In ALL, DATING & MATING by Stephanie Klein28 Comments

I get asked a lot of advice.  My email inbox is teeming with questions about what their next move should be.  I always try to answer honestly.  I know if the question were voiced in a published article, the answer would be too correct and healthy.  I love unconventional advice, when a grandmother tells you to poison your husband’s dinner, just enough to make him remember where his bread is buttered.   Recently I was asked the following questions, and wondered how off the wall my answers could be, while still proving helpful:

1) It’s 4:15am – you’ve just returned from a night of sangria martinis and are getting down to it when your cell phone goes off. Not only do you answer it , but it’s your boss screaming that you got her hotel reservations in Anguilla all wrong. How do you keep both your boss and your man sweet?

ANSWER: Why are you answering your phone at 4am?  I’ll tell you why.  You are assuming that someone has died.  No one calls at that hour with good news (and you cannot count the drunken dial of an ex-boyfriend as "news;" it’s expected).  So learn from this.  Now that you’ve answered the phone, though, keep it short with bossy and promise boyfriend he gets to be bossy as soon as you’re off the mobile.  "Baby, how ever will you punish me for picking up that naughty phone?"

2) You think you’ve managed to drag him away from football for an entire week – but you’re wrong. He’s a constant crackberry, and when his thumbs are numb, he’s scooting around town, hoping to find “the game” somewhere in the middle of Bali. Next thing you know, he’s hooked up with fellow fans in a hotel lobby. Grrr. What do you do?

ANSWER: Well you certainly don’t join him.  I hate that advice.  Be one of the guys?  You have a vagina; don’t let him forget it.  It’s one thing to stay for a drink or two beside him, but then you open your pretty mouth and be honest.  "I know this is important to you.  I understand it and am here beside you, but here is what’s important to me."  Then tell him you want to go home and show him what the real meaning of "off sides" is. 

3) You’re on vacation.  You’re taking preventative measures: suntan lotion, bug spray, condoms.  But when it comes to food, you plan to readily stuff yourself until your white cargo pants need to be unbuttoned.  You’ll work it off the next morning, snorkeling, diving, having sex.  But what’s this? Your man’s ordering his dressing on the side.  A small Greek salad.  He’s watching his figure.  How can you possibly binge in peace now?

ANSWER: Normally, I’d say withhold sex, but in this case, it doesn’t sound like he’d care.  So my advice is: sabotage.  Tell him he needs to eat with you because you enjoy everything more when he delights in it with you.  If he makes a fuss, tell him there’s no better exercise than salsa dancing followed by sex, and you promise to keep him sweaty through the night.  If he’s still fussy, tell him no woman can really trust a man who kibosh’s the carbs.  If he’s that picky about what he eats at the dinner table, he’ll be even more finicky about what he eats in the bedroom.  So remind him you love him just as he is, encouraging him to instead order you with the dressing on the side, and that you’ll help him eat healthfully once you’re home.   Or, if you want to play the role of supportive and healthy girlfriend, you binge when he’s not around, or bring cheesecake and ropes into bed.  These are your options.


  1. I’m going for question 3, because my girlfriend and I are going on vacation…and we’re both ‘girls’ watching our weight—so this can get hairy!

    3) You’re on vacation. You’re taking preventative measures: suntan lotion, bug spray, condoms. But when it comes to food, you plan to readily stuff yourself until your white cargo pants need to be unbuttoned. You’ll work it off the next morning, snorkeling, diving, having sex. But what’s this? Your man’s ordering his dressing on the side. A small Greek salad. He’s watching his figure. How can you possibly binge in peace now?

    You said it right there! You’ll work it off the next morning snorkeling, diving and having sex! I mean—that’s the whole beauty of it. Usually people think, “Oh vacation, I’m gonna gain a mass amount of weight.” Not true! The walking and browsing around and all the activities, including the great sex will have your hips tight in no time!

    EAT! LIVE! It’s your vacation for the love of GOD!!!

    So? Did we write the same exact thing or what? ;)

  2. 1. Tell your boss to fuck off and your man to fuck ON!

    2. Spend all his money on your trip.

    3. Withhold sex.

  3. 1-You shouldn't have answered. Having done so, you now have to figure out why you're boss is calling at 4:15 AM. Isn't Anguilla in the same time zone? At some point, you apaologize for the error and ask what you can do.

    2-Negotiate how much time he can spend on football. That time that he spent shopping with you wasn't because he likes shopping, it was to make you happy. Now make him happy by allowing him some limited personal time.

