grimalkin and cilantro stew

In ALL, DATING & MATING, MOVIES by Stephanie Klein50 Comments

"I know this girl, and she’d be perfect for you," I said to a single man-friend, "except, she has a cat." Normally, I’d never include such information, but I’ve wised up and realize today’s man, as eager as he might seem to settle down, is still full of excuses not to.
"What do you mean she’d be perfect for me? If she owns a cat, that’s impossible. Even if she were willing to send the cat back where it came from, like Hades, the fact that she took it in to begin with, says enough." That she has a big heart and loves to cuddle? "It says she’s not for me, or any other normal guy. A guy who admits to liking cats is just not right in the head."
"Robert De Niro, in that Ben Stiller movie, you know Focker."
"’Meet the Parents,’ and let me stop you there. That was a line in a movie. He was paid to say that crap about cats making you work for their affections, that dogs are easy. The truth is, cats are stuck up and have a sense of entitlement, and the people who like them are worse. And I don’t believe those people who say they love both. If they have a cat and dog in their house, it’s always because the spouse forced them into the cat. It’s like those people who like cilantro. It’s just one of those things. Either you love it, or you hate it. There’s no middle ground."
"Forget it then. I don’t know what I was thinking. I bet she takes baths, too." I knew this would really set him off.
"I bet she has incense in her house, and one of those holders for it, like mini skis."
"And she listens to Sade on repeat and puts too many pillows on the bed. And she’s into needlepoint. I get it."
"She better have incense. Cat litter and all."
"Seriously, you really don’t want to meet her just because she has a cat?!"
"You just don’t get it, do you? It’s because you’re a chick. Women with cats are their own kind of crazy. It’s like you half-Jews. Yeah, yeah, I know, you were raised Jewish, can read Hebrew. But you know what? Every single halvesy I know is nuts, but they’re all good in bed, so you can put the knife down."

You’re either a bath person or a shower person. That, I get. You might do both–a shower out of necessity, even though you’d favor a bath. I’m not much of a bath girl, but I love the idea of soaps, of soaking the dead skin off, rolling it from beneath my nails as I scrape it off. Push back cuticles and grate all your callouses off. The big ideas come in the bath.

The night after the conversation with my friend, I took a bath. I didn’t light a candle or play music, but liquid soap was invited. I watched the runnels of cloudy water, streams, really. They looked like a village, the kind you see from up above, or in a video game, where you’ll soon need to pick your best players and armor to fight a cyclopes.  Then the water looked like ocean cream, and the peak of my breast poking out was an iceberg, the great mass of me underneath the water, unforeseeable. It’s nice to sometimes see yourself that way, as a ringer. When I dried off, I dialed my friend. "I didn’t mention that she’s a 34H, and all natural." I expected that he’d say, "why didn’t you say so in the first place?" Instead he replied, "It’s like I told you, it doesn’t matter how much she’s got going for her. It’s too much to handle a woman with two pussies."

Then I took a shower.

Comments

  1. I am anti-cats too. I should really, really not expand on that, because it will hurt and offend cat-people. Suffice it to say, tell your friend I'm a full Jew and a dog person.

  2. Stephanie, that's just crazy talk! I love cats & dogs and showers & baths. It works for me. This guy has commitment problems. Love Ben Stiller, that crazy Focker! Also the adorable twins that played the baby who knew sign language.

  3. This post is just stupid. No wonder your friend is single. Also? 34H is disgusting. Anyone with a chest that large probably weighs 350 pounds. I don't know one person who would actually find that appealing.

  4. I know some cats who would be happy to yak up hairballs in this dude's slippers. And a huge jowly dog who would gladly encase him in drool & fur with one good shake. Tell him to come over to my place for dinner. I'll serve something with cilantro.

  5. LOVED this post! Although, I do wish he would at least meet her… but I definitely agree. I truly don't understand cat lovers (sorry to offend.) I would NEVER date a man who prefers cats. Well, never say never, blah blah blah… but I think I'll take that bet.

