turn ons and offs, a list

In ALL, MY LISTS by Stephanie Klein12 Comments

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I received one of these emails, the kinds you usually delete, but might look at if you’re say, hard up for content. That, or, um, bored. I was asked to answer "turn on" or "turn off" for each prompt, and I’d love for you to do the same.

Shopping: Turn on if I’m the one shopping. Bigger turn on if someone’s shopping for me.
Mysteries and surprises: Major turn on. It means planning was involved, and with planning comes forethought, comes caring enough to think about it ahead of time. It’s means you can be calculating. It means you can lie… for an innocent enough cause.
Dallas: Turn. Just plain turn. Because I don’t know how I feel. If I base it off an old TV Drama, all I can think of is hair pieces and hotels. If I think of it now, I think in cartoons found in the backs of fashion/shopping magazines, where a map is drawn, with antique shops photographed and shop owners interviewed about best-selling items… and then I kind of like it. I also can’t help but think of Shelly Long (whom I want to call Shelly Lawn). I don’t know why. And then I think of Dr. T and the Women and what a godawful film that was. But I love outrageous over-the-top characters with wild sayings and backward values, so I’m thinking it’s a turn on.
Firemen: I know this should be a major turn on, but it’s not. At all. I don’t like men in uniform. Any uniform. Subconsciously, I might think, "conformist" or "follower," even if it is for the common good.
Gossip: A turn on in a turn off kind of way.
Health Clubs: Turn OFF.
Cars: Turn off.
ABBA: Turn way the fuck on. As long as I’m in a lesbian mood.
Beaches: Hello, never met a Bette Midler I didn’t like. Major turn on. Oh, wait, what if they meant beaches, as in, that sandy place where seagulls steal the sandwich right from your hands. In that case, turn off. I don’t like sand, sunburn, or hot fruit (no matter what kind of cooler you bring, your fruit is always warm, mushy, and gets sand on it. Then you’re stuck eating a Carrs Water Biscuit).
Fur: Turn eh.
Musicals and plays: Turn OOON! I live for musicals. If I could, I’d sing them all day long. I will begin today.
Hats: Turn on, so long as they’re wide-brimmed. Oooh, or a fedora on a straight man.
Cigars: Turn either way, but mostly off. Men in magazines and bars and restaurants that think they’re important smoke cigars. On second hand, they’re a fat turn off. Far sexier is the man in the important restaurant who could give a shit about a cigar.
Talk Shows: Turn off.
Leather: Way off. On men or women. Even on Angelina. It’s only good as far as shoes and car seats go.
Gambling: As long as it’s not an addiction is way up. I love craps.
Ambition: Biggest turn on I know.
Muscles: I could take ’em or leave ’em.
Oysters: Turn on. And low-fat.
Prince: If you mean the singer: off. If you mean royalty: on.
Gold: if it’s on a woman: on. On a man: you’re a mo.
Freckles: MAJOR TURN ON. All Caps.
Competition: Turn off. When you’re insecure, you become competitive. It’s never pretty, never sexy, and I never like it when I see it within myself.
Bikers: Ginormous turn off. Even more than the word "ginormous."
Glasses: Very sexy. Love glasses. Love nerds. Love intellectuals. Love people who think their glasses make them look smart.
Power: Second biggest turn on to ambition… and glasses.
European: Depends if they’re circumcised. And depends what part of Europe we’re speaking of. But gut reaction: Turn on. I’m suspecting because I love that there’s so much to learn there, that we can be so different. And I love hearing about customs, about the way people from England don’t date. They can ask for a napkin and sound brilliant. I’m pretty sure "learning" is my biggest turn on, ever.

