I hate when situations feel weighty. They make me want to eat. And I hate that my husband puts on movies like "The Fly" before we fall asleep at night, because then I cannot sleep at all. I am going to be sick.
Get On It (Keep On It)
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38 Responses to “weighty”
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August 20, 2006 at 11:27 pm
yes, yes, yes.
August 20, 2006 at 11:30 pm
I always find your writings about your past weight 'issues' to be interesting. On the one hand, if I looked like you, I'd be one happy girl and wouldn't dwell on the past. But on the other hand, the past is the past and as with anything that happened in a previous 'life' it's always lurking. I suppose there's just always going to be that dichotomy and even though you have success and you're pretty fucking gorgeous, you'll always think about it.
August 20, 2006 at 11:57 pm
I was/am anorexic and nothing else fuels the absolute need to be thin than the wonderful comments you get after you have lost some weight. Who wouldnt want to be told she looks great?
August 21, 2006 at 12:21 am
At 18, I had the perfect body. I could consume Coca Cola for breakfast, eat McDonalds for lunch, and have nachos for dinner – and never gained an ounce. Oh – I loved it. Oh – I took it for granted.
Now – only 6 weeks away from being 29 remainder 11, I can only long for that metabolism. Today I drink 10 glasses of water a day – I eat fiber – I deny carbs – I exercise – I think thin thoughts – and I'm plumper than ever.
Why can't I quit fixating on my weight? Why did it make me want to vomit when my sweet little 7th grader (as of Tuesday) was bemoaning her weight when she's just perfect? Not stick figure – but healthy and sane?
Grrrrrr. Let there be sanity when it comes to weight. I'm Rubinesque…let me embrace it.
August 21, 2006 at 12:57 am
I really relate to your entries on weight..those entries reflect my own insecurites about weight.. but then.. I also wonder, how did you end up losing it all?
August 20, 2006 at 11:54 pm
I have been a size 5 and a size 20. In neither did I feel good about me .. there always seems to be something *else* that you should be.
I am somewhere in the middle right now .. still searching for that inner feeling.
August 21, 2006 at 8:05 am
This could have been my story. I was a little older. Eleven. "You're not overweight yet. But you're in the top percentile for your age." This is what the stupid doctor told me. I've felt fat every day of my life since then.
Yeah…I may have been larger than my friends. But I was also taller. As tall then as I am today (5'5). The tall bit (tall then, not so much now) was bad enough. Then the doc had to go and call me fat. More or less. I should have bit her.
August 21, 2006 at 8:47 am
I think there are all sorts of reasons that its better to be thin – from self-confidence to health related issues. However, I think weight loss should be handled in an intelligent manner, as opposed to the average "quick fix" search. A proper diet and exercise program is really important. Most people I know that actually get on a healthy diet – not one with a ton of chemicals and such and one that includes exercise – feel better as they lose the weight because they have more energy.
August 21, 2006 at 9:14 am
weight was such a funny thing to me as a kid. i never knew that i was overweight until i lost all of my "baby fat" and saw in older pictures how round i used to be. i used to have to buy jeans with elastic in the waist bands! "did i really look like that?" i remember asking my parents. they never cared or cared to point it out to me, so i never knew. i just pray the the extra weight never comes back.
August 21, 2006 at 9:16 am
Not hatin', Banana; just waitin'. Sorry to say, the metabolism train hits us all. I'm 44, and it took me about 3 years to retool/rethink my food-exercise equation. It's pretty basic: less food + more exercise = not turning into a matzoh ball.
August 21, 2006 at 5:21 am
putting the blame for unhappiness is a scapegoat so you don't have to deal with why you really don't like yourself or why you really are unhappy. it's a lot easier to say you hate your fat thighs than to say i have no self esteem (or whatever). and when it comes to your kids, it's hard not to push those ideas on them. even if you don't want/mean to.
August 21, 2006 at 9:21 am
Banana–It's hard not to hate you.
My "kids-are-back-to-school" diet starts today. Which isn't just a diet but a whole new routine. I woke at 5:45, power walked, showered, dried my hair, even put on lipstick. Then I made pancakes w/choc chips for the kids, put in a load of laundry, checked email, blogs, took the kids outside and kissed them as they got onto the bus.
