the last resort

I was at a crowded resort pool the other day.  All the chaises were taken, staked with flip-flops and folded towels, goggles, magazines, and cans of spray SPF.   We were fortunate enough to spot a family as they began to gather up their stray belongings, complete with fluorescent water noodles and sippy cups.   Phil stayed in the sun.  I dragged my chair beneath a tree, in the shade, beside a woman in a pale blue bikini.  Her hip bones were erect, her chest sweating as she took in the sun just beyond the tree’s shade.  A nano by her side, she was reading The Kite Runner from behind her Gucci sunglasses.  I sized her up, not out of judgment but envy.  She was a guest at the hotel, I presumed from the boarding pass she used as her bookmark. And on the ground beside her was an oversized suede bag, a designer bag for which she surely paid well over $3000. She seemed to have the life I once had, the life a lot of my friends still have, where you can afford, or pretend to afford, such luxuries for yourself.  This isn’t a tale of, now that I’m married my priorities have shifted, or now that I’m a mom, I miss being single.  This isn’t about life swap.

After a bit, she put her book down, pulled up her hair and went for a dip to cool off.  Not one dimple.  Not a sag or a wrinkle.  Fake breasts.  I turned my gaze off her to Phil, to see if he was watching her walk to the pool.  I’m sure he saw her, just not at that moment.  And I wanted to look like she did, sure, to look as shapely and toned, to have those breasts and a barely there boy band ass.  But I don’t want it enough to have to work for it.  I’d rather look and live like I do and just complain from time to time.

She resumed her position, facing the sun.  And I wondered if she worried, as I did, about skin cancer.  A while longer, once she was dry, she slipped on a pair of black flip flops and a Juicy strapless terry dress.  Black.  She tucked her nano and book into her oversized bag and made off to the buffet area for some food.  She wasn’t going for drinks because there were waitresses for this, and because she already had two full cups of icy lemon water beneath her chaise.  Perhaps she was going to pee.  But she was gone for a long time.  Wait, she left her bag?  Right there beside her chair.  A towel still secured her spot on the chaise, and she was somehow confident that in the very crowded resort, out of desperation, no one would steal her chair or handbag–clearly not a New Yorker.   And not all that practical.  Who brings a suede bag to a pool where it can so easily be ruined?

I began to play out the repercussions of thievery.  It was busy enough, too busy, ironically, for witnesses.  I could certainly pull off carrying that bag as if it were my own.  Then I began to wonder, what else does she have in there?  My God, how can she be so trusting?  I would never leave such a beautiful item alone for the taking.  I would at least ask the stranger beside me, “Do you mind watching my things for a moment?”  Because in doing so, they’d somehow be responsible.  But asking nothing of anyone like that, well certainly she deserved to lose her valuables.  I could leave this way, I thought.  No one would see.  I could be any hotel guest.  I could take off to my car and I’d make off the owner of a fantastic bag, and nano, and who knows what else.

I could entertain this because I’ve never stolen a thing in my entire life, aside from… well, twice.  Once I stole the flowers from our neighbor’s yard.  I picked them for my mother.  And that night, my father made me return them, apologizing for taking what did not belong to me.  And one other time in fourth grade when I stole the clove-laden orange a girl named Zulema had made.  We were all given an orange and brought in our own cloves.  Our project was to insert the cloves in a design, and then to hang the perfumed oranges as an ornament in our homes.  I suppose I didn’t like mine because I managed to take Zulema’s.  And when our teacher discovered that hers had gone missing, she detained all of us, insisting on checking each of our knapsacks.  I stood on line as she checked each of us, and when it came close to being my turn, I moved toward the back of the line, pretending I’d forgotten something.  I remember with amazing clarity, how Mrs. Kalb had assumed it was Marc Pegnotta who’d taken Zulema’s orange because he was so insistent on leaving.  “I’m going to miss my bus!  I don’t have it!” I remember him yelling.  And she fought with him, insisting he open his backpack.  And he kept trying to zip past her, and with all of her attention focused on him, I was able to go unnoticed when I pulled her orange from my bag and left it in a corner at the back of the room.  Mrs. Kalb checked my bag, found nothing, and let me go along with the others.  Although I didn’t get away with Zulema’s orange, I did get away with it.

