dropping an eaves

In ALL, DYSFUNCTIONAL DIETER by Stephanie Klein50 Comments

“It’s your first step to becoming a home-maker.”  “It” apparently being “buying a three pack of chicken breasts.”
“No,” she responds, “I think the first step to becoming a home-maker is cooking all day on Sunday.”  I’m eavesdropping again.  “Take a fork.  Poke holes in it.  Put it in the oven, then you’re done.  Serve it with your chicken.”  They’re talking potatoes and cans. It’s not an Irish joke about Shamus’s dirty testicles. “Green beans and corn.  I like ‘em cafeteria style.  I’d rather eat everything else fresh, but man, I hate crunchy green beans.”  “I feel like it’s not real cooking if I use the microwave.”  “Target is one stop shopping, that’s why I registered there.  If you work there for 21 hours, you can get health benefits!”  I want to work at Target.  I need health benefits (aside for my cobra benefits which cost an arm & leg).

The girls are discussing her engagement and her prenatal vitamins.  They ‘re counting carbs together so this one can fit into her wedding dress and that one doesn’t gain too much weight during her pregnancy.  They’re both in college.  “A handful of nuts or cheese is good for snacking, but it’s high in fat.”  Then they discuss babies and how insulin makes them grow.  This makes me think of my toes and The ‘beeties.  She’s got gestational diabetes. “Vegetables are good carbs, but fruits have too much sugar.  They’d rather I get my carbs from vegetables.  Rice is THE WORST carb, and I’m Asian, so it’s torture.  Thank my personal savior Jesus that Doug doesn’t like white rice.” Okay, she said “God,” but it’s fun to say Jesus around here.  I then learn the one who’s pregnant, the Aisan girl, is married to Doug and already has one child.  She’s now pregnant with her second.  “I want three, but Doug wants two.  I’ll change his mind, and I have to hurry up and have them all before I’m thirty-five.”
“But you can have babies when you’re over forty these days.”
“No.  You shouldn’t have an infant at that age.  You should be a young mother, and by the time I’m forty, I want the kids to be applying to colleges.”  The Suitor is 39 is all I can think.  I cannot imagine him with children that age.  I can’t imagine myself, at 30, with anything more than a toddler.  Though I’m getting ready for one, even though I’m not pregnant yet.  We’re now shopping for another car, so we each have one.  Bring on the SUV (Oh, and as an aside, when we were test-driving some yesterday, we nearly got into an accident in the parking lot, when I exhaled a nervous, "Oy vey."  The salesman let out a guttural laugh and responded, "Well, that’s a phrase I haven’t heard down here in over a decade.  Folks ’round here say ‘boy howdy,’ instead.")

Via IM, I relayed the above conversation to a friend, who responded, “I wonder what people would think overhearing our conversations.”  I spent the day discussing my vagina, which I imagine is far more amusing to hear. Ah, the vagina.  Good times.  Add insult to injury, I think I’m getting a yeast infection.  "What, like you have to pee a lot?" The Suitor asks.
"No, dear, that’s a urinary infection."
"I don’t understand."
"A yeast infection… never mind."

Boy, howdy.

Comments

  1. Yes, there are Jews in Austin. Before we moved, The Suitor contacted a rabbi here, asking about the active Jewish population. So please, for the love of Adoni, don't make this comment section into a religious battlefield.

    Kisses,
    The Management

  2. Please don't buy an SUV. It screams, "I'm an ass." Oh wait, that would be appropriate. Never mind.

  3. Children in their early twenties?

    Boy, howdy, what a different world I must live in! None of my friends or family my age have started having kids until they were approaching 30. None. Now that we are in our early 30s, my wife and I are /finally/ having our first child. Maybe it's a generational thing, maybe it's a big city thing.

  4. I love SUVs. I know that isn't terribly PC of me….

    So I don't drive a hybrid. I don't fly around in private jets all the time either.

    Ahh…. the monster car. :)

  5. An SUV? Try a Subaru, so that when you explore the hill country of West Texas, you might find yourself going places that the Expedition might not be able to go. Just a thought from a Pac Northwest kid who knows how that stuff works, plus they are great kid cars. Plus, they are really, really safe.

    Oy Vay? Wait till you hear the other stuff that comes out of the mouths of Texans-now that is just a foreign language!

