more moments like these

In ALL, ILLNESS, MARRIAGEby Stephanie Klein51 Comments

Stephanie Klein Phil Beer

"I hope we have more moments like these," he said. They’re the words I’ve instinctively come to associate with dating. That, and "we need to talk." Of the former, though, I can’t help but think of beginnings, not endings. When that guy I liked pushed hard for plans, through IMs, emails, texts, and dare I say it, phone calls, I felt flattered. I loved being wooed. He was persistent, always inviting me to events, even, I imagine, where he didn’t have an extra ticket. He always lead me to believe that, for me, he’d make something happen, somehow. He’d pull strings, or cut them, if it meant we could spend time together. "What are you up to tonight?" was never really asked in passing, and as determined as he was to make us an us, he’d sometimes come in quiet, with soft steps, and a simple string of words: I hope we have more moments like these. I don’t remember the moments he’d said it, but I imagine it was on a photography non-date, or, if I know him, right after a goodnight kiss, where I was in the habit of racing off back home, fleeing any type of intimacy. He always let me know that he wanted more.

The other night, I asked him to show me exactly how to de-shell a lobster, step-by-step, where to crack, where to cut, which joints to twist. "No, not like that, like this," he said putting his hands over mine. They’re the hands that hold my children. "That’s it," he said as I successfully managed to ease the last of it from its shell. Then he stepped away, cleaned his hands, and took his medicine. I watched as he jerked his head back to help with the swallowing. He sighed, then added, "I hope we get to have more moments like these." And I hated that the meaning somehow changed.

Comments

  1. Oh stephanie. I'm still really praying for you all.
    I'm glad that you can be honest with us (and each other). It is still about new beginnings.

    More moments of intimacy, more moments of closeness. More moments of love. Because it will all be fine, and as cliche as it is; after this storm you'll have some beautiful rainbows.

  2. I just started reading your blog since the BlogHer Conference -don't remember which blogger I had been reading had pointed me in your direction, but I'm glad they did as I have been enjoying your posts, your writing, style and especially the sentiments expressed lately with your husband's health issues. I can grasp exactly what your meaning is today in this post and gotta tell you this -Have faith that things will return to normal. Sometimes, that's all we have to hold on to when our thoughts go racing off in other directions, bring us to terms with a crisis.

  3. You are amazing me with your ability to write this beautifully; this clearly; this heartbreakingly; while going through such stress.

    Still keeping you and your family in my thoughts and wishing for the absolute best news on Thursday.

  4. My heart and my prayers go out to you and your family. I am just one of your millions of admirers but I have followed your writtings for the past two years. That somehow makes me feel like I know you and it breaks my heart to "watch" you go thru this. You and Phil made it thru Lucas's medical issues and you will make it thru this too. I, like most of your fans, I am sure, wish we could lift this burden for you.

  5. My heart and my prayers go out to you and your family. I am just one of your millions of admirers but I have followed your writtings for the past two years. That somehow makes me feel like I know you and it breaks my heart to "watch" you go thru this. You and Phil made it thru Lucas's medical issues and you will make it thru this too. I, like most of your fans, I am sure, wish we could lift this burden for you.

  6. You will have more moments like these. You will cherish those moments even more. The meaning has changed, but in a way that reminds you to love and love hard.

  7. My heart is literally aching for you. I cannot imagine the pain you feel. Just know that we are all praying for you. I am a nurse on a Cardiac unit, if there are any questions you need answered please e-mail me!

  8. My 16 year old daughter just came home from a harrowing trip with an entirely new perspective. I was holding her in a tight hug as she was getting ready for bed last night, and she said 'mom, I just never realized how fortunate I am. I never realized how blessed we are. Thank you for making it happen.'

    It's those times – and times like what you're going through – those subtle paradigm shifts in the universe that make us refocus, reassess and be grateful for those things we've taken for granted.

  9. I am so glad Phil is home and you two are having this time together. You're doing an amazing job of holding yourself together "until Thursday." I'd be a basketcase.

  10. Stephanie-

    Blessings to you all…

    This brought tears to my eyes, I wish I was there to hug you.

