rsvp yes, then don’t bother

In ALL, FRIENDSHIP, MARRIAGEby Stephanie Klein51 Comments

Friends get your back

When surveying 100 people (or at least 100 blog readers), I ask, “What excuse do you give when you RSVP ‘Yes’ to a wedding and then not show up?”

She didn’t give an excuse.  She didn’t pick up a phone.  Maybe she was mugged.  Maybe someone died.  The idea of her in a hospital came to mind.  Because those were the only possible excuses.  She’d moved to New York pre-September 11.  I was still married.  She didn’t know anyone in New York.  She was my sister’s friend.  I made her mine, introducing her to all my friends, cooking for her at least twice weekly.  We spent our weekends together at the flea-market, in bookstores.  I knew how she took her coffee and that her favorite magazine was Elle Decor.  I took her to a Natalie Merchant concert for her birthday, taught her photography, fed her.  Paid for her movies when she claimed she was too poor.  I understood.  She was my friend.  When I had an abortion, she came over, reluctantly.  “I don’t know what to say or do,” she said.  “I’m a bad friend.”  I rolled my eyes and thanked her for just being there.  “Wanna go shopping?” she asked hopefully.  She didn’t understand, but I understood her.  She gave what she could. 

In the next few years, I’d call asking her about her family, details about her job, the boy situation.  She never asked me questions.  Never asked about the book or celebrated any of my successes with me.  I never understood this.  Didn’t ask about my family or love life, or anything, but she’d want to get together.  I think, now, because she was bored.  Or just not built that way… caring.  I really do not think it was jealousy, on any level at all.  I think it was convenience.  She once said to me, “I like you better when you have a boyfriend because then you stay home and cook and invite me over.”  She liked to be a homebody, by my side.  Except at night.  Weekends, she liked to go clubbing.  I wanted no part of this.  One night, specifically, though, I called her for plans, saying I was itching to go out, out anywhere at all.  I just needed to get out of the house.  She agreed and said we’d do something.  I never heard from her.  She went out with work friends to Bungalow 8.  “I didn’t think you’d want to come,” she said the next morning.  I had been waiting in my apartment, dressed in black, ready.  She didn’t think at all.  I should have ended our friendship then.

A true friend is there for you to pick you up when you fall and to celebrate your successes.  A friend that only does half of that isn’t really a friend.  She didn’t do either.  Still, I was looking forward to seeing her at my wedding.  I was.  I like her.  But she didn’t show up.  No phone call.  No nothing.

So I called her… from my own damn wedding.  I left her a message and called three times.  Maybe she lost her phone?  Maybe someone died.  I never heard back from her.  If I were dating her, I’d never have behaved this way.  I wouldn’t have called, wouldn’t have given her the benefit of the doubt, and I probably wouldn’t have cared as much.  Mostly though, with a guy I was dating, I would assume all the words and excuses in the world wouldn’t matter.  I’d know his not being there said enough.  And that’s what I’m doing now.

I called her again, the next night.  And she picked up the phone as if nothing was wrong.  Said she took off from work on Friday because she wasn’t feeling well.  Was throwing up.  Then didn’t want to bother me on Saturday, my special day, “and quite frankly, I didn’t know how many people would be there.  I figured you wouldn’t notice if I wasn’t there.”  That’s a great reason not to call, or show up.  Or call the next day, even, to explain yourself.  If she knew she wasn’t feeling well Friday, she could have called then, or Saturday even, when she realized she wasn’t feeling better.  But no call at all.  No explanation.  It’s all just words anyway.  So, I’m letting this one go.  Which makes me angry and sad a bit, but really, makes me realize who my real friends are.  The ones who stayed until the end, who were there for dessert, even with long car journeys home to different states and boroughs.  The ones who sat too close to the music and never complained about it being too loud, or cold, or about too much sauce on their food.  They didn’t slip out with headaches, or sore feet, or numb hands.  They stuck around and celebrated, and in the end, that’s what I want in a friend.  And I’m lucky to have the ones I do.  Very.

