a year of montage

In ALL, BOOB TUBE, MOVIES by Stephanie Klein50 Comments

My Oscar reactions as they happen. Unedited, literally, what I’m thinking as I watch (pardon all my crapass spelling, I have no time nor inclination to fix and search for correct spellings):

Holy shit, seriously, are you crying? I don’t know who can’t be crying right now. The montage scenes always get to me. My favorite part of the Oscars was always the end, not because I was usually stuffed and tired, but because I got to see the death montage. Oh, but this year, on Oscar’s 80th, I got to experience it a few times. First in the cartoonish version, loving to hear Eddie Murphy’s laugh, and then the clips of the acceptance speeches over the years. I’m totally crying watching Cary Grant cry, and then a cut to Audry Hepburn, in her do-good humanitarian years. I wonder how we’re all remembered. If people remember us for who we were when we were young, or if they remember us as we last were. I stop to think about the people in my life who’ve died. While I remember my grandfather at the end, it’s not really who I remember. I remember the advice he gave, the person he was, the way he carried me throughout the house and later told me how I needed to touch each picture on the wall.

I love Jon Stewart. Love, like, man would I have his babies. I actually cannot think of anyone I love more in Hollywood, aside from Applebee in Stealing Home. Stewart is lovable, and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t get along with anyone who felt otherwise. You know who else I love? Barbara. There, I said it. I do. I really love Barbara Streisand. Okay, so the montage, man, I miss Chevy Chase. Though I do kind of hate how women can’t be funny in the same way. It’s not funny when a woman pretends to be caught picking her nose. My favorite part, aside from seeing my girl Diane up there, is when the energy changed from tap-dancing glory and Michael Jackson old-school to the overly syrupy Celine Dion titanic music, and I get to relive Stevie Wonder jumping up, seeing Annette cry, proud of her husband. Kevin Spacey quivering with gratitude for Jack Lemmon. I’m a total sap. I fall for it every time.

Ratatouille better win. Best movie ever. No question. Yay! Wait, what was that? Since when do we begin the night with best costume? This decision was made by a marketing exec responsible for ratings. People watch the beginning and tune in at the end, skipping the middle.

"Happy Working Song" is very, very sad. She might be talented, but the song is annoying.

Catherine Zeta too many names. Her hair looks really good in those clips with Michael Douglas.

Duane Johnson? Who’s that? Oh, The Rock. What a powerfully striking man, even if his first name is "The."

Interesting to see that Calista and Ford are still together. Comforting really, despite her hideous involvement in that Sally Field atrocity of a show.

Oooh, Dianne Wiest. Oh, how I live for daily episodes of In Treatment. Oh, I just cried again. Cuba Gooding Jr. I love the energy, the surprise, the pure passion. It’s so heartening when people allow themselves to get a little messy, to break a few rules, to really go against convention and embrace their lives. I need more of that in my own life.

I think Philip Seymor Hoffman is sexy. I do. It’s not just his talent. He’s just, well, everything.

Oh look, the woman from Designing Women. (Had to IMDB her) Dixie Carter.

Wait, I thought Owen Wilson was dead, or that he tried to kill himself. Something. Maybe that was the other Wilson, Luke. I don’t think so. Wait, where’s Owen Wilson? Kerri Russel, I’ve met her, at the Hotel Gansevoort, actually. I took her photo and talked to her for at least a half an hour. She was very normal, like she acted as though she never acted.

Ugh, I hate all that music and interpretive dance crap. Speed it up. Ah, Owen and his nose: they’ve arrived. Clearly he can read, even if his delivery is kinda deadened.