The following morning Mrs. Kalb sat us all down on the carpet toward the entrance of our classroom.  She began to lecture us on taking things that aren’t ours.  Then told us how she found Zulema’s orange, but the paper in which it had been wrapped was now torn and crumpled, obviously shoved into someone’s bag.  And then I remember her looking each one of us in the eye saying, “You know who you are, and you should feel very badly about yourself.”  And I remember thinking, she has no idea it was me.  And I continued to be one of her favorite students.  My report cards said so.  She confided that, in writing, “one of my favorites, so spirited and such a delight.”  It all would have changed if she knew the truth about me.  That I was the one who deceived her.  That morning when she spoke so purposefully to each of us, she said the only one we were fooling was ourself.  But that wasn’t true.  I wasn’t fooling myself.  I knew what I did.  I was fooling her.  Still, I didn’t like the idea that she would have stopped liking me had she learned this new piece of information about me.  And I have never stolen anything since then.  Not a thing.  Ever.  (Is it really stealing if you return clothes with the tags still on, even after you’ve warn them?)  It wasn’t because of some lesson learned.  I just knew, maybe, that I wouldn’t like me knowing I was capable of hurting other people like that. There are other people though who aren’t so worried about what they think of themselves, but spend their time concealing the things  they fear others won’t accept about them.  He won’t love me if he knows this.  She won’t stay if she finds out.  They’re still who I was, as a fourth grader, duping my teacher by hiding from her of what I was capable.  Trying to control how she felt about me by limiting her full knowledge as to who I was.  And I feel sad for these people, people who are ashamed, who spend so much of their energy hiding parts of their lives from public view.  From their own husbands.  People very close to me, whose secrets I know, and also know they don’t share with the people they should.  They’re worried people will judge them, and moreover care about the fact that people will absolutely judge them.  It’s a fact.  Our really worry should be devoted to why we care so much what other people think of us, our breasts, our cellulite, or our thieving natures.  And instead of masking, or knifing, the bits of ourselves we don’t like, we should try living more honestly, boldly, admitting our mistakes and making allowances for our imperfections.

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COMMENTS:

  1. 1. There is never an excuse for stealing, and living loud about it does not make it any better.
    2. Returning clothes after you have worn them is stealing. Its a vile practice that many friends indulge in and I hate it. Would you want to purchase someone else's pit stains?
    3. Better than a commitment to masking our imperfections, how about working to eradicate them? Cellulite and Thieving Nature are not one and the same.

  2. trying to control how people feel about you by limiting their full knowledge… i struggle against this every day. i was raised in a household united by secrets: my parents were undercover lesbians posing as sisters in a conservative small town. years later, when they could be open about their relationship, they included a 3rd "partner" in their marriage and the secrets began all over again. i think it is an addiction, a phobia, a sickness- and i am deeply saddened by the elaborate lengths my mother will employ to limit and manipulate knowledge. she can't see that we would love her no matter what, instead that option of unconditional is taken away by all of her hiding, "masking, or knifing".
    thanks for this post, stephanie- for setting an example in living life out loud.

  3. As usual, I've latched onto a tangential item; one which has no connection with the Overarching Theme of your post, but that's the interwebz for you. The item: Why go to a resort pool on — I assume — some sort of day pass when your subdivsion has a pool? Or was that the 1st house. . .?

    FROM STEPHANIE: That was the 2Br apartment where we lived for six months before purchasing our current home, which incidentally does not have a pool… yet.

  4. Your post today really hit home. I did that once, kept something like that from someone I was dating. It all ended up coming out in the end anyway though, when we were breaking up. I figured, since it was all falling apart anyway, I might as well be honest, it would explain some other things that would happen, and at least he would have the full picture. Better late than never, or something like that. I ended up feeling guilty about it not at the time – at the time I just thought I was protecting myself, being sensible — but afterwards. Not only because I’m left always wondering if that’s what sabotaged things, if I had been straightforward about it would things have been different…? but also because I realized how disrespectful it was to him, to intentionally keep something back that I consciously thought would be a deal-breaker for him, to not give him all the information so he could decide for himself, because I thought it was protecting me and what I wanted. It’s beyond not being fair. I still haven’t figured out how to deal with this particular “secret”, but suffice to say I’m not doing that again.

