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In ALL, FRIENDSHIP, JUDY BLUME MOMENTS by Stephanie Klein50 Comments

Actually less pathetic than ex-boyfriends are ex-friends.  I have four (This is one. There’s also two, three, and four).  One dating as far back as high school, who for her own reasons, decided to sever our friendship.  It wasn’t a subtle phase out, like outgrowing a bad hair-style.  It was a decision, like butchering off all your hair in a frustrated fit.   One day she just took our friendship away without consulting me.  So without explanation, I was left to draw my own.  I think it had to do with my consistently putting a mistake of a boy (a high school boyfriend with an unforgivable temper) before our friendship.  Yes, I was one of those.  Was.  I was seventeen; I was allowed.  I apologized, but it was too late.

It might have had to do with the fact that I told our school guidance counselor I was worried about her (and her pot consumption).  Yes, that’s right.  She ate pot.  Actually, I don’t think she was up to making cookies yet.  I really was worried about her, and it was a cool enough counselor, that I knew she wouldn’t get “in trouble.”  It wasn’t telling for tellings sake.  See, it wasn’t drugs alone, but the fact that her mother was slowly losing her battle against breast cancer.  I thought she was trying to run from her life, but maybe she was only being a teenager.  I’ll never know.

I was at that age, where certain friends choose how to run, and she choose parties and cool over her goody-goody, I won’t even try it!, friend.  Somehow, high school makes it hard to have both, and I imagine I’d have made it hard too.  Plans would be made, and I ultimately wouldn’t be included.  I was the president of the science club.  I didn’t smoke or drink.  And I don’t remember if I was fat or not, but everyone still saw me as Moose.  So I wasn’t exactly the person with whom you wanted to go to a party.  The truth, though, might be entirely different.  I never learned why my best friend of seven years stopped speaking with me.

I google her sometimes and have heard scraps about her through other high school friends.  She’s married now.  Happy, I’m told.  When I found out, I searched online for her wedding registry and found it at Bloomingdale’s.  I toyed with the idea of sending her something.  I didn’t.  I liked seeing what her taste was, clicking through her life in objects, wondering if we’d still be friends.  I still miss her so much.

I have all the letters we wrote, over summers, notes we passed in school, right here actually, in my office, next to me, even as I write this.  Her hands made these things, and it’s all I have of her now.  I’d spent so much time with her growing up (from about 5th grade to our fallout our senior year) that come Sundays when her mother liked to go to Costco along with an enormous Waldbaum’s, I’d be handed my own envelope of coupons and was directed to collect the items inside.  I loved being such a part of their family.  There was also a period in our friendship when we tickled each other, and in resisting, I must have clawed her hands because I still have the drawing she did of her hands, with scabs, declaring I’d ruin her wedding day pictures, one day when she’d get married.  I always thought, without any lick of a doubt, that I’d be there, by her side.  And it still saddens me today, not knowing her, given how well I know her past.  How I knew her mother so well, who lost her battle with cancer after my first year of college.  I remember my father calling me to say he read it in the obituaries.  I stopped what I was doing and got on the Long Island Rail Road, just like that.  I was on my way to work, and I just turned around and got on a different train.  I didn’t know how she’d react.  I didn’t care.  I was going to be there for her, whether she liked it or not.  She’d stopped speaking to me two years earlier, but I didn’t care.  I showed up.  She was still my best friend.

In the whole, “whether she liked it or not” scenario, the not bit won out.  She wasn’t cold or warm.  She was hosting shiva at her house, her mother’s house, and we can’t judge grief, so who knows how she really felt about anything.  I could tell, though, she didn’t want me there.  She was polite and said she was surprised, but it didn’t seem to be in a good way.  She had other things to think about.  Her mother had just died, and my wanting to “just help” didn’t matter. I never heard from her again.