  6. I imagine you will overhear a lot of surprising conversations. Keep in mind you are in a RED state albeit a blue city. Oy vey!

  7. I second the Subaru idea. I have an Outback and I love it…it's got all-wheel drive but is not large and obnoxious and as bad for the environment. I live in Colorado where EVERYONE drives one….and for good reason.

    I also think it's pretty ridiculous to drive an SUV in a place that doesn't get any snow…..just sayin'.

    But you are in Texas, so when in Rome…

    Btter yet, why not a nice Volvo? Now THAT's a family car! ;-)

  8. I loved this post! Nice normal and I can sort of relate as some of my favorite products are not available in Fl. Like Poland Spring Water! WTF?!?!
    But best of luck and have fun!

  9. It is surely a different world. My cousin and I are the same age,(40) she grew up down south and I in NYC. She came to visit recently with her college age daughter and three other little ones! I have not had my first child yet. In fact, none of my NY friends have children. Is it something in the water?

  10. i say 'oy vey' a lot and i'm not jewish. i wonder if people assume i am? not that i care. it usually takes the place of profanities, which i try not to say.

  11. Sounds like Texas living is a bit different than NYC. But it also sounds like you're having fun!

  12. Having lived all over the country, I think people are pretty much the same everywhere you go. You'll find just as many young and old moms in NYC as you'll find in Texas.

    My mother says the only thing that is different for us older moms (I'm 35 and had my first at 32) is that we read too much. She had 5 kids by 29 and was too naive to know better or fear the ramifications of every parenting step she took.

    No worries for you…. my sister-in-law had triplets at 39 last year and is loving life. Okay, she has a lot of help (read full-time).

  13. You should check out the alumni association at your college for health insurance – it could save you some $$

    Folic acid – another mineral good to take if you're trying to get pregnant

  14. Yikes! You’re in another world down there Steph! Can you imagine me walking into your neighborhood…a Christian lesbian? Quite the contradiction for those southern bible belt folks that thump the bible over your head God forbid someone says, umm…vagina.

    I once told an ex-boyfriend of mine…(yes I dated men when I was younger) that I thought I had a yeast infection. He told me to stop drinking beer.

    Gotta love a man’s point of view.

  15. Chicken breasts are much more interesting than the vagina, believe me. Everyone in New York's got a vagina, but only in America do people buy three packs of chicken breasts.

  16. Boy Howdy .. geez .. a little imagination would be good!
    Hope you are having fon test driving .. I am the queen of SUV's, w/4 kids you gotta be!

  17. My parents relocated to Texas for a little while years ago and noticed everyone said, "I tell you what…" before and after just about everything. One version pronounced kind of breathy, like "I tail yew whhaht" and the other a little more backwoods, like "I tayul yew wuuut." That and everyone, at some point or another, was referred to as Bubba. Very interesting place, Texas… I'm looking forward to seeing it again — this time through your eyes.

  18. Try saying "oi vey" in the neighbourhood surrounding the Vatican. Boy howdy, is it fun. You make my day, as always, La Klein.

  19. None of my f'ing business, but I hope at least one of the cars is environmentally friendly. Even if you already had a family, there's no crying need for two SUV's (and i am fair to the right). Funny too, that while I consider my religious, once you get outside NYC, it is a whole other story. I remember down in SC, when I went to a pizza/italian place, and I saw this big open Bible in the lobby, and I knew right there that I was real far from home. I liked it, but it just not the sort of thing that NYers are used to. Still, I find that most people no matter where you go are just plain folks.

  20. What, do people not buy chicken breasts in New York? Just askin'.

    And to head off the yeast infection, try garlic. Eating it will help, but more direct contact will help more. I'm not kidding. I'll refrain from the details here, but do google it.

  21. Mitten derinnen, or as I prefer, mitt and drin, I'm spinning anagrams for boy howdy. Oy why bod?
    Who'd by yo? Enough. Westbury LonggggIsland Target sells Empire chicken. I'll send. Aisle near baking needs. Like yeast.

  22. Just what the world needs… another SUV. Driving behind an SUV is like driving behind a wall.

    Also, Texas is not considered "the south" or the "bible belt." It is Texas, first and foremost, and then it is part of the "southwest" along with Arizona and New Mexico. Southern culture is completely different from Texas culture.

