Every morning for the last week, I’ve awoken to a double chin. Linus is not the one getting fat; I am. I don’t know how fat because it has gotten to the point where I need to diet for at least two weeks before I can even face a scale. I awake promising that today will be different. I come up with a plan and make steps toward achieving it. I pack a gym bag, complete with socks and a pad lock. An alarm is set. I know exactly what I’ll eat for breakfast. None of it helps. I’m still a sloth with a double chin and a stomach that won’t deflate. I’ll drink a lot of coffee so I shite and lose my appetite. Even Starbucks doesn’t make coffee strong enough to fix fat.
At work today, a co-worker noted, “Wow, you look quite lovely and fashionable in that skirt.” The skirt was high-waisted and hid everything worth hiding.
I responded, “Please, it’s the only thing that fits.” It’s a problem.
Hell, I might as well just go off now that I’ve got this whole, I suck thing going strong. I lied this weekend.
“I sold my car last year, so now I rent. But if I were to ever buy a car again, it would be an SUV.”
“Why is that?”
“Because my apartment is small enough. I need space where I can get it.”
“What kind of car did you have?”
“A BMW.” I had a Saturn.
Why did I go there? Why did I lie like that? What does it say about me? After saying it, I rationalized in my head, “well, I would have had a BMW. Many a MID drive BMWs. My younger sister has a BMW. I would have too, if I hadn’t just stuck with my first car from high school.” What is wrong with me?
And finally, while I’m full of ugly, I might as well have something to show for it. Tonight, as I iSighted with Chris, I didn’t bother to remove my lover Mario from the bed. Now I’m sharing him with you too. At least he loves me, double chin and all.