“He doesn’t love me enough to move the relationship forward.” That was the basics. I’ve heard it before. He’ll say it has nothing to do with love, but we’ll feel it has everything to do with it. Everything else is an excuse because when a man really loves a woman, he’ll get creative, he’ll make it happen. He’ll fight for it. So. Now. Here we are, deciding whether or not to pack our things. Move in with a friend. We dread the idea of combing craigslist for a smaller apartment. We cry. We ask everyone what we should do, hoping someone will serve a valid argument why we should stay.
“He doesn’t love me enough to make the next step” was the basics of an email I just received. But it’s not just her. It’s almost every single woman I know. I hate that that’s true. I’ve been there. I’ve also been to the Being Fearless conference, and here’s what I learned about needs. We complain that someone else isn’t meeting ours, but we never ask if we’re meeting ours. “I need to feel…” Fill in the blank. I’ll be happy when my kid pees in the potty, when I lose weight, when I get accepted to that program, when I’m respected as an artist, when I’m on Oprah. Now dissect it. I need respect. I need validation. I need to be loved more. I need to be accepted for who I am. Then ask yourself if you’re doing it. How can you, each day, alone, give yourself that need? I know what this sounds like. Self-help vomit. I know. But I’ve been in it lately. Deep. And I’m sharing it because it has helped me.
So I responded to the email with: “Not loving me enough.” That’s the need you’re not getting met, right? I mean, clearly. So ask yourself, and this might make it easier for you, “am I loving me enough?” I’m CERTAIN your answer will be NO. See you’re chasing that need. Wanting to be loved enough… but are you loving yourself enough? Are you taking care of you, realizing that you are worth love, and at the end of the day, do you KNOW that you are WORTH, even if you are alone. You were brought into this world as YOU, not an US. You are worthy just because you are alive. I worry you know this intellectually but don’t feel it. To feel it, you might just have to be on your own, to really know it and believe it. And once you do, the moment you really believe it, your world will change because you will behave differently. You will TAKE OWNERSHIP of your LIFE! You won’t let HIM make decisions for you… by his not making decisions. YOU will do what you want and need to do for yourself, and then you will be loved enough. I know it’s hard, but our hardest times are when we grow the most. And that, I’m certain, is part of what life is about. Growing and discovering who you are, walking into the fear, instead of running from it. I know it’s Stuart Smalley of me, but I don’t care.
For me, it has been validation. I’m sure that’s true for a lot of people. It’s because deep down we don’t believe in ourselves, in our work, not deep down. It’s why being on Oprah seems to be “it” for us. Then people will know. Then I’ll be taken seriously. NO! You need to take you seriously, and if you don’t, find a way to work on it. Find out why you don’t. For me, it’s intelligence. I doubt mine, often. Maybe it’s a trait I inherited from my mother. I don’t know. What I do know is that I doubt it, and comparing it to others isn’t the answer since there will always be someone smarter, prettier, wealthier around. It’s about perspective. Intelligence has nothing to do with test scores or schools. Some of the smartest people I know are walking wrecks. It’s the total package. We need to remind ourselves of our total worth. We do what we can each day so we begin to believe in ourselves more. For me, it might mean learning a new word each day. Reading something interesting, pushing myself into something new. But it’s my own need, so I figure out how to fill it.