Now it's time to not think of food all day long, which will be much easier now that two of the three kids are at school and not asking for a snack or a treat every ten seconds.
I've thought about taking a picture of my body each week to track any progress.
Sometimes I wish there was a way to know what others perceived of me when they first look at me. Do they think: She's fat. She's fine. She could lose a few. Why in the hell is she wearing those shorts that are too tight?
We put a lot on ourselves based on what we think others think. At least I do.
August 21, 2006 at 5:25 am
I'm 37 and I can still eat whatever I want without putting on an ounce. Hey girlfriends, plase don't hate me too much.
August 21, 2006 at 9:25 am
Okay, Banana, I don't hate you anymore. You're a guy.
See, what I mean about perception? When I thought you were a girl, I wanted to hate you because you said you can eat whatever you want but not gain. When I figured out you were a guy, it didn't bother me.
Why should it bother me? We're not in any competition.
I'll admit I'm lacking something here.
August 21, 2006 at 9:33 am
I also remember looking at that graph as a child at the pediatrician's office and looking at where I fell on it. I was in the other corner – short and underweight. They told me I'd never be more than 5ft tall – they were wrong – I'm 5ft3in. But it was something that stayed with me through my childhood – being the smallest, the shortest: the runt. And I always wanted to be tall. I wanted to be 6ft 4inches. I wanted it with the sureness of an 8 year old. I still look enviously at tall people.
It was interesting to read your entry on your experience with this graph, and then remember my experience. Thank you for writing about things like this.
August 21, 2006 at 9:51 am
Just finished your book and loved every word. I am mailing it to my sister today…congratulations on following your passion!
I was overweight until college and now maintain a healthy weight by exercising religiously and watching what I eat. Both of my parents are overweight and my sister still struggles…battling genetics amongst other things. I still see myself as bigger, it took 2 years before I started wearing shirts that actually fit (and I just threw out my L and XL clothing). Now I constantly hear, "wow, you look great!" and it usually makes me feel worse rather than better…I agree, was I really that bad before? Do you really love me more now that I am thinner? My dear sister is a far better (wiser, kinder) woman than I will ever be, yet she is overweight for her height…makes me sad to know that people judge on such a superficial characteristics, that some might not know her beautiful soul all because she isn't below a size 10.
Lovely writing, hope your little ones are bouncing happily…
August 21, 2006 at 10:09 am
This seems like your sentiments…
Well not at present, but I can see you really pushing maximum density. See I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there's fat people that were born to be fat, and there's fat people that were once thin but became fat… so when you look at 'em you can sorta see that thin person inside.
-John Bender (the Breakfast Club)
August 21, 2006 at 11:24 am
Meryl, please get help with your eating disorder. You do not look great, you look sick and are sick.
August 21, 2006 at 11:51 am
Man did you ever hit that on the head! I have battled my weight all my life. So much so that 2 years I ago I went to a Dr. that game me speed to lose weight. I went from 170lbs to 142lbs in 6 months. However- I was SICK ALL THE TIME! I was nauseous all the time, sweating, dizziness. Everyone kept telling me how great I looked–but I felt unwell, unhealthy. I finally decided that it was more important to be healthy than thin. I eat very well and exercise 4-5 times a week–but I have gone back up to my comfy set point of 170. I am struggling now with being unhappy back at this weight. I would love to take off 15 lbs–but the scale will NOT move after 2 months of hardcore diet and exercise. I have also gone off the pill in the past 6 months which has contributed to a lot of my weight gain. I'm going to see an endocrinologist to make sure my thyroid is working properly. If all my medical tests come out normal–I have to find a way to accept my body as it is, knowing that I am doing everything in my power (naturally) to be healthy. It's hard to just accept your body–I wish there was a pill for that!
