grace

In ALL, DATING & MATING by Stephanie Klein10 Comments

If he isn’t into me, it won’t take rocket science.  His phone calls will become sparse.  He won’t initiate plans.  I’ll get the hint, and the “why?” won’t matter.  Maybe it’s timing, someone else, me.  Who cares?  Next.  I didn’t need an explanation.  Sometimes there isn’t one, and then you have to hear vomit reality TV words.  Connection.  Spark.  Soulmates.

I certainly didn’t want a phone call explaining, “actually, you’re nice and all, but…”  I’d rather believe what was easiest for my esteem.  Commitment phobic.  He’s not over his ex.  Workaholic, Mommy Issues, Gay.  I didn’t need an explanation.  Clearly he’s just not the one for me right now.

Do onto others.  So, if I’m not that into him, I can stop returning his calls, emails, or hide my visibility on IM  (blocking is so dodge ball in 6th grade).  I’d initiate the phase-out.  He’ll get the hint, and this way, I’d be sparing his feelings.  He can assume the worst of me and still feel good about himself.  She’s not over her past.  Workaholic.  Social climber. Shallow.  No wait, this was the latest, “You were born too early. If you came around in the future perhaps you’d be able to live all your life in shallow catty 2D website space-time. Have a wonderful imitation life.”  Okay, so maybe this isn’t the best idea.

Who died and made me arbiter between a man and his esteem?  I was flattering myself, thinking if I had been straight up with the guy that he’d just curl into fetal position and scream out for his momma.  Okay, I didn’t have to be completely straight up.  I could have at least respected him enough to tell him things just weren’t working for me.  Hopefully, he’d accept the communication gracefully without asking for the whys of my decision.  “You suck in bed, your penis is negligible, and despite your greatest efforts, this will never, ever work,” doesn’t exactly roll right off the tongue.  I imagine it’s a little tough to stomach hearing as well.  Then I’d be left to lie, “It isn’t you.  It’s me.”  I want someone with a bigger dick.      

We all know hurting someone’s feelings is sometimes just part of the gig, and no one likes to do it.  But, I’m not a coward about it.  See, sometimes, I genuinely don’t know how I feel.  I’m confused and working it out in my head, and I forget sometimes that I haven’t returned a call or email, until it’s too late, and I’ve been accused of mixed messages and cowardly behavior.  I’ve learned never to make decisions when you’re confused and emotional. It’s best to assess and come to a decision based on reason.  That’s when I’ll confront what I must, who I must.    

When you do it, you feel like an adult.  It was the right thing to do.  You actually exhale when you learn they still want to hang out with you as friends.  You even exhale when you hear, “I totally respect that, and I wish you the best.  It’s too hard for me, though, to just be friends with you, so if things don’t work out, please know my door is open to you.  Anytime.”  See, that’s the kind of grace you look for.  That’s good people.  “You have an imitation life” is just bitter and angry.  I’d never respond that way to anyone I’d ever had feelings for.  It’s all data though, and I’m thankful it was revealed to me. 

Comments

  1. I'm not into dating. I'm more into the friends with benefits way of life – I've had two boyfriends.

    One of them I broke up with because I was never really interested.

    I currently live with the other.

  2. Soneone actually had the maliciousness to say that?!? Seems more like that person couldn't even live up to the base level of a decent date. I'd guess he read your blog and shriveled up in "The water's too cold" style.

  3. I am pretty good at the grace thing, but it came with lots of practice. People need to get dumped, mang, and sometimes it's got be hard (pun), and I mean hard, for them to get the point. So hard it leaves them crawling and gasping. I know that seems so cold, but sometimes it just needs to happen. However, by this point in one's life they should be bigger (no pun intended) about the whole thing.

    Laptop does a great song along these lines "Let Yourself Go"

  4. sadly, despite all the fun and intimacy that may have been in a relationship, it's the way that it ends that seems to define it thereafter.
    grace would be nice.

  5. Ug. I really wish it was that easy for me. It's really hard for me to be gracious with no explination. I must know, even if it sucks. I need to know it's because I'm fat, talk about my self too much, drink too much/too little, have shitty taste in music, whatever, I need to know.

  6. I was recently on the receiving end of a terminating-type phone call, and opted to refrain from asking the "why" questions. It was incredibly difficult, but I wanted to encourage the courtesy he was extending. I've been dumped via silence previously, and found the experience less than fulfilling.

  7. I was dumped a couple months ago by someone I really wasn't even that into (just sorta talked myself into being into him) and I was extraordinarily gracious about getting dumped. I insisted we be friends and not have any weirdness, lalalala. And apparently, it's worked out because the same guy who said I was too "into him" is now back into me (but of course, I've emotionally moved on, so now I'll end up having to initiate another of these conversations). But overall, I always accept an ex as a friend. It's good kharma.

  8. I was dumped a couple months ago by someone I really wasn't even that into (just sorta talked myself into being into him) and I was extraordinarily gracious about getting dumped. I insisted we be friends and not have any weirdness, lalalala. And apparently, it's worked out because the same guy who said I was too "into him" is now back into me (but of course, I've emotionally moved on, so now I'll end up having to initiate another of these conversations). But overall, I always accept an ex as a friend. It's good kharma.

  9. I'm having a hard time with the "ex as a friend" thing. After several years of being bitched at over small things, and thundering back with my typical rage and frustration, I get an email at work 8 weeks ago where she tells me she's involved with another man. Well well well. We're married, with a 4 year old boy. I left, couldn't deal with the sms alerts, emails popping up in my network packet captures, and phone calls while I'm at home. The hurt over him is winding down through intense workouts, alot of time away from her, and gin and tonics. It's been a month since I left, but I still wake up in the middle of the night turning it over and over and being pissed at her.

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