cookie puss

July 6, 2005

daily

When the line is too long, I find somewhere else to go.  The soggy beach bathroom, with its soupy floors of wet cold sand and footprints had a line that extended beyond the bathroom doors, a whip of women waiting, rocking their weight from heel to toe to heel again.  They mingled with the patrons who stood in line for hot dogs and ice cream in the shapes of rockets.  I wasn’t about to wait.  "I’m going to find a discreet pocket and go pee." 
"No you animal.  You will wait in line like a lady," my friend reprimanded.
"You sound like my mother."
"Good.  Someone needs to be."  She smiled.
"Actually, screw that, my mother would tell me to go pee in the sand too."  And with that, I left the line and found a private area beneath the deck where no one could see me.  I peed, squatting, watching my hard stream disappear into the sand like a wave.

Later in the evening, we drove to Carvel.  "We" consisted of some friends I knew and their friends.  We’d just crashed a catered house party, and we were making our way back to my friend’s home, when we’d driven past Carvel.  Well you can’t very well drive past Carvel.  Once inside, people began to survey the colored tubs of hard ice cream behind frosty glass cabinets.  I was too drunk for ice cream.  I needed a bathroom.  "Excuse me Sir, may I please use your bathroom?"
"No," came out in a grunt without even the pretense of polite.
"Please?"
"We have no bathroom."  I hate this.  There is no way this scooping machine of a man goes all day without ever needing to use a bathroom.  This particular Carvel was isolated along a busy highway. 
"Listen, Sir, I know you have a bathroom.  There’s no way you hold it all day.  You gotta go sometime, and my sometime is now."  I was drunk; I know I sound like an asshole.
"No bathroom."  Ugh.  Fine.  I’d find my own in a bush in the dark.

My heavy D100 SLR was slung across my body, and my handbag was hooked into the crook of my arm.  In my long jeans, gold shoes, and white tank, I walked back toward the car looking for a spot to hide and pee.  Alison, the driver of our little carpool, asked me to wait up, leaving her boyfriend Adam in the car.  She, too, had to pee.  Near a wooden red fence, where no one could really see me, I decided to drop trail.  "Here, let me hold that for you."  Alison took my camera and handbag for me as I pulled my jeans and panties to my calves.  I wasn’t worried she’d run with them.  It was quite the opposite.  I felt the very strong feeling, in the width of air between us, that she wanted me.  I became nervous and stopped watching where my stream of urine was landing.  The stream was strong and steady, splashing the black tar of the lot near the fence.  "Wow, that’s so hot," she said without bothering to whisper.  "I love your panties, too." 

I knew exactly what was going on here, but I tried to play it cool.  "Oh aren’t they great?  I have them in five colors."  I thought if I girled it up some, added some levity, she’d stop staring at the curve of my stomach and the space between my legs.  Quite aware that I was on display for her now, I thought she might bite me somewhere.  I wiggled back into my jeans quickly, pulling them up in one quick movement.  It was clear to me now that she never had any intention on going to the bathroom and was instead going for me.  "Thanks for holding those," I offered quickly trying to grab back my camera and bag.  Surprisingly she gave them to me without a fuss, each item in each of my empty hands.  Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I’d thought.

Or maybe she’d then use my filled hands as her chance to fill my mouth with her wet tongue.  Just so I’m accurate in the telling of what happened next, I’m going to share with you the text message I’d sent to a close friend immediately after this episode went down:

This night has been INSANE.  I was just attacked by a swinger chick. Not kidding. In a bush. You have no idea.  I went to pee in a bush and a woman ATTACKED me.  No joke.  She watched me pee, said she had the same underwear, then she said she wouldn’t let me past her unless I kissed her.  (This sounds disturbingly familiar to a billy goat gruff tale with trolls).  Before I had a chance to deny her, she slipped her tongue into my mouth. She clearly swings more than both ways.  More like the way of the samurai pusssy.

