ass acne

In ALL, KNOCKED UP by Stephanie Klein34 Comments

In a recent email I was asked, quite nicely, to blog about ass acne.  "I warned my gfs about this one, and they didn’t believe me."  All I can say is SAY IT AIN’T SO.  Yes, when you stop breastfeeding your breasts recoil and resemble cartoon boobs.  Not Jessica Rabbit.  We’re talking the kind kids draw on old ladies.  Long U’s.  I actually like my smaller breasts.  There’s less of me.  I don’t take up as much space.  It feels good.  So I’m losing clumps of hair.  I had too much anyway.  I know a lot of women complain about this time in their lives when their stomachs look like a deflated balloon, but I’m happy.  I know the weight will come off.  I’ve lost ten pounds.  I’ll lose more, but I refuse to do it quickly, refuse to be miserable about any of it.  I’m going to drink wine and eat carbs when I want.  I’m healthy and happy, and for once don’t feel like complaining.  My children are beautiful and happy, and I love falling in love with them.  It’s frightening going out with them, alone.  Just me and my beans.  Phil has been away in New York this week, and while I’ve missed him, I really loved the space.  Right now, even, it’s just the kids and me.  And I love doing things my way, just me and my children.  It’s the only time, or at least the first real time, when I feel like a mom.  When it’s just us, and they have to rely on me, and they need me, just me.  I like being their mother.  Even when they’re both crying at the same time. 

Tomorrow I’m taking them out on a play date.  Alone.  Just me and my kids, and I’m just so happy.  Now, if you tell me I’m going to have ass acne, I’m certain I’ll be back to the Stephanie you all know and love, and love to hate. 


  1. It's so nice to hear you sounding so happy. Never had ass acne, but, yes, your hair falls out when the babies are a few months old, but just for a while, and not enough to notice. My biggest complaint was after breastfeeding my kids for over 3 yrs total, I WISH I had enough boobs left to even look like deflated balloons. The constant filling up/shrinking/filling up/shrinking left me shrunk. :o( Even the women in Victoria's Secret tell me they don't have bras that will fit me. That part of bf'ing sucked – no pun intended.

  2. No ass acne for me. I DID suffer from facial acne for months and months after I stopped breastfeeding. I also went back to work when EM was about 10 mos old – so maybe it was stress related?

    Enjoy the time you have with your beautiful babes.

  3. Wow, Steph, you sound great. Print these lines you just wrote and store them in the place in your house where you usually are when you are unhappy with yourself, your life and the world in general so you can read them then. Cheers and have a good day with your kids.

  4. ummm….ok. I'll tell you it ain't so. I haven't got even one memory of acne in any weird places after bf'ing 2 kids a year each. You sound so peaceful.

  5. After my sister had her beans her hair was constantly falling out in clumps. She asked her stylist about it and she said to start taking a multivitamin (or prenatals are fine still too) daily, to help balance your body back out, within 2 weeks it had completely stopped! Just a tip.

  6. Hilarious title! It is great to start the day reading something so positive. Glad you and your little ones are doing well.


  7. I think others would agree with me, the new Stephanie is pretty damned spectacular!!

    Being a mom, is the best thing on the planet. Truly. Just always keep that "This isn't a dress rehearsal" frame of mind, and you'll have more joy and love than you can possibly imagine.

    I can't wait to hear your stories…the kids first trip to New York, thier first visit to Disneyland, their first day of school…Woman, you'll have enough storylines to fill entire bookshelves! ~C~

  8. LAUGH!

    Okay, I was the one who emailed her about the ass acne. The "ass-ne" as Matty called it.
    I did get it after having my kid. I had really great skin before having him. I rarely got a zit, let alone a zit in the crack of my ass.
    It went away right around the time my hair stopped falling out. But even now with my kid being almost four, my skin gets dry VERY easily and it never did before. It's always interesting to see what changes a body goes through, because everyone is different. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worst. Maybe temporary, maybe permanently. Your hormones get allllll fucked up. For example, my nails grow like crazy now whereas before I had to get gel tips.
    When I shave now, I have to use shave gel because I get ingrowns a lot easier.
    Do any of the moms in here cry more after having a baby? I do.

    Hormones, man.

    Thank you for blogging this, Stephanie.
    You make me laugh and Im so happy you're so happy.

    It sounds like you had some great bond time with the babies. Kind of a plus that Phil travels for his job at times, because as they get older that will be even more just you-and-the-twins time.
    We used to make a night of it when my dad went on business trips. and it was just me, my brother and my mom. We'd make Chef Boyardee pizza, rent a movie, play games.

    Hair falling out- you had too much anyway- I haaaaaate youuuuuu…
    I had bald patches. It was beautiful.

  9. Whoa, ass acne…. yikes! Nope, don't remember that. AND I hope it will not be a menopausal side effect… (-;

    My childbirth experience entailed lots of hair falling out, leg hair virtually stopped growing so I shave once a year, developed an immediate allergy to animal dander and tan faster if I choose to sunbathe. Pretty weird stuff.

  10. Sorry, one more thing.

    That's awesome that you're going to take them out tomorrow. I was thinking of you when one of my gfs who lives out in OK was telling me how she needs to meet more women.

    You have a perfect avenue right here on your blog for meeting people. Surely there are females out in Austin who read your blogs, are dying to meet you, and some probably have kids for playdates when they get older.

    It's nice to have the kids grow up together, but it's not until they're around a year and half that they actually start playing with one another anyway.
    Then it's hilarious and so damn cute to watch them interact with each other.
    My kid didnt go on real playdates until he was around two.

    good for you!

