barely

In ALL, MARRIAGE by Stephanie Klein36 Comments

Sleep maskImage via Wikipedia

I sleep with a mitt.  That's what I call it.  It's a black velvet helmet really, that covers your eyes, but it's no ordinary sleeping mask.  It's the mitt, and it means business.  Last night I couldn't sleep.  It seems I can only fall asleep when a movie I know by heart is on.  Last night, after the finale of Huff, I switched on the 1996 hit She's The One.  But when The Suitor saw Ed Burns on the screen, he complained, "Think we can put on something I can actually stomach?" 
"We're watching this."  It's enough that I give him the good side of the bed, near the television.  I was mid-movie when he strolled in.
"But isn't this that movie with Angelina Jolie as a news anchor who's going to die?" 
"No, that's Life or Something Like It."  I'm surprised I remember the title of such a crap movie (which I probably even own on DVD).  "This is with Amanda Peet, Jennifer Aniston, and Cameron Diaz."  I assume this information will make the movie more palatable for The Suitor.  I then flipped over, pulling the mitt over my eyes, trying to sleep as I listened.  But each time the plot turned, I found myself turning toward the television, sneaking a look at the screen.  In one scene, Jennifer Aniston was complaining to her husband about his lack of libido.  "I don't even remember the last time I saw your penis!" She shouted at her hubby.  With this, The Suitor turns to me and asks if I'm wearing the mitt.
"Can you see?  Are you using the mitt?"  I pull it up some more, so he can see that my eyes are no longer covered.   "Can you see this?" he asks, showing me his penis. 
"Barely."  Then I turned back over, the mitt over my head. 
"Well that's good enough for me," he said.  And then he swung his arm around me and we laughed.  And laughed.  Until tears began to fall into my mitt.  I love nights like that.  They're my favorite, and so is he.

Comments

  1. That is hysterical. Its nice to know my boyfriend is not the only one pulling it out when the word penis is mentioned. We get it, you have a penis. Let's move on.

  2. If I slept with such a item on my face, my cats would remove it while I slept, disembowel it, eat portions of it, and yak up said portions in optimum position for my feet to land in said cat yak at 6:30 AM. I guess that's why you have a dog, huh? Sweet dreams.

  3. I have the gift of being able to sleep anywhere, anytime, and awake fully alert the instant I am needed. I can even hear a small child cough from 4 rooms away from a deep sleep.

    Light matters not. Noise matters not. However, I must not be hot.

    I can't imagine having to wear a mask. It would drive me insane in the same way being hot while sleeping does.

    Odd to see Philip called Philip, rather than TS or The Suitor. Not bad, just odd.

  4. Haha I noticed the Phillip, too. Had to reread that sentence. I do the same thing though, with movies. I always put on the ones I know by heart.

  5. I posted on the last post- but was wondering when Stephanie was on TV network and what show?

    Also, what month was she featured in Elle mag?

    Stephanie you should have a part of this site listing all your 'in the media' stuff! We all like to keep track. Ooops, should I be sending that to suggestions… ?

  6. Tanya- i don't know about the food network appearance but it's the July issue of Elle…

  7. I hate when I'm trying to sleep, but I keep having to watch what's happening on the TV. It's frustrating because obviously I can't do both at the same time, but I can never figure out which one I want to do more.

  8. More and more we try watching late-night movies but wind up falling asleep by 11; I've got the by-the-TV slot, but she gets quasi-final say on when the TV goes off (or when I go into the living room to work on the PC or watch something on TV).

    We're watching Tourgasm, Family Guy, some South Park classic/repeats, Hell's Kitchen, and Entourage (not in that particular order). TV tastes better when there's someone there with whom to share it; when it's someone you love, and that someone you love laughs when you do, is shocked when you're shocked, and smiles when you smile, it tastes great.

    Now if I can just get her to watch "Hotel Erotica 5" on Skinemax after midnight, we'll be perfect… :-D

  9. I absolutely positively cannot sleep with the TV on. I want to murder the viewer if I'm trying to sleep and somebody wants to watch Sports stuff.

    Men are always pulling out their penises, or shoving their balls out of the zipper of their pants to get a reaction from women.

    I hate the foreplay move of a half-hard penis in his hand, and he's twirling it around as if to say, "Come on baby, you know you want it."

    Mitt or penis, penis or mitt? I vote for the mitt!

  10. I love that! It shows how very comfortable you are with each other – I don't think I could have ever worn a mitt with my ex-husband – before or after marriage … although he was always ready to yank out his penis ..

  11. I don't use a mitt, but I do use a sleep mask. I can't sleep without it, even if the room is completely dark. It has something to do with feeling pressure on my eyes.
    My SO doesn't mind the mask, although whenever I put it on he usually makes a joke about how he knows he won't be getting any now.

  12. I just looked at the photo of the 'mitt'. Good grief, I couldn't sleep with that contraption over my face. It looks positively tortuous (torturous?)

  13. My husband has been threatening to get me a mitt, but I need to know – doesn't it rat up your hair really badly? And I was meaning to comment on the last post, but didnt get time. You are a strong woman, let me tell you. I can't imagine being able to withstand 100 + people all discussing my weight. I would be in tears if one person said something! You deserve a lot of respect for that, and good luck with your diet. You look fine to me from what I've seen, which isnt much.

  14. I'm also curious about the mitt. It doesnt smash against your nose if you sleep on your side? I'd love to find something like that so long as it is extremely wearable. Also, echoing someone else's question, it doesnt get too hot?

    Funny, fun reading. There is nothing quite like the shared 'inside joke' and intimacy that comes with true love. I love the category this one is filed in Stephanie, so very happy for you both!

  15. My girlfriend wears a mitt when she goes to bed. The difference is, if I asked if she could see 'my penis', she would have definitely left me! ;)

    You two sound like true 'best friends' as well as lovers. That's so important!

  16. lynn, you can see the photo of the Mitt – use your mouse to click onto the word Mitt in the first sentence………

  17. The laughing is one of my favorite parts of a relationship. It means and gets you through so much. Laughter…one of my turn ons, I guess.

  18. All of your habits have rubbed off on me. 'Cause that's cool, right Neph?!

    My "mitt" is white satin…and I have started to do without because of the big ass zits that it has caused. But I got so used to wearing it that now I am going through a bit of withdrawl. I just can't sleep as well without it!

    As for falling asleep to movies, I am forever haunted by the repeat menu of Groundhog Day thanks to you. Lately, I have been falling asleep to the Wedding Date.

    And falling asleep with Linus between us is definately much nicer too.

  19. Stephanie, thanks to you now I know that the word penis is more or less the same as in italian (pene). I'm italian and it's quite difficult for me to understand your slang…but I love it anyway. Thanks

  20. that's cute! my PG version of that would be we'll wrestle with each other and try to put each other's stinky feet to each other's face and see who'd win!!
    alas, he always does.
    but nothing beats the laughter thereafter!

  21. i love my mitt. i'm a night shift nurse so i use it on a regular basis but ask me how confused i was when i had a guy over for the first time after not being able to sleep without it? can i wear that in front of a casual sleep over or do i try to brave sleeping through the sun? oh, the things we do for …

Leave a Comment