    3-This has nothing to do with food, and everything to do with self-confidence and self-esteem. If you want that pu-pu platter for 2 that you're going to eat yourself, just do it. If he becomes judgemental over it, that's his issue. Denying yourself a reasonable craving just because he MIGHT think ill of you is a cry for approval.

  4. 1. First of all, you should never answer an unknown number at 4:15 in the morning! But, since you did, now you have to respond to your boss. Book your boss a room in a swankier hotel. As for the SO, make it up to him in the morning.

    2. There's no need to be glued at the hip. Book a massage or a facial at the spa while he watches the game. Get together afterwards.

    3. You're feeling guilty because you know that binging is never a good idea. Respect his decision to eat salads and eat within reason but don't be a glutton.

    How'd i do?

  5. #1, Tell the boss (why answer the phone? Caller ID baby) to fix it herself or volunteer the name of some other lackey at the job; you're on vacation. #2, So he wants to talk football? So what? You're on vacation, not joined at the hip. #3, You're on vacation. Eat what you want. Jeez this was easy.
    sarah g

  6. #1) let him deal with you while you deal with the hotel people; everyone gets dealt with and everyone's happy.
    #2) let him numb the rest of his fingers with Fistina from that day forward while you find someone who wants to crack your berry.
    #3) you don't. just burp loudly and keep eating. (or, see answer #2 above).

  7. honestly, the person in the (1) first situation is rather f-ed. picked up the phone during sex? ouch! and boss screaming, well, the best thing would be, since she did take the call, to handle that situation straight off, and then afterwards, boyfriend wise? pretend she's competing in the bj olympics and go for a ten, because she seriously stumbled on that double axel in the begining of her program.

    the other folks seem a tad neurotic in the first place. c'mon, who expects to change someone in a relationship–on a trip to Bali? even a casual reader of Oprah magazine knows better. my suggestion would be…couples therapy? maybe more compatable boyfreind?

    and ditto capri pants lady. deal with it-his dieting won't make you fat. although people that decide to diet while on a vacation or during a big holiday annoy me. a tad selfish. binging, dieting,and vacation? phooey. put on some sunscreen and just enjoy your damn snacks!

  8. Well, I can't presume to know what you would say. However, my advice:

    1.) Say, "Sorry, ma'am, but you've got the wrong number…." and hang up. (Okay, that's not very nice…so call her back after the deed is done. How long could it take with all that Sangria?)

    2.) "Well, honey, I'm going out on the town. See you later!" And make sure he sees you walk off, looking fine, with your head held high and a smile on your face. If he doesn't follow, oh well.

    3.) Eat what you want. Diet, exercise, die anyway. Might as well die happy…

  9. Not sure how you answered, but me?

    1. I'd sigh, fix it (boss problem) and then do someting REALLY nice for my boyfriend. Or maybe I'd fix the problem while naked.

    2. Either a) join him in the lobby with a drink or three…or b) go off and sun myself while he was watching football. At some point, I'll probably want to do something he hates, so I'd just get over it, I think, with the understanding that it wouldn't consume the entire trip. Oh, and I'd steal the Blackberry. ;)

    3. I'd be concerned that I was repeating my "my boyfriend is gay!" mistake, and watch him closely…

  10. my guess:

    1) call the hotel and ask the age old question: "do you know who my boss is?" and insist on a full refund a full stay, or at least a free meal at the hotel restaurant. that may make her happy.
    2) tell your boyfriend you'll be on the topless beach talking to the lifeguard whilst he watches precious football.
    3)eat whatever you want and order all his favorite foods in the meantime, he'll snag a few fries in no time!
    was that unconventional enough? was i even close?? ~Jodi

  11. 1. Quit on the spot. You don't need this. Proceed to have unemployed sex.
    2. Get rid of him. Bali has a lot to offer to a newly single gal.
    3. If he can be gay I can be fat. It's only fair.

  12. 1) Blame a coworker
    2) Would it kill you to sit for an hour or two, drink a beer, and watch HOT men in tight uniforms? Have you not heard of TOM BRADY????
    3) As long as he eats you every night, why are you complaining???

  13. 1) Blow him. Then call the hotel. Time saver.
    2) Can't relate. I would never allow myself to have to deal with a man like this. So, the answer is "N/A".
    3) See number 2.

  14. I'm just wondering whose grandmother tells them to poison their husband's dinner.

    Not saying it's not sound.