Comments

  1. Wow, this sounds all too familiar to me. I have a similar "friend" who I love to death, who I'm always there for, and who is NEVER there for me. I've slowly stopped calling (and of course she hasn't called me) and making plans with her and, as much as it hurts me, I know it's for the best. Thanks for sharing, it's good to know I'm not the only one dealing with this.

  2. reading your post I remembered my own wedding day and the blue mood i was when i realized my big sister had "dissapeared" because she was with a terrible headache. The story, though, ends well, cause she appeared the next day AT THE HOTEL! AND HAD BREAKFAST WITH MY US ALMOST ON TOP OF OUR "WEDDING BED" JAJAJA. nice blog! love! antonia, una chilena!

  3. I let go of my best friend last January, when I had a miscarriage and she disappeared for a month. Later, when I called her on it, when I said "That was the hardest thing that I've ever gone through and you couldn't even bother saying 'Hi, how are you?'" she responded with "You're a bad friend too, you didn't come to my daughter's birthday party." That was the last conversation we ever had.

    People suck sometimes. But then it makes you appreciate your real friends all that much more.

  4. Stephanie, I have a friend who traveled half way around the world (literally) just to be at my wedding. I had a friend who lives on the upper west side who missed my ceremony because it wasn't important enough to get in a cab on time. I had another friend who dropped me as my life was finally coming together. I have a friend who despite her own troubles always shares in my joy and struggles. Yes, we often take too much too long from those who end up being absent. Letting go of them is hard but necessary. Because ultimately the hurt of having them around is too much. Glad you have those in your life who love you the way you love them.

  5. It happens. Sometimes you just have to love them from a distance because your lives just don't fit anymore. You'll spend some time regretting the decision….but sometimes you just can't have it any other way.

    Life's too short to play high school.

  6. It is ok to let go of those friends that just don't fit in your life anymore. It makes room for the special friends to come later. My apparent best friend from high school and I drifted ways when I moved out of state. Even though when I returned to visit we would get together we still drifted. When I called to tell her I was moving back there was no excitement. When I called to let her know all my new phone numbers it was like speaking to a stranger. I hung up the phone turned to my roommate and said – I will never hear from her again. I haven't – that was 7 years ago.

  7. I have been reaading your blog for a while now, but I never thought of writing a comment until now. A very similar happened to me on my wedding day. One of my best friends from college did not show up for my wedding, even though she had said "I'll definitely be there". At first, I thought like you, that she must have a very good reason. She never called or e-mailed me until a month after the wedding, saying that she was busy packing for her upcoming trip. I couldn't believe that was her excuse. She could have at least stopped by to say congratulations and then leave. I was really hurt and things are definitely not the same for me. The worst part is that I never told her how disappointed I was and she probably thinks everything is fine between us.

  8. I sometimes have this probelm with friends. Almost always the friend involved is of the female persuasion. I don't know why but it just seems easier, oftentimes, with my guy friends. I recently (this week) had to stop talking to one of these friends, and a few of my other friends looked at me and said, "Well did you really expect her to change? I mean, did you?"

  9. This is a hard, sad, disappointing thing in life. People with charisma whom you want to be friends with who can barely step up and certainly can't step up when its important. Your anger and sadness is justified. It is disappointing, but it will pass.

    Appreciate the friends who do step up. That means the world to me.

  10. It is very eye opening when we begin to think of it in terms of- if this was a man I was dating, I would never tolerate this kind of behavior. Why do we allow our girlfriends to get away with such bad behavior?
    I will keep in mind, for the next wedding I attend, how very important it is to be there until the last bubble in the champagne bursts.

  11. I’ve had to give up on selfish friends too, it is always painful, but not taking you to Bungalow 8 is just lazy. I agree that your friend isn’t jealous, but she might not be coping with a change well, that change being your success.

    All change is hard for human beings because it incurs a loss. Sometimes it isn’t easy to see why someone might feel a loss, and sometimes there is no point following it up. I consider myself really lucky to have the successful friends that I do because I am invariably proud of them, whatever is going on in my life, good or bad.

    Maybe not in this case, but it is sometimes worth considering depression, it can make people a bit reclusive. Ironically, when talking could help, it is symptomatic of the illness that sufferers can become more reclusive.