Dude, this isn’t even a txt message; it’s a nightmare.  The worst part of it all was I felt like I had to kiss her back or else I’d be seen as a horrible kisser.  I mean, I’d rather go down in history as biseexual before I was thought of as a bad kisser.  There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re making out with an avocado.  So I kissed her back to prove I could, and then I pushed her off me.  In the car, I spoke through clenched teeth as my friends licked their cones.  "Steph, want some?"
"No thanks.  I clearly already got mine; I guess I had it coming."

Later, when I told my friend from the beach, she mock-lectured, "You see, Stephanie, that’s what you get for being such an animal.  Maybe it will teach you."
"Teach me what?  Please.  Whatever.  At least it’s a good story."
"Yeah, whatevs."

42 Responses to “cookie puss”

  1. Matt Says:

    holy shit. you were not kidding when you said scandalous. Not exactly what I had in mind, but much more than I could ever ask to here about.

    Reply

  2. Matt Says:

    holy shit. scandalous is an understatement. Not exactly what I thought would happen, but so much more than I could have hoped to hear about.

    Reply

  3. Matt Says:

    damn it, I hate when it does that.

    Reply

  4. Matt Says:

    I love your titles! They are so purrfect.

    Reply

  5. Matt Says:

    I love your titles! They are so purrfect.

    Reply

  6. Jen Says:

    Well well well, it all happens to us sometime or another! At least maybe she was hot! I would kiss ya! :)

    Reply

  7. Matt Says:

    I love your titles! They are so purrfect.

    Reply

  8. Fielding Melish Says:

    That's it? Yawn.

    Reply

  9. Matt Says:

    !fuck!, I hate when it does that.

    Reply

  10. L. Says:

    "drop trail"? please. it's "drop trou" – as in trousers. don't use an expression if you have no clue what people are actually saying.

    Reply

  11. Matty Rubes Says:

    This does NOTHING to explain the pearl necklace on that big photo you had on your site earlier today! It's funny though…you girls pissing beside each other…"cute underwear". Two guys pissing next to each other, and you just try your hardest not to make any movements that could be mistaken for taking a "peek". And if a "peek" was taken, the odds of the guy getting out of the bathroom without a demanded kiss are probably very high in most instances.

    Reply

  12. Matt Says:

    If you read, she was pissing, while the other girl watched, which makes it even hotter.

    Reply

  13. Kellie Says:

    Holy LOL. That is one amazing story! My favorite part was that you felt as though you had to kiss her back. lol

    Reply

  14. Kevin Says:

    Was Alison at least somewhat good looking or scary enough to make you think you didn't have a choice? I understand feeling you had to prove your kissing abilities but there's a time you just have to say "no way". Bite her tongue – teach her a lesson not to screw with you. How will you now react when you see her again?

    Reply

  15. Kevin Says:

    Was Alison at least somewhat good looking or scary enough to make you think you didn't have a choice? I understand feeling you had to prove your kissing abilities but there's a time you just have to say "no way". Bite her tongue – teach her a lesson not to screw with you. How will you now react when you see her again? Next tiem – head to Cape May, NJ – what happens in Cape May, stays in Cape May

    Reply

  16. penny Says:

    Maybe I've just led a wild life, but that story doesn't seem all that unusual. Being hit on by swingers is more of a rite of passage than anything else, particularly in the Hamptons. What really has me baffled, however, is why you would kiss her at all if you didn't want to?

    In my mind, a more compelling story would either have been to rebuff her advances entirely or go for it with enthusiasm. Taking the "ew, I kissed a girl route" was rather simple and unsophisticated, don't you think?

    Reply

  17. Matty Rubes Says:

    One thing that could have put it over the top is if Alison drank Stephanie's piss. And then said she wouldnt let her pass unless she drank HER piss too. Now THATS a story…

    Reply

  18. Justin Says:

    You sometimes seem to do things you don't really want to do. Assertiveness, man.

