memorial day revelations

In ALL, LIFE OBSERVATIONS by Stephanie Klein29 Comments

This week, I heard myself say it aloud right before baring all: “I should totally write about this.”    Or, worse, mid-story, I revealed, “oh, I’ve written about this.”  I can’t not say it.  It makes no sense, but it’s what I do.  Some other things revealed to me this weekend:

Never, ever, under any tribal circumstances, get anything more than nails done at a nail salon.  A massage is risky (yeah, back and whack’s too).  Let’s not even mention that I paid a woman $60 to watch me wax my own damn como se llama for over an hour and a half.  Then I had to go tweeze.  NIGHTMARE.  I’m never leaving Helga.

I like men in uniform. Not a janitor, UPS, or Con Ed uniform; we’re talking purple hearts.  But mostly, it’s like not love.  It doesn’t do that much for me actually.  So, I take it back.  I don’t like men in uniform, and handcuffs are totally overrated.

I love gray hair on a guy.  Salt and pepper gray, not Don Knotts gray.  Just writing it makes me kinda wet.

A finger that touches my mouth while I’m kissing is by far the biggest turn on there is.  You know, he’s holding your face, and a graze of finger brushes past my tongue during our kiss.  Seriously, it does it for me more than anything else.  It even trumps gray hair.  Combine them both, and I’ll never leave. But then you’re stuck with me, the girl who cries over movie previews.

I think I’m beginning to prefer red wine to white.

I adore piano bars.  This wasn’t a revelation in and of itself… more of a, “Oh my God, I’m totally doing this more often!”

I weigh too much and need to join a gym and shut my mouth.

No matter how many times I try, I really can’t get away with wearing fuchsia. 

I love music for the lyrics, which must mean I like poetry.

I should eat more lobster in life.

I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone, and I’m ready.

I look better in pants than I do in jeans. 

I look better in skirts than I do in pants.

I look fat in nothing.

I have too much stuff.

I hate cooking in my current living conditions.  This makes me kinda sad because I really love cooking.

I write better dialogue than anything else.

My writing is more substance and less style.

Having fresh flowers in my apartment really does make me happy.

For all the crap I talk, I actually did like the movie Serendipity.  Jeremy Pivin is so the celebrity I’d spend the rest of my life with… okay, or Jon Stewart.  It’s a tie.

I’m not always this frisky.  Something is in my Poland Spring.

Comments

  1. Jeremy Piven for me too – he was just fantastic as Droz in PCU Pit Party…!

    And also – did you see the Jon Stewart interview in O this month… oh oh oh my! :)

    I love posts like this one..!

  2. What a fun post!

    Here are some echoes from the socially inept and aging contingent… about what I rediscovered this Memorial Day:

    I tan like a lobster.

    I look better in pants then out of them, but best in madras shorts.

    I'm now too old to be considered hip to be in a piano bar, unless I'm playing the piano, and then only if I'm Randy Newman.)

    And for sure, I hadn't thought about fingers in the mouth while kissing… "Hey honey! C'mere and let me kiss you and stick my finger in your mouth. Oh, come on, Helen… It'll be fun. W-what do you mean where did I get the costume?? It's a UNIFORM. I what??? I take things too literally?? Well, what the hell is THAT supposed to mean? Honey?? Helloooo??"

    My ONE saving grace…

    At 40, the temples are lightly salted… and I've started getting compliments. Bring it ON! So just how pathetic would I have to be to dye my hair grey??? Oh wait, John Kerry already did that. Oh, what a mess I've become.

    Got to get that Poland Spring home delivery…

  3. I love my butt and my boobs.

    Whgen I'm writing lyrics I can't to it with my mother tongue german but in english.

    I am a natural blonde but everyone doubts it especially the haidresser.

    I look awesome in jeans but like crap in skirts.

    I dig Lavazza coffee/chocolate ice cream with apple sauce.

    I am addicted to black eyeliner.

    I should quit smoking. I started it because I was bored plus the smell reminded me of my ex. I'm terrible.

    I don't want to get married.

    I know how to spell Chrysanthemum properly. C-H-R-Y-S-A-N-T-H-E-M-U-M.