  23. As a mom of two, I had an SUV with the first(Durango) and a van with the second (Town and Country ) and the van wins hands down. Better ride, comfort and easier in and out. Please note though that the only guys that look at you while you're driving a minivan are guys who are also driving minivans. Sad but true.

  24. Those infections can be caused by too much sugar…

    As an Asian, I agree with Doug's wife – it's hard to say no to eating rice.

  25. Hi, never commented before but have been reading for a while. Just wanted to point out that hormonal changes in early pregnancy can cause yeast infections. In fact, I didn't know I was pregnant this time until my YI cleared up and I realized I had it when I should have been having my period. FYI in case you're still late! Another FYI, this is my 3rd, but with my 1st I had to take 5 tests over 2 weeks before getting a positive…

  26. Subaru is not so environmentally correct when they changed the vehicle design ever so slightly so that they qualify as a truck now, rather than a car, and can benefit from the lower emissions standards of trucks.

    I suspected you blog (or more specifically the comments) would become irritating when you moved to Austin. It didn't take long at all. A few random interactions at Target and a car dealer, and the judgments emerge. I have lived here for 8 years and have never once heard anyone say Boy Howdy. You have to leave the gated community to experience Austin.

  27. For what it's worth- I had my first child at 21 (he's 18 now) and my second child at 38 (he's 2 now). We have college applications and potty training going on at home.

    Thank God 40 is the new 20. Even though I have a few more grays, children, have a way of keeping you young at heart.

  28. I was driving to Cavo in Astoria two nights ago and there is this curve by La Guardia on the G.C. where you can see the skyline perfectly. I stared at it and thought of you; I can't believe you aren't here.

    And then I started craving the simple life and thinking about how heavy this place can be on the soul, not just on the pocketbook. I focused on the car in front of me once more…

  29. Yesterday I had to go from the East Side to the UWS for a bra. (Town Shop) Met a friend who came with a car. A really lovely fight ensued when some a$$ scooted into the spot we were waiting for. After purchasing said bra, we needed to hit Madison Ave. for shoes. A mere 40 minutes later we were there. Oy vey! The women in the store were irking me to no end. "Adrienne, they look gaaawgeous on you. Why are you hocking yourself to death. Buy them!" Couldn't get out of there fast enough. Any accent other than NY would hit the spot right about now. The best is when you hear a Yiddish phrase with a Southern accent. See the film "Shalom, Y'all" and you'll know what I'm talking about.

    Was about to post what Mel said. Hormonal shifts can bring on the beast yeasty. So you won't know until you know, but you're shifting. Period? Pregnancy? Dunno.

    I strictly adhere to the three month rule. Avoid a kayna hura whenever you can. For instance, I was once invited to a Jewish girl's baby shower. Couldn't bring myself to bring a gift. When the baby was born, I sent something. Avoid the kayna huras! (Of course, when you hit three months to the day, post ASAP!)

  30. I LOVE TARGET!!!

    I talk too loud, I just realized that from reading your post. If people overheard my conversations, they'd have me committed.

  31. a la Rosie – Volvos are awesome, the newer styles are much more chic nowadays, and they are so so safe. Can you tell I was raised by Volvo driving parents? I have to agree with the anti-SUV people…what with gas getting as high as it is, etc. It's just not economical anymore to buy an SUV…

  32. My brother's girlfriend Jessica is from Texas and she introduced me to the joy of "…bless her/his heart" (as in "She's looking so tired, bless her heart" or "He's a total prick, bless his heart".) Let's you get away with just about anything apparently — especially if said with a strong southern accent. Now after three years in New York and over a year dating my nice Jewish brother, she's added "oy vey" to her daily repetoire.

    The oy is so Northeast — I hope you don't lose it! :)

  33. I just have to say Stephanie that you are special and you are loved…what else matters?…Enjoy your courageous move and stay in the moment and keep on writing!

  34. One of my chinese friends told me that "oy vey" translates (in Mandarin) as "zhen zao gao" & spoken with a very flat intonation.

  35. Wished you lived in Charlotte. I just moved here and am dying for a fun friend! (actually I live 10 miles north of charlotte) Also, you are lucky you have a Whole Foods too.

  36. Am I the only one who thinks that a guy who drives a minivan is H.O.T.???

    p.s. Please please please don't be Those People. The ones who drive the SUV for no good reason whatsoever. There are a million and a half other options that are family-friendly and don't kill the planet or waste gasoline unnecessarily.

    Thanks!

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