The Tonto Woman, that should be my new nickname. It sounds so badass, despite the fact that I’m well aware that it means no such thing. My Spanish teacher when we were in 5th grade split the class in half, naming one half Tontos (idiots) and the other Burros (jackasses),  basically his version of dumb and dumber. Way to inspire good self-esteem, Senor. Jerry Seinfeld’s voice is on, and all I can think about is his wife and her cookbook and the whole business with Lepine and the lawsuits. I own both "sneaky food" books. Man, I still love that Diane Weist. Oh, and Olympia Ducacis, I love her too. Mostly, I think I like women who get fed up, who take control of their lives and smack people around once they, themselves, wise up. I loved Dianne Wiest in that cagebird movie with Robin Williams. Damn, what was the name of that movie? The one with Sparticus unable to walk in shoes. The Birdcage.

Tildaswintonoscarredcarpet That lady from Michael Clayton, Tilda Swinton, while a redhead, she still looks dead, as if she’s wearing someone’s black futon, and her eyes look like small vaginas. Would it kill her to wear some makeup? Jack Nicholson. Yes, we get it. You’re God, and it’s not the Oscars without you. I’ve met you though, have sat with you over dinner, and you weren’t all that personable. Still, you are Jack, and you have performed with my girl Diane, so I like you. Especially when you show your vulnerable chick flick of a side.

Best Adapted Screenplay, okay Cohen Brothers. You’ll win, but still, Alice Monroe stories are always brilliantly penned.

Accounting Humor: Keep it in your pants. Price Waterhouse Cooper. Yawn. Love that Jon Stewart, henceforth known as My Man, just called them out on how dull that was. Oh please, please Academy, cut all these musical numbers. That blond singing about sending yellow flowers when the sky is red, I think she was the blonde who sang Popular in Wicked.

It also wouldn’t be a modern Oscars with Halle Berry. Instead the dudes from SuperBad and Knocked Up stand in.. and they deliver the worst news… that Ratatouille didn’t win. Bourne Identity part 30. Sound engineering. The recipient of the award thanks everyone, except he forgets to thank his mullet. I cross my fingers for Ratatouille  again. Ugh, foiled again. Sound mixing. Kills me Bourne Ultimatum. All the sound people have ponytails.

There I go again with the tears. She’s gotta pull out the sign language . Oh, and when they thank their dads. When people cry up there, when they summon the dead and pray they’re watching over them, I cry. I can’t help it. I’m proud of them too. And she’s signing again, this time to her mother. It moves us to see how moved she is in her life.

Away from her, Alice Munroe’s film, was quite moving actually. Laura Linney is associated with too many independent films and she delivers everything the same. It becomes a little grating. She plays the same uptight part in every film. Good. I’m glad La Vie En Rose woman won. It was a moving film, though way too long. And they uglied her up good in that film. I mean you really believed she got chased by dogs or something, but now, she looks like a Frenchwoman who’s trying to look American. I love that she’s shaking and thanking love and life and saying there are angels in this city. Even when she’s ushered offstage, she’s still shaking. She’ll fall asleep tonight, eventually anyway, and she’ll relive that moment, angry actually that she didn’t say more, that she didn’t thank the right people, or even the muse she transformed herself into.

Colin Farrel is gross. I don’t see what the draw is to him. I’d take  Philip Seymour Hoffman over him any day.  I’d also just like to say, this acoustic version of "Falling Slowly" from the movie Once is really good. I love it actually. And wouldn’t you know it, along with La Vie En Rose and Away From Her, I also rented Once. Not bad for a mama who never leaves the house. At least I’m caught up on the nominees. Though that No Country for Old Men and titles with Blood just sound dull to me. Man, I love the acoustic guitar. It’s so enchanting and makes me feel drunk. I love that song. It’s official. And afterward, camera pans up, and dammit, three women sitting in the front row are just sitting there thinking about the after parties, deciding if they’ll change into their backup outfits now that they’ve seen the color of the night is red. Not one claps.

Best Picture Montage:How Green Was My Valley sounds like porn. Kramer vs. Kramer, God was that good. The Departed… doesn’t belong on that list. Not even close to Annie Hall. Some years the movies just suck. I don’t like Renee Zellweger’s dress. She looks like Christmas tinsel. Nicole Kidman sounds like a robot, like that freaky redhead from Cashmere Mafia, just awkward and too enunciated. She seems cold. Others read, stuck to the script, but Jennifer Garner, for example, came off adorable (but damn thin). And Kidman delivers an aloof appearance, a Stepford role. She stands there like a woman without a heart. Renee’s dress looked like tinsel and Kidman stands like the tree, hacked down for holiday presentation. That necklace might be fashion-forward but it’s annoying on screen.