    Jen

  11. And AGAIN you made me cry. Im not a cryer either!

    "These are the hands that hold my children"

    Simply beautiful.
    And I love that he showed you how to crack open your lobster. Ive shown every bf Ive ever had how to crack open crab legs and it never stuck so this tickled me.
    Enjoy your day, Stephanie :)

  12. I got chills as I read to the end of this post. The last line got me. You have such power and emotion in your writing.
    What a wonderful post. It amazes me that you are able to write so much through this difficult time. But I am sure it is healing you along the way.
    Such a special moment, the kind that most people miss. Hold on to all these moments and cherish them.
    I wish you both many more special moments….

  13. oh, steph, my heart aches for you, sweetie! I can only imagine what you are feeling right now. I know you are trying to be strong, just know that all of us out here feel your pain. You are surrounded by thousands of "your girls" who are wrapping our arms around you and Phil. There is so much power in positive thought, I really do believe that. So, keep baking, or maybe sit and scrapbook next to him, laughing is the best medicine by far. We will be here waiting for updates. Give lots of kisses!

  14. The meaning changed significantly, but in a GOOD way if you ask me — true, it's filled with fear and concern, but it is REAL… not an effort to force intimacy or try to "lock it down" in terms of your future… it's filled with the confidence and certainty that those moments will be together, that you trust, love, and adore each other… that you'll be together through it all, even the tough times.

    Raw and real and scary and beautiful.

    Hugs,
    Jessica

  15. These moments become more precious when we recognize how tentative our hold on them is. Raise a glass of sparkling cider to joy. Pure joy.

  16. You will have many, many more moments like this – cherish them as they come.

  17. Best of luck to you, Phil, Stephanie Abigail and Lucas. There are tons of us cheering for Phil and your family.

  18. The past number of posts have been so beautiful, full of such raw emotion and love. It makes me reflect on my own life and relationship and want to go home tonight and just "be near" as my boyfriend puts it.

    I pray for you and Phil and your family that you'll all be safe and well. I know that your love for each other will see you through this.

  19. Are you serious Mrs. Klein? You are married to this man and he loves you. I loved your writing for its selfishness; you were single then and talking about real issues most of us know well. But now you are married, two kids, a husband who loves you. I think it's time to grow up, your not that alone little girl anymore. You have what you wrote you wanted in your first book. What more could you ask for? Your family is obviously not struggling, hardships are few and in between, yes your son has been hard for you both but Stephanie, that is life. Life does these things to you so that you learn and grow. It doesn't really get easier, other things will always come up. What happens is that you learn new ways to deal with the stuff when it happens so that you might keep your sanity. Grow up Stephanie, your not is Oz anymore.

  20. I'm so sorry that you both have to be going through all this stress right now, and on your behalf I really hope and trust that soon, the days come when you are beyond this episode and back to living normal life, with even more appreciation for it.

  21. I so did not respond at all or understand the above comment to your post…I felt the warmth and love in your relationship and the thoughts of fear with what's going on. Hugs. It's so sweet how much love you share.

  22. Oh wow. I was struck by the sentiment in your post and then slapped in the face by the commenter above me when I came to comment.

    I'm not going to go off on her because that's pointless, really. It just made me sad to have a heartbreakingly stark and honest expression of emotion flipped off like that.

    I think most of us get exactly what you were saying and recognize it as a reflection of your evolving and continued love at a time when things are uncertain.

  23. beautiful. you're growing together. and i'm sorry, sorry that it hurts, but so hopeful that you will. you will have many, many more moments just like that.

  24. It really reminds me to really treasure each and every moment my husband and I have, no matter how dull they might seem at the time. =)

  25. Estella Burrows- Stephanie's husband is ill. He was rushed to the hospital and had a pacemaker implanted- and he's not out of the woods yet. Did you miss that? Either way, you REALLY missed the point.

    Stephanie- this was lovely and poignant. Hang in there.

  26. Stephanie,

    I found you after Heather @ Dooce mentioned you… and you have been a gift to me. Truly more than words can express… I am trying to rebuild my life after ending my 16 year marriage… and I wish I could articulate the deep way your words have been like oxygen to me…

    I have been through days like what you experiencing right now… pins and needles would be more fun! You are not alone… Thank you for exposing your life, and for every asshole who puts the hate out, there are SO MANY more who love and cherish your honesty and your candor.