A YEAR AGO: Estrellas Are Gettin’ Estranged
4 YEARS AGO: You Gotta Have Hart
5 YEARS AGO: 2004 Annual Costume Institute Gala

Comments

  1. FROM THE BOOK THAT SHOULD LIGHT BONFIRES ACROSS AMERICA- "ALL ABOUT US"-
    I should know since I did this very test/part of the demon book tonight. RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quick!!!!!!!!!!
    Be very afraid of this book! I thought I had a incredible relationship with my man. I thought we had been through all the tests of life together pretty fucking young, Cancer, Katrina and losing everything, losing a child, losing family and friends in one fell swoop- but the questions and the way they are phrased sp? They dig at places you don't expect. You hear Shite out of your partner's mouth that is so left field, so nevr, so he did not just say that.
    Here is a thought Campers, maybe it is supposed to be the other way, maybe a thought … or two… is supposed to be kept to one's self.

    Why is Dallas ( where I live post-Katrina)the only city mentioned… and why SK do you think a man is a follower or a conformist if he is a (Priest maybe) Firemen or a Cop? They put there lives at risk for yours 9 out of 10.

    Oh and Bikers- Babydoll…Sons of Anarchy… Jaxs. Yummy! Sometimes Tv streamlines it for us. Just like all stereotpes miss key elements…

    Just a thought from someone who hates that book enough to burn it in their fire pit tonight while having a limoncello cocktail. Cheers.

    PS- Didn't 3teens mention that Couples Therapy was like peeling skin off while you are still alive- APT.

  2. And backlash from the uncircumcised and the women who love them in 3-2-1…

  3. Give me Abba, a european man in uniform or ..well mostly without anything on.
    Lol-ing at prince.

  4. God I hate cop and fireman worship. 90% of them are corrupt (smoke the drugs pocket the cash) or drunks. They get paid well (with illegal perks) for saving lives, and accept the known risks in exchange for the benefits.

  5. ABBA: Turn way the fuck on. As long as I'm in a lesbian mood.

    What the hell? This makes no sense.

  6. A mo? Really?? I hope you aren't teaching these things to your kids. We have enough hatred disguised as humor in this world.

  7. I can't believe I'm asking this, but what is a mo?

    Turn on: make me laugh
    Turn off: not being yourself, pretentious people
    Turn on: people who like to stir the turd, can't help it, love controversy
    Turn off: anyone who doesn't love dogs

  8. Turn on: Redheads
    Turn off: Lack of curiosity
    Turn on: Silence – if someone can be silent with me then I know they are comfortable enough with me to be that way.
    Turn off: Partisanism – either way.
    Turn on: Glasses – the sexy librarian look.

  9. I'll take the bait. In other words, I'd rather do this than my work.

    Shopping: Turn on, if it is for something fun, like clothes, jewelry, etc. Turn off if it is for household crap.

    Mysteries and surprises: Turn on, as long as I don't know they are coming. I like being surprised, but I don't like knowing that there is a surprise coming, i.e., that there is something I'm not in on. Yes, I'm a freak.

    Firemen: Sorry, I simply don't like men in uniform.

    Gossip: A turn on, as long as it's harmless.

    Health Clubs: Turn off.

    Cars: Turn off.

    ABBA: Turn off.

    Beaches: Turn off. I like the idea of them, but don't like the reality.

    Fur: Turn on if it is a small accent. Turn off if it is a full coat. Women in full fur coats look like giant bears.

    Musicals and plays: Turn on. Absolutely love theater.

    Hats: Turn on — on other people. I love them, they just don't look good on me.

    Cigars: Turn on. I love the taste and smell.

    Talk Shows: Turn off. They remind me of being home sick from school and having nothing else to watch. Instant headache.

    Leather: Turn off.

    Gambling: Turn on, while it's fun. Turn off, and seriously, turn it OFF, when losing.

    Ambition: Turn ON.

    Muscles: Turn on in moderation. I like a well toned body, not a giant hulking one.

    Oysters: Turn on. Yum.

    Prince: Turn off. I'm sorry, but I hate his music.

    Gold: Turn on, in small tasteful pieces.

    Freckles: Turn off, unless they are on a 4 year old girl.

    Competition: Turn on, as long as it is fun.

    Bikers: Turn OFF.

    Glasses: Turn on. I was so sad when I husband got his eyes lasered.

    Power: Turn on, as long as it isn't abused.

    European: Food? Turn on. Men? Eh. I can take 'em or leave 'em.

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