I received one of these emails, the kinds you usually delete, but might look at if you’re say, hard up for content. That, or, um, bored. I was asked to answer "turn on" or "turn off" for each prompt, and I’d love for you to do the same.
Shopping: Turn on if I’m the one shopping. Bigger turn on if someone’s shopping for me.
Mysteries and surprises: Major turn on. It means planning was involved, and with planning comes forethought, comes caring enough to think about it ahead of time. It’s means you can be calculating. It means you can lie… for an innocent enough cause.
Dallas: Turn. Just plain turn. Because I don’t know how I feel. If I base it off an old TV Drama, all I can think of is hair pieces and hotels. If I think of it now, I think in cartoons found in the backs of fashion/shopping magazines, where a map is drawn, with antique shops photographed and shop owners interviewed about best-selling items… and then I kind of like it. I also can’t help but think of Shelly Long (whom I want to call Shelly Lawn). I don’t know why. And then I think of Dr. T and the Women and what a godawful film that was. But I love outrageous over-the-top characters with wild sayings and backward values, so I’m thinking it’s a turn on.
Firemen: I know this should be a major turn on, but it’s not. At all. I don’t like men in uniform. Any uniform. Subconsciously, I might think, "conformist" or "follower," even if it is for the common good.
Gossip: A turn on in a turn off kind of way.
Health Clubs: Turn OFF.
Cars: Turn off.
ABBA: Turn way the fuck on. As long as I’m in a lesbian mood.
Beaches: Hello, never met a Bette Midler I didn’t like. Major turn on. Oh, wait, what if they meant beaches, as in, that sandy place where seagulls steal the sandwich right from your hands. In that case, turn off. I don’t like sand, sunburn, or hot fruit (no matter what kind of cooler you bring, your fruit is always warm, mushy, and gets sand on it. Then you’re stuck eating a Carrs Water Biscuit).
Fur: Turn eh.
Musicals and plays: Turn OOON! I live for musicals. If I could, I’d sing them all day long. I will begin today.
Hats: Turn on, so long as they’re wide-brimmed. Oooh, or a fedora on a straight man.
Cigars: Turn either way, but mostly off. Men in magazines and bars and restaurants that think they’re important smoke cigars. On second hand, they’re a fat turn off. Far sexier is the man in the important restaurant who could give a shit about a cigar.
Talk Shows: Turn off.
Leather: Way off. On men or women. Even on Angelina. It’s only good as far as shoes and car seats go.
Gambling: As long as it’s not an addiction is way up. I love craps.
Ambition: Biggest turn on I know.
Muscles: I could take ’em or leave ’em.
Oysters: Turn on. And low-fat.
Prince: If you mean the singer: off. If you mean royalty: on.
Gold: if it’s on a woman: on. On a man: you’re a mo.
Freckles: MAJOR TURN ON. All Caps.
Competition: Turn off. When you’re insecure, you become competitive. It’s never pretty, never sexy, and I never like it when I see it within myself.
Bikers: Ginormous turn off. Even more than the word "ginormous."
Glasses: Very sexy. Love glasses. Love nerds. Love intellectuals. Love people who think their glasses make them look smart.
Power: Second biggest turn on to ambition… and glasses.
European: Depends if they’re circumcised. And depends what part of Europe we’re speaking of. But gut reaction: Turn on. I’m suspecting because I love that there’s so much to learn there, that we can be so different. And I love hearing about customs, about the way people from England don’t date. They can ask for a napkin and sound brilliant. I’m pretty sure "learning" is my biggest turn on, ever.