  12. Wow — and this is a wedding? Frankly, I have never heard of someone RSVP'ing "yes" to a wedding and not attending — the stakes are too high. Count your blessings, and let it go. You know that.

    Besides, it says more about her, than you.

    BTW — I am a twin — good luck! Have fun! My sister is my best friend — and we have had a blast our entire lives…

  13. Wow, it's so weird reading this entry with what's going on with one of my friends right now. I wrote to her a few days ago saying I was concerned about our friendship and gave her reasons why. She's one of those people who has stayed in my life for 15 years, just out of habit really. I don't know what's going to happen when she responds to my letter (or if she does) but I'm prepared to let her go. Life really is too short for friends that don't respect you or get it. (I love reading your blog by the way. I love your honesty. And I live in Austin, so it's fun reading about what you think about it.)

  14. Being a friend shouldn't merely mean doing things together. While "cold" a friendship is a relationship and as such is about exchanging needs. Someone like this is not "exchanging" anything. They are simply a user. While fun with them on occasion may obscure this, it doesn't change the reality of it. These kinds of people (and we all know them and have been sucked into their web) keep using until we stop them. Unfortunately, we need to ask ourselves why we tolerate such an unbalanced friendship. We all deserve more complete friends and need to drop the rocks that aren't. Steph you are a gem. Find a gem for a friend. (Where does the line form?)

  15. I have recently decided that I am tired of being the one that is always calling all of my friends to say hello and see how they are. I am tired of always being the one to give 100% and get back less than 50%. When I talked to my husband about it he said, "Beth, not all of your friends are going to be as good of friend to you as you are to them. They are not always going to give as much as you do. You have to decide if you care about them enough as a friend to be the one to put in more than you receive." That really put it into perspective for me. I decided that some of my friends are worth putting in more than I get back and others are not.

  16. Hmmm… maybe she couldn't take the direction your life was headed when hers was not going the way she planned?

    Maybe she's jealous?

    Maybe she thinks you don't care; have been preoccupied with other things in your life.

    Maybe she just got tired of being your friend.

    Maybe she really did have a bad headache and didn't want to call.

    Maybe that was the only excuse she could come up with.

    Maybe she'll read this post of yours and tell you the truth.

    Maybe you'll never know.

  17. This is hard. I've let several very good friends go since college and was sick through the process, even though it was what I needed to do. I still get a little sad when I think about what was lost and do wonder if they ever think about me.

    On a slightly different note, my book club read "The Friend Who Got Away" earlier this year. It's a collection of essays about women and friendships that have died and/or faded away. By no means a self-help book. Just a collection of personal experiences. It was interesting and definitely provided food for thought/discussion.

  18. Stephanie, I'm sorry she did that. I had more the problem of people not RSVP'ing either yes OR no.

    I just wanted to point out one thing, as we're all sharing stories of friends who don't "step up".

    This isn't to excuse the behavior of everyone, but since I suffer from anxiety and depression and have family that are bipolar, too- for many people shutting out friends is a major sign of depression. You don't call back, you don't "step up". You find it impossible to reach out to someone else because you can barely take care of yourself.

    So please don't be quick to judge your friends, there may be more going on than you realize. For those that are sick, it's easier to put on a happy face and blow off the situation when our friends call than try to deal with the stigma our society still places on the mentally ill.

    Some days you stay in bed and don't answer the phone, and there's no reason *why*, it just is. Those are the ones *you* need to call and say, "How are you?" I know I appreciate when my friends call me, when they know how hard it is for me to call them.

  19. I've seen this happen several times, often to charismatic people like you. She's jealous of your success and your "big life" and probably wants to punish you for it–not showing up at your wedding is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that. And giving a bullshit excuse is a way of avoiding taking responsibilities for her own feelings and actions. A friend who was just sick would have left a teary heartfelt message on all your voicemails, called your sister to apologize in person to someone, and then sent you and Philip an enormous present with a card dripping with love and apology. This girl’s response makes it clear that she’s someone you don't need in your life.