  5. I "sample" candy from the Brachs box, here and there.
    I return clothes (esp. evening gowns that i will never wear again) that i have worn with the tag still on…in fact, I own one of those little devices that can "reattach" tags.
    I take magazines from waiting rooms of several places.
    I have very low self esteem, but I am one of the most "living out loud" people you will ever know. I guess it is my own form of self-therapy, in trying to figure myself out.
    I am currently deathly afraid that i will be a bad mommie to my unborn daughter. Yet, in my heart, I know it will all be ok.
    I tell little white lies to prevent hurting others regulary, but otherwise I am honest to the point that many wonder why i practice law.
    When i walk into the grocery store, sometimes I "sample" along the way.
    There are ppl i my life that i really don't like, yet I am unable to "break up" with them, per the amoutn of time they have been in my life.
    I'm not bad. I'm human. And so are we all…. :)

  6. Soooo…where did the lady go? What happened to her bag? Why were you at a resort pool?

  7. People care what other people think because other people judge them. It's that simple. You know how when we're home and somebody looks at us, before they start talking they look us up and down? That's why people care.

    When I found out that some people buy clothing, wear it and then return it, I was absolutely disgusted, and grossed out at the idea that I might be wearing something somebody else sweated in. But then I realized as the type of person who stalks a $50 dress waiting for it to go on sale, I shouldn't worry, because the types of clothes I buy are not the types of clothes people do that with.

    The very first thing I thought when reading your description of the woman was, "She may be rich, but she's an idiot – suede should NOT be near a pool!" Her stupidity was confirmed for me when you said she was reading the Kite Runner – of course she'd be reading a best seller and not some random author that she actually likes. She's a sheep.

    See? Even I, who won't pay $50 for a dress, judge others. :)

  8. I grew up in a family that kept secrets. When you grow up in that type of environment, you tend not to trust people very much, because you always wonder what they might be hiding. I am not a keeper of secrets or a liar, but I have had to work on that part of myself that wants to pry, looking at my SO's e-mails, phone records, digging through old photos, love letters, etc.

  9. Eh. We all do it. Every single one of us, no one is 100% honest all the time. It's impossible. People's feelings would get hurt, others would feel betrayed.
    However, I will say that the whole "I dont give a shit…this is me, love it or not, I dont care" can be offputting to some people- unfortunately. My mom is this way. I am. My brother. Blunt is what people tend to slap a label on. I like forthright better.
    Good blog.

    I stole a pack of M&Ms when I was 6 in the TimeSaver up from our hosue that we called "the little store." My brother and I were up there and I decided I wanted those Skittles. My brother had money and I didnt (like always, he's a saver, im a spender) so I took that pack of Skittles and just took off out of the store. My brother was so embarrassed and had to pay for the Skittles.

    Oh and I stole my cousin's framed pic of Ken from her Malibu house one Christmas our families spent together. I was pissed she got the Malibu house and I got some generic inflatable dollhouse. It was bullshit!
    I returned the pic upon my next visit to her house and she never knew it was me who took it.

  10. I find this post on honesty and admitting our mistakes very interesting, as just the other day I tried to post a couple of comments regarding my thoughts on you giving advice to people you don't know (i was against it). You wouldn't post my comments, but i did notice that you changed both the text of the original posting, as well as the text to your reply to one commenter in particular (the commenter was 'Me Too'), to acknowledge that you can't possibly completely understand the personal circumstances of others.
    I'm not trying to take credit for those changes, because my guess is that there are others who would also have pointed out that it's rather contradictory to snap at your readers for passing judgment on your life/choices based on the few paragraphs you share with us, yet you feel completely comfortable offering definitive advice to people you've never met or spoken to, have only assessed their situations based on a comment posted on your blog or an email.
    I'm guessing that you won't post this either, but I'd be curious to know if you'd portray that as honesty – I mean, wouldn't it be so much more 'straight up' for you to just say once in a while, "you know what, that's actually a good point"?

  11. Stephanie, I love the imagery here.

    It’s funny because this woman at the pool has created a reality for herself that she most likely adopted from comparing herself to others. By coveting what someone else had. Not original (I’m not even talking the breasts). And most likely, not her authentic self is even being expressed. So, in a way, we are coveting a facade.

    Maybe if we are faithful to what we presently find in our own hands – not looking to what we are going to become someday, or what we might have in the future – we might actually find that we can be content with where we are at, the season we are in, maybe even take PRIDE in it because it is OURS. And, ultimatly, be more willing/confident to “come out” and admit our true reality to others.