They always put the family of the big-time achievement award winners in boxed seats so they needn’t listen to people badmouthing the speaker. Oh how I love all the closeups of actors pretending to listen, pretending to care, squinting, fingers on chins, deep in thought, even the lovely Diane Lane, acting mesmerized about… nothing. He said nothing. Robert Boyle. Gotta cut him some slack, though, he is 98-years-old. I hope I can still speak at that age, you know, something other than "Mama."

Penelopecruzoscarredcarpet Penelope Cruz’s dress. It’s quite clear the woman had a one night stand with Foghorn Leghorn. All those ass feathers. Tim Gunn would not approve of that fowl silhouette.

I LOVE that ONCE won for best song. The movie was kinda suckass, but the music moves me. And it really sucks that she didn’t get to give her–oh, but she did. That’s the way. See, Jon Stewart is dreamy. Cameran Diaz, I know guys think she’s hot, but really, she’s typecast for a reason. Someone needs to pull her dress up, or down… I can almost see the shadow of a nipple, well, the areola, anyway. "No," Phil says. "You’re making things up." He pauses. I walk up to the screen and point. "No, they’d be down here," he says pointing lower. "No, those boobies are squished up in there with tape and stuff. That might just be the shadow of an areola." That, or I’ve had too much to drink.

Hillary Swank. She’s kinda mannish. Not kinda. She’s mannish. I can’t quite get past her role in Boys Don’t Cry, and I keep imagining her with a rolled up pair of sweat socks stuffed into her crotch.

Wait, the death montage. Since when do they list agents and stunt men? No one good died, just Deborah Kerr. Ingrid Bergman. Fine. Oh, and of course best for last Heath, which kinda changes the mood. That sucks.

And the quote of the night: "Without you, honey, this would just be hardware."

Comments

  1. I get that you aren't checking spelling, but I'm surprised that a self-professed "foodie" can't spell ratatouille off the top of your head. Funny.

  2. I thought they should have mentioned Brad Renfro in the death montage. He was great in The Client and Bully.

    I agree with your assessment of the show- aside from your trash talk of "Brothers and Sister" which I will just ignore.

  3. Thank you so much for this! I'm stuck in New Zealand with no coverage and would give anything to be sitting in my best friend Emily's living room in Austin, eating queso, drinking Tecate, crying and bitching.

  4. Well now you've edited just to make me look silly :)

    FROM SK: No, see it helps when I get comments… because then I know how unclear I'm being and have a chance to right it.

  5. I adore the Oscars – with Tivo. I want to salivate over the gowns, celebrate with or throw popcorn at the winners, and fast forward through the crying, thanking gods. Oh, I hate the thanking gods.

    Loved your commentary – though I must disagree with one point – Nicole Kidman is simply the most beautiful woman on the planet. Period.

    FROM SK: Not tonight she wasn't. When someone is that stiff it detracts from them. She seemed vacant and heartless. Like someone too botoxed to reveal what's going on inside. Other days, I can see your point, but tonight she was far from stunning and just appeared stunned.

    I will also note, that this is by far the meanest post I've ever written (except when I trashed Tony Danza's show). A bit of me feels quite guilty about it actually. I don't care if they're public figures and it goes with the territory. It also makes me feel like a bad human being for expressing such negative, vile really, thoughts. Just the same, we're all entitled to our own.

  6. We haven't seen the show yet, as it was the early hours of the morning here in South Africa (a recorded version will be on tonight) but I've seen all the photos.

    Cameron Diaz's outfits never look as if they fit properly. She has no tits. But she never pushes them up – you'd think she'd put a little padding somewhere but no, there they are, all flat and sort of poking out the sides.