  4. Why is Anderson Cooper's skin so fantastic looking? Is he using stage make-up, or is it naturally so…uniform?

  5. Coops needs to move to MA so we can get married.
    Love you Steph!
    "This shit is VAGINAS. V-A-G-I-N-A-S"

  6. Is A. Cooper the Dick Clark of News Media? He's older than he looks, right?

  7. Wow… Im all music and no lyrics. I know it's weird and nobody understands it. I NEVER hear the lyrics. I don't know what one song is about… nor could I sing it. But I can hum anything :-)

  8. Totally unrelated to your post, but you seem to be well versed in dating ways, so I have a question: By what day in the week must you ask someone/be asked by someone for a Friday night date? A Saturday night date? Or does it even matter anymore? Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks!

  9. By what DAY in the WEEK? Are you seriously asking that? How about this tricky rule of thumb: if you like him, and he asks you out, and you're not busy, go out with him.

  10. Noisette – Love your answer. Made me laugh, actually. You are right. I am being insane listening to those so-called rules of thumb. Thanks!

  11. Ok miss Klein, here's my offer;

    you can pay me $50 to watch you wax your como se llama in a piano bar. (Hell, I'll throw in a $49 mail refund coupon)

    If this idea makes you a little uncomfortable you can wear a skirt, I'll wear a uniform. I'll bring lobster and red wine, and to top it all off I'll put both salt and pepper in my hair.

    Clearly, something is in my Poland Spring as well.

  12. I love Jon Stewart. His voice makes me wet.

    Also, salt and pepper hair is such a turn on. It makes me sad when I think that my boyfriend will never have that.

  13. I'm vascillating on the Anderson Cooper thing. Last night he had a clip of a water-skiing squirrel and another one eating a lollipop in Denver. Can you love someone yet find them insipid?

  14. I love more salt than pepper on a younger guy. Hot. Steve Martin circa Father of the Bride can ring my bell, for that matter.

    I think Tom Cruise is insipid, ridiculous, and fairly unintelligent, but the man takes a good picture every now and then. He'll look even better with a smattering of salt at the temples.

  15. HELLO Don't you guys know that Anderson Cooper is GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  16. Great post – and what a great realization that you don't look fat in anything. Agree about the jeans thing. I love jeans, but I know that one day I will be too old to wear my low-lows. And you don't want to wear them on your true waistline because – hey, MOM JEANS!

    A simple fact of life, eventually we should all make the switch over to slacks. Hopefully by then I'll be in Chanel, that would make me feel a whole lot better about it.

  17. I totally dig Jeremy Pivin but only if he is acting with John Cusack. They have a certain meterosexual chemistry. However, John is my first pick.

  18. Bitches get what bitches deserve. Here in the U.K. love, you would be classified as a "tart". I enjoy your slutty blog for high-class whores. Best of wishes on your deception of the general public. You can attempt to portray yourself as a high-class sophisticated Manhattan woman. But let's be honest, you are a gutter-grade $0.02 skank looking to be something more than a zero. When you are struggling, give me a call, and I may entertain the thought of a $20 blow-job. Cheers!

    Dirk Diggler

  19. Bitches get what bitches deserve. Here in the U.K. love, you would be classified as a "tart". I enjoy your slutty blog for high-class whores. Best of wishes on your deception of the general public. You can attempt to portray yourself as a high-class sophisticated Manhattan woman. But let's be honest, you are a gutter-grade $0.02 skank looking to be something more than a zero. When you are struggling, give me a call, and I may entertain the thought of a $20 blow-job. Cheers!

    Dirk Diggler

  20. Bitches get what bitches deserve. Here in the U.K. love, you would be classified as a "tart". I enjoy your slutty blog for high-class whores. Best of wishes on your deception of the general public. You can attempt to portray yourself as a high-class sophisticated Manhattan woman. But let's be honest, you are a gutter-grade $0.02 skank looking to be something more than a zero. When you are struggling, give me a call, and I may entertain the thought of a $20 blow-job. Cheers!

    Dirk Diggler

  21. oh, sorry for the multiple posts, btw. it's probably because i'm a 14 year old cyberbully dealing with my small penis issues. gotta go. mom's got my spaghettios ready.

    Dirk Diggler

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.