I saw her, just before I moved out of Manhattan.  It was a weekday, and I had just seen a movie, by myself, in Murray Hill, near Phil’s old apartment.  I was so excited to see her, asking tons of questions, admitting I heard she got married.  Asked what she was doing with her life, did she like it?  She hadn’t changed at all, and really, looked beautiful, grown and mature.  She didn’t ask me anything, not about my life, or my family.  There was no exchange of number or information.  She was cold, or maybe taken off guard.  And as I walked back to Phil’s apartment, I felt a weight that hadn’t been there before.  I missed the friend I used to have, who wouldn’t be now, not the same.  I dream about her sometimes, starting up a friendship again, but like relationships with men, sometimes going back is going backwards.  She was a wonderful childhood friend, and I suppose it’s all we were meant to be, because now, talking over the phone could never be the same as the nights we spent cutting images out of magazines, calling boys, writing notes, counting calories, we can’t get that back to the same.  I do, though, have hope that I will make other friendships, along my way now, that are just as rich.

Comments

  1. It seems like too many years of friendship to just let it go, but maybe too many years have passed. It would've driven me crazy not knowing the reason . I am curious, did you come out and demand to know what the hell happened? I feel an explanation is deserved, even after all these years.

  2. Wow…….what made you think of this friend? I have a very similiar situation and often wonder what I did wrong. Will our insecurities over past mistakes ever cease?

  3. While it's probably safe to say that I have more ex-friends than I'd like to admit, there are only 2 that bring me a sort of sadness.

    I still come across pictures, notes, and presents from times that seem like a million years ago and five seconds ago all at once. I read things about them and their families with a warm heart, but each time I've encountered either one of them it's been with a cold face.

    And yes, it probably is for the best and "meant to be" but it's nice to know that regardless of how things turned out, I still have some nice memories to reflect on. After all, it wasn't always this way…

  4. wow. All that I've come to terms with is that no matter how many nights or years we've shared, how we would have picked the same item in a store today, no matter if we still use the same lingo, the same hair products or the same joys….what one person values in comparison to another, well…that's always one of a kind.

  5. You remind me of my two best childhood friends who I am blessed to still count as the closest people to me, although we're 3,000 miles away. I can't imagine life without them in it. They remind me of who I am as they have witnessed my evolution over the years. We lead our own lives but talk and visit often and it's like we're still kids. Those friends are irreplaceable and I too wish I could make that kind of friend now that I'm older.

  6. Wow, thanks for making me realize the dream I had the other night and now this post are sure signs that I need to call my true best friend, whom I've known since we were 3 (now 32 yrs. old). I dreamed we went to the Oprah show together, I lost my purse and she found it. Pretty strange seeing how we haven't spoken since before Thanksgiving. I don't even know why, except for my part, selfish as it may seem, I always feel like the one who has to make the first call. Kids or not, we are all busy, but why am I the one to have to always take the first step? I kind of feel a little resentful because of this, but I've known her all my life, I even feel guilty about the resentment. I value this friendship, I know she does too, and I guess that's why I will make that call and get over myself. It's hard to not be judgemental of the situation I have helped create, but man, for once, to be the surprised one to actually receive the call, I'd like to know that feeling. Thanks Stephanie, you've really helped me out today. I look forward to seeing what happens tonight after work, hopefully it won't be voice mail…

  7. I gues sometimes going back is going backwards. Sometimes not though. I guess it's hard to know, and it's a risk… just like going back to ex boyfriends.

  8. I was dumped by my high school best friend too. I was also worried about her drug use. She had a baby at 19 and was in big drug trouble for a long time. She's okay now, from what I hear. The kid is 6.

    I'm 25 now. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her at least once. Recently, I saw a picture of her kid on her ex-boyfriend's MySpace and felt like someone had punched me in the gut. That was supposed to be my godchild. She was supposed to be at my wedding.

    I still miss her and think that she was really the first great love of my life. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard from women that sound exactly the same. Female friendships at that age are SO intense. And you wonder- what was it all for??

    Great blog.