  6. Let's see: He drives a Hummer, thinks comic books are serious intellectual fare, and his locker-room buddies call him Two Inches.

  7. Ugh. What a vile excuse for a human being. The crazy-cat-lady thing as an excuse lacks creativity, but the comment about 'halfsies'? I think if any guy 'friend' of mine ever said something that amounted to, "You're crazy, baby, but your kind screws like banshees, so that makes you worth it," it'd be the last conversation we ever had.

  8. I must have found my true soul-mate then. We both love cats and dogs equally. Large dogs, that is. Those little yappy pansy dogs are not our cup of tea.

  9. Just for the record, pre-reduction surgery I had a 38G chest, and was not the slightest bit close to 350 lbs. I was more like 160 at the time, and as I'm quite tall and (obviously) curvey it was a really healthy weight for me. I'm not going to suggest that I was happy with the chest, because I did have surgery, but that was definitely strictly because of physical discomfort. Disgusting? Definitely not. Not unless huge numbers of guys are into staring at length at something disgusting.

  10. This guy rocks. In other news, I have found that a woman's degree of craziness is directly proportional to her abilities in bed.

  11. I own two cats…but I NEVER tell guys this fact off the bat. It's better to lure them in and then drop the cat bomb after they're clearly interested. SK, maybe you should have omitted this tidbit before setting up your friends – maybe then the guy would have liked for the right reasons instead of rejecting her for her innocent feline ownership.

  12. I don't think there's anything wrong with what he said. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and to date whoever they like.

    Now, he might meet a cat lady one day that can change his mind or he might not.

  13. I thought this was a really funny conversation. Then again, I'm a full Jew & I don't like any pets whatever that means. Hey- everyone has their preferences.

    But- a short ancedote- When I was dating, I didn't meet this guy for approx 7 months because he was shorter than I was looking for, liked dogs, and rides a Harley.

    I caved and met him to see if he was normal enough for me to hook him up with my friends.

    Now we're married.

  14. Loved, loved, loved it! For me, one of your top entries EVER.

  15. I, on the other hand, have hidden that I am NOT an animal person. There are very few people in the world looking for someone who could merely tolerate a dog or cat in their life. But, I'm glad to know that it puts me ahead of cat ladies in the dating pool. (Even though I do own one of those incense skis and have been known to needlepoint).

  16. that's awesome. this is what i love about men, in general. they say what they friggen mean. if it were a girl, she would meet the guy, go out with him for 6 months and piss and moan about the cat the whole time before finally coming up with some other excuse to break up with him.

    also, he has a point: cats are shady evil little bastards. my old roommate turned up with a one-eyed rescue kitten from one of those animal shelters that set up stacks of crates full of cats on busy street corners. as an animal lover in general, i tried to make nice. poor thing did lose an eye and everything. suffice to say i still have a 2 inch long scar on my ankle.

  17. 1. i love cats.
    2. i love cilantro
    3. i appreciate honesty, even from obviously stupid ppl.
    4. i love the word grimalkin
    5. i agree with the post that all the b.s. about hating cats is just another way to avoid commitment. any man I’ve ever dated knew i had cats; some of them liked cats in fact. One had cats of his own. My best male friend has 8 cats. if some guy in my life didn't like cats, I was like “ fuck 'em”, there is always another guy…. perfect example…a few months after i started dating my husband, his mother said "well, you know my son is allergic to cats, so, you may have to pick between the two". I looked at her and said "well, no offense, but I've known your son for about 2 months; I’ve had Loudy (one of my cats) for over 10 years. Guess who I’ll pick?". Funny thing…a few years after all that, he got tested for his allergies…and his no more allergic to cats than he is to the trees in our back yard. Poor guy…his mother filled his head with so much shit….

  18. This guy sounds like a hoot. Tell me – does he wear his baseball cap sideways (or backwards for more formal affairs)?

    Takes more intelligence to shoot people down with creativity than hackneyed cliches.

