The elliptical machine is the least painful pursuit of sweat at the gym; it’s the exercise I can sustain for the longest period of time, so for me, it’s the most efficient cardio I can do. Sex is pretty much outlawed at the gym I’m afraid. Though my trainer did, once upon a deck of pounds ago, encourage me sometimes to lay on my stomach and work my back muscles, scissor kicking my way through the air. She didn’t realize it made me climax each and every time. Damn good times.
While busy suffering on the elliptical machine, I got to thinking, how many of these single people at the gym are online daters? Her screen name handle would be HeadOfTheClass because she always needs to be in the front of row of Power Core. I’m more of a, where’s the corner kinda girl. The guy who robes himself backwards in the locker room, putting everything, including cufflinks on before underwear is either gay or well endowed. The people who don’t wipe their sweat off the machines will make you sleep in the wet spot. Gym cell phone users are never in the now and always believe the really good moments are happening to other people; they might as well be the middle child. The dude who grunts too loundly while completing his sets will annoy the shite out of you when you’re that close to orgasm by chanting, "that’s right baby. Come on baby, yeah." Shut the hell up will you? This isn’t about you.
Then there’s the gym crush. You’re suffering, your dashboard draped with a towel so you needn’t stare at how much longer you’ve got to suffer through it. Instead you stare at hot, across the gym, the one who you can swear keeps looking up at you. You work harder. He’s looking. He finds subtle ways to come closer, nearly touches your machine when he leans over to check the score on one of the television screens in front of you. Instead of touching you, he returns to complete his next set of reps. Nothing will come of this, except a better work out and an exercise in fantasy. Gym crushes are a good time, and come nightfall, at least they provide the makings of a few extra burned calories. Yum. My gym bag is so packed and ready.