I’ve been listening to Meredith Brooks’s "Bitch" on repeat today. It’s not that I think I’m a bitch or that I’m one of those women who takes some kind of pride and power in calling herself a bitch, as if it’s something to rise to, a quality worth respecting. Like saying you’re a republican. Yes, I believe in giving, in doing, in donating, in helping. This is not a post about what we do. It’s about an attitude that makes us feel like we can accomplish anything, with honey, or so be it, vinegar. It’s powerful. Makes you want to dab some vagina behind your ears and go sit at a hotel bar. I’m a sinner and a saint, can wear black lace or pull a white hermes scarf through my hair. I can be beligerent and grab a guy by the little jack horner at a bar, tell him he bores me, tell him I’d fuck him if he weren’t wearing those uglyass loafers. I can vamp it up or play at polite and priss, handwritten thank you notes on ecru stationery. I am a hell and a dream, a mess of a finger painting, a shitty dancer who doesn’t give a shit. I get what I want and give it good. I can’t think of a more empowering song.
There are plenty of nice people in the world. They should go be nice elsewhere. Life’s too short for nice. Meredith, with all due respect, the song needs a slight update. We need a song with the very same "fuck off, this is me" attitude, but it needs to be about living our own lives, on our terms, and you’ve gotta call it "Brave." There’s actually nothing more exciting and intriguing.
I’m still the kind of girl who’ll wear a shirt that says "It’s all about me." NOTHING pisses people off more than that sentiment. Someone who’s not going to settle, who’s going to get her way, put her needs first. Someone who believes her own needs and wants are just as important as everyone else’s, except she’s, ultimately, the only one responsible for making sure hers are met, and dammit, that is exactly what I’m going to do. Watch the fuck out.
My questions and answers post will be addressed, as there are still outstanding questions for me to answer. Yes, I will update today. The problem is that I’m on deadline today. So after I’ve handed in my outline, I will answer a bunch of those questions! A promise is a promise. As for this post…
Ever just feel so agreeable, so willing to do what others want that you forgot to even consider what you wanted? I got to a place where I was so busy trying to please everyone that I stopped pleasing me. It’s why I cranked up Meredith and channeled my old self, the single girl I was in her one bedroom apartment, who wore a shirt embracing the power of her own wants. Sometimes I need reminders to stand up for myself and what I believe, especially when I know others aren’t going to like it.
I once had a co-worker who told me when he was in situations where he didn’t know what to do, he’d ask himself, "What would Stephanie do?" I was blown away and quite flattered that he thought that way about me, since I always considered myself indecisive and not strong enough. But now, when I don’t know what to do, I don’t ask what would this one do or that one? I ask, what would I have done back when I was fed up with all the bullshit? I ask my former self, and I can only hope that one day in the future I’ll be doing the same thing, remembering that time I stood up and did what was hard but what was honest. And I hope that time I’m remembering is NOW.