young, dumb, and full of cum, or something like that

In ALL, DATING & MATING by Stephanie Klein50 Comments

"Hey, do you remember me telling you about a nineteen-year-old I was going to meet up with?"
"Yes, I remember."
"She sent me a nudie pic.  Want to see it?"
"…"
"No face."
"No."
"Really????????? I figured you would."
"Why would I want to see her naked?
"I don’t know.  Curiosity."
"Dude, you better not fall in love with her."
"Why’s that?"
"Because that’s REALLY disrespectful."
"You don’t know her name, and she doesn’t show her face."
"First, she’s a fucking idiot for sending it."
"It’s the age.  They all do it.  And I agree."
"I was nineteen.  They don’t all do it. And second, if she knew you were passing it around, would she be flattered?"
"I don’t know."
"Or would she be pissed?"
"Both.  Who knows?  I don’t understand the young."
"I don’t know if it’s the age.  I just think she’s dumb."
"That’s a synonym for youth."
"Or has no respect for herself, even though she’d argue she’s a ‘free spirit’ who’s not confined by societies expectations.  Then she’d fucking giggle."
"I can’t believe you don’t want to see."
"You know what I’d see if you sent it?"
"What?"
"That you have no feelings for the girl."
"Of course I have no feelings for the girl. We’ve emailed a few times."
"I’d also play detective, staring at the environment it was shot in, like her dorm room or something. I’d want to see what books she had on her shelf or something.  Then I’d wonder how a girl who read The Fountainhead could be posing naked for herself, setting up her little timer, then sending that shit out there, to virtual strangers."
"So, take a look."
"You know, once I got beyond the size of her nipples or the way she groomed her crotch."
"Both very interesting in her case, by the way."
"Then I’d look at her bedding.  I bet it has flowers on it.  I’d bet she’s blond, with dark roots, but that’s too cliche, so I’m guessing she’s a brunette who envies her blond friends.  She doesn’t have a tatt does she?"
"No."
"One of those tramp stamps?"
"I’m not answering questions about the nineteen-year-old unless you look at her picture. And what’s a tramp stamp?"
"The tatt on her lower back, right above the ass."
"Oh, I prefer to call it ‘a target.”"
"Why would you call it a target?  It’s not on her actual asshole."
"Nooo, it’s something to aim at when I cum."
"Allrightythen."
"…"
"You know, she may have one.  Maybe the photo she sent is full-frontal, and you wouldn’t know."
"I think they show no imagination.  They’re trendy and in, but ugh."
"I think her sending you a naked picture of herself shows no imagination."
"And so it goes.  You want to see it now more than ever, don’t you?"

Comments

  1. Only because I crack up when people keep posting this request like it's their birthright to see them PLUS the bonus that the resquest is so wildly out of place on this post…

    PICTURES OF THE TWINS???

  2. Sorry, but to me this post just smacks of you trying to revisit the 'vibe' of your blog before you got married/had kids – but it just falls flat. maybe i missed it, but what was the point of this entry, besides an attempt to get back to a more 'raunchy' tone?

  3. dude..LOVE the tramp stamp. that shit is too funny!!!

    and i have 8 tats..just none on my lower back. maybe i'll get my own tramp stamp. maybe not.

  4. This is hilarious. I've always heard it called a bullseye (for obvious reasons, I think), but "tramp stamp" is way better…because that's exactly what it is. I remember being in college and thinking a tatt was a good idea. I'm SO glad now that I was too chicken shit to do it.

  5. Man, Gwen needs to get a life! Everything doesn't need a point and Stephanie can write whatever the fuck she wants to about whatever the fuck she wants to. Nothing requires your approval or critique. It is a BLOG POST. Say it with me A BLOG POST.

  6. I am not really sure I understand it either. I tend to skim and scam while I am reading and I was afraid I missed something in doing so. Then I took and read every word and I am not sure I understand it.
    Oh well.

