red zone

In ALL, LIFE LESSONS by Stephanie Klein24 Comments

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  1. Red zone coupled with high intelligence. My guess is you have the ability to really hurt people when you are angry (make many people cry?). I know all too well about that.

    Good luck on your journey.

  2. I could have written this myself in the sense that my life has been peppered with the same sentiments. Lashing out and lashing in, self-punishment and fear of being viewed as that ugly and spiteful person you appear to be in that moment, someone entirely the opposite of the person actually inside.

  3. Hmmm, I understand what you are going through. I used to do the same thing. I think on some level I still may do it at times, but no where near as much. You must have learned this coping method from somewhere. Somewhere in your past. Gosh, it sucks. You can definitely change it though. I wish you tons of luck.

  4. so true. I'm still trying to learn patience and learn that you can't make someone promise they won't leave you.

  5. I've always been one to push people away before they get too close… and to ensure that what I don't admit can't hurt me.

    I admire you for trying to change this about yourself. I don't think I'll ever be able to tear down my armor… or leave my red zone.

  6. Here's one I'd stick in this category:

    "*I'm* the creative one in this relationhsip."

    Now *that's* going to leave a mark.

  7. I love your analogy to an over-revved engine. I also second (from personal experience) John Galt's notion of the real danger of that over-revving in combination with high intelligence

    Insecurity and fear can lead to all sorts of consequences and behaviors; to things that are directed outwardly and to things that are directed inwardly. We're not always aware of the underlying causes or even of the behaviors, themselves.

    I think self-knowledge comes to us gradually, and sometimes, only after some delay and reflection. The real trick is to reduce the period between the fear/insecurity driven behoviors and our recognition of them as such. At some point, the lag in time gets to be so small, that we recognize them before they escape us and then can choose, or not, to take some other tack.

  8. i think there's a balance between being right and being constructive in a relationship. i find that is my battle. hopefully i've met someone who believes the same. now back to our regularly scheduled programming…

  9. you so eloquently put into words what i've known about myself for ages. thank you for this post…

  10. This is my first time commenting, though I read your blog every day.

    I have written that same exact thing (though in different words) on my blog many times. I've written that same thing in my journals for the past – well, my whole life. I lash out at everyone: friends, family, and especially signifigant others. I'm going through the same motions with my current boyfriend, and I'm terrified that I may be testing my limits a little too much. Reading your post today has made me promise myself to try harder to pull people in close and let them stay there…without testing them first. So thank you…

  11. I know how you feel. Try to slow your brain and look for the simple solutions in problems and relationships. It seems you get all mucked up in overwhelming emotions. Try to remember that no matter what happens, the world is still spinning and you are OK. Settle for OK at times. Sometimes, just being OK is enough. K I S S — Keep It Simple Stupid! and enjoy life.

  12. it's so strange that you made this post today… My mom is writing a paper for school about bullying and she asked to interview me for it and I have since discovered that deep down, i'm still the skinny, freckled buck-toothed girl who developed last and was made fun of for showering with a towel on. I don't know why those things still affect me… relationships are hard enough, but damn me and my issues… I totally understand how you feel.

  13. Don't you think you might be making yourself sick with so much self analysis? You seemed to go on and on and on about the simple fact that you fly off the handle when you are angry! Most people do.It is part of life.

  14. There are two words when said a certain way in a relationship that drive me up the wall….Okay and Fine. They never mean that and when you ask questions the other person just gets pissed off more and never tells you what's bothering them. They just expect you to know. We (men and women) are not mind readers, so just open up and say it. That way there is no confusion and so that they person knows what specifically upset you. If that person loves you, it won't happen again.

  15. When did it become okay for people to indulge their emotions anytime they felt like it? Especially in public? Once upon a time when people felt anger or hurt or pain, the correct response was to count to ten and put those emotions in a context ruled by reason and common sense before one commented on them. But now people believe if they feel it, they should vent it, and damn what anyone else thinks or feels or how they respond. You know what this is–it's selfish and it's immature. It's like how Venus Williams acted last week after winning at Wimbledon. She behaved like a spoiled child. She jumped up and down and screamed like a kid who forgot to take her Ridalin. It was embarassing. It showed no respect for the traditions of Wimbledon as well as no consideration for the other competitors. Her action was all about ME, ME, ME! What this civilization needs is a heavy dose of what Faulkner used to talk about–humility. Only then will we return to taking personal responsibility for our emotions as well as actions.

  16. Hey now…you hit a spot my dear.
    Why are we all so self sabotaging? Why can't we connect our so called brains with our…hmmm…heart. There. Not an easy task.

  17. As a recovering hot head, you do find peace when you learn to recognize the throws of your own temper. My ex-boyfriend (who I've written to you about), had a bad temper and it was scary. I learned very quickly how to be tactful when dealing with him – kind of come in the back door so to speak. And to be honest, when I look for another way, I ususally come out on top. Of course we broke up for other reasons, but what I'm getting at is this, it helped me in ALL areas of my life. Take a moment and approach the situation in a way that you have never done, the results will be much better. I hope this made sense. I have so much to say, but I don't want to drone on and give you advice. You're a big girl, but I wanted to repay the favor for the excellent advice you've given me. Be well.

  18. It's "throes", not "throws". I know people make this mistake all the time and think it doesn't matter, but if you consider yourself a writer, it really does.

  19. Thank you Sarah, for the correction. If I considered myself an editor, I'd be in serious trouble. I'm afraid I can't spell anything, and my diction is just wretched. Thankfully, I'm not paid for my grammar or spelling.

  20. You suck at dating? That shouldn't be. {Warning! Danger! Unsolicited advice approaching.} Seems you put too much pressure on yourself. The word 'date' can be intimidating in and of itself. Go out, meet, have fun, and try not to worry about the future and whether he's the one. I'm guessing the less you worry, the more the true Stephanie comes out. OK. I'll shut up now.

  21. Wow… I read this and felt as though you were reading my mind, my feelings and my life! This really hit home for me, because my red zone is dangerous—in the aspect of attacking someone I love with mere words. The tongue is the most dangerous weapon we can use.

    Thanks for sharing this!

  22. Hi Steph,
    I cannot relate to ur behaviour when in the "red zone"…..
    I am the kinda person who rarely gets into the "red-zone"…..thats bcoz ,as we all know, its a territory where we are not in control of ourselves and the kind of things we do at that time can hurt, even ourselves…..that is why I exercise tremendous control over myself.
    I avoid getting into a situation where i may lose my temper and act wild…..also I know that no-one, I MEAN NO-ONE, can control me in that state….

    Since you can express so much about urself and u have a sound understanding of human nature, I think its a matter of time before u too start exercising control over urself, even while being in the "red zone"

  23. The "picked last" thing struck me, that's what I'm feeling when I am rejected, always comes with a red flush on my face. Feeling ashamed of not being "good enough for our team". Very awkward. I try to get past that, too.

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