Grass greener. It’s what I got out of watching tonight’s "After The Final Rose Ceremony." Six weeks ago, bachelor Jason Mesnick got down on bended knee and proposed to Melissa Rycroft, after sending Molly Malaney home in tears (which she SWORE she wouldn’t do!) And that episode aired tonight. Six weeks later, the aftermath aired immediately after the accepted proposal. What happened "now that the charmings are together and the cameras are off?" They’re off.
Jason ended things with Melissa during the "aftermath" episode, saying he tried to make it work, spent all those holidays with Melissa, tried to put Molly out of his head, but that he just couldn’t. And all I can think is, of course you couldn’t. This is the least romantic thing I can do outside a bathroom, but I’ve got to say it. I think if you did this exact "experiment" with anyone, it would end this way. I don’t believe in one person made for one person. I believe there are many people meant for many people, and it’s all about making it work.
We want what we can’t have. We glamorize it, and think, whether it’s from time to time or more regularly, that it might have been better with someone else. We "what if" because it’s human nature, and because it provides us an escape from our realities. Quite frankly, sometimes the idea that there’s someone else who is in love with you, allows you to stay where you are. You see them as a security blanket, that person you might just end up with, so you’re actually able to stay where you are, working on things, because you have this escape, this possibility, this "what if." Except if we get to play out that "what if" fantasy, it almost always leaves us with regrets. "Why didn’t I appreciate what we had all along? Why did I idealize this? What a mistake."
In Jason’s case, he wanted both women, and I believe whether he chose Molly or Melissa, once they were home on the sofa together, he’d think of the other. Surely if you look at the other bachelors there must be instances where the bachelor or bachelorette (ie. DeAnna), second guessed themselves, wondering if it would have worked if s/he’d chosen differently.
I think people hold on to the "what if" when it really was a close call, where you could just as easily see your life playing out happily with another, especially when things get hard. It’s why this passage made it into Straight Up And Dirty:
It’s hard to leave a history and watch other people date yours. Some people are aces at it; it seems more of their best friends are exes than not. When I first met a man who told me his best friend was an ex of his, I held my breath a little. The “count to ten” carried me past irrational, and I was left to exhale and fake a smile. "It didn’t work out for a reason" I chanted as I gulped espresso and cream. "Hopefully the reason wasn’t timing. What if now is their timing?" Then I picked the polish off my new manicure and headed back to my own pantry of past men.
If you’re that intimately involved with two people, I think a part of you ALWAYS wonders if you made the right choice. And if you were to ever have a chance with the "one who got away," I believe it would never be able to stand up to all you’d hoped it would be. There’d be disappointments there, too. Fights, spite, anger, or a loss of passion you were sure you’d always have. It’s why you have to appreciate what’s in front of you and try to make it work, even if that work is with you.
ONE LAST THING: I wish Molly had said to Jason, "If you’re capable of doing this to Molly, what’s going to stop you from doing the same thing to me?" To which he’d have to respond, if he’s being honest, "I don’t know." Because until you see what happens, and quite frankly, even twenty years down the line: people change their minds. There are no guarantees. And the worst of it is, you can’t protect yourself from it. There’s no percaution you can really take, to avoid the hurt, other than filling your life with other rich experiences outside your romantic relationship. So your WHOLE WORLD won’t be gone, just a big part of it.
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I feel like such an uber-geek going this in-depth into it, but I think he got thrown off by what Dianna said when she came to randomly visit/try to win him back?? She said that she should have gone with safe but long-term over fun and wild, and that he should too. She sort of made it equivalent that if he picked Melissa, it was like picking himself when he was on the Bachelorette.
But I agree that he could have been happy with many of the top women, it just comes down to who you meet in your life and when.
Amen, sistah. I've been (on more than one occasion) the girl "left behind" and DAMN if those boys don't come knocking every few years like clockwork, usually looking for a big ego stroke. Still.
I thought that this season of The Bachelor was a lot better than the last couple of seasons had been. Jason seemed like such a good guy… until the end. Or maybe he was "more real" and that's why he admitted that it didn't work in the "After the Final Rose" show. He seemed as if he was really doing it for "the right reasons" as they like to say on the show. I kind of wish that Molly had been bitter and refused to give him a second chance — would have served him right. Also, I wonder if Jason had broken up with Melissa before the "After the Final Rose" show because she held it together quite well… I really hope they had talked things over beforehand because if not that's just too cruel.
As you're a Bachelor fan, you may be interested in these 2 blog posts I have done on my travel blog about where they went in beautiful New Zealand…
They were in Queenstown on the South Island in the second-to-last episode:
http://www.travelogged.com/travelogged/2009/02/the-bachelor-goes-to-new-zealand.html
Then they went up north to Bay of Islands for the finale:
http://www.travelogged.com/travelogged/2009/03/the-bachelor-proposes-in-new-zealand.html
Thanks for that. It really hit home for me at a perfect time in my life/marriage. Marriage is hard…
While I've not been intimately involved with two people since becoming a mature adult, I agree 200% with this:
"I don't believe in one person made for one person. I believe there are many people meant for many people, and it's all about making it work."
