big pimpin’

In ALL, FOOD LOVE by Stephanie Klein50 Comments

I don’t like Krispy Kremes.  Well, I’ll tell you why.  They use too much sugar.  I don’t like how they glaze the entire doughnut.  I prefer doughnuts glazed only on one side, otherwise, it’s overkill.  Krispy Kreme is so red light district.  It’s like Versace perfume.  It’s just a cheap whore trying to get your attention.  There’s no subtlety to it.

On that note, I’m joining Weight Watchers, officially, today.  143 lbs.  I just weighed myself, naked, without my watch or a hair elastic.  I’m 5′ 5".  I should weigh 125.  I felt my best at 123, actually, but save it if you’re going to go off on numbers.  I am not a Nazi about them.  I am a psycho, though, when it comes to the plain, hard-boiled fact, that my fat jeans are now way too tight.

I tried joining yesterday in earnest.  I looked at google maps, was certain I knew where I was going.  No.  I got lost and ended up at the wrong Target shopping center.  The meeting began at 12:15.  By the time I arrived at the correct location, it was 1:32.  Now what?  There was another meeting at the same spot at 5:30, but what would I do until then?  I’d go to Starbucks and write, use my t-mobile account.  I’d get things done.

Starbucks was actually closed for renovations.  Closed!  I’ve never heard of such a thing.  The only way I was able to find it in the first place was with the help of my un-trusty GPS system.  The Suitor recently changed the voice, so now it says, "recalculating" in a British accent.  "I’m turning left in a spot, love," I repeat aloud to the GPS Brit lady.  My car now sounds like a snob, which I kind of like.  What I didn’t like was how my day was going.  Screw it.

I fiddled with my trusty GPS and punched in a new destination.  In lieu of Weight Watchers, I hit up a place that my new friend Wendy introduced me to that bakes, fresh, the best damn snickerdoodle I’ve ever had.  Tiffany’s Treats.   Subtle.  Not Tiff’s Trix.  I had to wait 30 minutes while they baked us a fresh dozen.  Yes, us.  I was bringing them home for The Suitor.  He’d mentioned earlier in the day how he was jonesing for a chocolate chip cookie.  So I’d bring home more than one.  We could freeze the rest, I was certain.  Yuh, like that ever happens.  Having to wait a half hour for the cookies meant I knew what I was doing.  This wasn’t some impulsive eating.  It was absolutely pre-meditated.  The problem is, while I was waiting, I actually thought about driving through McDonalds.  Just a small cheeseburger, I thought.  No fries or anything.  No.  Bad girl.  Instead I sat in my car and wrote about fat camp for book 2.  Then on the half hour, I collected a warm white bakery box tied with a yellow ribbon.  Screw it.

I untied the ribbon, ate a few cookies before I arrived home, then repacked the box as if I’d never been there.  Zipped my fly, tucked in my shirt.  Stephanie hasn’t been here.  The Suitor’s eyes lit up when he saw I was carrying the box.
"I’ve got a treat, honey belle."
"Oh, it’s for Linus?"
"No, baby, it’s for you."
"Did you have any?"
"Uh, yeah.  Royal taster, here."
"And you re-did the bow?"
"Anything for you." 

It was subtle, not very red light.  And the night was delicious.  So now, I’m signing up for Weight Watchers online to be my anti-pimp. 

Comments

  1. completely agree with you about the Kremes – they do use way too much sugar, although here in the UK, they only glaze one side of the donut – weird.

  2. Good for you!

    I have only ever started a diet on Sunday. Sundays feel like new starts to me.

    I prefer Ken's voice on the GPS.

  3. stephanie – just face it already. you have 'FP' ..fat potential. the gene that causes one to always have the potential at any given moment to be overweight. you've been blessed w. the good genes to cook, write, create, but missed out the day they handed out the skinny genes. And, now that you live in Austin, where you get in your car and go everywhere (as opposed to the 'on-foot' lifestyle of NYC, the pounds will be sure to come. Then, once you get pregnant (and add on about 50 lbs), my guess is it won't come off since working out at staying active are just not your things like writing, cooking, and eating are.
    but who cares ,..you have a man who loves you for who you are, and seems to accepted your rotund existence.
    no worries mate.