August 21, 2006 at 11:51 am
it can traumatizing being at the other end of the percentiles…fortunately, i was a hyper-competitive athlete of a child (mostly swimming), so i had an excuse other than skinny genes. but, it was tough being called into the counselor's office because teachers feared an eating disorder, not weighing enough to give blood, drinking weight-gain shakes, being as flat as houston with no womanly curves to faunt…
August 21, 2006 at 11:57 am
I've always been small. But I've had my ups and downs. And when I am 'heavier' they tell me so, "It's in your derriere and your hips. What are you eating?" And when I am 'smaller' they tell me so, "You're a 10. But if you get any smaller you're going to look sick." Strangely enough, the two two extremes are only about 12 pounds apart and normally I sit somewhere in the middle. 116. I might be tiny, but I get upset when people make an issue out of my weight.
August 21, 2006 at 12:20 pm
ugh..this post hits home, more now than before. I never worried about weight when I was a child. I wasnt thin or heavy, I was just…a normal kid.
I remember waking up one day in highschool and having this stomach! wtf was that? everything had caught up to me (and continued to). I lost a lot of weight last summer and gained it all back. Now, I am miserable. And Im not "heavy", I'm just not where I want to be. I find myself not wanting to go out or take pictures or wear jeans. Its awful. I wish it didnt affect me the way it does, I wish I could be confident with a few extra pounds and I wish I didnt care what people think. Truth about all of that is…wishes (for me, at least) are just a pass off for laziness.
August 21, 2006 at 12:21 pm
Being pregnant adds an extra dimension to this easy-to-obsess-about head trip, doesn't it? You get a "get out of jail free" card because you know that your eating is about fuel for someone else's growth now. It makes it easy to convince yourself that you'll be as fit as a pro athlete once you're able to obsess again. Your body is on loan but don't obsess. Food is fuel for you and your babies but so is inner peace. Love your body for doing beautifully what it was made for, Earth Mamma. :)
August 21, 2006 at 12:38 pm
You all should try the Raw Food Diet, it works wonders!
August 21, 2006 at 2:11 pm
I just read my daily HG newsletter and saw their shoutout to you and book plug. Way to go! So glad you commented on HG last week. Now two of my very favorite things- Greek Tragedy and Hungry Girl- are earning some much deserved recognition!!
Oh also- I know you have had some nausea with your twins so far- I actually didn't have that with my daughter- but I did experience this urge to throwup everytime I put my toothbrush in my mouth to brush my teeth…especially in the morning. It was revolting… I came to dread brushing my teeth. Anyway, I took an informal poll among some mommy friends and found that this is a common thing. Just wondering if you have experienced this?
August 21, 2006 at 2:18 pm
Miss Stephanie, you always seem to be on the same page as me and my girlfriends! Reading your blog each day is more satisfying than a horoscope. You are always on point and have such a lovely way with words…even the naughty ones!
LA
August 21, 2006 at 10:56 am
Manic mom
You are a darlink!!! I love you already…hahhahahha
August 21, 2006 at 3:12 pm
I distinctly remember being called 'husky' by my pediatrician when i was little. I didn't know what it meant. I thought it was a compliment until my mom told me otherwise. There i was, sitting in my underpants, atop a pleather exam table – legs dangling over the side and i was smiling thinking 'i'm husky'. I liked the word. I thought it meant something good. It meant anything but good and quickly commenced my lifelong diet and exercise program. More diet than exercise now – but still…i loathe that word.
August 21, 2006 at 3:33 pm
Stephanie,
About two weeks ago, I went to the doctor’s office for a check up. My partner came inside with me. They asked me to step up on the scale, and to my surprise, I gained a lot of weight which I didn’t realize. I knew my pants were getting tighter, but just blew it off.
“Oh honey, doctors’ scales are always wrong.” My girlfriend says to me, trying to reassure me she’ll still love me with weight on.
I came home. The weight was the same on my scale. All these new diet fads and ‘no carbs’ never did it for me. I’d go on them for a while, and realize I couldn’t “think” clearly. Then I’d go back to normal eating and pack on the pounds again…and then some!
