The day my future husband asked my father for my hand in marriage, I wrote a letter. I decided to post that letter (in its entirety, under the category "past tense") because it’s not the same sorrow without knowing the joy first. It’s also not the same joy without knowing the sorrow. I’m posting these entries on the same day. This is how I’ve lived it, and for all those who’ve experienced a miscarriage, you know how hard it is to make someone understand who hadn’t been beside you, in the rooting, excited with the hope. "Dramatic" people might cough up. They clearly don’t understand what it’s like to experience real pain. This is a blog. A daily blog. I couldn’t write about my pregnancy in my first trimester because of "the rule," but some friends who read this won’t even know I was pregnant, so "miscarriage" is starting a story with an ending. That’s not what I do on this blog. I document my life chronologically. I’ve waited to post both these entries, after some time has passed, for me to heal. I’m tired of having to defend myself. It’s my blog and diary. I don’t do anything to be dramatic, except cry, but that’s in person… I’m living my life, and now that some time has passed, I’m posting about it because maybe it will help someone feel less alone in the process.
Philip and I decided that now was the perfect time to have a child. We love each other; our lives are as stable as they’ll ever be. The men in my life hit Peter Luger’s Steakhouse, split a porterhouse, and talked shop. My father knew what was coming. “The trifecta,” he would say. “1) I want to marry your daughter; 2) you are going to be a grandfather; 3) may I have your mother’s ring for Stephanie to wear as a symbol of her relationship with her as well as our new beginning?” My father knew we were trying to get pregnant; he’s one of my best friends. I tell him everything. "Don’t you want to wait until you’re married?"
"What for? So it looks right? Who the hell is looking? This is right for us."
At the end of their meal, Philip pressed speed dial, asked for my hand, and passed the letter to my dad. Tears came from my father’s eyes as Philip handed him the phone. “My little girl, I’m just so happy.” I started to cry, too.
Things don’t always turn out as you’d hope.
You don’t tell people you’re pregnant when it’s too early. So you keep it a secret and hope no one notices you just ordered a seltzer with lime. “Oh, I’m on a diet,” you say when they do. They aren’t supposed to know because it’s still the first trimester; things can go wrong.
Things went wrong. On our first visit with our OBGYN, at just under 8 weeks pregnant, he couldn’t see a heartbeat. “But I’m hopeful,” he said. Progesterone inserts were prescribed. “It’s an oral medication, but you will take it vaginally.” It’s a baby, not a yeast infection. So Philip, being the positive one in the relationship added, “This will be fun. Is it time to play hide the progesterone yet?” I scoured message boards for information. Well what is a normal progesterone level? At 17 (20 is considered normal, I think), mine was only slightly low. What the hell does that mean? Like now it’s true, I’m only slightly pregnant? No one said the word miscarriage. They said the word “hopeful.” So I was. I was also afraid to be happy.
“Be happy!” Phil cheered. Then he kissed my belly. “Everything is going to be great; you’ll see. You know how stubborn I am?”
“Yeah.”
“And you know how I’m good at anything I put my mind to?”
“Uh, huh.”
“Well.”
I rolled my eyes and smiled, which led to more tears. “It’s the hormones,” I said. “Well, I guess it’s also me.” I was terrified of being happy.
Because when you’re happy, it gets taken from you. That’s the hardest part about loving. It also sucks. That fucking rule about not telling people until the first trimester is through, that rule sucks. Because if something does go wrong, you need people. I needed people. I found myself writing letters to friends I hadn’t even told about the pregnancy, “You don’t tell people you’re pregnant when it’s too early, but now, ironically, I want to tell you because I need you.”
I was pregnant; we found out on our trip to L.A. I was at NBC; Phil was at CVS. He phoned me from the store. “Which test do I buy? I mean there are so many to choose from. Plus, minus, two lines, one line? Do you really care? ‘Cause the pharmacist said the generic brand works just the same as that EPT early test.”
“Holy motherfucker, you’re going to get all cheap on our first pregnancy test together?” My period was one day late; my breasts were so sore I thought I might have a tumor. Seriously, one night in bed (I’m a stomach sleeper), I turned to him in a moan. I felt a lump and worried. Everything hurt though. I swear to God, I didn’t have any idea your breasts could hurt that early on. I thought I’d get a sick heavy case of period. I thought wrong.
“I don’t care which test you get; just get one!” We giggled. Or he did.
He tells me now the pharmacist said, “Aww, you called to ask her? Look, if she has a problem with the generic one, you have her call me!” There was no problem; everything was positive.