  9. Did you ever ask her point blank why she cut off the friendship? I would have, my curiousity would have gotten the best of me.
    I have a gf who I swore would have been my soulmate if she had been a guy. We were like an old married couple and did everything together. Had a falling out, didnt talk for a few years then I had my baby and that is what brought us back together as friends.

    You never know…

  10. Sometimes friendships die natural deaths as well, the casual eroding over the years that ends up with a revelation that you haven't spoken to that friend in months and months, the one you used to speak to on a daily basis. I think the sudden severing hurts worse of course, but I've mourned both

    It reminds me of a quote from some sit-com I used to watch, "Have you been friends for years or were you friends years ago?".

  11. Wow, it sounds a lot like an old friend of mine. She wanted to marry someone after a 2 week courtship and my dh didn't want to walk her down the aisle. She stopped speaking to me. 7 years and 3 children later (2 of mine, 1 of hers) I literally ran into her at a theme park. I cried, she laughed. We exchanged info, but still haven't reconnected. I tried a few times, but eventually decided I wasn't going to beg her to be my friend. It was like huge closure to me!

    Your post could be theraputic to you. You've said it, now you can put it behind you!

  12. Wow, this post hit home with me. I've been having torn feelings about a friend I reconnected with last year. We were best friends, and had a bad fight. I was jealous of her; she had a baby on the way, and a good husband, and was being recognized at work. I was doing all the right things too, but somehow, things came a lot harder for me than they did for her. I had to move (I was in the Air Force), and we literally never spoke to each other again. I now realize that it was such a stupid thing to do.

    I found her on Classmates.com last year and we exchanged a few emails, but I'm not sure how or if I should let this go or pursue. Of course we're not the same people, but it has bothered me that neither one of us contacted each other after our blow up, over so many years (15), and wonder if it's just not meant to be.

    I've always thought about her, and her family, throughout the years, and wonder if she's thought about me. It hurts not having closure, but I think you're right, sometimes "going back is going backwards."

    Thank you again Stephanie for taking the time to write when you have both arms full!

  13. Friends are people who are aware of our faults but forgive them and love us anyway. You are still a willing friend to her, but she is not a friend to you because she can't forgive. You're grieving for the death of a fantasy. You don't really want a friend who can't forgive you, and you'll never be able to answer why she can't. Let go of the fantasy.

  14. I wrote an almost identical post to this one on my blog. It must be such a univeral experience. After sorting through much pain, I feel that we always romanticize friendships of that era, especially ones that are no longer available to us. The unrequited emotions are so tough to stomach, and its amazing how they can still undo us, even when there are so many big things going on.

  15. I would guess she knows exactly what is going on in your life – I would guess she reads your blog, and that is why she did not ask.

    Good essay – it happens to everyone, at different points in their lives, as the one who drops and the one who is dropped. I think part of us really wants to reconnect at some point – at some point you might have the opportunity to do something for her children – when they graduate or marry.

  16. Stephanie-
    You almost made me cry and I'm at work. Your entry described my relationship with my ex best friend very closely, although we did drift apart gradually, rather than abruptly. It's reassuring that other people have the same impulses to reconcile, but with the same hesitations and heart break that I've had. I always read your blog, but this is the first time I've responded. Thank you for your words, they're my vitamins.

  17. I read a quote once that helped me sort through a similar situation…

    "Sometimes relationships are like broken glass…It would be more painful to put it back together than just to let it be."

    Your post reinforced this for me. Thank you.

