creepy, not in a good way

In ALL, DATING & MATING, NEW YORK by Stephanie Klein32 Comments

Explain this to me like I’m a pig-tailed 4-year-old niece, okay?  I know a 40-year-old guy–we’ll call him The Slap–who has never been married, insists on Cavalli and Versace jeans, the embroidered kind, and silicone women.  He’ll offer, in a quarter-joke, to fly women across the country with him for an all expense vacation if they agree to fcuk him on the airplane.  He’s only joking if she says, “no.”  I’m privy to this information because, as the friend of his friend’s fiancée, I don’t seem to exist around him. 

I’ll repeat that.  One of my best friends is engaged.  Her fiancée, whom I adore, is friends with The Slap, so I get to hear the guy talk he blathers on about.  I also get to hear him make requests like, “I’m picking up my nephews, so we need to travel a half hour out of our way to get them, whether you like it or not.”  A request.  Yes.  All for family.  What a good uncle.  Ahem.

I later learned these boys were not his nephews at all but the children of his old college roommate’s.  I understand when children call their parents’ friends’ aunt or uncle.  It’s sweet.  But doing the reverse, calling your friend’s children your nephews is just plain stalker bomber peeping tom slap weird.  You say, “my college roommate’s kids.”  You don’t say, “my two adorable nephews.”  It’s creepy, and not in a good way.

It’s prohibitively cold out.  I’m in bed now, in two sweaters, beneath down, Linus beaning beside me, under the covers.  The suitor is arriving soon, as we’re scheduled to hit Paragon Sports to purchase warm clothing that slicks things away.  Sweat.  Wind.  The bitterass cold.  Clothing that slicks with double weaves and dry-fit.  The word techno.  Something with teflon in it.  I don’t care what it’s made of so long as it isn’t as prohibitive as this weather.  I want to move somewhere warm.  Perhaps today I’ll go read at Barnes & Noble with a warm apple cider in hand.  As for the holiday shopping, it’s called the Internet.  I don’t understand people who shop today on purpose.  I can understand buying a tree today, but shopping for pots in Macy’s Cellar?  WHY?  I’m only braving the stores, where they try to get into the black, to avoid being in the red nose reindeer category.  I won’t be shopping for any nephews though, seeing as I don’t have any.  Creepy, I tell you. 

Comments

  1. Not that it's any consolation, but it's what we Brits term "Brass monkeys" (ass-numbingly cold) here over too! We appear to have segued seamlessly from high summer to permafrost.

  2. Amen to that. The part about calling your college roommate's kids nephews and about shopping on the internet. Umm, that's what it's there for.

  3. Man, that IS creepy to call a college roommate's kids his "nephews." And the "I'm only joking" stuff only adds to the ick factor.

  4. I have a four year old pig tailed niece.

    There's nothing to explain. It's creepy. That's it. Skeeve.

  5. Two thoughts- Columbia Sportswear and Rei.com. There you will be warm. Here in the PNW we aren't packing on the cold, we are either drownding in rain or swimming in powder snow. And REI(Recreational Equipment Inc.) has some of the best stuff to keep you warm-their polyp longjohns are the best in the world to keep you warm, and their ragwool sweaters are fantastic(I know I have mentioned this before, but it's true). Eventhough the Suitor and Linus make much better heaters!

    I understand the whole nephews thing-that is ick personified. Even ick might say ick, for that matter. I mean, I have at least 30 aunties and more than a few uncles. But nephews that are not related at all? Not kosher.

  6. Concur. Creepy! I then read your "creepy in a good way" post and loved it. I agree that whatever we focus our intentions thoughts and emotions (it is so hard not to say "energy," being from No. Cal. but I will refrain!) will appear in our lives. This has happened to me so many times.

    I have also learned the hard way that it's preferable to focus our thoughts, intentions and feelings intentionally and consciously rather than the alternative. . . sounds like El Slapo is manifesting creepiness in spades!

  7. That does sound creepy. I don’t know, when I was younger, I would call my childhood friend ‘my cousin’, but I don’t think that’s creepy…an older man calling kids his nephew and nieces, hmm…

    Did you see on the news what happened on black Friday? In FL, they trampled all over each other in Walmart, just to get in the doors first. There was a stampede of wild customers practically killing one another over a sale—and most likely for those x-boxes.

    One woman was pregnant and on the floor while people trampled all over her—that’s disgusting.

    I saw another woman lose her wig in the process—that—(kinda funny.) Okay- not so funny.

    Internet shopping is the best way to go. No beating the crowds, no waiting on huge lines, and no shoulder-to-shoulder, wall-to-wall packs of people to contend with. Not only that, it’s flu season. I’m loving my OCD this time of year, because I will not venture in a mall. This is how people get sick. Ugh.

    Great post. Hope you’re enjoying your day home with Linus. Great day to watch some movies.

    Hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving!

  8. Happy surviving the day after Thanksgiving. Two years ago, for some utterly bizarre reason, I decided to do the Walmart thing – as I stood there, I found every single solitary ounce of Christmas spirit drain out of me into a sticky puddle on the ground. I still haven't recovered. I heard one cashier talking about how one woman BIT another woman to get the latest toy. Great – good will and peace to all. Stupid holiday anyway.

    Silk long underwear hon – that's what you need. Get em at Nordstrom – they're divine.

    It's snowing here today – I'm inside with a cup of hot tea, popcorn and Lifetime movies for women. Bliss? Utter.

    Hope you're equally content.