    My close friend, like you, is very personable and has a lot of friends who adore her, but one "friend" of hers (henceforth referred to as frenemy) acted similarly, also right around my friend’s wedding. The frenemy spent WEEKS crafting the favors for my friend's wedding, and she got tons of thanks and accolades for her efforts. It appeared to be the fabulous bonding experience for her, and she (appeared to have) had a great time at the wedding. Then, the frenemy stopped taking my friend's calls. That was it. Emails, messages, even snail mail went unreturned. I saw this girl giving my friend big hugs and kisses at the breakfast after the event, gushing about how it was the best wedding ever, and she even took my bridesmaid's bouquet so that she could make a special crafty thing for the bridal couple. She acted like she loved my friend, and then just decided to cut her off for no reason that my friend (or anyone else) can figure out. It drove my friend crazy, and she still continues to write her little notes every few months.

    At least you don't have your frenemy in the wedding pictures, Stephanie. Thank God for small favors! And your new house is GORGEOUS!

  20. I think you`ll never know her reasons and maybe its better that way.
    Its sad when friendships fade or break. I let go of my friend after being best friends for years and after she couldnt be there for me when I was going through very difficult time. Not even a phone call.
    Thats when you realize that its not really worth your time or tears.

  21. That sucks. I have to say I wouldn't have called either, but I WOULD have emailed. No contact is not cool. Sorry this one is being let go.

  22. At $225.00 a plate, my wife and I were not thrilled with the no shows who RSVP'd yes at our wedding. We got no refund on the money we paid for their plates and since they didn't come to the wedding they chose not to send gifts.

    Whatever. It's not about the money.

    These were supposed long time "friends" of my wife. There was some drama attached to our relationship as my wife and I started seeing one another after I had broken up with one of her friends (and one of the no shows mutual friends). It was just the way we met. I wasn't particularly in love with the other girl and when I was out of that relationship my wife and I bumped into one another and sparks flew and we never looked back.

    By the time the wedding rolled around the drama was long gone…apparently though the people who chose not to show were making a statement that they felt what my wife did by dating and subsequently marrying me was wrong (since the other girl I had dated at one time made people choose sides) and this was their way of teaching us a lesson.

    Mind you, these were friends my wife had her whole life–I'm talking from grade school to age 27–who would go out to dinner with us and pretend nothing was wrong and were happy for us.

    When we noticed the empty spots at the table, we made inquiries because we were genuinely concerned since we thought something might have happened. A car accident. Death in the family. What have you.

    In the end they told my wife that "they weren't feeling well"….and later on through the grapevine we learned they took the girl I used to date out that night because she told all the mutual friends that she couldn't handle being alone on our wedding day.

    And for the record I dated the other girl for maybe 3 months and she was far from in love with me. She was pretty awful to me, but that's beside the point.

    The point is, people are idiots and do stupid insensitive things all the time and it's up to us to either let them get away with it with a half hearted smile on our faces (and a knot in our stomachs) or to move on without these kind of people in our lives and realize it had nothing to do with us. The kind of people who do this sort of thing make it all about them.

    In some cases it's right of you to sit back and say, "Who needs them?"

    Just remember, it really had nothing to do with you and how you treated them.

  23. I've known people who have been "the other friend".. and as terrible as this is going to sound, your friend does not really like you. She sees you as a person to pass some time with when she has absolutely nothing better to do in her own life. If she really cared, if she actually really gave a shat, she would be there, always. You are so much better off without people like that in your life. They dull that brilliant aura that surrounds you and everything that has to do with you. On a sidenote, I have been reading your blog for the past year and a half and this is the first comment I've ever left. Just wanted to say, I love you Stephanie Klein, and come visit us in Toronto, Canada already!

  24. Wow is right too familiar. Had a friend who ended up being a mean drunk all the time and told him while he could still be in the wedding, that after 6 different incidents of being a mean ass drunk he was not in the immediate wedding party. did not come because he said his car got hit. Asked his date two years later (they ended of getting married) what the deal was and she said she knew nothing about the wedding our a car accident. The funny thing was that if his car got hit it still had two dings in the door (I know because I did one).