  18. I too have had that happen, in the very recent past. She and I went to law school together; but were never friends then. It was many years later that we became close, through other circumstances. VERY close . . . and then we weren't. And really, I don't know for sure why, although I do of course have my ideas… She was going through a divorce, I was about to get married. She met a new guy, and totally changed. I got mad at her the night of my rehearsal for being so late, and not really caring or offering any excuse…and at the dinner that night, I was so upset, i nearly let it ruin the dinner. yet, i made a conscience decision to say my piece and deal with it like an adult. She came over to my apartment that night, to help me and my other girlfriend with some wedding stuff, but left abruptly at like 2 in the morning. It was odd. She was a reader in my wedding, and she did do that, but without any heart. She was incredibly mean the night of the wedding, hardly talking to me at the post-post wedding drink fest. And after that…we were never the same. She remained close to another good friend of mine that i had introduced her too, and strangely, that made me jealous, and caused some friction with the other friend. In the end, i realized for many reasons, our friendship wasn't what i thought it was. Sad, but true. I still hear about her, but never talk to her or see her. Yet, I’ll always wonder exactly why we couldn't "fix it". In my heart, as much as I am the type of person who needs to know, and wants to fix…some things are lost to me forever. Reminds me of that email about "friends for a reason, season…”, etc. Funny, how it stays with me…just like the lack of closure as relates to a romantic relationship I once had, and thought was "the one". Odd, how these ghosts can haunt us still…

  19. Just like any other relationship friendships take time and some effort. Friendships are a responsibility -they require us to care for one another. It`s about taking and giving. It takes two to tango and to maintain a good relationship. The effort has to be mutual. Sometimes, in spite of the effort, a friendship fails.

  20. Your first two or three paragraphs confused me. I had to re-read them a few times to figure out if you were talking about a friend or your counselor as the one who ate pot. Sometimes I feel your writing sacrifices clarity to cleverness…which makes your writing too clever by half.

  21. I've always wondered what it would feel like to be the dumpee in a friendship. I broke off a relationship with a very dear longtime friend, and while I experienced a lot of pain over doing so, I always wondered how she felt. A great insight- it makes me glad that I told my friend why I no longer wanted to continue the relationship.

  22. I can totally relate to this post. There are several people in my life – more than several, actually, who were closecloseclose friends with me then one day it's like a switch was changed and we are no longer friends. Sometimes we stay aquaintences, but not often. I miss those people, I miss them in my life, and then I realize just how different things are, from the time we were friends to the time that is now. I have made a lot of decisions that were right for me, and I don't know how they would fit into this new pattern that is now who I am.
    Great post.

  23. "sometimes going back is going backwards" – wise words.

    I'm still getting over a (year-and-a-half-ago) breakup of a relationship that ended abruptly, mysteriously, just plain strangely. We'd been together a year, and then he just vanished. Which was easy for him to do, really, because he lives 3000 miles from me. But I'm still mourning the loss of the friendship we had.

    Other ex-friends? For me, they all do seem to be ex-friends for a reason… hmm.

    To echo what Stacey said above, it's odd how some ghosts just seem to disappear and others seem to haunt us for what feels like it will be forever.

    Excellent writing, as always. Glad to see the progress the beans are making – they look happy, healthy, and beautiful. The pictures just make me smile.

  24. Stephanie,
    Out of all your entries I can relate to this one the most. I had also thought I had lost my two best friends of 9 years after our high school graduation. We started to grow apart and I had no idea why and right after graduation I never heard from them again. I tried contacting them and they ignored me. But my first two years in college felt empty without them, and I managed to contact them again after 2 years of silence. Thankfully, they realized that whatever drove us apart was some high school petty drama that they don't even remember and have no interest in remembering. We are now trying to make up for lost time. And it feels great to have been the one to reach out.
    I've realized that being honest with yourself is the best thing you could do. If you miss her, tell her. Maybe you are afraid of hearing that she doesn't miss you or afraid of hearing the reason why your friendship no longer exists, but you owe it to yourself to find out and express your emotions.

    Best of luck and I'm sure you will form great new friendships. If you contact her and nothing comes out of it at least you know you tried to set the record straight.

  25. I have a friend like you. I was on the other side. I had my reasons….and by the time I was ready to move on and forgive her too much time had passed. We still see each other about once a year.