  19. I used to have a cat, but don't anymore. And you know what? I LIKE not having one! Don't get me wrong, I loved my cat like nothing else, but it sure is nice not having the responsibility. Same with a dog, fish, bird, etc,.

    Hubby and I are in this very selfish period right now: no kids, no pets, make very good money, and can do whatever we damn please. It's nice for a change to go against the "norm" of what people expect.

  20. And I'm really not surprised this guy is still single.
    The nicest people I've met are the ones when I forgot about what I thought I was looking for.

  21. there's a big diff. b/w not liking a woman with cats due to commitment issues and not liking a woman with cats because they're lame and everyone knows dogs, and the people that prefer them, are superior. ;)

  22. I have a cat, actually 2. I also have a dog. I am spouse free…but after what was supposed to be a one-nighter recently, I got a text saying "I could have laid in bed with you, the cats, the dog and the gatorade all day." That was a few months ago…he's still around.

    I hope my kitties ward off men like your friend. I hope my dog wards off people with an aversion responsibility. My pets will help me weed out the worthy one….until then…all I have to say is…..MEOW!

  23. Really enjoyed the read. Well written and well paced.

    As for the guy? Have a dick, are a dick. Yeah, it's ugly, but no more ugly than handling a woman with two pussies.

    His future? Sitting in a dark apt. petting a cat (a Persian, perhaps? Surely not a halfsy)and drooling into his dribble cup.

  24. I love cats but fear this whole stereotype of cat lady being applied to me. I haven't had one for the last 10 years. A female coworker also admitted she won't get a cat because of the stereotype, but we're both on the verge of saying screw it and just adopting one anyway. We're 40 and it's time to realize, no guys are going to materialize so we might as well just go ahead and get a darn cat and be happy with that at least. Just curious, is this guy a New Yorker?

  25. "…a few months after i started dating my husband, his mother said "well, you know my son is allergic to cats, so, you may have to pick between the two". I looked at her and said "well, no offense, but I've known your son for about 2 months; I’ve had Loudy (one of my cats) for over 10 years. Guess who I’ll pick?".

    Stacey, please tell me this story is true. If it is, I'll build a statue of you and it will become a shrine for harrassed and browbeaten girlfriends & daughters-in-law. They will bring you offerings of cute bags and shoes and spa certificates.

    If Stephanie had only known you back in the Rowena days,she probably would have had a book to write, as you would have advised her to tell Rowena exactly which orifice she could stuff her son & her attitude into.

  26. Kasey, you know many huge women with 34 inch rib cages? Probably not. It's always funny when a guy brags about a girl being a 42DD or something. Yeah, that's a big bitch.

    I love dogs and like cats. I do find it a little weird when guys are cat lovers, but not enough to make a rule about it. I do think that if you decide giant blanket statements over trivial things, you deserve to be alone.

  27. The 'cat lady' label is not used over here. Funny how you have different stereotypes than us. The guy is opinionated, which I like (although I don't necessarely share his opinion), and has the balls to declare this opinion as well. I'm torn between disgust and strangely attracted with these sort of guys, they seem so full of themselves but make for good conversation. I like a guy who know what he wants, at least he's not a doormat.

    I don't care whether potential dates have pets or not. However I won't share the bed with them, and after 4 years I still get the evil eye from my ex-bf's cat.
    I'd like to get a cat myself, but I really like my cream coloured leather couch… so I don't.

  28. Dawn — awesome response, and i just LOVE the message from your beau. si nice. i remember those days…
    DamWrite — i just laughed so hard, coffee went into my nose.
    Barb E. — true story; no statue required. and since that converstiaon, you can imagine the joy and pain of my near 4 years of marriage. oh well, it could be worse. my mil is a good woman, with a good heart, but her theories on life just don't jive with mine alot of the time. and you can imagine, now with a new baby… ;)

  29. Well, I have a cat, take baths and have been happily married for almost a year (April 14 is our anniversary!).

    I have to say, anti-cat people scare me. Hatred for anything small, cute and vulnerable makes me wonder what kind of character the person possesses. It's one thing to prefer dogs to cats…but this guy (and others like him) is taking it to a weird level.