  4. I've only had one Krispy Kreme since high school…..mainly because of the muffin top. But partly because I go into a sugar coma if I so much as get a whiff of one.

  5. It's just the winter/spring weight coming off! And there is nothing more depressing than the fat jeans that are suddenly too tight. I tend to try to blame it on the "they were just washed" excuse. But that only goes so far as the numbers creep up.

    And now… to the gym.

  6. i'm 5'6" and stuck at 230 lb. just sayin'. i need to get back to the gym though. oh, what to do at the plateau? it sucks.

  7. Steph, did you know you can get a Mr. "T" GPS voice? It's hilarious…"Turn left fool!" If you could have a famous person's or character's voice, who would you have? My fiance says he'd have Jackie Stewart; I think I'd have Gilbert Godfrey for the shock value.

    BTW, 143 lbs. is still within the "normal" range for your height. Easier said. I believe that when we eat exactly what we want, prepared exactly how we want it, we ultimately make the best decisions. Stay away from the numbers, be healthy, be active, and be grateful. You'll be much happier, trust me.

  8. I was just visiting my parents in the midwest over the weekend and got suckered into infomercials. Before I knew it I was purchasing six Winser Pilates DVD's–Daisy Fuentes told me to. As I wait for their arrival I am binging on Girl Scout cookies, creamy pasta dishes and lots and lots of wine. Grace period.

  9. The last time I joined Weight Watchers it was sandwiched in between Dunkin' Donuts and Bagel Cafe. I scaled while salivating. By the time Lucille began the meeting I pretended to scribble notes. Points. Portions. 'What brought you here this morning?' She asked again. 'Anyone? Anyone?' Ferris Bueller. Ben Stein. Up went my right hand.
    'Yes?' 'Who wants egg and cheese on an English Muffin? Dunkin'Donuts is next door. So is Bagel Cafe. Jonny's Pizza is to the left of Suk Lo Fat across this very mall. Anyone? Anyone?' Lucille stood alone.

  10. I'm near the Krispy Kreme on 3rd Avenue, near 86th Street. My bank is nearby, other stores I quasi-frequent, like Best Buy and Banana Republic, are nearby. I have gone into Krispy Kreme once — to buy a 20 oz Diet Coke.

    On a hockey trip upstate years ago, we stopped into a Krispy Kreme somewhere in Rochester, Ithaca or some other snowy stopover that has more snow-plows than humans. I had one — their version of Dunkin' Donuts' Boston Creme — and despite being exhausted from the entire day traveling plus the game we'd just won, I felt the post-Krispy Kreme sugar rush.

    That was, and is, the last time I'll get another of their handheld, super-portable sugar-high.

    Good luck with WW — you'll understand if I fail to mention we'll all tie a yellow ribbon in a show of pro-Stephanie solidarity, of course…

  11. Sounds like your GPS was trust-worthy…not un-trust-worthy. Also…I like the Australian English voice…

  12. This post just made me incredibly sad. I'm 5'5 and a half and my Goal Weight is 140 or even 150, which is a loong way for me to go. But I'll be in my WW meeting tonight, trying to prepare for the weekend.
    Good Luck!

  13. The only way Krispy Kreemes are any good is if they are hot. Even then the sugar and grease are overkill.

  14. You throw around the word "Nazi" a lot. It's lazy, and borderline offensive. You're a good writer…come up with a better word. (Nanny, drill sergeant, enforcer, etc.)

    I know "Seinfeld" popularized the term "soup Nazi" and it's grown to mean anyone who's a taskmaster about anything, but using it so much – second time in a week, I think – takes the true power away. You know who's a real Nazi? A Nazi. This world is not free of bigotry, racism, and anti-Semitism.

    Using words like Nazi, retarded, or gay out of context seems a little lazy for someone who is otherwise as creative as you are.

  15. Don't go to the WW meetings. They are so depressing and don't help at all. The best thing to do is WW on-line. It's accurate and efficient. If you have questions, there are wonderful message boards. Good luck! I'm doing it too…

  16. I'm with Yvonne. 'Rotund' to describe Stephanie? Geez! Stephanie, good luck with it. What I find the most commendable is your quest for constant self-improvement. It is more than a number on a scale, it's you, knowing when you feel your best and how to get there. 145, 200, 123..YOU know what is best for you. Kudos. I am somewhat envious though, mmmm, snickerdoodle!