We cried and hugged and laughed. He worried about being a provider. Worried if I was too hot or cold or tired. “Baby, whatever you want. I don’t want to fight. You can always be right because you are the woman I love.” We set the automatic timer on our camera and took this photo.
I went to the doctor at 9 weeks pregnant to learn that the fetus never developed properly. “A blighted ovum,” he said. “I’m sorry Stephanie, but you can see, there’s no movement. I can’t see a heartbeat; I’m sorry, but it’s not a good pregnancy.” He said that something genetic wasn’t right so it stopped developing.
There’s more. There’s a lot more, but I’m not getting into it now. We’re trying again. We love each other. We are family, and we’re overwhelmed by all the love and support and warm wishes. I’m still hopeful, and while being happy scares me, I can’t help it. I am. Because we survived that, the shit coming down, and that’s how you know who you’ve got. I’m happy because everything is in front of me.
February 1st, 2006 at 10:34 pm
Thinking of you at this tough time, and knowing that you will get through it.
February 1st, 2006 at 10:38 pm
I wish you and Phil the best. It is wonderful when you find the person you can go through everything with. That picture of you and Phil is beautiful.
February 1st, 2006 at 10:39 pm
Beautiful post. With sadness comes hope and promise. That's how life works sometimes. Congratulations on your engagement. May you both have a long and wonderful life together!
Cheers!
February 1st, 2006 at 10:44 pm
I'm so very deeply sorry for your loss.
February 1st, 2006 at 11:02 pm
I'm sure you've already heard this but I am so sorry for your loss. I read the first post and was about to comment when I decided to read the one above and I started to cry. I know everything will work out in the end.
February 1st, 2006 at 11:03 pm
Hi Stephanie…again thanks for sharing the highs and lows…that is very generous of you. I'm sorry for your loss too but I'm excited for the life they lies ahead.
Alice in VA
February 1st, 2006 at 11:07 pm
What a beautiful picture of you, and I've seen some beauties! Love is inside and all around you.
February 1st, 2006 at 11:10 pm
*hugs* Steph
February 1st, 2006 at 11:21 pm
I don't know what it is about your writing, but I feel for you…happy at your joyous news, now a sad tenderness. You're lovely, and I wish you the best.
February 1st, 2006 at 11:23 pm
I wish you and phil all the best. I havent been much of a crier lately but i was tears by the end of your entry. Congratulations on your engagement and best wishes on your future together.
February 1st, 2006 at 11:46 pm
problem w/ being a regular blogreader is that you start forming this connection w/, and think you know so much about, the writer through the various things s/he cares to share. Then comes the dose of reality like this post to remind me that I'm reading about a real person with all these things going on that we know nothing about.
But thank you for sharing. If there can be a good part, may it be that you grow closer as a couple.
February 2nd, 2006 at 12:06 am
"Remember Red, Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."
Luv,
PT
February 2nd, 2006 at 12:17 am
Oh Stephanie, I'm so very sorry. The elation I felt for you reading your post today and then scratching my head at the use of past tense. You are truly a brave soul and a wonderful person. I love that Phil SO gets you and I thank you for the insight into previous posts that make so very much sense, in hindsight. Curses to the idiot's that hammered you so relentlessly, may the bird of paradise fly directly up their respective noses.
Here in the South, my first thought was "Oh, Sweetie, you poor dear." No, I am not ninety-eight, but the term of endearment fits and is commonly used in these parts. If I knew you, I'd give you guys a great big hug and let you know how much faith I have that things will be A-okay. I am still cheering your announcement today and mourning with you both for your loss.
Good things will come, promise. Karma rewards the good guys, like both of you.
Thanks, from a stranger made to feel like a friend by reading your innermost thoughts and feelings.
Huge congratulations still very much in order!
February 2nd, 2006 at 12:37 am
I too was scratching my head over the Past Tense part.. then mistakenly assumed you'd written it in the past when the feelings were fresh, and saved it to post when you were ready to make the big announcement. What a rollercoaster of a day it's been reading your blog.. Awww – what a great, strong inspiring girl you are. Am sending good thoughts to you and your lovely Phil. The two of you absolutely glow in that picture.
February 2nd, 2006 at 12:42 am
Stephanie and Phil, Congratulations and you will be in my prayers b/c your writings make my day every single time.
February 2nd, 2006 at 1:11 am
I often read your blog, but rarely comment. I'm so sorry for you… I send you a kiss :*
February 2nd, 2006 at 1:14 am
It will happen just keep the faith!!! I believe in you two!!!!