    And Tilda Swinton – I so agree – a walking corpse. Imagine, she stood there at the mirror and said "Yes, I look great. I am ready to go to the Oscars." What, does she think she's a natural beauty?

    And didn't Ratatouille win Best Animated Feature, so it did get something.

    I think George Clooney is the sexiest man on the planet.

    FROM SK: I retch when I see Clooney because the Wasband looked strikingly similar. I probably find sexy in the stars with who I know and find sexy in real life… you know, how the stars can somehow remind us of those we know.

  7. Love your comments! I saw Once in theatres and had to run out and buy the soundtrack because of "Falling Slowly". GREAT song. I fell asleep before the performance but found it on youtube. There are other good songs on the soundtrack also, but that one is definitely my favorite.

  8. You were right on with Tilda Swinton's eyes – LOL! You crack me up! I said the same thing tho to myself – "PUT ON SOME MAKEUP!!!" Geez. And I agree – Jennifer Garner – painfully thin!!!! But yet, looks fabulous.

  9. Wow–I thought I was the only person in the world who found Philip Seymour Hoffman sexy! He's on my "list".

  10. Love your recap! My own two cents: Sarah Larson (Clooney's flava of the month) would have looked a million times better in a dress that didn't appear if she swaddled herself in drapes freshly yanked from the windows of the Regent Beverly Wilshire. Also, Helen Mirren looks FAN-FVCK-IN-TASTIC for her age and should have ripped the doilies from her arms and gone strapless. She's awesome.

    And I broke the tissue out when Javier Bardem delivered part of his acceptance speech in Spanish to his Mother. Wow, talk about powerful. I don't speak a lick of Spanish but somehow understood every word.

  11. How much were you loving Heidi Klum's dress? God, I hope you were loving it because otherwise I don't think I could read GT anymore.

    FROM SK: It was fantastic. Photographed beautifully, too. So old world hollywood. And Helen Mirren looked incredible.

  12. this was fun! i hoped you would write something about the oscars…. but i really want you to talk more about LOST… :)

    FROM SK: Ok.. oh, no… I'll be in NY next Thursday, and I will MISS lost! Phil will DVR it for me. Actually, I'm going to make Alexandra DVR it for me. When I'm back in TX I'll post on my LOST observations.

  13. Deborah Kerr (From Here to Eternity, An Affair to Remember) and Ingmar Bergman (director) were two of the folks who passed away. I guess you didn't check spelling in haste, but I wanted to point these out.

    FROM SK: They are included in this post, always have been. And line one says I'm not checking spelling.

  14. I just started watching In Treatment. I miss 'Tell Me You Love Me' already and have another show to watch though my husband feels it's too depressing/emotional/over the top. That's why I love it. It would be interesting if you could pick an episode and spin off of that one here as I think it's a pretty interesting and thought provoking show.

    I know Tilda Swinton is descended from Scottish royalty and all of that but a little color on the face would be nice. Then again the stark contract of the white skin and red hair and nothing else is um, striking at least. She was amazing in Orlando and some other movies I have seen her in as well. I think part of her complexity and appeal as an actress is her malleability and androgeny.
    She's also pretty tall and is even more imposing in person. It works for her in a way. Besides, she has amazing bone structure and good skin so not much makeup is needed anyway. Regardless your comments made me laugh – they weren't nearly as bitchy as the ones I have heard watching the show with some aging queens in attendance.

  15. Love and agree with all of your comments, but, like "T," I have to disagree with your trash talk about Brothers and Sisters!

    FROM SK: To be fair, I only saw the first 8 shows. Before Rob L. stepped in, when they were discovering their father's past, the house he kept for the other woman, the company stuff, etc. With Calista breaking things off, then on, then off. And Sally get flustered about dating again. They gay brother being rude. The young one into drugs and then has to go back into war or something. The whole thing annoyed me. Maybe it has improved since then.