    I don't think we'd ever be friends again like we were. And I think that's what keeps us from being friends. I lost my trust in her. And from that I hurt her deeply. I don't think I've had a friend since that fills that void.

  26. This really hits home for me. A close high school friend severed ties with me in a similar fashion, over a similar issue–her drug problem. Nothing I (or anyone else) did or said helped her to realize the damage she was doing to herself and everyone in her life, so she finally turned her back on anyone who expressed concern about her addiction. The last time we saw each other was our high school graduation, nearly 10 years ago.

    I think about her from time to time and wonder where she is, though it sometimes makes me shudder to do that. She could be leading a normal life, free of drugs, but I'm more inclined to think the opposite.

  27. I related to this so much. My best friend and I drifted apart during our senior year in high school and never regained the closeness we once had.

    It's weird that you can be such a huge part of someone's life and end up just being another name on their Christmas card list.

  28. Excellent post. I had a similar experience with a college friend… we knew each other for 10 years, and then, poof!, it was gone in an instant. She never could really explain to me what was bothering her, so I finally had to drop it and stop asking. I always assumed it was because she viewed me as always putting boyfriends first, something I might have inadvertantly done, but now I am married with 2 kids and she is still single, with only 2 relationships in her past at age 38. So, the questions still occasionally loom in my mind about what happened. I am glad you wrote about this… because it truly was a very painful part of my life– no one really expects to lose a friend.

  29. i am currently in the process of drifting away from some of my closest college girlfriends and its sad, but also part of growing up i suppose.

    also, i finished your book this weekend. it was great and felt so personal to you, and at the same time, completely universal for tons of women. thanks.

  30. This post describes so much of what I've felt and went through. I had 2 friends from junior high, we are the 'best' of friends ever. We've drifted apart of the years, come back together only to drift again. It saddens me, I really miss those friendships. Another childhood friend (pretty much from birth, since our mom's were childhood friends as well) drifted apart for several years. We finally started working our friendship back together, when she moved. I miss her so much, luckily we were able to salvage our friendship some though. We still write and talk occasionally.. but it's nothing like it once was.

    Thank you for posting this, I needed the reflection. :)

  31. sometimes things just come apart, like a sweater with a minor catch that causes the whole thing to unravel. my best friend and i had been close since early high school. this past summer she had a baby and i decided to uproot my life and move to a new city, albeit one that is just four hours from our hometown. i'm not really sure what happened… i don't know if she's upset that i'm not there to see the day-to-day of her baby growing up or if she's angry that i got away from the place we both always said we'd leave together. our priorities had begun to shift long before the "break-up", but it doesn't make it any easier. we started brand new chapters of our lives at virtually the same time and we've left each other behind. it hurts.

  32. This makes me sad… I've started to cut a friend out, I think for good reasons, but its hard because we have a history- the similar history you spoke of… so I hang on a little bit, hoping she's not feeling the way you are in this post, but also feeling guilty that I keep hanging on considering how opposite of there for me and selfish she was during my father's illness and death… its a tough thing losing friendships, cutting friends out, but I guess in the end you have to be thankful for the rich friendships you do have the relationships you'll continue to build.

  33. Man, you just sound high-maintenance. One thing for a bf to put up with – there's a benefit – but for a friend to deal with?……easier to dump yo hide, girl!

  34. Try not to take it personally. I had one super fantastic friend who I let go because of my own issues and was going through a bad time in my life and did not feel I could confide. It could have nothing to do with you.

    I have also had friends drift away as our lives changed, normal. Still dream about them though, partners in my night time adventures!

    Do you also find that as you get older you never really make friends that are SO close as the childhood ones? Friends who are so in tune with you, know every little secret? It is like we all lose our innocence of how friendship should be and are reluctant to get as close for fear of being hurt. (And we have husbands, kids, careers.. less time to nurture friendships.) Just my two cents.