  25. I was married four years ago and cannot fathom having a guest not show up after having replied s/he was coming. I mean, truly, it is shocking to me. Do people not realize all the planning, the money, the worry, etc. that goes into a wedding and the guest list? My husband and I struggled for weeks to make sure we were invited everybody we wanted. We were paying for the whole thing ourselves and didn't have the luxury, as I imagine most people do not, of inviting just anybody we knew. If somebody was invited it was because we wanted, more than anything, to see them on our special day. We, of course, understood if they couldn't come — but that was when they RSVPed no. I cannot imagine how heartbroken, how angry I would have been if somebody I got excited about seeing that wedding night didn't show. Sorry for you. It is sad. To not show without any advance warning is disrespectful, selfish and inexcusable.

  26. Once, a few years ago, I RSVP'd "yes" to the wedding of a guy I knew growing up and we'd remained friends. His ceremony was to take place the Saturday my big extended family vaction was scheduled to end. I had planned on coming back a day early so I could attend the ceremony. But then my Dad was seriously injured 2 days before the wedding. He was in a hospital for 5 days on that vacation. Mind you, this hospital was 6 hours away from the ceremony and it was touch and go for a few days.

    Not only did I call the day before the wedding to apologize for not making it to the wedding, I gave them a huge, fantastic gift on top of the one I had already purchased. I also wrote them a long letter apologizing for not being there, thanking them for being understanding friends, and wished them the best life has to offer.

    Even though I missed their wedding, I like to think I'm still considered their friend.

  27. Sorry to hear about your friend…I know that feeling all too well. I had a "best friend" who couldn't even return a phone call when I was in bed for months recovering from a car accident. She was too busy. This is the girl who I had been there for through everything, literally, I"ve saved her life. I say you're better off. It hurts, but it's better to hurt and let go than to be hurt over and over again. Good luck in Austin, the house is gorgeous.

  28. i have a "friend" like that – the kind that can't pay you a compliment, share in your joys.
    I think its jealousy. I'm slowly removing myself from the "friendship". I too believe that once a friend always a friend. Unfortunately, not everyone believes this and i've learned its not always true. People change, grow apart…
    Its time to move on from these people and not spend more than 1 second thinking about them.

  29. There is absolutely no excuse for her behavior. A couple of years ago, my best friend married a man that I truly did not like. I tried to talk her out of it to no avail. Not only did I go to the wedding, I put on a red dress, stood as her maid of honor, and danced with her new husband at the reception. Nothing would have kept me from being there. She's just that important. These are the friendships that matter. Maybe the others should be seen as learning experiences, to be valued for what they were without regret for what they should have been. That said, it still hurts when someone is so careless with your feelings, even when you know they don't deserve your affection. You described the experience so eloquently.

  30. Stephanie, a true friend is there no matter what. I recently went through a similar situation with a so called "best friend" and although it hurts, it made me realize that its better to be sad and end it than to be continually let down. You deserve better than that. Good luck with the new house, it's beautiful. And I love your blog…it always brightens my day :)

  31. i have been the bad friend. disappearing once for a month after a close friend lost her brother. in that case, i needed time to deal with my own deep loss. but i should have been there. i know that now.

    we got over it together. after a month of not talking, we met and cried and spent months doing just that – crying big tears and holding eachother on big overstuffed chairs waiting for peace to sweep us up and help us move on. it did. we did.

    and we're still friends. sometimes friends have to take a leave of absence, when things get rough or pretty. i've been open to reappearances before, and thankfully my friends have been too. and the best friends are those who, after being away, come back stronger, closer, better.

    sometimes we have to let them go. sometimes they come back.

    sometimes we come back.

  32. I wonder, though, if it often happens that we feel closer to people than they feel to us? I suspect this is true in my own life. I have friends I would do anything for, show up at 2 a.m. with cough medicine, and they don't even check in after I've had surgery. But the converse is probably also true, even if I don't realize it–I may have friends who feel close to me and I'm not sure why as I haven't felt it for them. Has a friend ever done something unexpectedly wonderful and you were amazed and surprised? They may be feeling the way about you, wondering why you didn't call when you went out, why you didn't come to their party, when you think of them as someone far more casual–it's just never crossed your mind or, to you, you haven't known them that long or bonded.