    Krispy Kreme=Yuck.

  17. i believe this is the only place i will stay more than 5 seconds reading about weight watchers…

    i need to put on weight!!!!!!!

  18. Don't listen to Jay. There might be some truth to the fat gene for some people, but only if your parents were substantially fat. And at 143, you're not exactly toppling over. Anyway, good luck with the program, and keep us apprised of your progress.

  19. I feel your angst and wish you lots of will power.
    My weight (and its fluctuation) is the bane of my existence. I've been 93 pounds and I've been 137 – and everywhere in between.
    Sigh.

  20. Someone told me that taking a swig of Apple Cider Vinegar after you eat sweets neutralizes the offending calories.

  21. Krispy Kremes are a veritable glycemic orgasm. I LOVE THEM! I think I can get past the mean things you said about them, but it's going to take some time.

    I had to smile at your conversation with the Suitor. He knows you well. And that's sweeter than any Krispy Kreme.

  22. Maybe you should join Jenny Craig instead. They were just recently bought out by Nestle. I'm sure they could incorporate this into one of their diets and you could eat lots of chocolate and not feel guilty about it. This must be a womans dream come true. If so, let me know so I can get a job at J.C.

  23. Last week on Paula Deen's show, she made a bread pudding out of Krispy Kreme's, can you imagine? I had a sugar high and gained several pounds just looking at it!

  24. When I realized I was looking much more like a post-partum Britney than a post-partum Denise, I got my butt to the YMCA. (Oh, how I wish there was a swanky Equinox gym in my neighborhood, but whatevs.) It's such a slow process, but I'm getting there. Good luck!

  25. With you on the Krispy Kremes. Too sweet. Good luck with the Weight Watchers. I too struggle with my love of food versus my desire to be thin. Food is winning by a long shot, though I'm a few inches shorter than you and way heavier. Maybe I need to go to Fat Camp. I've often wondered how you handle your enjoyment of such incredible food with maintaining your weight. Keep us posted on the WW thing. I've tried it and had moderate success, but apparently I don't have the will to stick with something long enough to change my lifestyle. Hope you have far better luck than I.

  26. I don't like Krispy Kreme's either, they make my teeth feel greasy.

    And I feel you on the WW. As a matter of fact, looking back over your weight related posts, our weight has followed the same pattern over the past year or so. I'm on the high end of my yoyo and MUST get back into the skinny clothes.

  27. Am not a fan of the Krispy Kremes, myself. I've only had one, and it was too sweet.

    Actually, I've only had one bite of one.

    Far too sweet.

  28. Diet and weight advice from strangers – classic. Don't listen to anybody except your own body. Good luck with WW, make it work for you. I am addicted to cheese and always make it fit into my weekly/daily points.

  29. At 5'5", you are within the normal range. BMI overweight starts at 150 for this height. I'm just saying.

  30. Vinyasa yoga. Try it. Changed my body forever and it feels (almost) better than sex.

  31. I worked on a campaign once where every morning they would bring boxes of hot, sticky Krispy Kremes. I got to where I hated the sight of a box.

  32. Stephanie…

    First time poster, long time reader. Thanks for the great post, and good luck with the scale. I totally know where you're coming from- I binge on Lindt chocolates, caramel cow tails and my colleague's mint milanos daily. It's so hard not to.

    But I always start my day with you, so thank you.
    Schmicky

  33. Krispy Kreme now reminds me of an episode of "Sex and the City". Miranda meets a man at a WW meeting. They end up sharing a donut, and the rest – well, if you've seen it you know that's not all they share!

    Ick!

  34. This story reminds me of my friend who was so distraught after her initial weigh-in at WW that she went to 7-11, bought a shitload of beef jerkey and powdered dougnuts, and binged right there in the parking lot. Oh, and she washed it all down with a bottle of Yoo-Hoo.

  35. Hi, from a former North Shore girl (now in SF). I never liked the KKs – I always have, and always will be, loyal to DDs. Their hot chocolate is worlds better than Starbucks.

