the missing wart behind the firewall

In ALL, MOVIES by Stephanie Klein25 Comments

I needed to get the hell out of the house.  I walked to Union Square, swiped my card, smuggled my steaming Chai tea into my handbag, and then I sat–no, I reclined in the plush stadium seating where all the armrests were up, leaving me with a row of sofa–the only person in the theatre, at the ready for Nanny McPhee. She was there to teach  the unruly children five lessons.  I was an English major, and I still count on my fingers, so I don’t boast on about my math prowess, but surely I can count to five.  Yet, I somehow missed the five lessons. 

1.Say please and thank you. 
2.Go to sleep when told. 
3.Wake when told.
4. Something else, but I forget
5. Listen. 

Maybe I didn’t listen.  Maybe the please and thank you bits were separate lessons.  I’m sorry; I got distracted.  See, just as the movie began, a couple entered the theatre, seated two rows in front of me (in an empty theatre), but they were over to my left.  Then a few more stragglers made it in.  A crying baby, some kids fighting over nacho cheese or a shoelace, something to do with "that’s my moo moo hat."  It was fine; it was 4:30pm, a luxurious hour for a movie on a Thursday afternoon.

Part-way through the movie, out of the corner of my eye, just as the screen lit up when Nanny McPhee’s first wart disappeared, I saw a quick steady movement.  I’d seen something like this frantic action before.  This time though, it was not a hand.  The she of the couple seems to be bobbing for apples on the lap of the he of the couple.  Holy shit.  She’s going down on him at a kid’s movie.  I don’t know what my obsession is with my camera, but immediately, all I thought–okay, not all–was, I have to take a picture of this so someone believes this.  I couldn’t do it.  Instead I texted The Suitor, "I am at movies and there is a couple near me lying down.  She’s going down on him."  To which he responded, "I’m jealous."

Then I got to thinking.  Nanny McPhee’s second wart disappeared as the children learned another lesson.  Public sex.  It sounds exciting to me, it really does, and I was turned on knowing this couple was beside me getting off, or at least one of them was.  But as my luck would have it, it wouldn’t just be the thrill of "what if we’re caught," with my luck, it would be, "oh, hi officer."  I know there are books suggestion public sex.  Could I hold one up in my defense, pleading that I was just trying to keep things fresh?  What if I said please and thank you and could sleep and wake on demand?  Would it make the charges disappear? 

"Come on, let’s go see a movie tonight," I urged once Nanny McPhee ended.
"But you just saw one."

With The Suitor sitting to my left, we saw the mistake of all movies, Firewall.  It was my suggestion, without reading any reviews.  I thought it would be a welcomed recommendation as it was a departure from my usual chick flick demands.  It was the first action film I’ve ever seen where I actually turned to The Suitor and said, "is it just me or is this movie dull?"  Then it stopped being boring and became beyond stupid.  So we wouldn’t be missing out on a good movie if I, say, I don’t know, began to push my hand between his thighs.  I decided to slip my engagement ring onto my right hand.  Then, with my left hand, I reached toward his groin area.  I felt something hard.  It was his wallet.  Shit.  I could also sense he wanted no part of my public play; he preferred, I assumed, to mock the mockery of an action film.  I was firewalled.


  1. Yippeee for me I am the first to post! Kudos for attempting to keep it fresh! Public pleasure seems to be a tried and true method. My mother-in-law once a little tipsy once revealed how she and my father-in-law got it on in a movie theatre. Bravo!

  2. Oops….just one clarification…

    I would never condone (sp?) that type of act in a children's movie EVER! Sickos!

  3. Firewalled. I love it. I'm stealing it. It's amazing how often men claim to want more interesting "action" and then turn it down when it becomes a possible reality. Wonder where that comes from………….Bobette in Sin City

  4. It always baffles me how when I'm the only one in a theatre, people straggle in and sit down right behind me. And TALK. I think here in Utah, the activities you mentioned would be a felony…participants would be dragged out and force fed green jello until they repented. Have a great weekend.

  5. I LOVED Nanny McPhee, it is my new favorite movie. I went with my friend Erin and her 4 year old step-daughter. THe little girl slept through the whole thing!
    It was very Mary Poppin-ish! I love Emma Thompson, and it helps to know that she is dating Colin Firth, which makes the movie allt he better! :)
    I hope you try to watch the movie one more time, even if you rent it!!!

  6. What the hell?? Did he bump his head or something when he was little? (haha) Me and a ex of mine (several years ago) got really busy during (I think it's called) RANSOM with Mel Gibson. We saw it twice, and both times, we just started going at it. GOOD LORD, it was something I will never forget. Luckily we brought coats, and was able to cover up our "exposed" areas, and I must say, hand-action is much under-rated. Good memories!

  7. I forgot to say also, the mouth is a MUCH under-rated good time to have also. There is nothing quite as exhilerating as public display of intimate affection. Car. Movie. Restrooms. Fun times.

  8. Emma Thompson is married to that hot actor from Sense & Sensibility and they have a kid; Colin Firth is married to an Italian woman and they have kids. But god love Mr. Darcy! (back in Pride & Prejudice days, pre-Bridget Jones flicks)

  9. for some reason the IDEA of public sex is far more appealing than the actual act…

  10. Even thought the film was a bit dull(even if it was dull as fuck-no pun intended) and mockworthy, nobody should resist a BJ in a movie theatre. Does that mean that the suitor is totally out of the other end when it comes(again, no pun intended) to "road head"?Be "high school" for a while, and enjoy sex as it is.

    Great post, Stephanie-made me laugh(and was inspirational)

  11. Your engagement ring?! Now I must go catch up on all your previous posts to see if I missed a big announcement. (Congratulations!)

  12. Is this *the* announcement? Or have I too missed something besides the e-ring note here. At any rate, Many, Many Congratulations!

  13. Totally fun! My partner and I have felt each other up, surreptitiously, in public places. Haven't most couples? The darkness, the presence of others, the naughtiness of the whole thing — it all adds to the thrill

  14. I couldn't get this post out of my head. I think you have to address Gene's post. What was the Suitor's wallet doing there? Maybe, if I was leaving a poker game, in a real bad area, with a whole lot of money, maybe, possibly, if I were paranoid, I might keep some money there.

    But I can't really think of a logical reason to keep my wallet there.

  15. I was mistaken about the wallet. He doesn't carry a wallet, but a money-clip, and that was in his back pocket, or somewhere else. It was cell phone in his front pocket. Still, didn't change things.

  16. Welcome to Austin Stephanie. My town right now. If you ever have any questions let me know..

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