    More than once I've cleared my schedule to make room for a lunch or coffee, having been asked and then sent along the times and dates, only never to hear back from someone who acted as though they wanted to take steps to either get to know me or tighten an existing friendship, then get totally blown off.

  33. I love this post. As with the other commenters, I too have had this situation where I gave more and then got hurt in the end. You may never know what her deal is, but like you said, it just shines the light brighter on the real friends that you do have and that love you.

  34. A wise woman (my mother) once told me–when you get married you find out who your true friends are. And that is the absolute truth!!

  35. From the time I was a little girl, my mother has always said, "the world is full of jealous people." Then she would follow that statement by asking me what that meant. I knew that I was supposed to answer, "they feel bad about themselves so they want to make me feel bad about myself." Anytime one of my children gets their feelings hurt, I pass my mother's words of wisdom down to them (which, btw, she got from her father). You said that you don't think your "friend" was jealous, but she absolutely acted self-centered and rude. She even admitted that she liked you more when you suited her needs. That is not a true friend, and you are lucky to have plenty of those. Be thankful for the friends who are truly happy for you, who were there for you during the rough times and are now celebrating the happiest days of your life. Although it is sad to admit that someone you considered a friend hurt you on your wedding day, concentrate instead on all the family and friends who came through for you with flying colors. Oh, and one more thing – since she was Lea's friend first, I hope she won't put too much stock in that friendship either. You're both too good for her.

  36. Yes, unless you have a good explanation, it's rude and in poor taste to not show up for your friend's wedding when you said you would.

    However, the same could be said about public whip-lashings. Aren't there some things left in this world that should be handled in private?

  37. I don’t know your friend so I may be off base here, but I do know the behavior. I know it because I used to be that way with my own friends. For whatever reason I just didn’t understand my own self worth. When I was invited some where, or was supposed to invite someone else some where if given enough time I would talk myself out of it. Why? I just couldn’t believe that someone so wonderful would really want to spend the time with me, that they could be inviting me just because they thought I was a good person, and fun. I have spent a lot of time as I’ve grown older to work on those things, to see myself as the wonderful person that my friends believe I am that I now know I am. I don’t know if that is your friends problem, and it sounds like you may not ever know either, but I can say that it sounds like you’ve done everything you could ever do to show her that you think she’s a good person, and friend worthy. Now you just cut your ties knowing you didn’t do wrong by her.

  38. When I feel that a friend is not giving me what I need, and I complain about that person, my Father always says to me: "Don't get mad – now you know." I think that by this he means that you can either drop the person or just know what to expect from them and take them for as much as they can give. Some people are stingy with themselves and do not have the emotional resources to share…it's nothing personal, but it is up to you to decide whether or not to put up with the sliver of affection they can afford.

    This, of course, does not excuse the rudeness of not showing up to a wedding where you were expected. It sounds as if you were willing to live with what she could offer in the past, but that the failure to show at the wedding was a real slap in the face. For having to worry about her on your big day, I am sorry. It sounds as though you have made the right choice for you.

  39. I agree, you're better off without this person in your life, though it can be deeply disappointing coming to a realization like that. We often hold ourselves to a too-high standard when it comes to maintaining relationships–like if a friendship doesn't last forever, we've failed somehow. I've always appreciated the Helen Gurley Brown quote: "People's lives change. To keep all your old friends is like keeping all your old clothes — pretty soon your closet is so jammed and everything so crushed you can't find anything to wear. Help these friends when they need you; bless the years and happy times when you meant a lot to each other, but try not to have the guilts if new people mean more to you now."

