In 411 BC, Aristophanes penned the play Lysistrata, a comical account of one woman’s attempt at ending a war. My Greek Tragedy girl Lysistrata persuaded women to withhold sex from their menfolk, hoping the men would conform to their wishes. Had there been credit cards, surely she’d have also suggested they get even "the old fashioned way." In a long detailed oath, over wine (most likely getting "porch drunk") women agreed, vowing not to "crouch like the lioness on the cheese grater."
I need to take a moment. There are certain things you can learn in a writing class: when not to use an adverb, the significance of a name, and even the formula to story and plot. But you can’t learn that. You can’t learn to see things as a poet might, to describe things in a way that make no sense, and by doing so, happen to make sense. You just can’t. That’s raw talent, and no matter how well-read, how practiced and knowledgeable, how many hallucinogenics and crazy LOST time jumps are involved, it’s not something you learn; it’s something you have.
Leaving the "crouching" aspect out of this for a moment, when I hear the phrase "the lioness on the cheese grater," I begin to wonder what the writing exercise might have been. What might the brainstorming chalkboard have looked like in that conference room?
Parmesan. Fine grate. Feline grate. Feline "greater." The Circle of Life.
Then I hear the theme song to The Lion King. I think of cubs. Of a mama licking her cubs. Of big goofy paws, the way you can tell how big a puppy will grow. And then I think of the potty. I can’t help but go there. It’s the word "crouch." It’s the kissing cousin of "squat." And then I think it might involve defecating on a man’s chest. And then "cutting the cheese" begins to make some sense. Aristophanes was a naughty boy who spent too much time in the outhouse. Or, um, it’s just me.
Aristophanes could’ve had Lysistrata deliver a general message of "Hold out, bitches!" It would have sufficed, surely, but how very "milk and water" that would’ve been. But "the lioness on the cheese grater?" That’s about as awesome as it gets. I can only strive for colorful turns of phrase like that. I need to get back to my Greek Tragedy roots, here.
When a man had an erection, back in the BC, it was considered "a prodigious burden." As in, "Oh, dear, notice my loincloth poking about? Never you mind my large thick burden." Whereas today, I think men have "the burden of proof", and so very often, dig for said proof in the bottom of an orange cylinder. This might be different, if only we women were to bring "the crouching lioness on the cheese grater" back in vogue. How, dare I ask, am I going to ever top that?
I’m disturbed. I know. Even now, when singing "On Top of Spaghetti" to my sprouts, I can’t help but think sick, alarming thoughts about meatballs.
April 6, 2009 at 5:22 am
Crouching on a cheese grater sounds painful! My thought-trail was more like: grater – grating – stubble – shaven men parts with a 5 o clock shade?
April 6, 2009 at 9:20 am
Lordy, what translation do you have?? I've read this play about a million times including a term paper on it in college and I do not recall that phrase at all. Yours sounds like a funnier edition than mine.
April 6, 2009 at 9:55 am
I suspect that classical athenian cheese graters were shaped very differently than our modern ones, and maybe the use of the word "cheese grater" was a guaranteed audience pleaser — like dildo or the like. Or else it's a really crappy translation.
Did you know that classical athens abounded in architectural dicks? Apparently, phallic symbolism — or not even symbolism, just stone & marble penises — were everywhere. I'm thinking of adding a wooden dick (woodie, heh heh) to our house facade and telling people it's Greek Revival.
December 10, 2009 at 12:43 am
I don’t get anything more out of the line “lioness on the cheese grater” then the women being on top. Was the culture that slow to where that would be deified?
August 25, 2010 at 1:31 am
My highschool edition informs us in the footnotes that a lionness crouched on a cheese grater is a person standing, bending over the bed, like a crouched cat. So It’s not women on top
April 6, 2009 at 10:52 am
Ouch! This is a testament for all women to praise the tube they call K.Y. I think they may have used that phrasing to make it easier for women to withhold. Here's one I thought of "riding a vomiting arrow."
April 6, 2009 at 10:55 am
"Oh, dear, notice my loincloth poking about? Never you mind my large thick burden."
I'm at work and that just made me snort at my desk, resulting in several co-workers giving me strange looks. Hahaha =]
April 6, 2009 at 11:08 am
They had cheese graters in 411 BC?
April 6, 2009 at 11:25 am
Now, the “crouch like the lioness” is easy, and a fave position, but with “cheese grater” I go to parmigiano reggiano then stinky cheese and on to discharge and unpleasant odor.
Break out the Summer’s Eve,
April 6, 2009 at 12:24 pm
No. Crouch which conjurs up crotch..then cheese gets involved? Dry heaves.
April 6, 2009 at 5:33 pm
http://books.google.com/books?id=6xl6nZbwWhsC&pg=PA17&lpg=PA17&dq=%22crouch+like+a+lioness%22&source=bl&ots=4aCvPLN6KJ&sig=Z2lCQF9w5zhse2XXoswWNcU7ij8&hl=en&ei=lnTaSbK5A5DWlQezodTODA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=4
THat long address links to Google books Lysistrata, at the quote referenced.
April 5, 2010 at 2:06 pm
It all sounds complicated where can i find out more about it as i am doin lysistrata in a show n ever sice i came across ths i wanted to know what thhe hell it is lol….any help? x
October 6, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Aristophanes was a woman, not a naughty boy.
and I imagined it more like crouching over a man (so woman on top) and the grinding movement back and forth of sex being like a cheese grater…
October 8, 2010 at 3:26 pm
She had a pretty intense beard for a woman.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aristophanes
October 10, 2010 at 8:12 pm
sorry, i was mistaken. aristophanes was a man, i was very mixed up with another play i’m currently reading
March 2, 2011 at 5:31 pm
Cheesegrater, crouching… Lioness…doggy or the reverse cowgirl, right?
But yes, how can this be topped?
Excellent play.