  16. Blah, blah, blah. I usually enjoy what you have to say, but this post is whiny… and way to trash Tilda, an amazing actress and from what I know (which is obviously more than you) a very real and down to earth person, which is more than can be said for most of those actors.

  17. I.. am laughing.. out loud.

    With the exception of Philip Seymor Hoffman (retch), I thought the exact same things. Laura Linney.. "How Green Is My Valley" (bowm chicka wah wah), "glad Ford/Flockhard are still on," the SIGN LANGUAGE oh my god.

    And Chevy Chase was HOT back in the day.

  18. I too, will ignore the Brothers and Sisters bashing, as I too love that show! And Helen Mirren did look damn great! I hope to look that good when I'm her age. I've noticed how radiant she's looked at all of the award shows in recent months.

  19. I had a lot of the same thoughts as you watching the Oscars. Except for me, Daniel Day Lewis is just honey on toast. I LOVE that man….no one is dreamier. Last of the Mohicans…long hair….wearing animal skin… I rest my case… You could put that man in a clown suit and film him doing card tricks for an hour and I'd pay to see it.

    And I also love the death montage. I don't know if it is just the realization of how many people actually die in a year's time, or what. Poor Heath…

    I said it last year and I'll say it again this year – I want to be Helen Mirren when I grow up…

  20. Don't you think this was kind of mean? Honestly, don't you? And isn't part of your upcoming book about people making slice of you? Would you be nice to you?

    FROM SK: You must have missed what I stated in earlier comments. And I go out of my way in my upcoming book to say that I'm human, not a saint.

  21. I agree about Tilda. I understand that she's not conventional, and that's cool, but it wouldn't kill her to throw on some lip gloss and wear something that doesn't look like a velvet garbage bag. Other than that, I think she's aces.

  22. Totally agree with your thoughts here – Tilda whatshername is a very good actress, but she is also a very homely woman and that is no excuse for showing up at the oscars in a one armed black caftan. And as for George Clooney, I always did think he was such a class act… until he "settled down" with a cocktail waitress who got her 15 minutes of fame on Fear Factor. I mean really, George. Is intelligence so threatening you'd rather date a woman who'd eat live bugs for 50 grand?

    I have to add (and I know people will disagree with this, but go ahead) the more I hear out of Katherine Heigl's mouth, the more I think she's an idiot. From her throwing her two cents in to the whole Isaiah Washington mess (um, how brave of you to stick up for your friend when everybody in the free world already agrees that Isaiah is an ass) to her "please forgive me, i'm not very good at this" nonsense as a presenter last night… you've got to be kidding me.

  23. I couldn't agree with you more about Tilda Swinton. She was in serious need of some make up! I watched Thumbsucker a few weeks ago and the whole time I kept thinking what good some mascara would do her!

  24. I agree w/ a lot of your comments, although I missed parts of the show. I thought Daniel Day Lewis looked awful – the lines in his face – ugh. Maybe he got too thin. Jon Stewart looked great, Patrick Dempsey looked delicious too, Tilda Swinton was wearing the drapes, Cameron Diaz was herself, and Johnny Depp seems to go out of his way to make himself look scary. Very strange. The Rock is beautiful – sculpted looking. Jennifer Hudson had a boob problem – bad choice of dress. I was happy to see Owen Wilson there – especially after Heath Ledger's death. And, while Hillary Swank may be manly, I am convinced that Amy Winehouse (not that she was there last night, of course) really WAS a man. Ever see her face w/o make up? Whoa. Ok. Done trashing.

  25. Same thoughts on Phillip – I love the "not so hot head shot, but charisma for days" type. He fits the bill. John Malcovich is my favorite of this type (in Dangerous Liaisons…oh yeah!)

  26. Carolina Baker, I like how you are able to decide what other people should be interested in and write about. If you have so much interest in seeing your own views reflected in print, why not start your own blog?
    I'm also not sure what an "international woman" is, I guess all people from other countries are sort of the same though.
    Generally when criticising people for being judgmental, it's best not to be so judgmental yourself.

