I get asked a lot of advice. My email inbox is teeming with questions about what their next move should be. I always try to answer honestly. I know if the question were voiced in a published article, the answer would be too correct and healthy. I love unconventional advice, when a grandmother tells you to poison your husband’s dinner, just enough to make him remember where his bread is buttered. Recently I was asked the following questions, and wondered how off the wall my answers could be, while still proving helpful:
1) It’s 4:15am – you’ve just returned from a night of sangria martinis and are getting down to it when your cell phone goes off. Not only do you answer it , but it’s your boss screaming that you got her hotel reservations in Anguilla all wrong. How do you keep both your boss and your man sweet?
ANSWER: Why are you answering your phone at 4am? I’ll tell you why. You are assuming that someone has died. No one calls at that hour with good news (and you cannot count the drunken dial of an ex-boyfriend as "news;" it’s expected). So learn from this. Now that you’ve answered the phone, though, keep it short with bossy and promise boyfriend he gets to be bossy as soon as you’re off the mobile. "Baby, how ever will you punish me for picking up that naughty phone?"
2) You think you’ve managed to drag him away from football for an entire week – but you’re wrong. He’s a constant crackberry, and when his thumbs are numb, he’s scooting around town, hoping to find “the game” somewhere in the middle of Bali. Next thing you know, he’s hooked up with fellow fans in a hotel lobby. Grrr. What do you do?
ANSWER: Well you certainly don’t join him. I hate that advice. Be one of the guys? You have a vagina; don’t let him forget it. It’s one thing to stay for a drink or two beside him, but then you open your pretty mouth and be honest. "I know this is important to you. I understand it and am here beside you, but here is what’s important to me." Then tell him you want to go home and show him what the real meaning of "off sides" is.
3) You’re on vacation. You’re taking preventative measures: suntan lotion, bug spray, condoms. But when it comes to food, you plan to readily stuff yourself until your white cargo pants need to be unbuttoned. You’ll work it off the next morning, snorkeling, diving, having sex. But what’s this? Your man’s ordering his dressing on the side. A small Greek salad. He’s watching his figure. How can you possibly binge in peace now?
ANSWER: Normally, I’d say withhold sex, but in this case, it doesn’t sound like he’d care. So my advice is: sabotage. Tell him he needs to eat with you because you enjoy everything more when he delights in it with you. If he makes a fuss, tell him there’s no better exercise than salsa dancing followed by sex, and you promise to keep him sweaty through the night. If he’s still fussy, tell him no woman can really trust a man who kibosh’s the carbs. If he’s that picky about what he eats at the dinner table, he’ll be even more finicky about what he eats in the bedroom. So remind him you love him just as he is, encouraging him to instead order you with the dressing on the side, and that you’ll help him eat healthfully once you’re home. Or, if you want to play the role of supportive and healthy girlfriend, you binge when he’s not around, or bring cheesecake and ropes into bed. These are your options.