  9. Oh my God what an asshole this guy…..I'm new in your blog, and I like it a lot!!!could u please take a look of mine???I hope u'll leave some comments:)
    I used to live in NYC and now I'm in Valencia, Spain.
    kiss

  10. In Italian families, close family friends are frequently referred to as relatives(Goodfellas, anyone?). I have an "aunt" and "uncle" who were my parents' best friends from childhood – I've known them my whole life, and am as close with them as any of my blood relatives. Even now, I refer to their daughters as my cousins and vice versa.

    One of my closest friends always taught his kids to call me Uncle Chris (which I love), but I don't refer to them as my nephew and niece. I think the weirdness comes into play in the context of a guy who you've already determined was a little weird.

  11. A 74-year-old lady was trampled in Brandsmart on Friday. Can people really be this stupid? I remember last year I went shopping a week after Black Friday. The mall was unbelievably deserted. I asked the Dillard's clerk if she expected this. She said they all showed up the week before. What possesses people to *have* to shop on Black Friday?

  12. Some cultures (African American, Asian, Hispanic) really consider friends, not just blood relations, to be family. For example, I have cousins who are not really "cousins", but I've always grown up considering them as family. Same with their kids. We don't think its creepy.

  13. I, too, have 'aunts and uncles' who are not blood relatives and was also called a 'niece' by them as well; when I was a child. Now as an adult I probably wouldn't call them that, but by their names. Unfortunately, most of them have passed away and their kids(same age as me)and I have lost touch. All the same, the memories are pleasant and treasured as part of my growing up experience.

  14. I don't mind my friends' kids referring to me as their Auntie. However, I would never, ever refer to them as anything other than my friends' kids. To do so otherwise is just plain weird.

    It's pretty cold here in Tennessee, too, but I know from experience it doesn't compare to NYC's skyscraper-funneled cold. Bundle up and stay on the sunny side of the street.

  15. I find that children calling adult friends of the family, aunt and uncle to be a show of respect. I used to call my cousins that seeing as they are the same age as my parents.(My family is really spread out as far as age). However, they never referred to me as their neice. My best friend has two kids who call me Auntie Kristen. But they are always my 'best friends' kids', never my neice and nephew. Although I love them as though they were. Creepiness abounds in referring to children as family when they are undoubtedly not.

  16. my ex-brother in law calls anyone that he was friends with growing up or lived across the street from him or he knew at all in the entire country as his "cousin" or "aunt and uncle". i think even this is creepy and just confusing. what's wrong with "long time friend that i grew up with"?

  17. Clearly you loathe this guy, and probably for good reason.

    But sorry, the 'nephew' thing isn't one of them. Who knows what his story is with them, and the family. Maybe the kids are just really important to him and he's never really had that kind of family unit. Maybe he's searching for something that's lacking in his life. I don't know and I doubt you do either.

    "Creepy" would be stalking kids he didn't know, spending real time with kids that he does, actually seems nice.

    Most people here wouldn't dream of disagreeing with anything you say, but this seems out of line.

  18. I like how everyone was so quick to jump on the bandwagon and say, "ewww creepy", like it was a kindergarten recess. He's creepy for his advances and that he wears versaci jeans, sure.. but I have Italian Aunts and Uncles and I am their Nephew… and I'm not blood related to them.. EEWWW ITALIANS!! CREEPY!!!

  19. i have to agree with spenser– in particular about the part that no one would dream of disagreeing with you. it is the one downside of your site. lots of ass-kissing in the comments section.

  20. When I read about guys like The Slap I'm sad. I call it an attachment disorder of the highest order. Others might say when The Slap dumps them that "he's just not into you," but being a recovering attachment phobe myself, I can testify to the absolute fear that this guy feels at the idea of a committed relationship. Imagine being locked in an elevator, underwater, that's slowly filling with water. That's the kind of terror guys like The Slap feel when confronted with "the one."

    George

  21. I have to agree with Spencer here, my best friend has just had her first child and I'm referred to as Aunt Lucy and I refer to her as my niece.

    Nothing sinister or creepy, purely that it's far easier to say that than to do the explanation of – "Well, she's actually my best friend's daughter and although not related to her, her parents and I are very close and important to me…etc etc"

  22. Not sure what happened with what I tried to post the first time but anyway – just wanted to say that I love your blog.

    Very cool.

    JG

  23. Hey stefanie,

    I sort of drop in on your blog now and again, how's that book deal working out for ya? Or was that ages ago and I obviously missed the train? Anyhoo the 'The Slap' sounds creepy but I must take issue with you on effectionatley reffering to friends' kids as nieces or nephews, I won't rant long…I promise.

    Whatever happened to the days when the world was just a little more simple and innocent than it is now? Why do people who just happen to be a little more affectionate with kids always get stick about be sleazy old men or paedophiles?

    Before you you jump to conclusions I don't condone any of the above male-slutty behaviour you've highlighted, but I'd like to think that there's still an ounce of human goodness and honest down-to-earth love EVEN in the likes of 'The Slap' regardless of his philandering lifestyle.

    If you want to react to anything I've said well you know where to find me.

    Anyhoo take care, ciao!

  24. Sure, the man may be a creep in and of himself, what with his sleeziness and tight jeans (the Cavallis and Versaces have to be tight..that's how I picture it anyway). Calling his close friend's kids his nieces and nephews is not creepy. Many cultures REQUIRE that a child call an elder related or not Aunt or Uncle. What's wrong with the reverse? He's got no kids of his own and with his sleezy ways, this may be the closest he gets to having his own. Just be thankful he's good to them and not some "just plain stalker bomber peeping tom slap weird" pedophile.

  25. Y'all aren't terribly invetigative, are you? Perhaps the reason why he called them his nephews is that he wanted to add some importance to it. Perhaps he thought if he called them his old college roommate's kids, it wouldn't sound important enough to make you go half hour out of your way.

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