    Good thing for my waistline that there ARE no Dunkin' Donuts in SF.

  36. Please get help. Your food obsession is scary. Disturbing. I don't think WW will do it, sorry to say. I'm not worried about your weight, it's more a matter of mental health.

  37. Krispy Kreme in New York City is no good. It's the water. The water in NYC is good for bagels – not doughnuts. You have to have a glazed KK in the south – Winston-Salem, NC the headquarters or Atlanta, Ga (only at the Ponce de Leon location though). I know – I've tried them in all three places. Never too sweet. And as for the detour before WW – hysterical. Don't do the online – go to the meetings – just remember – no chinese or mexican the day before weigh-in. I'll let the people at your meetings tell you why.

  38. I don't know if this helps at all, but I saw you at your reading not that long ago, before you left for Austin. I thought that you looked really nice, with nothing to worry about in the weight department. So, from both a medical and an aesthetic perspective, if you keep up your healthy lifestyle and even enjoy an occasional snickerdoodle, you should do just fabulously.

  39. Hey, good luck with your journey with Weight Watcher’s. They’re the safest most effective company that really focuses on healthy eating. I went on it before and lost a considerable amount of weight. Of course- gained it back after not going to the meetings. The meetings are so important to go to. It makes you stick to the plan because you don’t want to say, “Ugh I gained 2 pounds this week!” That was my motivation.

    “How much did you lose Deb?”
    “Ugh….zero.”

    Embarrassing. My problem is my alcohol consumption. I love my beer and wine. What does it say about alcohol? I remember they said you could have like ONE light beer with your dinner or one glass of ‘white’ wine. Ugh. It’s hard dieting—but for your height, 143 doesn’t sound bad Steph. Plus, I like my women with a little meat on their bones! You probably look fantastic—and also remember that muscle weighs SO much more than fat. Everyone carries themselves differently. From what I have seen of you—you’re beautiful.

  40. Stephanie, I am 5'2" and am 125, does that mean I have to be 110? when i weighed 110 in college i was diagnosed with anorexia. i guess the reason that numbers don't count to me as that i have a ton of muscle tone, thanks to push ups (not the girl kind) and sit ups over the years. the only numbers to focus on is size 2, 4, 6, or 8 or whatever you feel necessary and the percentage of fat which keeps me more on track. you should get it measured, it should be between 18 and 22%. i'm just sayin', but they're right above, you have a man that loves you, and you're beautiful! ~Jodi

  41. Dunkin Donuts are so much better.

    One of the reasons I moved from NYC to Austin is to loose weight; the thought being that I'd drink less, go to dinner less and be able to escape my shitty job and pull out of my depression.

    The first year (last year) I was able to drop 15 lbs, got into Ashtanga yoga (totally changed my body), cardio, weight and even dropped the depression… until I went back into the cube. Now I'm right up to where I was. Now I'm going under the knife and I might just have to drop the corporate gig. Maybe I'll try the WW thing as it sounds like the best plan out there. I hate that you are battling this, but it is nice knowing that I'm not the only one.

  42. I lost 40 lbs on WW in three months. It was so easy … but now I realize that it was easy because I was nursing! After stopping the meetings, I gained 20 back. Rejoined a few months ago and have only lost 5 pounds!!! It's MUCH harder for me this time. But it does work. You look great, but you will be happier at 125. My goal was 148 … at 5'6. And I look VERY skinny at that weight.

  43. I recently had a run in with KK and they made me ridiculously ill from all the sugar. Which is why I pledged my allegiance to Dunkin Donuts.

    Good luck with the WW.

  44. Krispy Kreme – ick. People are obsessive about them in these parts and I just don't see (taste) the attraction!
    Jay has been appropriately bashed. But 143 = rotund, gimme a break. 5’4” here and I have weighed 115 – 230 .. it’s all about health and comfort. I wasn’t healthy at either extreme … somewhere in the middle, preferably when I don’t have to shop in the *big lady* stores.
    But you know all this…It sounds like you just want to be healthy and comfortable. You can do it. Eating *fresh*foods always seems to do the trick for me …

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