    Just wondering.

  15. who answers the phone during sex? Is #1 a trick question, cause I don't think that would happen. Plus, if my phone is ringing at 4:15 a.m., any dude I'm with would probably have an issue with that. So in order to make up for the ringing phone, I better put it on him proper like. For real.

  16. From the guys perspective:

    1. Go ahead, try to take care of your boss while I'm taking care of you. And don't answer the phone anymore unless you look at the caller ID.

    2. Are you fucking kidding me? We're in Bali and I'm watching fucking TV? Hell no! Find someone new. (I'm not a sports fanatic, if I can't do it, I probably don't want to watch it.)

    3. Your boyfriend is gay and it probably won't work out. If he's not, it doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible. Or screw it, eat what you want and later do something so that he needs to increase his caloric intake.

  17. Well, I'm not sure how you'd answer, but here's how I would:
    1. I'd never answer the phone at a time like that. (I really liked how Manic Mom phrased her answer!)
    2. Stop playing into the stereotype that girls don't like sports and watch football. It rocks!
    3. I can eat any man under the table. I've just accepted it. I'll be ordering every course including dessert and polishing off some high-calorie frozen drinks. Eventually he'll start jealin' and want some, too.

  18. Stephanie,

    Don't quit your day job. I think you might be the last person I'd take advice from regarding my love life.

  19. I know this is a Mars/Venus thing, and I have no expectation of ever understanding it, but why do so many women in here have an issue with a guy watching what he eats? More than half the posters have found him either gay, a cheater, and/or selfish. When I'm on vacation, I shove it in with both hands, but if someone else didn't feel like doing the same, it doesn't make him any better or worse than me.

  20. JoeyB, you're wrong. It makes him worse. It makes him uptight. You're on vacation, and no woman wants to be with a man who isn't passionate about life. Food is life. I'm passionate about it, and if I'm with a guy who ho-hums his way through things, pushing a carrot around on a plate, I'll bore. Easily. We like seeing people who enjoy themselves. Cottage cheese, no matter how you look at, is never going to be sexy.

  21. Stephanie–right on with the Food is Life! But a question to everyone who posted here… male or female–how many of you have ever been on a vacation and made a conscious effort to DIET?!?!?!

    That is just stupid.

  22. These are fun questions.

    I would have to say beware to the writer of question 3. Whenever a man in a relationship goes on a diet it means he's cheating or wants to break up soon. One of the only reasons men stay in relationships is so they can get fat. So I don't know, guys in realtionships on diets under 65, tough.

  23. Oh yeah, Stephanie I am with you all the way on #3. Nothing like a man trying to control his diet to send us on a guilt trip. I follow the exact same trick that you suggest. Lay off the sex because that's the excuse I give him that I am binging right now so that I can lose it with an afternoon of great sex. If you are on a diet, I can find someone who isn't :) works everytime.

  24. Come on. There is no way that ALL of you women commenting here have NEVER attempted to stick to a diet despite the insertion of a vacation into the middle of your "12 week plan." The person in #3 should grow some balls and eat whatever she wants, and stop making other people's choices all about her.

    I imagine if this question were written in reverse, where the woman is trying to maintain some semblance of healthy eating on her vacation but is being sabotaged and pressured by her boyfriend to eat badly… the advice would inevitably be to lose the controlling boyfriend who is so unsupportive of the woman's efforts to be a healthy and confident individual. Yet when it's the other way around, somehow the guy is still the controlling and unsupportive one. Baffles me.

    And sorry, but withholding sex because your guy ordered a salad is just plain absurd.

    God help the men out there with this to contend with.

  25. Stephanie, you really need to get off of the whole "Low carb boys don't know sex" bit, because it is not necessairily true. Some yes, some no.

    That being said, I love the advice, and it is funny as hell. Be glad that yer man is not into soccer, or should I say, evloved football. We take our football much more seriously.

  26. "Food is life. I'm passionate about it, and if I'm with a guy who ho-hums his way through things, pushing a carrot around on a plate, I'll bore. Easily. We like seeing people who enjoy themselves."

    Why does someone need to have a hearty appetite to keep you from boredom? The same person that wants to eat carrots might want to take you scuba diving to an old wreck. I love to eat, but that doesn't mean that I enjoy life more than someone who watched their diet. And if my wife is on a diet, I make an effort to eat better when I'm with her, to help her efforts. But if she is not, I certainly don't think I should have to eat more just to be an enabler.

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