  12. Ha! Skittles not M&Ms. That's funny b/c I used to get them confused as a kid too.
    I read an article about your book last night. When is your pilot thing starting?

  13. Green- call her an idiot for bringing suede to a pool, yeah I agree. But an idiot for reading The Kite Runner because it's a best seller? Nah… How & why do you think they become best sellers? Now if she were reading Teen magazine or one of those tabloid mags.

  14. Hey Green, Kite Runner is an amazing book…how do you think it became a best seller? I love it when the 'cool' people decide that something's only worthy if nobody else knows about it.

    Relax, you can still like Coldplay. We won't judge you.

  15. There was an article in Sunday's NY Times which pointed out that comparing ourselves to others, discussing others' strengths and weaknesses with third parties, back-biting and gossiping, are intrinsic to our nature as humans. This behavior is not only NOT bad, it serves the fundamental purpose of helping us survive and succeed in large groups. My point? Don't beat yourself up about it. Everyone cares what others think of them- we're supposed to, it's what makes us the peculiar animal that we are.

  16. Hi Stephanie. I really enjoyed your post. When I was in pre-school, we were eating some sort of snack that involved jelly and I accidentally dropped a huge blob of it into a girl's hightop shoe. I didn't know what to do and of course I didn't want to get in trouble so I didn't say anything. Of course, the girl wound up with jelly on her foot and our teacher wanted to find the culprit. It never crossed her mind that I (or a girl) could have done this.

    This led you into (in my opinion) an entirely different discussion about hiding and concealing who we are/aspects of who we are. In college, I felt as though everyone came from extremely wealthy families and I did not. I didn't think they really understood what it was like to struggle financially and I tried to conceal the fact that I did. The thing is, if I had to do college over, I think I would have done the same thing. People do judge you and I didn't want to be judged. With other people who could possibly understand what I was talking about that would be a different story but for someone who could not empathze, why would I divulge something so personal?

  17. 'But I don't want it enough to work for it'… my feelings exactly. I covet but don't work at it… if only I were a more disciplined gym go-er. ;)

  18. We care about other people's impressions of us because we are deeply social beings. Why else would someone have a blog, if not to share one's life experiences with others? Dogs, wolves, and orangutans are all aware of subtle power dynamics within the group. And so are we.

    We know nothing about this woman. You felt jealous of her bc of her purse and her body. I would have too. You wanted to transfer this onto Phil and make him the culprit, him the one who covets, but in the end it is you. And though you don't need me to say it, I'll say it anyway: it's ok to be jealous.

    Leaving a purse unattended, however, is reckless. Her phone, ipod, wallet and identity could have been stolen. Maybe she grew up on a commune? Even if she did, she doesn't live on one anymore. Somewhere being leaving all your possesions unattended and feeling imaginary scorpions crawling all over your body, there's got to be a middle ground.

  19. It really annoys me that you're my age. If you were older I could always just chalk it up to THAT and say 'I'll get there too eventually'.

    A friend of mine keeps telling me I'll learn to be less self involved when I have children…because your priorities change with that life event. Apparently.

  20. This weekend, I was at the beach and saw a woman with the perfect bikini, the perfect tan and the perfect abs.

    I looked down at my Target bikini, pale Irish skin with 2 scars from skin cancer being removed and those extra 5 lbs that won't go away.

    I don't want to give up beers with friends, pasta dinners with my sweetheart, no credit card debt and skin cancer-free skin (for now) to be her. I love it all too much and I think I am still beautiful, in my own way. I will too complain, but not enough to give it all up.

    Love your posts, Stephanie!

  21. Diane — I agree completely. It's one thing to hide something or lie because you don't want people judging you because you're too insecure to take it or something like that. It's another to hide something because you want to be treated normally, as if it's not an issue. Because people do judge, and treat you differently for things they shouldn't, and it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you or your self esteem.

  22. Wearing clothes and returning them is not disgusting, its the reason they have return policies. Sometimes the thing is not comfortable and you don't know til you wear it. and hey, its not great but sometimes you need a dress a dress for a occasion you can't afford. relax folks, nothing is pristine! ; )

  23. Stephanie,

    You wrote about her appearance and it got me wondering about your post-baby appearance (I too had a baby recently). Did you get stretch marks? If so, how do you feel about them? What does Phil think? I need an honest man's opinion. My husband swears they don't bother him but, really. They must. Maybe it could be a future post?