As a kid growing up in an Italian household, it was so hard for me to not eat the foods my mother made. It was too good. It trickled into my teen years, as well as my twenties. Now in my thirties, I’m trying to lose it all; from which I gained throughout life. And the worst part of it is, I hear this saying a lot:
“It’s going to take the same amount of time to lose it, as you did when you gained it…”
Now that’s going to be one scary ride for me! I do believe that every woman and every man carries themselves differently. I have a friend who weighs 200 lbs—(tall of course) who looks thin! I stopped focusing on the scale and started focusing on the inches. Now I’m starting to lose it….(mentally too) …. But finally…something’s working. That scale is evil!!!
August 21, 2006 at 5:46 pm
My mom put me on my first diet when I was 5. Throughout my childhood and adolescence, her weight issues became my weight issues. When I developed an eating disorder in college and lost a ton of weight, she told me that she was glad she didn't have to be ashamed to be seen with me anymore. (I was 5'7'' and 103 pounds.) I've since "recovered" from this disorder, and when I look back at pictures of myself before I got sick, I can no longer see what I thought was so wrong. I was a normal, healthy young woman, with hips and boobs and a butt. Of course, this is coming from a ten-years-wiser self, but it still scares me that I was so impressionable.
August 21, 2006 at 6:19 pm
I have finally gotten to the point where thin without healthy isn't appealing to me. So I eat a diet of whole grains, mostly veggies, some fruits, a little meat, some indulging in desserts . . . and it's a long path to thin, but one that will add years to my life instead of just making me miserable to be smaller.
August 21, 2006 at 7:23 pm
I don't know any women who don't have some issues with their body image. My mom used to make a big dinner for the whole family but she'd sit down with only half a cup of cottage cheese and talk about how "good" she was being. And I wonder why I feel guilty for eating what I like… But this is the one time in your life when you can get away with being decadent without anyone passing judgement. So don't judge yourself – indulge and enjoy! Even if the neuroses come back as soon as the babies are born.
August 22, 2006 at 4:25 am
I'm on the other side. My boyfriend is overweight. Has been since he was a child. It doesn't really show because he is really tall, but each medical exam the weight shows up. It is not cosmetical, but a health treath to him. The men in his family have a history of heart problems, so I'm a bit anxious about this and want to help him lose weight. But that means 'denying' him food… which makes me (and him!) feel very bad. When I gently try to tell him he can only have 2 meatballs instead of 4, he looks at me like I've just killed his puppy. His mom used to do that to him too he says. And he has the 'fat person' image burned in his head, believing he'll never get to a normal size anyway. But as I don't want him to die on me at 50 years old, I'm trying to persuade him to make an effort to improve his diet, without hurting his feelings to much. Not a nice situation for both parties.
August 22, 2006 at 11:50 am
jackson, thank you for the advice but where did the you look sick part come from? *looks around confused*
August 23, 2006 at 8:08 am
How right you are. If I ever talk about losing any weight for my health, know I'm feeding you a line of crap.
August 23, 2006 at 11:38 am
Kim–
That sounds like a hard balance to keep. And it made me so sad to read how your husband reacts when you limit his food. You want your husband to know that you accept him, and don't see him as the "fat" guy like he may feel others view him. But you so want him to be healthy, and live a long life.
My husband has a strong history of heart problems too. It scares both of us. But I find that if I tell him how much I think he should eat it damages his self-image, and our relationship, because he needs acceptance from me. I cook as healthy as I possibly can, and then I let him eat in whatever quantity he wants because I know it's low in fat and cholesterol. I hope time and his health will prove that this technique is good, but obviously I can't be sure.
August 24, 2006 at 11:24 am
Like others, I feel this is all about balance. It's like money in a lot of ways. If you enter your retirement age without money and/or health, then retirement will suck. If you spend your life obsessing about either/or, the 30-40 years of pre-retirement living will suck. But I think of you make a reasonable effort at both, you'll be fine.
Instead of trying to reach an ideal weight, just try to exercise 4-5/week, and have a reasonable diet. If you maintain a decent regimen, an extra 20 pounds is not going to kill you. IMVHO, a person 15-20 pounds over, that eats a salad every day, and exercises 5x/week, is probably just as healthy as a person at an ideal weight that never exercises.
September 19, 2006 at 10:08 am
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