    Easier said than done, I know. I have a different problem–wishing an old friend would let me go. She's always been there for me, I haven't always been there for her. And I feel awful about that, but also I feel I can't be there for her and still maintain my own health and sanity. She has struggled with depression for longer than I've known her, and she's addicted to alcohol and pills, and talking to her means hearing (again and again and again) about her staying in bed all day, or bursting into tears, or feeling generally tired and stuck and hopeless. I realize it's an illness, and the last thing I want to do is abandon her, but honestly…I dream of abandoning her. I would love to break free and spend time with friends who are generally healthy and happy and excited about the possibilities of life, so we can support and encourage each other and keep each other strong, and of course be there through the hard times. It's just that when "the hard times" are eighty percent of the time…well, I'm not big enough for that, and so far I haven't had the courage to break away.

  40. Shit happends. Things come up, yada yada yada. There were alot of people who said they would be at my wedding just this past new years eve. My husband and I were watching our video recently, and I noticed that the church, which holds only about 200 appeared only about half full. I hadnt noticed at the reception that there were about 20 or 30 people missing. People did tell us after we paid for their meals that they would be happy to reimburse us. What do you say to that really? Yes, pay up? or as my mother said, dont worry about it. Ive never missed a wedding that I have RSVP'd for. I look forward to weddings, because personally I like to see how their creative eye came together for that day.

    I would think though that since you took the time to call her three times on your wedding day, she could have picked up the phone, or at least shown up late with any excuse at all.

    Sorry that happend to you, but it was your fabulous wedding day, and I always say that the people who bother to show up are the ones who really care about you.

    Best Wishes.

  41. Been there, done that. It was actually reassuring reading your story though. Others do go through this (on the receiving end). I came to a conclusion a couple years ago that I do not hold up more than my half of any relationship.
    That visual, that perspective seems to work for me.

    I'm glad you have other friends. Real friends.
    Great blog post.

    ~S :)

  42. When your babies are born, you will lose many friends and gain many new ones. After my baby was born, I had two "close" friends who essentially disappeared. They didn't know how to care about the absolute most important part of my life. They didn't have this life yet. They didn't call. They didn't visit. They didn't ask about my baby.

    It all goes to that old question…"Are you a reason, a season or a lifetime?" Or something like that.

    All meaningful, however joyful, short, painful, selfish…. it served you for a reason at some point. And then you're free of it.

  43. It sucks when the people who are supposed to be there for you, aren't. Some people are like that. They're so wrapped up in what's going on with them, they just don't think about the people who are supposedly their friends. It's hard to let someone go that you like and want in your life. But it's easier than dealing with yet another letdown. Sorry to hear about this. I know what it's like to discover that someone who you thought was your friend really isn't.

  44. There's no excuse. She's just a crap person who couldn't give a damn. Don't know why you even refer to her as a friend.

    NOW, I have a question. Reading your book. I'm sure everyone'd like to know – did you hear from Gabriel or Rome, or whatever their real names are, after the book came out? Any feedback? Anything? Pray do tell. Sods, both of them.

  45. I've had friends in the past that weren't there for when I needed them and just decided over time that these weren't my true friends and have since dumped them. I have one so-called friend now that I realized that I am tired of always doing the work to keep in touch and visit with each other. I've been there for her, but when she dates a boy, she tends to drop out of sight for awhile and while I'm happy for her newfound love (they're engaged), I haven't even been able to tell her that in person. So, I'm not going out of way to keep in touch with her and basically will leave it up to her to make the next move, which won't happen, such is life. It's hard when you give of yourself so freely to a person that you expect is your friend to not get that same type of support and giving in return, but sometimes it's just better that way to let them go. If this person was a true friend, she would have let you know that she couldn't make it to your wedding. I've traveled out of state for people's wedding that were near and dear. If she were truly sick, she would've left a message Friday saying she might possibly not be there, at the very least. You'll probably never know why some people aren't what they seem or why they can't really be a friend, but it seems she only liked being with you because it was convenient and you did things for her, obviously not the other way around.

  46. I had a friend who whenever we talked, I felt like she wasn't listening. Then when she'd talk I'd be all ears. It was worse on the phone, I'd feel guilty talking like I was boring her. She hardly gave me feedback on things I talked about like my family problems. Then eventually we stopped hanging out and calling each other when I kept turning down the bar scene. It's sad, but I wasn't getting anything out of the friendship. Friendship goes both ways, not just one way.

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