things you should never admit

In ALL, MY LISTS by Stephanie Klein26 Comments

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"I want to ride you like a pony at a freak show."

1. I don’t really like you. I just want you to: read my blog, link to my blog, see my one-woman-show, invite me to that party that no one gets invites to, rent my straight-to-DVD movie, read my book, tell your friends about me, pay for my dinner, tell me flattering things to help me get over him.
2. No, it’s true: parents really do have favorites.
3. I don’t wash my hands after making in the bathroom at the movie theater. I just run the water. Pleasure to meet you though.
4. When I have a hard time falling asleep, I imagine I’m lying beside him.
5. I only like you because you pay me to.
6. I watch: The Hills, The City, Real Housewives of Any County
7. I read the Cliff’s Notes instead.A Walk In The Clouds
8. I actually liked "Walk In The Clouds."
9. Incest turns me on.
10. Nope, it’s your ass that makes your ass look fat.
11. I’m totally not listening to you right now.
12. Everyone in my life knows what a total psycho you are.
13. I bought Hootie & The Blowfish’s second album.
14. If you ever die, I’m going to marry her.
15. When you’re away on vacation, I have phone sex with someone else.
16. I would never give you the big piece.
17. I totally love the smell of my own… anything.
18.  really think you’re ugly. You’re nice enough inside, but you’re ugly.
19. I know you let me get away with all I do because you really fear you’ll never do better than me.
20. People who name their daughter "Tammy" must have a missing or extra chromosome.
21. The bridesmaid dresses you picked were absolutely hideous, and the amount of times you gloated that you wouldn’t torture your friends with "hideous" is the amount of suffering everyone endured for you.
22. I don’t think your marriage will last.
23. Your husband is gay.
24. Your husband hit on me.
25. Your husband is cheating on you.
26. I have never liked your smell. It’s why I always try to buy you a new scent.
27. When I woke up with night tremors, it happened because I imagined you became your mother.
28. You totally fooled me, and I never should have said, YES.
29. I can’t feel it.
30. I don’t see us lasting.
31. I hope our kids take after me.
32. You bore me. You’ve always bored me, me and everyone else. People like you because you let them be themselves, not because they like you or anything you have to say.
33. I wouldn’t be with you if you made less money.
34. I wouldn’t be with you if you were, or if you get, fat.
35. When we’re together, I try to think of it as temporary.
36. Well, you’re actually a rebound, too.
37. I "once, twice, three" shoot our future, and when I get that we have one, I do best out of three.

A YEAR AGO: Upside Down
4 YEARS AGO: Thank You
5 YEARS AGO: Bellevue

Comments

  1. I was told 18 on Friday, by a good friend. Sadly, I think 19 is true for us as well…

  2. So we saw your brother kissing another guy last night! Did you know that he was gay??

  3. Don't say 'I'm sick of seeing your jealousy when I talk to your husband. What makes you think he is such a catch anyway? Take off your blinders! I'm quite happy with my own husband who is far better looking and far more interesting anyway'. Been tempted to say that but as my kid likes their kid I don't want to blow it for him.

  4. ha, some of these are pretty specific – the voice of experience??

    "You look really tired" (ie: you look shit)
    This is usually followed by me thinking "funny, I don't feel tired?" then checking the mirror and confirming to self that yes, I look like I usually do – does this mean that I always look shit?

    So now whenever someone says that to me I just say "gee, thanks" with a big sarcastic smile – that's usually enough to let people know they've been rude.

  5. OMG I know. I get this at work all the time! usually when I didn't have time for touche eclat. So then I find myself making up some cock and bull late night drinkathon which just makes me look ugly AND irresponsible.

  6. Haha, I go to the gym at lunch time, and I always take a shower in the locker room, but I don't always bother to put ALL of my makeup back on – usually just a little powder and mascara. EVERY TIME this happens, someone at my office will tell me I look tired. I always say "nope, this is just what I actually look like".

  7. I would love to tell a certain person, "Please stop bombarding me with the details of your reproductive agenda."

  8. Hi, I heard this one yesterday:

    "Really? I always thought you were older."

  9. No. 6 and No. 8 are both true for me. Oops! I never said I had good taste!

  10. "No I will not respect you and yes I am only sleeping with you because I am horny and you looked easy"

  11. Wait, I watch and love all those crap TV shows….they are my favorite shows! They do not belong on the same list as the rest…especially the Tammy one!

  12. You should never say someone else's name while having sex, especially if the someone else is their brother!!

  13. But I do watch The Hills, The City, Real Housewives of Any County". Only I never say it out loud, not even to myself.

    And does it make me rude if I have said few of the points out loud to others?

  14. #3 OMG you said "making" in the bathroom!!! I am absolutely rolling on the floor. You can type the words "incest turns me on" but you can't say pee? Ha! OK wiping happy tears away now.

  15. Man, I get that at work all of the time. Why do they tell me this anyway, it's not very helpful people. I can't instantly fix it or anything. I often respond with "That's because I AM tired" and my stare-of-death. But maybe I should try your way :)

  16. Doesn't everyone love the smell of their own "anything"? I freely admit that. Who doesn't enjoy farting and then sticking their head under the cover?

  17. My boyfriend asked me to marry him and we are. I am hoping for a later summertime wedding but we have not complete much preparation. I’m wondering suggestions about when is the time to buy the wedding dress?

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