I've blogged (and prattled on endlessly to my patient friends and family) about this very thing so many times. Love is always – always – a choice. And thinking that someone isn't right for you (generic you) because you don't love them every second of every day is immature and destined to leave you always looking for a greener pasture.
Or it's fakety fake fake.
The point remains though…absolutely human nature to play 'what if'. Constantly. Unfortunately it brings needless pain and keeps me from enjoying my abundant blessings. Sometimes I hate human nature.
this post reminded me of a colleague that I have.She wears a ring from a fiance that's in London. She treats him like shit. She told me she was going to marry him but if circumstances would have been different she would have married her best friend (guy), whose already married. She told me she can't be a romantic with her best friend, because she can't find it in her to be. Besides her fiance just being stupid, because he deserves better, it pains me to see how dumb people are.
More often than not I agree with you. Today I don't. I remember reading that passage in your book, because I am best friends with my ex.
We both know we're not right for each other, but we still love each other (as friends). He hears (and sometimes meets) the men I date and vice versa. No amount of timing will change the fact that we are never going to be together. It's very difficult for people to understand that and it's not the best situation all the time, but cutting all ties would have been a worse one. I never wonder if I made the right choice; I know I did.
FROM SK: It's never simple, but I'm glad it's so clear cut for you. I felt the exact same way with my best guy friend. We shared date stories, helped each other think of creative sweet things to do for our significant others. We both got involved in series relationships, again, and through it all, we were fine, until we weren't. Until I was close to getting engaged. Then everything changed, and now we're no longer friends… something I thought would NEVER happen.
Very well said. All of it. Thanks for that.
Stephanie, thanks so much for blogging about this! I only caught a few episodes and was curious as to how it all worked out…
I dont think I agree completely. I do buy into the fact that someone is made for you. I fully believe that God created someone for each of us, and I wont go all deep on it; but the man I"m with now; we both know its for always and there isnt anyone else for us.
Doesnt make it easy, every 'vocation' (call to marriage or religious life etc) is going to have hard times. Without the storms we dont appreciate the rainbows. Its all about the commitment; the strength to follow through and believe in the decision.
I dont believe there is anyone else for me. If I were to be dumb enough to leave, there would be someone else I would meet and I could make it work. it wouldnt be everything, it would be settling for something.
And I think we wonder and 'what if' because sometimes we arent strong enough or vulnerable enough and just too 'walled' to trust it.
AMEN, SISTER.
and for me the wanting what we cant have can become a BACKDROP to life.
From food (Im on a diet!) to friends (Why did she ditch me?!) to work (I wish I had chosen career path xyz) to mates.
and that's no way to live, huh?
I don't know if it's true for everybody, but I think it is for me, and mainly because I don't ask a lot of a guy. I'm incredibly independent and know how to be happy on my own, and I think that makes it really easy to see how you could be happy together with a lot of different people. My husband is a wonderful man, and I love him with all my heart. I know that doesn't mean that I would never have been happy with anyone else, but on the other hand, now that I've found him, I know I'd never be able to keep myself from comparing everyone else to him.
I'm not sure it is that much of a shocker when people who want to have their dating life chronicled by a television network turn out to be shallow. It's like finding out that a member of a terrorist cell has anger management issues. I wouldn't call that a surprising twist.
FROM SK: Who said anything about shallow?
I couldn't disagree more…but I understand that if you actually watch the Bachelor, you don't think there is one person for everyone since there is a TV network determining who makes up the 'bachelor's' pool of candidates. Fate, destiny and even your own preferences are pretty much out the window. It's such a ridiculous show I can't believe it causes anyone to examine anything other than how absolutely moronic it is.
The after-show was total B.S. I know all these shows are scripted but geez, my 4 yr old son's performance in his pre-school play, as the wind, was more believable. The script gets a B, but the execution was a complete (F)ailure.
Now, on to Deanna's advice…don't follow your heart, LEAD your heart. Uhhh, riigghttt. Did you see the look of confusion on Jason's face when she goes on to say she followed her heart when she chose the other guy…hahaha. She had time to think of a clever, thought provoking quote before speaking in front of millions of viewers and THAT is what she chose to share?!?!? Hilarious.
Jillian: Sometimes we don't understand our blessings until later.
I didn't watch this season of The Bachelor but I have watched clips of last nights show online today.
This guy is just unbelievable and full of himself. He is totally doing the "grass may be greener on the other side" thing.
Relationships and marriage are hard work and that's why so many of them fail today. Most people just are willing to try and it's easier to just break-up or get divorced.
I watched The Bachelor faithfully for the first few years but when NONE of them stayed together after it was over I just couldn't justify wasting my time watching the show when I knew what the end result would be.