February 2nd, 2006 at 1:27 am
Well that explains some of your previous posts…I am soooo sorry and sad to read this!
You two are beautiful together and so very brave to share with us this personal insight into your lives.
We really DO care and wish you well! Here's hoping that soon your jeans won't zip again
I will be saying a little prayer every day until you write to tell us your good news o.k.!!
Lots of Love from Atlanta!
Mellissa
February 2nd, 2006 at 2:20 am
I am so sorry – there really aren't any words I can say to express how sorry, except to tell you the exact thing happened to me while trying to have my children. I know how badly it sucks, and how disappointing it all is. I'm just so sorry you had to experience this loss.
I wish you and Phil nothing but wonderful things – I'm sure you'll have a beautiful life together.
February 2nd, 2006 at 2:55 am
You have a great husband. Great things will eventually happen to great people. Sit tight
February 2nd, 2006 at 6:49 am
Dear Stephanie,
I am confident that one day your future child will look at that photo and smile, knowing that he/she has the best parents. Chins up. It is still a time to celebrate, so enjoy each moment of the engagement.
La dolce vita.
xoxo
Amy
February 2nd, 2006 at 6:50 am
I wish there was more I could say or do than say how sorry I am to hear this…
February 2nd, 2006 at 7:52 am
Your such a beautiful couple, I see the love in you two- its amazing & with that everything is possible!!
February 2nd, 2006 at 8:43 am
The moment you realise you're pregnant, you start planning for the baby. You think about what time of year they'll be born, and forsee all their birthday parties (summertime – picnics in the park) and think about your friends with kids and wonder if the children will play together… no wonder, then, that you need someone to talk to when all that is taken away from you. And when you finally tell someone, they tell you that it happened to them, too. It happens more often than people know, because we all keep it quiet. Why is that?
You're very brave to say it out loud. Courage gets rewarded. Good luck to you both.
February 2nd, 2006 at 8:55 am
Hi Stephanie,
I've been reading about you and your life for the last 7 months. First I thought it was a good exercise for my english (I'm reading you from Rome,Italy), than I started to feel (I know it can be sound stupid) to have a new "friend" telling me her life. So many times I wanted to reply or leave my comments, but never had the courage, I felt too invading (you don't know me and probably don't want to know me)
But today I feel to write that I'm so sorry for your loss but hope for you both the best for your life together (You are so beautiful together..!)
Lots of love
Marta
February 2nd, 2006 at 9:22 am
Hi, I have been reading your blog since last summer. But this was the first time I really felt like crying! I wish you all the best and
keep goin!!!
February 2nd, 2006 at 9:25 am
What a heartwarming entry- I feel for you and Phil. Remember there is such love and true, honest-to-God JOY in the bubble surrounding you two. You will get through this and have 8 babies. You are both such good people and good will come to you full force!
Warmest hugs
February 2nd, 2006 at 9:27 am
good luck. things take just as long as they need to.
February 2nd, 2006 at 9:40 am
I don't know you, you don't know me.
Life has a very strange way of showing us our blessings. I am sorry for you tears, your anger and your fear. All can feel so overwhelming. But, your love, your friends, and your humor will see you through more than you can ever imagine.
Strength, courage and happiness to you and yours.
February 2nd, 2006 at 9:52 am
I got total warm and fuzzies from your entry. I'm a true believer that good follows bad..eventually…but the good usually ends up being even better than you imagined. And try not to fall into the "happiness gets taken from you" mode. It's ridiculously destructive and a self-fulfilling prophecy. Enjoy the good.
February 2nd, 2006 at 9:53 am
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I have a friend who had a miscarriage and now she has a baby.
Congratulations on your engagement. You look very happy, and good.
February 2nd, 2006 at 9:56 am
I believe something good always comes from something bad that happens. In the meantime, have fun trying to make another baby! And as my British mum up in Heaven always used to say, "Keep your pecker up!" (it really doesn't mean what it sounds like!)
February 2nd, 2006 at 9:59 am
Stephanie,
My thoughts are truly with you. This same thing happened to my husband and I as well. The only advice I can offer you is, just believe. Believe in your love for Phil, and believe in the love you have for yourself. You know this, I am just reminding you….
February 2nd, 2006 at 10:03 am
it will happen for you so soon, i'm sure. i'll be thinking of you. i'm sorry for your loss.
and the picture of you both is beautiful. congrats on finding the one.
be strong…
christine
February 2nd, 2006 at 10:10 am
Stephanie,
I hope you reread some of your old entries, as I do when I need hope, and that you are inspired by your strength and wisdom and frankness, as I am.