  30. My SO's not a pet person at all, but he and I are perfect for each other in a million other ways..So, he tolerates my dog. And he may even like her just a smidgen. I've had her for 8 years..He knows it's a losing battle to have any issue with her.
    BTW, yes, dogs and people who have them are most definitely the superior :P

  31. bestmans- I am right there with you-except for the fact that we have a dog (truly the best ever)and because he is so awesome, the responsibility isn't much of an issue. We love being able to go on a dime, but unfortunately there are so few like us out there, it's hard to find other "DINKs" (double income no kids) to socialize with. Oh well, here's to doing whatever we want.(Raising my Coke Zero) ;)

  32. I have to say, anti-cat people scare me. Hatred for anything small, cute and vulnerable makes me wonder what kind of character the person possesses. It's one thing to prefer dogs to cats…but this guy (and others like him) is taking it to a weird level.

    Posted by: Rachel
    ___________

    Exactly. It's fine to have preferences but to flat out hate a type of animal is kind of…excessive. And a little scary. That's why my husband and I never let out little Toonces out of the house. Besides other dangers (cat fights, etc) we're scared of him running into a madman who uses him for target practice or tries to run cats over.
    I actually grew up with dogs and was a 'dog person' until we rescued a cat and now I appreciate both.

    I think some people can relax their requirements if the right person comes along. Barring a severe allergy, if a partner has a pet you could live without but an amazing sense of loyalty and level of compatibility it would be silly to throw that away because of a simple bias.

    And Susan- you said you and your friend were both 40 and 'no men will materialize'. Don't be so sure or so hard on yourself. Life has a funny way of sending you what you want when you are busy doing something else. And 40 is hardly time to hang up your heels! I also think having a pet- cat or not- is great for you so get one:)

  33. I know this conversation was probably totally in fun and not to be taken so seriously.. I just think it's stupid to claim knowledge of someone's personality and whether you'll be interested based on their PET.

    A person with 45 cats, or snakes all over the house, or someone who lets their horse sleep in the living room (I actually knew a person who did this), or birds who fly around and crap all over the house – sure, anyone would (and probably should) run away screaming.

    But come on. "Cats are stuck up and have a sense of entitlement, and the people who like them are worse"? *chuckle* Pull-eeze.

  34. Cats are awesome, and any man who's going to love me and love my cats. Luckily, I married that man.

  35. I'm a cat person and would never give my pet up for a GUY. Or want a guy who had a problem with anyone owning a particular type of pet.

    Oh – been meaning to ask…I recently read somewhere that you have 350,000 readers a day. Is that true? If so, why do you think you don't have more comments?

    And do you ever comment on other people's blogs? Just wondering…

  36. I'm a cat person and would never give my pet up for a GUY. Or want a guy who had a problem with anyone owning a particular type of pet.

    Oh – been meaning to ask…I recently read somewhere that you have 350,000 readers a day. Is that true? If so, why do you think you don't have more comments?

    And do you ever comment on other people's blogs? Just wondering…

  37. "Cats are stuck up and have a sense of entitlement, and the people who like them are worse"?

    Hmmm… does he not see a kindred spirit in a cat??

    :)

  38. I'm the nicest person I know, but I've had scorpions, snakes, cats, dogs and beetles. Now, however, I have 3 teens. That's enough. No more animals allowed. I can't take care of one more living thing.

  39. Lots of people get cats because they want a furry little pet and they don't like picking up shit
    Not for some complex personality/psychological thing

  40. I met my nusband when my cat of 14 years was very very ill, and died about 2 months later. He never liked cats and never really cared for mine. But the affection and sensitivity he showed me when I so upset about his death and the fact that about 6 weeks later HE suggested that we get another cat, is one of the reasons we are married today. He didn't like cats, still isn't to crazy about them, but knows I love them and that makes him a keeper.

    Your friend, however, should reconsider his position on cats, becuase given his obvious personality flaws, will be single for a very very very long time and it may be the only companionship he ever gets.

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