There’s this thing called the 4th trimester. Clothing stores know I’m not about to bounce back into my clothes, but I’m miserable. The lactation ladies insist I cannot diet or my milk supply will plummet. I need 1000 extra calories per day, they say. 500 for each baby, and I believe them (no, I don’t!). I don’t want to diet. I want to eat out at Cheesecake Factory every night. I want to believe the sites that say it takes 8 months to safely get back to your pre-pregnancy weight. Though I am torn. What the hell do they know? I think to myself. They’re not in this body, or in my closet, where nothing fits.
I bought four new tops today, and I’m walking around in sweats and the same two pairs of jeans that took me through my pregnancy. How can I keep shopping for fat clothes? It’s like saying, "Okay, I accept this fatter life. Come on in. Roll on up to my rolls." Giving them prime spots in my closet. I need help. I need a nutritionist. I cannot do this by myself. I have no self-control right now. Normally I’d get some coffee and go to a weight commando who’d give me drugs and yell at me. But I can’t do that with babies to feed. Instead, I could join Weight Watchers, do their nursing points program. And while I do love the program, I NEED to be held accountable to one person. I need personal attention. I need a dic(k)tator.
I’m not just NOT losing weight. I’m gaining weight. "The weight will fall off when the kids come home. You’ll be too busy to think about food." Maybe I’m bored now. Maybe I’m exhausted and confuse it with hunger. I know for sure a lot of the calories I’m getting aren’t consumed in hunger. I try to write down what I’m eating, but then, I just stop. I’m not disciplined. I’m not motivated. I’m tired. Shower once in a while, tired. Too tired to wear makeup, tired. Eating is the only thing I look forward to. Everything else is becoming a chore. I’m even tired of being tired, tired. And now I’m fat right along with it. "Don’t diet. Just focus on eating healthy and mother nature will take care of the rest." I want to take a shit on mother nature. I don’t want to eat healthfully. I want sugar, a lot of sugar. I don’t want candy. I want cheesecake and chocolate molten cakes, plural. I don’t want just a little. I want Baskin Robbins, bowls of it. And I don’t know when I’ll stop, when the cravings will subside, when my body will return. At this rate, I’m screwed. If you’re in the Austin area and know of a good weight loss nutritionist or doctor, please let me know.