    Hang in there gorgeous!

  27. My heart breaks for you, your family, and Phil's broken heart. After all you've been through, this is nothing but unfair. Sending good thoughts and many prayers your way.

  28. stephanie,
    you realize that this "estella" person just posts BS to get a rise out of you, and your readers. like a prank-blog poster. just ignore.
    you will get through this tough stage, as you did the others, we are all on your side. sometimes it seems life adheres to the laws of physics (or roller coasters) all too precisely, when you go way up, then you must come way down……. thank G-d you have had your way ups, keep praying during those way downs. i truly believe from personal experience (and most would call me a skeptic) that prayer, somehow, works. again, maybe physics.

  29. No lobster for you, Estella! And no espresso from Stephanie's cool new machine, either. You can just drive down to the Mobilmart and get your nasty self a plastic wrapped tuna sandwich, a cup of some 3 hour old weak ass coffee, and a gas station pastry and think about us, drinking from those cute little cups and taking dainty bites of something Stephanie baked yesterday, with our lips still a bit greasy from the lobster dipping butter.

    & I hope that feast gives you a major case of the farts in front of people who already think you suck.

  30. Yes, yes, yes – you will have more. Stay positive and stay funny for your sweetie you are doing a wonderful job!

  31. Lovely, just gorgeous.
    That's what life is really about. Why does it always seem to take threats to our existence to make us see them? Yes, the meaning has changed. Yet, it means sooooo much more. You have each other, now, at this moment, and you're both feeling every single moment of time… no doubt waiting until Thursday when the news will surely be, 'all is ok' (that's my hope for you anyway) I've taken today to just 'be'. Truly. No laundry, no phone calls, no bills. Nothing. Just me and my children doing nothing. Well, only doing whatever moved us at the moment. Mac-n-cheese, Nemo, sitting poolside, snuggling, pajamas, chocolate milk and wine for Mommy. I don't care about the state of my house, the mess in the kitchen, or whether we've all brushed our teeth today.

    These are the days I will never regret and I've learned to treasure above all else. More than a McMansion, filet mignon, manicures, or what the Jones' think. I'm imagining what I would want if I had no tomorrow and really, it's moments like this. Nothing else matters.

    May you have many, many more… not just until Thursday.

    Thinking good thoughts and sending prayers for your family.

  32. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Phil and your family. I'm sure he will be fine. Love this post.

  33. 3 teens' mom — She & Canadian Betty are a special kind of crazy, aren't they? Child having spinal surgery? Husband having open heart procedure? What a fine time to crap all over you.

  34. Is Estelle B related to Betty from Canada? Their post are startlingly alike in there asinine-ness. All the best Phil and SK!

  35. Met you at the CheesburgHer party in SF– it is unbelievable how quickly things can change.
    I admire you for choosing NOT to live in a Greek tragedy, but to face this head-on, with courage and humor– and fear and hope, and every other emotion that runs through your heart at any given moment since this whole thing began. Write it, yell it, hell, SING it if you need to, but know that there are people out here that honestly care what happens to you and your family, who are praying for all of you and waiting with you until Thursday. And we'll be here when you wake up on Friday, too.

  36. I've only caught up on your last week of posts, but your husband's illness sounds similar to what my dad has been going through. He's very healthy though has some genetic defect and keeps having to go into the hospital to rejig his heart, medication, pacemaker. It's a big pain, extremely nerve-wracking but there are fabulous docs out there. I will keep your family in my prayers.

    You rock, Stephanie!

  37. I've lurked a long time, but your most recent blogs have made me come out of the shadows. I hope you have many more times like that as well, and I am praying for you and your family.

  38. It’s amazing that we can feel so attached, caring and empathetic to a name, words and photos on the screen…I love that there are so many prayers going out for Phil and your family…and add mine to them. I know you don’t always feel compelled to post an update and I don’t blame you. So whether you do or you don’t, we all continue to keep Phil in our thoughts and prayers.

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