  35. I lost my best friend from high school about 9 years ago and have to say that I still think about her every now and then. I know that she got married, but don't know what happened after that. We used to talk about what we'd name our kids, how many we'd have (we each somehow thought we'd have 4. Ha!), and how they'd grow up together…We didn't have a big break up, there was no fight or tension leading up to the split, she just stopped calling me. A year later I was sitting in the waiting room at my dentist's and the office manager told me that my friend was getting married that summer. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach–that wasn't how I was supposed to learn that information! How could our kids grow up together if I wasn't even at her wedding?! I do wonder if she wonders what happened to me, if I'll ever see her again and what we'd say to one another.

  36. How well I understand this post and all the feelings behind it.

    My lost friend is Tina. Inseperable from 5th grade to being maid of honor at my wedding..

    Great post SK.

    xoxo,
    Ladybug

  37. thank you for this. i have a similar situation with a friend and i have always felt … i guess a bit geeky… for missing the friendship so much. there is something very sad about not being able to stay in touch with someone that you would like to… thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. it makes the whole process seem less lonely

    jen

  38. This post strikes so close to home, and to so many people.
    I lost my best friend of 14 years after senior year of high school. She was practically a sister to me, and completely part of my family. Things were done wrong on both ends, but that doesn't make it any easier. We were inseparable, and then, broken. We are so different now that I often wonder if it would be worth the pain of trying to piece together a friendship lost. I miss her on many days, and often think about her. When things happen in my life, good or bad, I think of writing her to share them. But, then I realize that it isn't worth it. If she wanted to know, she would have reached her hand out. I have written a few times and received answers that weren't from a friend, but instead a complete stranger.
    She was a link to my childhood, and even though we were young, she knew me and understood me on levels that I fear I will never reach with friends at this age. (Only 22).

  39. this seems to be a timely topic. just finished "What Did I DO Wrong?" When Women Dont Tell Each Other the Frendship is Over by Liz Pryor. Great read — and so interesting that this comes up so often in women's lives.

  40. After marrying my high school boyfriend,(thus losing out on ALL high school activities, parties, etc.)I lost contact with most of my good friends(guys and girls)from school. I was the girl that was always with the boyfriend, although my friends BEGGED me to come out with them. Such stupidity on my part. I am now 40, divorced from the high school boyfriend and realize how dumb I was for putting a guy,(especially, the wrong guy!),before any of my friends! At Christmastime, I found out one friend was dying of cancer and sent cards to him and, after calling some parents' for addresses,and some of the friends I miss from school. I heard back from 2 out of 20, but do not regret sending the cards. I wish I would have done things differently in high school. I miss my closest girlfriend very much. Thank you for this post.

  41. Geeez, excuse all my typos and bad grammar up there. I had to read my comment twice to get what I meant. ~laughs~ Sorry about that. :)

  42. sometimes you just have to let friends go. This is life. Some friends enrich you for a time, you enrich them, then the cycle ends and you move on, or they do. The friendships that last a lifetime are the ones where you keep enriching one another and neither of you ever think of moving on without each other. I have had the same two best friends for the past 21 years. I am blessed.

  43. I had a friend that confessed her secret distaste for me after I told her I couldn't come to her destination wedding (couldn't afford it). We sort of made up a couple of years afterward, but we don't talk anymore. I haven't seen or spoken to her in many years. It still makes me sad when I think about it.

  44. I had several "best friend" during my childhood and youth. Nobody of them is still my friend now.
    It happens. It's sad but happen. Growing up we change, we become different people and so our friend. When I moved from Palermo to Milan for my job, I met new friends. I think they are better than my childhood friends, because they are like me. We love the same things and we have the same vision of life. We have the same problems and the same dreams. Don't look at the past: now you are surrounded by wonderful people, your new closest friends.