  7. Gwen, Stephanie said she'd be posting stuff from journals and stuff because she doesn't have time to write. I'm assuming this is one of those posts.

    And I liked it. :-)

  8. oh you fawning sycophants. stephanie didn't make up tramp stamp. it's been in the vernacular for a long time. nor did she make up furkid or wasband or the other atrocities she perpetuates upon the english language.

  9. Do you really need to say "fawning sycophants" as opposed to just saying "sycophants" ? I mean, seems a bit repetitive to me. I think fawning is implied when you call someone a sycophant. I'm just sayin…

    I prefer to use more common word pairings like "insolent know-it-all" or "insufferable jackass".

  10. ratso (lovely name, btw!)- why do i need to get a life? i just made a comment, which, from what i understand from the 'Post a Comment' page, is allowed, perhaps even encouraged? Say it with me, it's a COMMENT SECTION.
    Perhaps next time you have the urge to leap to S's defense you should ask yourself what is the point of sticking your tongue so far up her ass?

  11. A good point, but I think Stephanie's more zealous fans deserve as many adjectives as possible, however redundant they might be. Like, oh I don't know, tiresome douchbag?

  12. One more thing – while i personally didn't find this post an interesting read in and of itself, i have to say i DO find it very strange (and interesting) that it is all about cutting up a young girl who poses naked for a photo and(presumably) posts it online or emails it so that it enters the public domain. As someone who takes so much pride in 'exposing herself' on your blog, isn't it a bit contradictory to say that she doesn't respect herself (I admit that i am assuming here that you're one of the people speaking in this exchange, and that it's not fictional)? don't you and she have more in common than you'd perhaps like to admit? And this isn't a critique, i'm quite simply curious – can you honestly say that you're 100% positive that you won't ever regret anything you've ever posted on this blog somewhere down the road?

  13. Gwen,

    Pointing out your comment comes from some sense of entitlement has nothing to do with my appreciating SK's post. In fact I didn't make any statement either way. For all you know i could not have enjoyed the post. The BIG difference here is I recognize it is JUST A BLOG POST. In fact it is characterized as a writing excercise. Nothing to read into. Not about Stephanie. Not about you. Why are you dissecting it? I do not feel the need to go out of my way to tall the writer how bad it is, how it doesn't live up to my standards, how I wish they wrote something else. You are the kind of person that complains about the free samples at the supermarket. Have a nice weekend.

  14. What is the deal with guys that want to overshare? I've been in this situation too. I always kinda wondered why the guy thought I would be so interested in all his gory and vivid details. I've chalked it up to it being the fact that it is usually on of my boyfriend's friends and me being the kind of girl that they are comfortable with and obviously aren't trying to impress.

    This post was funny. No need to look any deeper then that.

  15. Last year a 14 yr old girl (who looks 18) in my son's grade e-mailed a topless pic of herself to her boyfriend. When they broke up, he sent copies of it to EVERYONE. And, tney showed 2 friends, and they showed 2 friends, and so on, and so on… It was literally everywhere. Her reputation was bad to begin w/, but now it's completely shot. Big mistake…and I do mean BIG!

  16. Whew … so glad I don't have a tramp stamp .. I missed that era by a smidge … along with the eyebrow piercings.
    Funny, I thought of the wasband sharing this w/you as well. Can totally see it!

  17. I think many, many people missed the tag "writing exercise" on this post. Too many of you take everything Stepahnie writes way to seriously…enjoy her blog for what it is, interesting stories about an interesting life.

  18. Hysterical. Both the post and especially the comments. I can't believe I am even commenting perpetuating the bickering going on between two people who obviously take these things a little too seriously. Keep going. We are all laughing waiting to read the comments escalate into a full out brawl. The next thing should be Ya Mamma digs going back and forth.

    As for the rest of us daily readers we just want to see the naked pic. SK at least you could have posted a titillating picture for us.

