, along with an excerpt of it. I used to be a huge fan but I’m really getting a different picture of you.

    Reply

  17. Jacks Says:

    I mean, posting the photo and an excerpt of the book.

    Reply

  18. Serena from Italy Says:

    I don’t think anybody should be offended. He didn’t do anything wrong, and Stephanie made it clear in her post.
    Anyway… I don’t think he’s still alive, is he?

    Reply

  19. Stephanie Klein Says:

    I’ve removed the photo after giving it more thought and reading your comments. It’s never my intention to embarrass anyone. Except myself from time to time.

    Reply

  20. Sam Says:

    I completely agree with Danielle.. I was thinking about making a comment already… your posts seem convuluded(spelling?)lately… they seem sort of like you are mid thought and then start writing and then we are supposed to guess what the first half of the thought was. That is pretty tough to guess with you Miss Stephanie Klein..you just sound a little distracted lately.

    Reply

  21. Maria Says:

    I must have gotten here after the photo was taken down and revisions were made. But I sort of think the website we all check is stephanieklein.com. And that means she gets to do whatever she wants. If you don’t like her style of writing then stop reading. If you are offended, stop reading. I doubt anyone who commented on this post stumbled across the site for the first time today. I think it’s rude and uncalled for anyone to fault Stephanie’s writing or content lately. I seem to remember some posts about her husband and his not 100% heart. I think that would distract anyone.

    Reply

  22. Alison Says:

    I loved this story in Moose! I also love that you had the hairy nutsack to write such raw and totally real memories.

    And as for your entry on Duane Reade, I think the re-branding is a great idea because it’s their best strategy. It’s that or having to educate staff that has no interest in being educated.

    Reply

  23. Linsey Says:

    I disagree with the previous comments about this excerpt being hard to follow…seems fairly straightforward to me.

    Reply

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