  11. Personally, I think you are loving the alone time with just you and your kids. I still love it! It's a great feeling every now and then.

  12. I've tried to figure out, but have yet to do so: what line of work is Phil in that he works out of the house and travels so much? Pharm. sales?

    As for ass-ne…I have a friend who has it and she has never been pregs, and has great skin otherwise. And its bad, because she is a picker. But, its not in her crack…its on the buns…sad but true.

    As for babes…I had my first ultrasound yesterday and saw my little bun for the first time. It really is as if my whole life has changed overnight. Crazy. :)

    It's a beautiful day in my neck of the woods (CT)…hope everyone else is experiencing the same.

    P.S. my preg thus far has been without much morning sickness, etc., BUT: (speaking of butts…) I have terrible terrible terrrible stomach issues…and i have tried everything. . . tons of water, fiber, blah blah blah…does anyone have an good hints? Thanks!

    FROM STEPHANIE: Phil runs a hedge fund which is based in New York. The NY office has traders and portfolio managers.

  13. Sounds like you are in a great place right now. I feel the same way about the weiht. It will come off and i will not stop living my life as I enjoy it. I will drink wine and have dessert if I feel like it just not everyday. Remember this:
    'A mother who radiates self-love and acceptance actually vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem.'" wonderfully put by Naomi Wolf you can add son to the saying or just say children.
    I think it is something all of us need to say to ourselves now that we have children. I worry about this for my daughter and although she is still so young I am working on this so when she is old enough to see me for who I am she sees a mother who loves herself.

  14. "Yes, when you stop breastfeeding your breasts recoil and resemble cartoon boobs. Not Jessica Rabbit. We're talking the kind kids draw on old ladies. Long U's."
    ACK! My boobs recoiled too! I'm sort of resigned to it- but when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I think of those drawings of "real women" you see in college art shows- not beautiful, idealized female forms, but "real women with real bodies." Sigh.
    This is the writing I, personally, love. You're funny, clever, intelligent. Keep it up.

  15. Whatnext – If you need something to settle your stomach, try the syrup from canned apricots. Worked for me when I was pregnant, although I can't stand to look at the stuff now. If you mean…um…what fiber is supposed to be helpful for, the best thing is Miralax. It's an over-the-counter powder that you can add to any warm liquid and you drink it everyday (of course, ask your OB first). My son has IBS, and it's been a miracle – better than any prescribed meds he's been on. Good luck, feel well and congrats.

  16. Hi WhatNext?

    I go for my first ultrasound on Wednesday and I CAN'T wait! How many weeks are you? I'll be 7 weeks on Tuesday. To answer your question….I, too, am having stomach issues but minimal morning sickness at this point. I was wondering if the stomach issues are in place of the morning sickness…or maybe that doesn't happen. Anyway, I'm going to ask my doctor on Wed. for any suggestions. Until then, good luck…we'll hang in there.

  17. Congrats, Steph…..and cheers to contentment, weight loss and loving your beans :)

    And as far as the long U's… friends and I call them 40-longs. Not sure why, but it makes me laugh (and cringe) every time.

    There's no shame in plastic surgery. Everything in moderation, right?!

  18. I'm sure the beans will LOVE the quality time with you… as for ass acne… thanks for making me not covet your life as a mom so much today. ;)

  19. Stomach problems- if you do take metamucil (if you're gassy?) be sure to go lightly on it. The more you take the gassier (that's a word right) you'll be.

    And those who are going to their ultrasounds- one thing my doc failed to tell me- bring a video cassette. They can tape the ultrasound for you. I just brought the same one for every ultrasound so they'd all be on one tape.
    Ultrasounds were my favorite part of pregnancy other than when he'd roll around and play in utero.

  20. Andrea: thanks…i'll find out asap about that product from my doc…i'm (sorry to be gross) soooooo backed up…i look 10 years pregnant. ha!
    Debbie: 12 weeks …feel free to email me directly, anytime,( for any chat as you progress…3 of my best friends and my cousin (i'm an only child of parents who live in MS) have given birth in the last few months…so they are my wealth of info that i'm taking total advantage of and i'd love to return the favor.
    SK: sorry to take up your space with my own sunshine. I never fully appreicated all your baby stuff until now. I've loved reading your blog for so many reasons, baby stuff even more so now. Maybe I should start a blog too??? You'd be my inspiration…hee hee (no flack from the haters, please). -S

  21. Yeah, crazy hormones. Never had ass-ne, but facial acne after my first pregnancy. I thought it would get better when I stopped breastfeeding, but my hormones had other plans… and yes, my hair was falling out, but the stylist said it`s normal (hormones, what else). One year later my skin was fine again and so was my hair. BTW, I`m pregnant again and I`m curious what my hormones planned for me this time…

  22. Loved this, short, quaint, sweet. Enjoy your time alone with babies!
    My friend is about to deliver in a few days, baby is at 8.5 lbs and doesn't want to come out, she's not even dilated at all, so I'm so nervous and anxious (but happy) for her, so it's nice to see the cheerful, moving end-results of crazy pregnancies!

  23. Nice to hear you so happy and content. As you should be! You have a beautiful healthy and happy family. Life is good.

  24. He runs a HEDGE FUND? First a doctor, and now a hedgie…OMG Stephanie, you are a jewish girl's IDOL. Hahah (Just Kidding). But seriously…

  25. it is scary to go out with young babies at first, solo. keep in mind, as a new mother you have the license to leave a full shopping cart in the aisle if someone has a breakdown. actually there's a whole slew of things you 'get to do' because you're a new mom.

  26. Glad, glad, glad to hear you happy as a new mom! "when they are both crying at the same time" I admire that!

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