    Although, I seem to be reading about a lot of girls making out with other girls for the first time on blogs lately.

    Reply

  19. Brian Says:

    Now THERE'S an angle that Tom Carvel never tried… and that man was a GENIUS!

    You'd think it woulda been at a Dairy Queen…

    Reply

  20. Fielding Melish Says:

    By the way, does the infamous Alison and/or her boyfriend Adam appear in any of the weekend Hamptons photos that you posted?

    Itching for an image.

    Reply

  21. jewelly Says:

    for what it's worth, L., i thought "drop trail" was the writer's license with the more common "drop trou"… as in, a trail of pee. ahh the joys of interpretation.

    Reply

  22. PPP Says:

    She totally took advantage of the girl code of popping a squat honor.

    Ridiculous!

    Reply

  23. StephanieKlein Says:

    Here's what I found most interesting about it. Had it been a man making those types of advances toward me, I without hesitation would have made it very clear that nothing would happen. Even though she was only an acquaintance, I felt the need to be polite and accommodating… especially since she was a woman, and I normally don't come across such aggressive woman (when I'm their point of interest). So it caught me off guard to put my foot down with her. I was also a little afraid of her.

    Reply

  24. erin Says:

    wow… i guess the hamptons are the place to be. I can't remember the last time i peed outside and had a lesbian encounter in the bushes. Well, at least not at the same time… ;)

    Reply

  25. Former Potato Farmer Says:

    There used to be a great Carvel in Bellport along the old Montauk Highway. But that was before all the city jerks moved in and jacked up prices everywhere and forced businesses to close. Of course today's rich, spoiled summer crowd doesn't care for small pleasures like a Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake. Now they prefer to lick each other's fudge. And drink their wealthy stepfathers' urine. And kill innocent birds who have been living in eastern Long Island well before Jackson Pollock smashed his car and killed himself or that fat, ugly beast PR woman backed her Mercedes into a crowd of equally awful human trolls.

    Reply

  26. Joe Says:

    Cookie Puss is by far the best ice cream cake invention… Fudgie the Whale is a close second

    Reply

  27. Jules in L.A. Says:

    Wow….I am officially old.

    Reply

  28. Tom Says:

    You mean she didn't take pictures of you peeing? Or she did and you deleted them?

    Reply

  29. Tom Says:

    Ok…one more thing…you played tonsil hockey with another woman after she watched you pee, but if it was a guy, you would have turned him away. So did she cop a feel too? And did you reciprocate since you were accomodating?

    You opened the can of worms and now we need to know.

    Reply

  30. chris Says:

    There are so many lesbian fantasy comments I could make along with the other 14 year olds here. But, contrary to popular belief, I don't actually like watching girls make out. I fast-forward the girl-girl action in pornos, seriously. So, I am going to take the high road here and analyze your returned kiss, which is, by most accounts, the most fascinating part of your story.

    I think heterosexuals have been beaten down by the politically correct to a point where we are scared to say or do anything traditionally "normal" anymore. It's kind of like white people being afraid to call black people "black" because we aren't quite sure if that's one of the insulting terms like "negro" or "colored." Instead we call Jamaicans "African Americans" because, god forbid, we accidentally insult someone. Just so your audience knows, "black" is fine, and Jamaicans aren't African, so stop calling them that.

    So, whether you felt this or not, I am going to assert that you may have felt politically Incorrect by refusing the lesbian kiss. Refusal would mean that somehow, a she is different from a he, and it was your closed mind rather than your sexual preference that closed your lips. Of course, had it been a man, or a 19 year old boy, you could easily refuse, because nobody would get offended. In fact, you are expected to say no to boys all the time.

    My point is simple – it's fucking wrong that there is all this pressure to not-offend anyone ever. I love offending. I call black people black. I make fun of the jewish guy in my office for being cheap. I KNOW chinese people can't drive. I am sexually attracted to midgets. And I would have NO problem biting the tongue off a gay dude who was trying to force himself on me after I peed while he held my "camera."