    Best!

  24. I would never buy something to wear knowing I couldn't really afford it and return it later. I don't want anything I can't call "mine". I don't borrow stuff from people either for the same reason.

    Yaba & Virgosun- however you want to rationalize it to yourself is fine, but that doesn't make it any less wrong or freaking GROSS. Would you want to be the recipient of a "used" dress??

    No one is perfect…and I covet things other people have, but I'm glad I at least have the mindset to realize that I wouldn't want anyone else's life but my own. I'd love a smaller ass, a house with more closets, and the Versace handbag ($2695) that was gone in one day at Nordstroms (not by me). But, I also remember that I have the best husband ever and other stuff that someone else probably covets and I wouldn't trade any of mine for those things.

    Not everyone worries about skin cancer. Some of us just live. It's a great feeling to not be that neurotic.

  25. CONFESSION: At Target the other day, I put my box of Huggies on the bottom shelf of my cart. When I got to my car, I noticed it was still there and had not been scanned when I checked out. I didn't go back and report it. I thought to myself…sweet! A free box of Huggies.

  26. Hmmm. Some of us "just live" for 32-odd years and then all of a sudden the dermatologist tells us that the itchy mole is in fact melanoma. Even though I am safe now, I wish I'd worried a little more about skin cancer before I got it. (But I think skin cancer, especially melanoma, is fairly random. I am a blue-eyed redhead with fair skin, so I have several risk factors, but I know people with my complexion who have been sunworshippers their whole life and haven't got cancer yet. And I know a couple of dark-skinned melanoma survivors. So given the randomness, it doesn't make all that much sense to worry about it too much).

  27. Marie,

    I have stretch marks and I don't even have any children!!
    I know there are worst things in this world to have, but mine really do bother me because I don't have the "I carried a baby" excuse.. I am chubby, I'll admit it.. and I believe mine must be genetic because I know many people who weigh more than me (who also haven't had children) that don't have any.. I guess it's just life!

    I also worry what men must or will think of me.. I am only just 26 and feel my youth was kind of robbed so-to-speak.. I wish I could run around in a bikini but I'd be too embarassed.. my stretch marks are the pale, white ones too.. not totally obvious, but I'm sure every man in the room would notice them and be disgusted!

  28. Steph with f-

    LAUGH! That was hilarious. And I did that with a bigass pack of sugarfree Red Bull once at Wal-Mart. I felt guilty but I sure as shit wasn't taking it back in there to be scanned.

  29. TSDK, while your response to what i said doesn't bother me in the least…your response as relates to skin cancer was downright uncaring and totally insensitive. Not to mention bad karma…

  30. Am I the only one who lauders/dry cleans new clothing before wearing it?

  31. I would much rather be labelled a "sheep" and read a fantastic book that has become a best seller through word of mouth among readers than waste my time reading shit books in hope of finding a good writer that nobody has heard about except me. Because guess what? If someone is a good writer people find out about it – and fast. Better off a well-read sheep than a pretentious elitist.

  32. You weren't at the Lakeway thing on Sunday evening, were you? I didn't go, but I'm planning on the Guy Forsythe event … hope to see you there! (We met a year or so ago before you moved here. Thrilled to see how well you and the family are taking to Austin!)

  33. Yaba- it was totally appropriate. SK wrote that she watched this woman tan and wondered if she worried about skin cancer.

    Some people get skin cancer who don't tan, some people get lung cancer that don't smoke, etc. To me, it would seem like common sense that if someone is out there tanning, they're aren't too worried about skin cancer.

    If you aren't worried about how your "used" clothes affect anyone else, I'm wondering why you're so concerned about my "insensitivity". lol.

  34. ick – i have a totally different perception knowing that after you took photos of yourself in all of the great clothes that appear on your site – you RETURNED THEM??

  35. Purchasing clothing with the intention to wear and then return is fucked up. Some people rely on sales commission to pay bills and buy food. My heart sinks everytime I get a paycheck with the return total in the thousands. My shop is not your personal closet or library. People who do that SUCK.

  36. Soooooo….what happened to the bag, did she come back and why did y'all go to a resort?? A resort in Austin??

  37. if i had a three thousand dollar bag, i'd get The Club for it and watch it like a hawk. i'm no thief, but if i were to see someone else walk off with her excessively large nano-case, i'd consider it justice served.