  45. I've broken it off with a couple of friends. The friends I've walked away from are people who have brought dramatically wonderful things to my life, and I appreciate them for that very much. But sometimes we were so close, boundaries were crossed that made impersonal things – like their man troubles – suddenly personal – like all your emotional support was just you being the cleaning lady who made it possible for them to stay messy, to go back to the guy and do it all over again. These things shouldn't be personal. Sometimes they seem that way, though, when a friendship is so boundary-free that a friend's choice isn't just THEIR choice but something that seems to have an ongoing negative impact on YOUR life. The resentment and insanity that comes from that can taint a friendship to the point where amputation seems the healthiest option. You can get stuck in patterns with people that you don't know how to end, short of erasing them entirely.

    The poster above who said it wasn't personal was right. Friendships can become bewildering – I'm sure that a lot of dumper ex-friends could never begin to articulate the "why" of it, as though that were some simple, easy, single factor. Sometimes it's cowardice not to figure it out and work it out – and I have done that in other friendships – but sometimes a friendship develops fundamental differences that make it better as fond memories from one period in your life than as ongoing tooth-gnashing and unending frustration in the present. It doesn't mean you don't appreciate the former friend, and respect them, and value the relationship you had – it just means you don't think it can continue.

    My experience might be significantly different from Stephanie's friend's, though, because the only friends I've ever dropped have been friends of only a couple years or so. My longest-running friendships have been stable rocks in my life – but also drama-free, which was never true of those friendships that ended.

  46. I've broken it off with a couple of friends. The friends I've walked away from are people who have brought dramatically wonderful things to my life, and I appreciate them for that very much. But sometimes we were so close, boundaries were crossed that made impersonal things – like their man troubles – suddenly personal – like all your emotional support was just you being the cleaning lady who made it possible for them to stay messy, to go back to the guy and do it all over again. These things shouldn't be personal. Sometimes they seem that way, though, when a friendship is so boundary-free that a friend's choice isn't just THEIR choice but something that seems to have an ongoing negative impact on YOUR life. The resentment and insanity that comes from that can taint a friendship to the point where amputation seems the healthiest option. You can get stuck in patterns with people that you don't know how to end, short of erasing them entirely.

    The poster above who said it wasn't personal was right. Friendships can become bewildering – I'm sure that a lot of dumper ex-friends could never begin to articulate the "why" of it, as though that were some simple, easy, single factor. Sometimes it's cowardice not to figure it out and work it out – and I have done that in other friendships – but sometimes a friendship develops fundamental differences that make it better as fond memories from one period in your life than as ongoing tooth-gnashing and unending frustration in the present. It doesn't mean you don't appreciate the former friend, and respect them, and value the relationship you had – it just means you don't think it can continue.

    My experience might be significantly different from Stephanie's friend's, though, because the only friends I've ever dropped have been friends of only a couple years or so. My longest-running friendships have been stable rocks in my life – but also drama-free, which was never true of those friendships that ended.

  47. Hello..

    I too, have had a similar experience. I lost my baby daughter to a chromosome abnormality a couple of years ago. My sister and I had planned a beach trip with a friend of ours and her children. It had only been 2 weeks since my daughter had passed away, but we had already made all the arrangements for the trip so we decided to go ahead and go. I thought it would be good for my soul. Our friend's son got angry about, I don't even know what, and he rolled his eyes at me. Me, not being in the best place mentally snapped at him and told him not to ever roll his eyes at me again….I know it wasn't my place to snap at him, but his mother would do nothing about his behavior. Her son got upset because I snapped at him and that ended our 15 year friendship. She called my sister and I up after our trip and told us what horrible parents WE are and that she could never trust us around her children ever again. My sister's and my child mind us when we talk to them, our "friends" children kick, hit and call her names! I have seen her around town from time to time. She even used to come and work in the unit with me at the hospital…I never once mentioned the fight to her. I did as my mother taught me, I killed her with kindness. (she doesn't work in our unit anymore) I was devastated that someone that I loved as much as a sister left me and hurt me so bad in the darkest time of my life. I realized that she wasn't such a friend after all. Friends forgive.

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