It makes me wonder though what the secret is to Trista and Ryan staying together. I guess they really do love each other and are willing to do whatever it takes to make their relationship work. Too bad none of the other bachelor/bachelorettes can say that!!!!
Am I the only one who thought Molly looked pregnant last night during the reunion show? Her face looked a little chubbier. What’s your take on that?
I had the "grass is greener" thought last night as well. I especially agree on the question Molly SHOULD have asked. "If your capable of doing this to Melissa, what's going to stop you from doing this to me?"
So many people think that love is a fairy tale that simply happens when you meet THE ONE and, instead of owning up to what really caused the demise of so many relationships, people rationalize it away by saying, "It's because that person wasn't THE ONE." It's the easy way out.
There are definitely people who aren't right for each other, but there are so many you can build a relationship with. I agree with the above comment that said love is always a choice. Love IS a choice. Love is also a verb, an action. Anything worthwhile takes work and that includes relationships and marriage. You're either moving forward or you're moving backward, you don't get to sit in the middle.
Issue with the Bachelor: The entire show is spent doing extravagent things which are fun and makes for a good show, but unrealistic. Everyday life is a lot less glamorous. No wonder these people have a hard time settling back into reality.
Jason, OF COURSE it's different. What did you expect?
I really didn't think people took this show seriously. Its tv!!! Reality tv is not real anymore. One serious couple from all the Bachelor and Bachelorette shows – not very good odds.
What if? – can drive you insane. Just try to make the best choice you can with the information you have. That's all you can do.
Oops…..I just re-read my comment and that sentence should be…
Many people just AREN'T willing to try and it's easier to just break-up or get divorced.
Hi, Steph. Sorry, I haven't commented in for forever. I have so little time nowadays. I try to read all your posts, though, through the rss. Love me some rss.
Loved the post.
Your last paragraph confused me. Did you mean you wish Melissa had said that? Oh, and is percaution a word?
TRUE. THAT. AH! I wish Molly would've said the same thing….and I think Jason is a tool, I think Molly is a tool also but I've been Molly- You want to say yes. YOU WANT TO GET YOUR HEART RIPPED OUT OF YOUR CHEST….one last time, oterhwise it's what if?
I don't usually watch this show but there was nothing on TV (God forbid I read a book or something) and for the love of Pete – what a weird show. Is it hard to find love? Yes, sometimes. I am immensely and eternally grateful to have met and married my wonderful, loving, sweetheart husband. I am so glad to not have to go lookin' for love on a crappy TV show – I find it hard to believe that that is really what these people are looking for – I think, more likely, they are looking for the chance to wear a bikini on TV and get their 15 minutes of fame. And how in the world could you truly be in touch with what you are feeling with a bunch of cameras in your face and some guy sitting in the chair next to you interviewing the two of you? Bizarro.
How about this? If you set yourself up to consciously fall for two people at once, with the intention to choose one, you've set yourself up to fail with both of them. You aren't giving your entire self to anyone and isn't that the point of this thing called marriage? I often wonder if we ever really know if there is a "ONE" and if and when we've truly found them… and agree that there are many people that could be right for us. And "what if" is truly a devastating game to play. It's unavoidable but if I could control it, I'd avoid it.
Right on, sister! You go – this is so true. Amen to all of it!
still, he was a complete and utter ASS the way he went about it. IMHO.
Did you mean you wish Melissa had said that? Oh, and is percaution a word?
Posted by: J | Mar 3, 2009 5:55:21 PM
____
Hey, jackass, it's called a typo. You know she probably meant 'precaution'. Does it make you feel smug to be obnoxious about correcting someone on something so insignificant as a typo? And I'm sure SK didn't even notice that you 'haven't commented in a while' and she wasn't losing sleep over it. Insane.
I'm glad you blogged about this. I was so for having Jason being the Bachelor. I watched the last 3 shows of DeAnna's season and my daughter (divorced from a party guy) was screaming at the tv, "Don't pick the snowboarder! Don't pick the snowboarder!" So I was reeled back in, like a big fat catfish and I watched much of this season.
Until the last couple of shows, I was in Jason's corner 100%. I felt he had a connection (ha) with Molly early on. What I want to say IS – there is no WAY you can be having romantic 2nd base (3rd base, whatever) love, making out, hearing those love words, seeing the glamour, feeling on top of the world, everyone at their best and most shiny – and THEN go propose sincerely, maturely and honestly to one of the two girls. NO WAY.
Passion doesn't disappear in 5 hours. The lure of someone saying "I love you" is strong and really….almost irresistable. I agree that DeAnna words probably swayed Jason's feelings on who to pick. But…in the end…Jason was a tool like a lot of guys. He's loving the fame, the Jimmy Kimmel, the attention. I think he's even loving the drama. I'm done with the Bachelor for awhile, won't say forever, but not interested to see another season any time soon.
I couldn't agree more with you!
modern societies doesn't allow more wives. i can imagine why in the ancient this was sometimes popular. because it is somewhat human nature.
Great post, but its a bit long and most people like short and sweet posts!