  19. Stephanie, sometimes I enjoy reading the comments section of your blog almost as much as your entries. The cross-section of readers you attract is fascinating. With each entry, you get a completely different group of people with something to say about your writing, talent, personality, personal choices and parenting skills.

    My favorites, however, are the ones who purport to psychoanalyze you, as if the information you post on this blog gives them 1) the right to offer such an analysis and 2) the information necessary to do so. And of course, I'm certain each of these individuals is an expert in the field.

    Who needs therapy when you have hundreds of anonymous readers to tell you exactly what is wrong with everything you do? Maybe I should start a blog…

  20. Is it me, or for the past week have the NUT houses' thrown open their doors and given out free computers? Although I may not agree with everything SK writes. I ENJOY her musings and writing style. I thought the point of coming to this blog was entertainment,curiosity,to catch a glimpse of someone else's life. While I respect that the comment section is offered for people to express their thoughts about the post. It seems to be overrun lately with negative trolls, who instead of attacking the subject are attacking the writer.
    I am confused, are these people actually naive enough to think, that because a woman marries and has children that she absolutely loses her sexuality and abandon? DO YOU TURN IT IN LIKE AN EXPIRED PASSPORT OR LICENSE? Get a grip.

  21. Oh, when I read WRITING PROMPT, I am guessing this is an assignment like I had once to write a scene just using dialogue. It was a lot of fun – I wrote about a husband and wife taking a pregnancy test, and when we got to class, we had to assign people to read for each part. It was so fun! I might have to post it on my blog now that you've reminded me of it!

    Didn't they call it a target in Wedding Crashers? Isn't the mouth also a target?? KIDDING! JUST KIDDING! LOL… and finally so funny about you calling it a Tramp Stamp, cuz I never heard of that term until last week when my 7 yo daughter asked me to put a fake tatt on her lower back, and her father came home and saw it and said, "What's she doing with a tramp stamp?"

    HAHaH!

    How are the babies doing?!?!!

  22. Oh, and I just clicked on the pics of the twins–the ones where they're in the baskets are cute–kinda Anne Gettyish, huh?

    Love AUTOMATIC SPRINKLER on Lucas' shirt.

  23. I have to admit I'm getting sick of the whole "down with tramp stamps!" thing. It's almost as boring and unimaginative as tramp stamps were to begin with, and feels like one of those intellectual bandwagons everyone likes to hop onto.

    That said, this was probably old, which would make more sense.

    Also, I'm with you: you really can't show people naked pictures of anyone you plan to date. It makes the wedding awkward for everyone a few years later.

  24. It was not so long ago that I was 19 and they don't all do it, you're right. Where do you get your inspirations to write things like this, out of curiosity??

  25. Ratso,

    I like how you said "You are the kind of person that complains about the free samples at the supermarket".

    I just know that no matter what someone says, somebody is always gonna have something positive or negative to say.

    I admit I was confused as to what this post was..until I saw on her tag "writing exercise"..and like you said in your other comments it is a blog post. It feels good to see another person who appreciates what another person has to say, without taking a side on things.

  26. I love the variety of your posts. Keeps me coming back for more. You're a friggen writer so write!

    P.S. my due date is two days away and I'm cranky.

    Twins are beautiful, btw.

  27. Liz–

    "Jersey Plate?" What a stupid thing to say. I did a quick search on your blog, and it appears that you're from Vermont AND live in France. So, should I make some huge generalities about you and assume you don't shower or shave your pits?

    Brat.

  28. ag-
    here in Germany we call them "Arschgeweih" (you can translate this " ass antlers", right, or "ass horns").

  29. Stephanie,

    Do you have any previous posts or new ideas for one about May-December romances? I'm 22, he's 36, would love your input on these situations.

  30. This is the some of the worst dialogue I have ever read and I've read loads of bad scripts. It's part of my job. I read half of it and scrolled down to the bottom.