  27. Very mean post. As someone who lives in Los Angeles, this industry is about a lot more than the pretty people. They have always noted the "non actors" in the montage. And way to rag on a 98 year old legend, Robert Boyle. Look up his credits why don't ya? So he rambled, so what. And tech guys who worked to make the films have pony tails. Again – so what.

    What have you done that is comparable? Do you know the odds of winning an Oscar?

    Maybe next year you want to read it through before you post. Keep your own conduct in mind when you get petty/bad reviews on your own work, or when someone mentions that you looked fat or your hair was bad at a reading.

    FROM SK: Have you not read what I have to say on the matter in earlier comments? Yes, they're all obviously extraordinarily talented. No one has said otherwise. And I've already agree that what I wrote was mean.

  28. In no particular order:
    Tilda looks fab in that eccentric English way of hers and her beauty is more enduring than 10 interchangeable actresses; take your pick of names. Women are allowed to decide not to look fake, as well as not to wear truckload of make up.
    Brothers and Sisters is fab except for Sally Field but especially for Rob Lowe.
    It was reported that Owen Wilson did attempt suicide, he didn't succeed.
    Otherwise you are just supremely unkind and judgmental in this post. Knowing you are being mean about any of it isn't an excuse is it?

  29. Yes thank you, I can read, ….and yet I still was annoyed enough to comment anyhow.

    Saying "yes, I was mean" doesn't magically negate the mean part, it just acknowledges it.

  30. I would just like to say thank you for keeping it real. I swear to God, what is up with all the "you're so mean" people on here today? You wrote exactly what all my friends and I say, only you said it funnier. Thank you for not editing yourself just because it's the nice thing to do. I won't say we all think the things you do… but certainly I do, and so do all my friends, my family, and every single fashion show and magazine. Please. And stop posting all those comments from the people who tell you to stop doing what you do. They make me want to say mean things about them too.

  31. not just mean, a total bitch. i sometimes read your blog bc you sometimes write well, but this post was a total turn-off.

  32. I agree with Ellen. People are way too serious about something you obviously were just thinking and thought it aloud on this blog. What is the big deal?

    And I too thought her eyes looked like vaginas. Thank you for always writing what I'm thinking. It's weird how you do it. I don't always agree, but when I don't, I just don't comment. You made my day with this.

  33. Andy, you sound so pleasant. Very pleasant indeed. Now if you're so turned off, why don't you do us all a favor and do just that… turn off.

    As for the post, I agree with others, that I thought the same things, and it's refreshing to hear you dish. Too often I think the stuff you write is too nice. I thought Penelope looked "fowl" as you put it, and really who doesn't love Stewart?

  34. "Tilda Swinton, while a redhead, she still looks dead, as if she's wearing someone's black futon, and her eyes look like small vaginas." This is hysterical. And I love me some Tilda Swinton. Lighten up, peeps. You were all thinking something like this, at some point last night.

  35. Not just mean, also stupid… you don't have to spell check to realize that the female lead in Casablanca is not the same person as the director of The Seventh Seal.

  36. i am reading all of this in total shock because no one has said a word about johnny depp which in the end is just fine i suppose because if no one else wants him then he's all mine.

    i loved your random reference to tim gunn. do you read projectrungay? of course you do.

    also, you should know that you are not alone in your love of barbara.

    this was my first post ever by the way and now i feel like a loser for my first post being so ridiculous but so be it.

  37. It's Stephanie's blog, therefore she's entitled to post what she wants, when she wants. It's her take on the Oscar's, just fluff — we're not deciding on world peace here, people. And by people I mean Andy & Sue. The two of you should get together and grudge FVCK each other — sounds like both of you could use some stress relief.

  38. Hey!

    I didn't see all of it, but it seemed like if I had phoned you mid way through the Oscars we would have had an amazing conversation, well at least during the commercial breaks and boring bits/ montages. What are your thoughts on Diabolo Cody winning for best original screen play? I also Love me some Alice Munro, they say she's the Canadian Chekov!

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