I get quite a bit of mail asking for advice. Sometimes it’s restaurant reco’s, other times it’s itinerary questions about New York. Hair products or my favorite brand of bedding. How to lose weight. Mostly, it’s about the heart. I know a lot of you have emailed and I haven’t had a chance, dammit, to write you back yet. Perhaps this will help.
I received an email from a woman I’ll call Claire, about my age, living in Los Angeles. She broke off her engagement in January. She just didn’t think it was right. He then moved on, and by March, he was engaged to someone else, a model (of course!), and proposed using the same ring he’d chosen for Claire. Not only this, said model knew the ring had been worn by Claire, but didn’t care. Knew he’d just broken off an engagement, but again, didn’t care. Claire knew she shouldn’t feel upset, that she did, after all, end things… but still.
Now, I know we’re all quick to call him an asslick, but sit tight. I also get emails from people in HIS position, though they’re mostly women. Their boyfriends, fiancees, husbands leave them, and they email to tell me it was a blessing in disguise because they’ve just met the love of their life, and a month later they’re engaged. "You always said ‘what can take a lifetime to find with one person you can find in a moment with someone else!’" Yes, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean you should rebound, headfirst, just so you don’t lose your place.
That’s what happened to me. I didn’t want to lose my place. I’d gotten to a point in my relationship where I was ready for marriage, and if it didn’t work out, I’d find someone else to marry, and I’d do so, full speed ahead… because I wanted what I wanted… needed what I needed… and that was to be married.
Whether it’s a guy or girl who’s dumped or doing the dumping, it doesn’t all that much matter (aside from the feelings of rejection). I said as much to Claire, who admitted she was going to nab up Straight Up And Dirty straight away as her "heart-salve."
I know this is hard to see, Claire, but if he could, that quickly, jump (plummet, really) into another serious relationship like that, that’s very very telling about his character. He sounds very needy and unsure of himself. To race into a relationship like that, means you NEED it, need it so badly, need to believe that you won’t be alone, need to feel loved, need to know that you won’t die alone. And NEED is not a good mental state when entering a relationship. Why? Because with all that wanting, and need, you don’t even really know what you want in a partner. You just know what you need and grab something to get those needs met. It sounds like he has a lot of fear in his life.
You made a decision from your heart, and you can never go wrong as long as you follow that. I know it sounds so damn cheesy, but it’s very true. You knew in your gut that it wasn’t going to work out. I know you feel weak right now, but the great thing is this: when we’re in pain, we do the most growing.
Intellectually, I know you know all this. Emotionally you feel kinda battered. It’s normal. Just know that the universe is taking care of you and will present you with a whole dumptruck of love when you’re ready for it–and the only way you’ll be ready for it is if you respond to this hurt with grace. It’s not the events themselves that matter… it’s how we respond to them.
You’re no "woe is me!" girl. So pick yourself up, put on some lipstick or gloss or whatever makes you feel like tap dancing, and remember that every stranger we meet in life can turn out to be a person who can change our lives forever. There’s sooooo much out there. Today, when you look out the window or walk around the block, even to clear your head, look at all the strangers. They each have their own little dramas, and you realize how many other possibilities there are out there for you… adventures, really. And it’s what makes life so tasty. Well, that and cheese. This will be behind you when you bury it and decide you’re ready for adventure.