    This is like bad college screenwriting dialogue. I hope you're not writing stuff like this and turning it in for your pilot script or else I can GUARANTEE you they will hire a cadre of professional writers to re-write you in Hollywood before you can say the word "stilted".

    I know it's a writing exercise, but you're better than this.

    Don't really see what the point is unless it's to show a lack of wit and a total lack of you being capable to write mildly convincing male characters.

    That said, I have never found your writing funny. I do find it somwwhat deep and insightful when you write about your personal experiences. That's why draws me to read your blog. However, you've never come close to making me laugh with your words and I think part of the point of this exercise was to make us grin with how clever you were. Didn't work.

  31. And another thing- I read a lot of chinese restaurant take out menus and you cannot write one. I have never found your writing menu-like. I've read loads of bad menus, it's part of my job. The other part is scouring the internet trying to identify things I have no business critiquing and attempting to give an opinion no one cares about or asked to hear.

    That said, i've never found your penmanship worthy of using a pen. i do find it somewhat Times Roman and that's what draws me to reading. That and my shallow, boring existence is only made better when I can anonymously complain to someone i don't know about something they never offered as anything more than an excercise. I think when i reach into my pocket and pay for something i'll be more credible in my judgements. But again, why would i do that? I feel much more comfortable writing incoherent critique with misspellings and bad grammer. please someone send me your opinion on me. I welcome it.

  32. C- I'm in a relationship with a ten year age difference. If it doesn't bother you, don't let anyone tell you any different. I have been with him for almost two years and it has been nothing but bliss. Our age difference does not even come into play. If you are constantly thinking about it, that would be another issue…

  33. ahahahahaha

    LOVE it. As I went to go get my last tattoo, I was arguing with the artist about the size of my design and I thoughtlessly blurt : "would it make you happier if I got a Dolphin tramp stamp the size of Africa?!"

    That went over well…being in a tattoo shop in Baltimore City and all.

    I am SO sad this was a writing excerise. It's hilarious.

  34. Okay, first off, it's not a tramp stamp, it's ART.
    Second, I only have a copy of The Fountenhead in my room because some boring English profesor axed us to read it.
    Third, he axed me to stick that banana up my ass.

    The comments are the best part of this blog entry. People get so worked up over some of the dumbest SHIT.

  35. I'm all about leaving more to the imagination. When I was that age, I remember the phone sex. If webcams were around then, I might have done a lot of damage. Thankfully I tore up the naked polaroids taken in the 90's. Husband is going to be shocked (I think) when I ask him to go into the other room and call me on his cell phone.

  36. I love how hardly anybody pays attention to Stephanie's writing, and just takes it upon themselves to stir up shit with complete and utter strangers on the internet; people who they will, with one hundred percent certainty, never meet or see or, in a week, ever REMEMBER. And, that's the point of a blog, isn't it? To write down memories, or post them up, so you can immortalize them and go back to things that you thought you might have forgotten and remember them? Not to chew out strangers on someone else's page, not to try to make yourself feel like your horse is higher than the next person's in line just because you looked up the word of the day on dictionary.com and it turned out to be sycophant so you need to incorporate it into your vocabulary some how? I'd much rather just enjoy the writing, or perhaps get a hobby.

    Maybe a blog of your own so you can ridicule and make fun of yourself, because you are so insecure.

  37. Oh, Dana. Of COURSE I was making incredibly offensive generalities about all the women in the state of New Jersey! I'm so glad you called me out. I was just adding an additional term to the "tattoo on the lower back" lexicon. I'd think (hope) that you'd get a little more worked up about, you know, "target," which speaks to a much more deep-seated misogyny directed at all women, rather than playful teasing directed at a state which has produced some of my very best friends. But whatever. This is taking time away from my busy Gauloise-smoking and granola-munching schedule.

  38. I dont know why Im re-reading old comments while waiting for my boss to get off the phone but I just now caught that G-redo. LAUGH!!
    That was hilarious.

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