  38. Okay, let me explain my statement. It was the whole package that made her a sheep, and I guess because the only part of that woman I could possibly relate to is that she was reading a book, it's what I picked up on. It's what sealed the deal to make her a sheep. Nano, Gucci, $$$ bag, fake tits, and then, the book. There was NOTHING about Stephanie's description of this woman that made her sound like she had an original thought of her own – just goes for what she sees is popular.

    I'm not against reading best-sellers simply because they ARE best-sellers. I'm against people ONLY choosing a book that's on the best-seller list or marked as an Oprah book. Yes, I'm making tons of assumptions about the woman based on very little, and, second-hand information. Hmmm… so I'm judging her. And I'm sure you're judging me, deciding I must be jealous that she can afford such an expensive bag and an iPod. You'd be wrong. I could afford it, I just choose to spend my money differently and happen to be attracted to people who, in some way, exhibit some depth and personality, which this woman doesn't seem to, based on the description we got of her.

  39. TSKD: for your own future reference, you might want to actually read what you post about before you actually do the posting, and it wouldn't hurt to review your own writing as well. Oh, and last thought for you….there is insensitive, and then there is asshole. Guess which one you are? "lol"

  40. "I'd rather look and live like I do and just complain from time to time." This sentence is perfect. It might be my new mantra.

  41. While I'm glad you didn't steal the bag, I sure wish you had peeked inside to see what she had in there! I have a nosey curiosity about what people carry in their purses/bags.

    FROM STEPHANIE: Nope, didn't peek, didn't steal. And last night, as I was falling asleep, I racked my brain trying to think of anything else I might have stolen. Nothing came to mind. Then I thought of "all" the clothes I've worn and returned. You know I've only done it twice! The first time, it was a pair of jeans. I was in the process of losing weight, and I wore a pair of jeans without removing the tag, wondering how long they'd actually fit. I wore them twice, and then they were too big. You know how jeans give. So I returned them and bought the smaller size.

    Second time… here's some background… I was going to a lot of photo shoots. Usually the magazine will provide you with a stylist and clothes in your size. It depends on the magazine. Elle US provides you a stylist and hair make-up person. Elle UK does not. So for my shoot with Elle UK, I needed something to wear… "Like five outfits," they said. Dear lord, it's not easy finding five outfits you actually like yourself in, you know, enough to appear in a magazine wearing. So I had a few things I'd already owned, shopped for some more. Bought a Catherine Malandrino dress that I loved (and subsequently that's the only shot they ended up using), and a white top with a gathered skirt from Barney's New York. Well, after wearing the top and skirt for one photo shoot, knowing full well I'd only wear them for the shoot and would never spend $1795 on a skirt! I returned them. I kept the dress. But the skirt and top went back after a single photo shoot. Would I do it again? Of course! Elle US did it with the clothes I wore for their shoot, returned them after I'd worn them… so please.

  42. First off, Stephanie, do not make any apologies for wearing clothes and returning them. A shitload of people do it and Im guessing even some of those who have claimed the idea disgusts them. Please.

    Second, I cant remember who said but man it's not nuerotic to worry about skin cancer, especially if you're fair and have red hair. That was kind of a stupid statement.
    Anyway, I love that you admitted all your true thoughts on this, Stephanie, and I hope you dont go back and condition them for your readers.

    *steals your book*

  43. Geez. Bitchy people today. Perhaps we're all PMSing.. do you think frequenting the same blog will synch our cycles the way rooming together allegedly does? Chocolate anyone? (please don't jump on ME now, I'm halfway kidding. About the chocolate, at least. I don't like chocolate.)

  44. stephanie FYI elle does not return the clothes to the store after you wear them…they are borrowed from showrooms…its the only way magazines work…unless they are a super shitty mag with no contacts.

    FROM STEPHANIE: Good to know.

  45. Am currently in your exact spot thinking similar things. Will my bag of worthless shi* be there when I get back from a swim or a run down the waterslide with my kid? Lot's of people and commotion going on so that stealing would be easy. I have a certain trust in fellow man which makes me comfortable enough that my sunscreen and yes, crackberry, will be there upon my return. However, I don't think I have that much trust which would allow me to leave what Miss Perfect left before she disappeared. By the way, what ever happened to her???

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