You will continue to learn, love and laugh!
Thank you for sharing all of this with us. You continue to brighten my days.
February 2nd, 2006 at 10:33 am
I can't say that I have any idea what it must feel like to go through what you just went through. All I can say is that I am thankful you have such supportive people in your life and I wish you the best. How privileged we are to get to hear about all the ups and downs. Best wishes to you, Stephanie.
February 2nd, 2006 at 10:35 am
Dear Stephanie,
Last night I told my boyfriend you were getting married and was pregnant. He tought it was pretty silly "you don't even know this person". And yet, it really is as if you're an aquitance, maybe even a friend. They need to invent a new word for this, 'blogship' or something. Anyway, I do feel for you like a friend. Good luck with the baby-making. I don't think you need luck with the father, he seems a perfect match.
Best wishes to you both.
February 2nd, 2006 at 10:40 am
Hello,
I've been reading your blog for quite some time, (Im in France), and the comments you get too, and this time, I've been inspired to send you a quick note (even though I don't know you!!) to tell you I wish you and the love of your life all the best.
I hope your dreams comes true and that you'll be happy, the 3 of you (cause I know it'll work and honestly, that's all I wish for you!) and that you'll be a splendid pregnant lady and I hope we'll get to see pictures! Meilleurs voeux!!
February 2nd, 2006 at 10:46 am
Someday soon…when you look into the all knowing eyes of your baby…you will never again ask "why?".
All my love & best wishes, Mari
February 2nd, 2006 at 11:05 am
Oh jeez girl. I'm so sorry.
sarah g
February 2nd, 2006 at 11:13 am
I have been reading your blog for months now and on several occasions have been moved to tears. Never more so than today.
I know it seems strange since I don't know you, but my thoughts are with you and the Suitor.
February 2nd, 2006 at 11:14 am
I'm so sorry for your loss…I hope you stay hopeful, you deserve only the best.
February 2nd, 2006 at 11:15 am
Wow. I am so sorry, Stephanie.
February 2nd, 2006 at 11:19 am
My friend told me first thing in the morning yesterday about the good news and we proceeded with OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.
Then again this morning she told me about this. Neither of us know you, but we're so sorry, truly.
Anything is possible in love…thoughts are with.
February 2nd, 2006 at 11:30 am
My sympathies Stephanie. You're in my thoughts.
What a beautiful picture of the two of you. You are glowing with life and love.
February 2nd, 2006 at 11:39 am
I'm not trying to me mean, I'm trying to be real. Because no one ever is. Where children or marriage is involved we seem to have a need to have a fairy tale creep in and the negatives that were there yesterday are…….. Is it the vulnerability we feel in love, and certainly in pregnancy that causes this? That we want it to be ok so we proceed half heartedly? Or try to have it sound grander than we feel?
If you've decided to have a baby together he's Philip?
There are recent entries where it seems as though the situation with The Suitor isn't going well at all.
How are these decisions made? Did you are Philip decide to have a child? Or did you and The Suitor find out you were pregnant?
Who am I to question another? No one. Maybe someone who puts it all out there could explain these curiosities i have, these contradictions, that I see in lots of people around me, myself included.
It just doesn't feel real… I know there are issues in all relationships, but I am speaking to the tendency to be sort of ethereal and have to back it up with "we're in love"
February 2nd, 2006 at 11:44 am
Dear Steph and Phil
I am so so sorry! Truly I am. Having been down that road I feel your disappointment. Being now the mother of two heathly happy boys I can tell you not to give up hope and have loads of fun trying again!
Steph I have to say I am so impressed with how you handled telling all us devoted fans. What a way to twist your news. Extremely compelling.
February 2nd, 2006 at 11:57 am
What a wonderful move to draw your audience to you blog, though that move is sewn with reality and lots of courage. I am so tremendously happy for you!!! Try again, Steph and Phil, one day you'll be proud parents of a beautiful child!!!!
February 2nd, 2006 at 12:23 pm
I am so very sorry Stephanie. I have been through a misscarriage as well and the one positive that I took out of it was the knowing that I could get pregnant. I now have 2 beautiful babies and they are perfect. You are right about needing people and you WILL get through it and get pregnant again very soon…when your body is ready. Best wishes and good luck.
February 2nd, 2006 at 12:23 pm
I was "moving" my blog today and going through some of my old posts and when I read this I knew I had to post it in here:
In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams, and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true. (quote from Cinderella)