    Or, maybe you just liked kissing a girl.

    Reply

  31. erin Says:

    i don't mean to be an outdoor pee know-it-all, but you should never pee on concrete/pavement, due to the splashage. wash those pants and disinfect your shoes ASAP. grassy areas are far more forgiving, ie absorbent.

    Reply

  32. Jules from Germany Says:

    So you had a lesbian experience (a first for you?)…and remember one kiss burns a few calories plus a gazillion mouth muscles are being used. :)

    Reply

  33. Justin Says:

    Comfort? Maybe we are able to better handle situations we are comfortable handling because we've done it before. Pushing off a guy that wants to make out with you is something you have done before. So it's easier. You don't worry if you are doing it right, and you sort of know what to expect (at least from your standard non-psychopathic men). However, in different situations, knowing what to do or how to react is … not as easy. For example, I have heard of people that accept dates with others simply because they don't know how to say "no" or "be mean". They have never really practiced at it so it is hard. Some people have trouble being single because they've never done it … yadda yadda. What gets me is the desire for approval of your kissing. But I still think it's funny whenever I imagine the scene.

    Reply

  34. StephanieKlein Says:

    No, she didn't take a photo of my peeing, and she didn't "cop a feel." And, no, I didn't enjoy it. It also happened quite fast, but when you write it, it seems like a longer time… because it gets real estate on the page, in the white, of this blog.

    Reply

  35. Marie Says:

    Eww! It just never occurred to this small town girl that someone would actually get turned on by watching someone else take a leak. Do you think she actually expected you drop everything you were doing and make it with her? Glad you got away…

    Reply

  36. MJ Says:

    Next time you "go native" and pee in the bushes, why not take a picture of your view from there. Strikes me as kinda funny. Maybe a series of scenic places where you went.

    Reply

  37. Marie Says:

    For some reason this post has bothered me all day…and my previous post seems inadequate/insensitive. Doesn't matter whether your encounter was with a guy or a chick–you were accosted and that was wrong. I promise that if something similiar ever happens to one of my friends (guy or gal) I will have their back and simply sock the puddin' out of said offender. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

    Reply

  38. Matt Says:

    Marie has it so nailed down! It WAS completely wrong what happened to you, regardless if it was a man, woman, black, or a midget. (just for Chris) She should have gotten socked in the puss. (no pun intended).

    Stephanie, Did you consider calling the cops???

    No apologies from me though. I love lesbians. Nothing gets me going like two women making out. Of course two guys do the same thing for me. So I am wierd AND politically incorrect. Gotta love this country! (Only in America)

    Reply

  39. ML2L Says:

    As I was reading this I could hear Howard Stern in the background saying, "Uh-huh, yeah…and then what happend?!?!"

    Reply

  40. dlb Says:

    ML2L, you beat me to the punch with the Howard Stern comment. I was about to stop reading this blog about a late twenty something who wants to grow up but can't let go to her youth (a friend once said that women never grow emotionally after 18, and it may be true), when all of a sudden, water sport dominant lesbian forces het girly girl into a tongue lock. Girly girl kisses back, but feels dirty about it later. A spectacular 4th of July fireworks celebration.

    This reminds me of a joke… You catch one fish, you won't be called a fisherman. You bake one cake, you won't be called a baker. But do that once, …..

    Reply

  41. Plantation Says:

    Your reaction was interesting. You felt you had to kiss her back. Why didn't you just kick the shit out of her?

    Reply

  42. Joey B Says:

    There's like 3-4 people in here thinking that she should reacted violently or called the cops. Since when did hitting on someone become immoral or illegal? It's not like she was tearing her clothes off or forcing her onto a couch. Maybe Steph's friend thought she was coming on to her since she said she was going to pee. Who knows? But I don't think it's wrong to kiss someone to see if maybe she likes it.

    Reply

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