I drank endurance through a straw as I joined the earlier risers on the streets of New York. Save for doctors, no one should be outdoors at 6:30am. I was in last night’s jeans, with my gold Coup Detat heels, wearing his t-shirt home—the one I slept in at his place after seex. I looked as if I’d just been attacked by wolves, a bush of hair, smeared mascara, and a sluggish gait. A woman in a blue bathrobe walked her brown dog. A couple parked a car. A yellow-haired girl ran in red butterfly shorts toward the corner holding a NetFlix envelope. For a moment, I remembered I had four at home I hadn’t watched yet. My doorman “well, well, well” ‘d me. I’m going back to sleep; the endurance didn’t work.
It never does. It’s why I end up alone, every time I try to date. I just wasn’t built for it, for dating a bunch of people at once, remembering which stories were told, how many siblings, if they drink coffee at night. It all seems wrong. I’d rather be alone than torn and divided by choices. I’d rather be at Gari alone at the sushi bar, where the only choice is toro or tuna. And that’s not even a choice; it’s a no brainer. I need a no brainer.
And for the love of fatty tuna, please don’t go telling me, “you can’t win the game if you don’t play.” I don’t care about the damn game. I care about being with someone who knows my worth, whom I respect and believe is extraordinary. I don’t have room, though, for the anxiety that comes with finding it if it means being with someone who hasn’t figured it out yet. I told you, I can’t do endurance by myself.
The worst part is, after the walk (the only shame is if you didn’t have fun), I went back to sleep. I dreamt he told me, "I believe you’ll know love when you find it. You’ll just know; you’ll feel it. There won’t be questions." But now that I’m awake, I don’t know if it was something I dreamt or something he really said. And then, I don’t know which he said it. It’s exactly why this is hard. And I don’t believe that. I know there’s more than one person out there for all of us. I don’t believe I’ll "just know." I’m too gun shy and prudent for that.